Monday, January 31, 2005

Huzzah!

Bill from AG Edwards called back and told me that I scored right where he was looking for on my test and that they are ready to offer me a job. I am so excited that I can't even sit here to type it. I am going in tomorrow to talk through the details and figure out when the earliest I can start is. And to stop ending sentences in prepositions.

I'll be back in touch tomorrow.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Showing Brooke how to post pictures with flickr

ram_srt10_4_main
Heather taught me... I taught brooke... heather taught brooke

I had to edit this post because I received a couple comments on my flickr photstream about the picture I selected as a demonstration to Brooke (one of my employees). This truck is why I work. This truck is why I'm not satisfied bringing home my lousy 350 a week at Wireless Communication Broker. This truck is why I want to put my college degree to good use. This truck is a Dodge Ram SRT-10. It is the fastest production truck on earth. 500 hp, 525 lb-ft of torque, 8.3 liter V10 Viper engine, and a Six-Speed manual transmission. This is all stock. I want this truck more than I've wanted any "thing" in my whole life. This truck is proof that God loves us. I have built myself one on www.dodge.com a thousand times and sat and messed around with the payment calculator every single time trying to figure out what I'd need to save to get one. Basically, what it comes down to is that I won't get one until I have a place to put it. Now way in hell am I leaving this bad boy in the driveway or on the street. If I get one of the jobs I interviewed for last week I will put up a timer to when I have one in my garage. Of course I need to find a place WITH a garage before I can start stuffing it, but I have allready planed it all out. I get the amazing job. I buy/rent half a duplex in town w/garage. I buy the most amazing thing man has ever produced. I go directly to Kurt at Automotive Dreams to have the truck modified to my standards. I go to jail for multiple speeding violations and citations for reckless driving.

I have considered having the truck's passenger seat removed. I don't want anyone to ever be inside that truck but me. I never want anyone else's dirty feet and grimy ass hands all over the interior. I never want some scumbag fatass friend of mine farting on it. I never want to ever have to divert my attention from the greatest driving experience of my life. I will find a dealer with one on the lot and give it a test drive once I have a great job. I won't go now because I feel like it would be an insult to the truck and the driver who will one day be blessed with it's power if I try it for no reason. I even want to go so far as to put a special order in to have the truck delivered with zero miles on the odometer. I want it to be mine and mine alone. I don't want it to pick up chicks, I don't want it to give friends/clients/etc rides to show it off, I don't want it to travel places, I want it to enjoy it for myself in the most greedy and self centered way I can possibly muster up. I want to be there when people work on it and drive it in and out of the garage. I want to just sit in the driver's seat and know that this truck was built for me, it's been customized for me, and it's only to be driven by me, forever. If I have it and die without an aire to the truck I want it destroyed in standard demilitarization style. For the uninnitiated, when a truck is demilitarized it has the drivetrain destroyed, the body shreded into ribbons, and is mangled down in such a way that it "could never be of any use to a mechanic or collector looking to rebuild."

The modifications would include:

1. New exhaust system
2. Supercharger

That's it. Nothing needs to be done, but I want this beast to be the most powerful son of a fucking bitch ever. Both of these items are things I hold dear in my heart. A supercharger would boost the HP and torque by something like 50% and the exhaust would make it sound as evil as it truely is deep in it's viper heart.

Nothing gets me fired up like this truck. I used to be into speed when I was in high school. I always wanted to build up my old cutlass and make it into a beast. Then I met my buddy Brad who got me into offroading and that's been my passion ever since. I haven't cared how fast a truck is or really cared about anything without four wheel drive. Then the SRT-10 concept and I met fact to face in the jacob javits center in NYC. I have been an obsessive little bitch for this truck ever since. Even the Hemi Rams and the Ram Rumble Bee haven't done it for me. I love Hemis and I love the Rumble Bee, but they cannot even hold a candle to the SRT-10. If I had never seen an SRT-10 then I would be writting about how much I want a Rumble Bee or how much I would love to buy a Power Wagon, but right now, the only new vehicle on the market that makes me want to be in debt is The Truck. Anything else would be selling myself short. People think I'm nuts, but if I won a BMW or a benz I would simply sell it back to the dealer and put the money toward my dream.

It's Mopar or No Car. I want this truck. I will have this truck. I added a link to www.dodge.com so you can all go and drool over this as well.

Still waiting

It's sunday, "early next week." I hope to hear back from a job that doesn't involve the stroud mall real soon. I'm at work today. I hate working sundays, but when you have two days off a week, it's not so bad. I have been busy with other things in my life for the past few days and have not been physically able to post. Don't worry, faithful reader. I will be posting as much as I can.

The store did a few activations this weekend for a change. It's nice to suceede even if you don't believe whole heartedly in the cause anymore.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Quiet

I am at the mall still. For some reason I thought I'd be in some corner office by now, but I should be realistic and hope to find a job by the end of February. I was supposed to hear back from AG Edwards on the results from my test yesterday, but I haven't heard anything yet. I'm guessing either I totally bombed, I did very average and there's no reason to be in a hurry to call me, or they just haven't gotten around to it yet. I will call tomorrow if I still haven't heard anything yet to see what's up... or not... we'll see.

We've gone over 7 days in a row without a sale. In fact, I haven't even run anyone's credit in that time. I had my employees run 2 so I wouldn't have to, but I personally haven't been on the phone with the credit company in over a week. It's not that i haven't been trying. I try hard to make sales. I just won't sell to anyone who will bring it back. If they want to replace their land line in their house and they live somewhere that has no service, I let them know that it probably isn't for them. Anyone who walks up to this store from a place I know for a fact we have service they will not leave without a phone, but those people are far and few between. At least recently.

Joe G wanted me to drive into Lodi so we could talk. I didn't want to, and he didn't push the issue, so I'm not going. I've learned if there is one thing that is the norm in this company it's simply not doing what you said you were going to do and then making up a long winded and lame excuse as to why. I don't even feel bad about it because I didn't want to go in the first place. I don't think that not wanting to is a good enough reason to blow off what your boss asks you to do... no wait, I do. That is what's so strange about working for WCB. If my boss doesn't feel like taking care of my store, he doesn't. If he doesn't want to settle disputed before lawyers are involved he doesn't. If he doesn't want to show up when he says he's going to, he doesn't. So I feel perfectly fine with not going and doing things he wants me to do. It's just the norm around here.

The mall is so quiet now. The 3 stores around us (Hickory Farms, Day-By-Day Calendar, and The lotion stand) are all closed now that the holidays are over. Now it's so quiet that I can actually hear the awful music in the mall. "Do you really want to hurt me?" is playing right now. I don't know if that's the name of it or not, but you know what stupid song it is. Even spencer gifts and Claires have turned down their music. At least when the mall was going nuts there was some good ol rock and roll coming from 20 feet away. Now it's soooooooo painfully quiet that the mall music stands out soooooo much. I hate easy listening... and that's all I do now.

Nerd Life Update: I was promoted to officer status in my EverQuest guild, The Kingdom of Lights this week. I know it sounds stupid, but it's always nice to be respected, even if it's by nerds.

I am going to get back to work now. And by work I mean surfing the web.

Monday, January 24, 2005

It's the final countdown

I know that if I don't get this job I'm going to be crushed now. I am going back for my third and final part of my interview. I allready have spent over 5 hours with Alejandro and today is another 3 hour trip. On Friday, "Al" (I can't stand calling him anything. Everyone calls him Al, and I don't even know his last name, but because of his ethnicity I'm sure I couldn't pronounce it anyways, but I am so in awe when I'm talking with him I just don't call him anything for fear of insulting a man who is so obviously cocky and sure of himself that calling him Mr. probably wouldn't be enough.) called up an HR company that runs the final part of the interview. The company basically hires actors to play customers and I have a packet of financial information I have to sell to them. Morgan Stanley takes no part in the test and afterwards they get a formal evaluation from Aon (the HR firm). "Al" (I can't even type it and not feel uncomfortable) said they want to see if I can sell, how I handle failure, and how I think on my feet. All things I'm ready for. I just realized I talked about all this allready, but I am too excited to talk about much else. "Al" did say something very encouraging. He said, "We will have a work night and you can meet people allready in the training program and learn more about what you will be doing with us." I heard that and I felt great. I really really want this job and it's perfect. I will be a miserable prick during the week, and I want someone to please comment and tell me I'm a whining bitch when I post these words, "I'm not happy. I would gladly take half the money if I was doing something I enjoyed." BLEH! I know I'll say it. I think I'll enjoy this job because of the challenge, but everyone I know who has a job like this has said that line. Someone slap me when I get to that point... then again, I have to get the job first. At this point, with how much i've put into this application, if I dont' get it I will be completely crushed. If I hear back that I didn't get it I will be absolutely destroyed, but at least I'll have a goal. I still have an outstanding offer with AG Edwards which is the same industry and a very respected company. I have the guy's email on my desk and as soon as I get the MS stuff out of the way I'm going to email him and get that train rolling.

Speaking of jobs, I told Joe G that I'm interviewing all over. I let him know that if I get a great offer that I was going to leave. He told me that I could as long as I gave him a bit of notice but that it didnt' have to be 2 weeks. I should just put in my two weeks now because I barely ever work anymore. Today I'm going to finish up with morgan stanley, tomorrow is Hertz , thursday is nationwide, and I still have to get in touch with AG Edwards and NJ pets. One way or the other I'm getting a real job very soon, and having to run the store out in PA is a handicap. I am glad my employees are making good money while I'm abandoning them, but it's hard to schedule. On top of that I can't work friday or saturday because I have a personal obligation. So I'm basically working wednesday this week. This is basically what I was planning on if things went really well. I was going to wait until commissions made my hourly wothless and then spend as little time as possible in the store, but this is crazy. I will have to make it back and work after some of these interviews. I can't just ditch the place. I do like Joe G as a dude, just not as a boss. I don't want to burn bridges. This job + where I went to school are why I'm in the running at these awesome jobs, so I really can't just pull a Smokey and "fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you, I'm out." Another problem is Rose. She is an amazing employee who deserves better than WCB and much better than WCB dropping her flat on her face. I am going to get a copy of her resume and pass it along to people I've spoken with once I have a job. I really want her to do well. She would kick ass at any job.

I'm off to study some more. I have to know all these stocks, bonds, and mutual funds before I go in so I can effectively represent MS in these fake phone calls.

Again I'm going to ask for you all to pray for me.

Sunday, January 23, 2005

If I had a dollar for every time someone said if I had a dollar for every time

Went to my interview at Morgan Stanley. It was about 30min of hanging out with Alejandro and him just feeling me out and then a 2 hour math and reading comprehension test. They tried to put all math and reading into business terms so it would seem like a business test, but all that was was window dressing. My simple math part of my brain is melted. I was using the calculator on my phone for shit like 6 x 7. Once I fought my way through the math part the reading part was easy. Very very simple stuff.

When I got back to Alejandro's office he was looking at the applications he had left... all 3 of them. I don't know if those are all the people invited back or not, but my folder was one of 3 on his desk. I go back tomorrow for a psycological evaluation and role playing exercise. I get to pretend I'm a financial advisor and I have to call real people playing the roles of new customers, existing customers, and VIP customers. I have to make calls back to people that called "while I was in a meeting" and shit like that. Should be interesting. I have to prove I can make sales and that I can handle failure and shit. All things I should be very well prepared to do.

If I get this job, I want a list of every single person who tried in college so I can laugh at them.

PS. I added a new link to the links section.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Morgan Stanley called back

Holy shit I screened the morgan stanley call! I just checked my messages and it was Alejandro from Morgan Stanley. Called him back, interview tomorrow. Time to kick some ass.

Pray for me.

Power moves

GOldBoyslogo
The Old Boys logo. There ya go Drufus

OK, making power moves. I went to a job fair on tuesday and spoke with some great companies and have allready got calls to come in for final interviews. I set up interviews with AG Edwards, Morgan Stanley, NE securities, Sprint PCS (corporate), Enterprise, Hertz, NJ Pets (I love fish), Nationwide, and a bunch of others. All of these jobs (besides NJ Pets... but who knows) would be a career. I was talking with drufus on the way home from the fair and the only thing I could think about is what it must be like to have a successful career. I have no clue what that even means. The job I really really really want is the Morgan Stanley one. The dude from there told me to clear my schedule for monday because he'd need 3 hours. I haven't heard back from him about the exact time, and he might have just been blowing smoke, but if I get that job, I'll be happy I went to college. AG Edwards is choice two. Same industry, similar pay, Fortune 100 company. That guy was real cool and told me he'd be back in touch with me soon. Then following those are everything else. I even spoke to real estate agents. One way or the other, by this spring I'll be in a better job.

My online life is leveling out again. The people who pissed me off have appologized and did exactly what I thought they did. They left and started another team because they were afraid of screwing up the TOB record. Understandable, we have been very serious in the past. We talked about it a lot since I posted and things are cool.

The other areas of my life are not worse, which is good. I don't know, but I think I stopped the bleeding for a little while. Now I just have to make these power moves I'm set up to do and everything else should drop into place.

OK, I'm going to the mall. I have been totally neglecting the store since friday, so I think I should go in and neglect it some more. We had a phone stolen a week ago and it showed up at an agent of mine's store. He checked the ESN and it matched, but he didn't want to put himself in a dangerous situation so he waited until the guy left to call the cops, watched him walk to his house, and the cops got there late, and couldn't do anything. I thanked him very much for trying, but I don't want to see him get hurt over Joe's money. I sure wouldn't get in the line of fire for a stupid phone.

I will get back to posting more soon. When I get overwhelmed with what's going on I go into lockdown mode and just need to decompress. That is what I've been doing more than anything else recently.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Loyalty and Honor

I have found that the two biggest factors that make people friends in my eyes have been loyalty and honor. I am going to go super nerd tonight, so bear with me. I need to tell a story about my video game habbit and why I'm writting this post. I know a lot of you will look at me sideways for me being so passionate about something so meaningless and so stupid. OK, here goes. On my birthday, 2003 aka the worst fucking day of my life, I received a package in the mail from an ebay auction I won. It was Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six 3. I had played a few of the older games on the computer a long time ago and always enjoyed them. I had xbox live at MU and it was the only escape I had. So I pop it in and go directly online. Now on Xbox Live you have a friends list. You have to send someone a friend invite and they have to accept it and then you can tell, just like on AIM, when they are online and what they are doing. My friend, Scoob, from England was on because it was about 10 AM EST or 3 PM in England. I hopped into a room with him and we started playing. It was very hard to learn, but once I got it, I loved it. Scoob and I both had a guy named "Six Shooter" on our lists so we hopped into his room after a few rounds in some random room. Six loved a map called City Streets Large and had a very fast connection, so we would hang out in there and play CSL for hours. Then when he had to go, he'd set up a dedicated room so we could keep using his connection. He had no idea how to add maps, so we'd just play CSL over and over and over. Over the course of the next month we met a bunch of guys that were consistantly showing up in Six's server and we all ended up exchanging friend invites and making sure we were on the same team and all that good stuff. As it turned out, when 6 of us were on one team (it's mostly 6v6) we were pretty much unstoppable. One day Six sent me an invite and I went to his server and it was just me and him. He asked me if I'd ever heard of Clan competition and if I"d be interested in starting up an R6 clan. I thought, "man, clans are for nerds, but we are pretty damn good, so let's give it a shot." We exchanged emails and went to go sign up our roster at www.teamcompete.com. We started out hot and ended up 30 and 3 before we moved to another gaming site www.gamebattles.com. It was at GB that we basically ran the table and went from a no name squad to the number 2 team in the world. Our team name is Old Boys because the three leaders, Six, Gundam79, and myself are 35, 34, and 24 respectively. We are old for the gaming circles so we are the Old Boys. So time went on and things were going great. We were playing matches that we would organize over www.gamebattles.com every single night of the week. I would spend hours reading and chatting on the forums and we would practice strategies, learn new angles, and just have fun when we weren't competing. We played on a consistant basis from December of 2003 to August of 2004. Then the makers of R6 released the sequel Rainbow Six 3: Black Arrow. We all bought the game on opening day, moved our team to BA, and then realized the game sucked. It was nothing like R6. The older members were having trouble finding the time to play and the younger guys that were interested in playing quit the team and the ones who didn't really care fell off the face of the earth. You learn a lot about the character of a man when things aren't going well. Anyone can join the number 2 team in the world, but who will stay when we are not playing 10 matches a week? A lot of fighting went on and a lot of awful things were said and now we're basically the older members who are very inactive still waiting for the game that will grab our intrest again like R6.

So then, the second coming of our savior, Halo 2... and it was nothing. I waited in line from 10:30 to midnight the day before opening in the freezing cold and took a day off from work so I could just play straight through the night and the whole next day. I really like the game. It's a great and amazingly programed game, but it just isn't what I'm looking for. So then Ubisoft, the company that put out R6, comes out with their answer to Halo 2, Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon 2. The GR series has been very strong and the people (like Six Shooter) who were in love with the original couldn't sit still until that game was released. Now it's another amazing game, but just not what I'm looking for. Unlike Halo2 which is polished and perfect, GR2 is just about worthy of a beta. You can't even access your friends list because of a glitch in the game. The game is quirky and has problems all over the place. Of course, other than the friends list, the problems aren't that bad unless you are playing with jerks who want to exploit them. R6 had HUGE problems, BA had even worse ones, and then GR2 comes out incomplete. If GR2 had been as nicely done as Halo2 I might not be typing now, but it just makes me angry that a company as powerful as UbiSoft could put out such an unfinshed work. I blame it all on xbox live and their system of updating titles. UbiSoft relies on the fact that they can release a game unfinished and then 1 hour after release when everyone's banging down their doors about all the problems, they can say "Our development team is aware of the problems with GR2 and are working night and day to fix the problem. A patch will be released soon." Soon? The game was released in November and they still haven't even fixed the friends list. Fucking assholes. If I didn't hate them so damn much right now I'd be trying to get The Old Boys back into it.

So for those of you keeping score at home, this is where we are: Old Boys were at the peak of our game and then BA was released, the team basically fell apart, Halo2 and GR2 were released and both had their problems that were too much for too many people to bring the intact roster to either game, so now it's probably 10 of the original 30 still on the roster. Now here's why I titled this Loyalty and Honor. 3 of my BEST friends from Live who were all Old Boys, including Scoob who was the first person I ever added to my list, Trebek who is my best friend in real life, and Archangel75 who I've spent DAYS of my life hanging out with till 5 in the morning playing games, broke off from TOB to form their own clan HolidayInn. This kind of stuff burns me to the core. I know it's a game, but these are real people we're talking about. I feel like the world I built for myself online is falling apart because I can't even get my closest friends to stay loyal. I am the leader of a clan full of ghosts. The people who are on the roster don't play and the people who play aren't on the roster. Why those 3 and everyone else who joined them couldn't have played under the TOB tag I have no fucking clue. This clan has meant the world to me. It was there for me when I was absolutely alone out in PA, it was there when I was unemployed and had nothing, it was there when I got my new stupid job, and now it's nothing. Me, Six, and Gundam (I call them by their real names, but I don't think they want them out there) keep in touch over the phone and via email and I see a lot of ex members online, but the fact that a bunch of people who are active in Halo 2 have broken off into little separate clans to play instead of trying to revive TOB kills me. I am sitting here typing with my friends list loaded in front of me. I am ocnsidering just totally clearing it out and starting all over. I was nominated to the allstar R6 team and did very well against the best gamers in the world. I have been recruited to join at least a dozen teams that I can remember, but I will not leave. I am loyal to the bottom of my soul and I have more honor than any man that I have ever met. These people that are my friends didn't even have the common courtesy to let me know what they were thinking. Trebek at least should have known what this would look like. I guess I'm not as important to these people as I thought I was. I need to step out of this online life for a while. I am tired of the bullshit. My cousin Phil is an Old Boy. He sucks at everything, but he's loyal to the end. He would never leave... EVER! Him and I have been playing together for the past couple of days and it's been fun, but every time I get an invite to play with the guys I spent more time with than anyone else for the past year and see some whacky clan tag where it always used to say TOB it makes me sick. It's like I came home to find the enemy in my living room, but they all had familiar faces. To all the cool people reading this saying what the fuck is wrong with this guy, I know, I suck, but I need to talk, so here I go.

Now you also might be asking yourself why I feel so attached to gaming competitively. The answer is simple. When I am not playing sports I have a gaping hole in my heart. I need to feel that rush of me vs you. I need to dominate like I used to dominate in real life. I do play football in the spring, at least I hope I still do, but when I thought my career was over, and I wasn't playing in any sort of adult league (because I'm too young) I really started feeling empty. Even though this is a stupid video game, it helped fill that void. I would get online and I was one of the most respected members of a community for how good I was at what I did. After a match we'd tally up the results per player and I would always end up at or near the top every single time. There were times we'd be down a few men and I'd just take over and kick some ass. Nothing felt better than knowing we were being surrounded and making the decsion to fight my way out instead of waiting in a corner to die and then turning the tables. I was reliable and did my job exactly as it needed to be done day in and day out. It felt great. Now that I don't have that anymore I want it. I am getting to that point again where I don't care what fucking game it is, I just want to be back leading my team. I need that competition even in small doses. It keeps me feeling normal. I'm back down to 40 hours a week now that we aren't going to sell any more phones for about the next 11 months, so I have the time to do it again. I just need to put the band back together. I feel like it's never going to happen again. At least not like it was, but maybe I can get lucky and round up a few of the old guys and then start the recruiting process all over again. I hate recruiting because it's like picking up mercenaries. You never know if you can trust them, and once they get inside, they almost always screw things up. The second part to my deletion of my friends list would be that I would start up a new clan, Loyalty and Honor, with my cousin Phil, and with whatever Old Boys are still around. It might kill me to lose the title "Leader - Team Old Boys" after all the time and effort I put into building the team, but it might have to happen to stop the bleeding. I will think about it more tonight and make my decision by this weekend.

I know I've just become the lamest person you've ever heard of, but I don't care. This is my Blog and my life. If you have a problem with it, get the fuck outta here.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

I was off today. This is how much I did.

Nothing.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Email rocks!

Holy shit. Joe G called up and wants to change shit around here. I don't know if that means it's going to happen, but the fact that I sent an email with a lot of problems and he didn't even get pissed at all is a step in the right direction. I told him that because I don't make a lot of money in hourly and that I'm not making sales that it's not worth it for me out here. He then asked if I'd like to come back to NJ. I didnt' know what to say. I said I'd like to see this work out, but that I'm not happy out here and that I need a change. He agreed. I told him that I can't make the changes to my life that are neccesary to doing this job well for what I'm being paid. I was hoping for a raise, but he agreed that it's not worth it for me. Close, but no cigar. I was talking to people about this and I realized that if I go back, and I'm doing the same thing I was doing, I still can't insure I'll be happy, but at least I'll be where I want to be. At that point I'll find my Roxbury home I've been dreaming of since I left the town (see Silvertown from Joe Dirt). I don't care if what I'm doing for joe G sucks, at least I'll move to where I want to live and if I have to, I'll find another job. Don't get me wrong, I'm still looking to get interviews everywhere I can just in case, but things are looking up.

I woke up and felt great today. I am almost at 100% health, I logged a bit of time on EQ, went to work, and got nothing but positives from Joe G. Even if it doesn't work out, at least I can be happy today.

email

I was mad today. For one, things have been going real badly at the store. We've been getting 1 a day, but it's not enough. A sale takes no more than an hour from dude walking up to dude leaving with phone. The mall is open from 10am to 9pm. That's a long time just sitting there doing nothing. I still make hourly wages, but they suck. If this store was doing a lot of business it wouldn't be so bad. Still wouldn't be great, but at least I wouldn't feel like I do now. So here is where email comes in. I spent a good hour working over an email to Joe G. It basically stated all the problems I've been having that are making me want another job. I didn't come out and say, "take this job and shove it," but I might as well have. It was like in Airheads when the make a bunch of crazy demands so they could plea insanity when they were caught. I was asking for crazy things like being paid equal to the responsibilities I have, the proper equipment, the proper support from the staff in the office, etc. I will definately be deemed insane. I don't know how he'll take it, if he ever reads it. I just hope that it's a step in the right direction for me. I know job searches take time and that if I just quit I'll be out in the cold with no way of paying off my shiny new loan. I am going to leverage everyone I know to try and get my foot in the door.

I started my job search off by emailing my cousin today. She works for the NYSE as a head hunter. I figured that would be a good place to start. I sent her an email only to have it returned to me because I had the wrong email address. I'll call her tomorrow. I have also started work on my resume. I know I have one laying around somewhere, but I don't think it's up to date and gives "pro football player" as a "prior experience." I will put it on my flash drive before I go to work and look it over.

I saw Meet the Fockers this weekend. Long, but a good flick. Not one of the best of all time, and definately not as good as the first one, but a very good flick. I had forgotten how good it feels to go to a movie. I have read/heard that people who grew up in the depression have a special place for movies because they were an escape. I needed an escape so badly on saturday night and the movie was perfect. I wasn't depressed and worried for a good 2.5 hours. It felt so good to just let it all go for a while. Afterwards I was feeling much better than I was before. Even though the same problems still exist, for a little while, I was happy.

Monday, January 10, 2005

10 grand

My truck was diagnosed by my uncle Russ's dealership to need 10k in repairs. I just applied for a loan to pay for it. For the next 5 years I will be paying a minium of 213 a month for a truck that is 7 years old.

I also am searching for a new job. Once I've found one, I will be leaving Wireless Communication Broker to hopefully not work in cell phones again.

Things have been real bad recently, and I needed some time to think it all through. Some things still suck, but I'm dealing with them better, so I will go back to posting regularly soon.

I am trying hard to select my words carefully because I have a lot of stuff going on that I am not at liberty to talk about here.

I am late for work again. I have been on the phone with "loan specialists" for about 5 hours. If I am motivated, I'll post again from work.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Not all my days suck no matter what I say

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This is where the Asians work that gave me SARS

Today doesn't suck. Well, if you count from midnight "this morning" to 5 AM when I layed in bed wide awake (and no I didn't eat any pills yesterday, so it wasnt' from that) then today kinda sucks, but from when I woke up at 11 until now, today's been OK. I am sick still. Today it's actually worse. I think the Asian women from Nail Trix across the hall gave me SARS. I feel like the native americans when they were given small pox blankets. I think it's an Asian Invasion!!! They are out to take over the JC Penney wing of the Stroud Mall! Grrrrr. I'll fix their little red rickshaw.

I haven't eaten right since I got sick. I am just sniffing so much that it makes my stomach hurt and I don't feel like eating. I think I'll close the store early and get something to eat at the food court soon. Tonight the mall is so dead that I bet I could leave a 20 on the counter and nobody would take it. That has nothing to do with the moral fabric of eastern PA, it's just that there's nobody here! Nothing at all. I parked right in front of the mall at 2 and I had my choice of any of 30 spots in the first row. I thought something had happened and the mall was closed.

So today is not so bad. Things haven't changed from my last post and I still have a lot to do to fix that part of my life, but I'm taking advantage of the lack of customers and just relaxing today. I'm not worried about sales anymore. I'm just going to let it happen. Whatever it is. I don't see this store fitting into my life for much longer so I'm not going to waste time worrying.

Well, I feel like crap and I probably should eat something since it's 8 PM and all I"ve had to eat was 2 glasses of water so far today. This is not how an O Lineman keeps at fighting weight.

My dad just called and said my mom's cold she just got over came back. I didn't know she had a cold before. I guess I should take it easy on the Chinamen. I bet I got my cold/SARS from my mother. Oh well, now I can't sit still. I'm gone. I'm going home and hopefully getting some sleep.


Sickness and Pain

I am sick. I have a cold that is slowing me down and shortening my temper. It's not the kinda sick that makes you stay home from work. It's the cold that is just annoying enough to ruin your day but not enough to truely complain about. Not a huge deal, but a runny nose + sleep apnea = even less quality sleep = less happy me. Throw in the fact that my truck is in the shop for major repairs this week that will cost me every penny I've earned to this point and a dark and grey day filled with misty, dirty, rain that made the 200 miles I had to drive even more awful and it really was a wonderful day.

So that's the sickness, the pain aspect is in my heart. I don't know what to do. Every time I've hurt her in any way I've been able to fix it. This time it's taken on a more serious tone. I need to get myself closer and I need to fix my own life ASAP. I promised I'd never mention this part of my life again, but I feel this creeping pain in my mind that I can't figure out. It's like quicksand pulling on my heart. I need to fix things. I have to get my life in order in a way that will make everyone around me happy, but I have to make myself happy first. Nobody likes the clown crying through the painted on smile.

I have started looking for a new job. I don't know when I'll leave the one I'm doing now, but my days are numbered. If I am serious about other aspects of my life, I have to commit to them like I commit to other things that don't give me any other choice. Just because I can choose to commit to some things or not and other things force me to be 100% committed doesnt' mean that the less "written in stone" things can be neglected. Even if it doesn't seem to be that way in my head, I know what it must look like. Now that I've realized what I'm doing it makes me feel very responsible for the downfall of my own little world.

I came to the realization that what I've been offering to the world is my tolerance for unhappiness. I am all too willing to take on other's pain. I can handle a whole mess of suffering before I crack. I feel like I'm doing the right thing and that what I'm doing is a crusade if I am suffering. If I am a tragic hero, my tragic flaw is that my loyalty is laced with extreme willingness to take on others' pain. I will describe this better when I'm not between conciouslness and sleep at 3:30 AM.

Between the cold I have and the thoughts in my head I couldn't sleep tonight. I think I'll try again, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Just because I failed for the past 4 hours doesn't mean the next 4 are going to be failures as well.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Posted by Jay and Silent Bob:
In Reply to: Jay & Silent Bob lick balls - Darth Randal 15:25:37
All you motherfuckers are gonna pay, You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch and cry like little whiny bitches. Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax fucks who are making that movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat. Then you're all fucking next.
Love,
Jay and Silent Bob

Monday, January 03, 2005

I know it was you.

I've learned over the past few weeks that I have some loyal readers that come back here and read my stupid blog on almost a daily basis. These people come in 2 groups. The first group consists of people I'm friends with that come here. They read up, hit me up with AIMs or phonecalls if anything strikes their intrest, and they enjoy their experience here. Those people are great. The second group (and I know who you are, mother fuckers. You didn't think I'd figure it out? Idiots.) are the people I have never liked that want to fuck with me. They want to read every single word I write and scrutinize over ever single angle until they find one that can get me in trouble with other people and tell those people via phonecalls and email.

These are the people that I am forced to spend time with. When I do, I'm uncomfortable, but I try hard. I don't want to spend any time with you guys at all, but I do. Not a lot of time because people realize how uncomfortable you all make me and let me walk on a bunch of social situations, but I do. Maybe you clowns should point the finger inward. I am not mean to people just out of the blue. I don't get uncomfortable for no reason. You assholes started this shit and for the past # years I've had to try to find some way to make it work even though I could care less. Even when I would just sit there and not say a word I would be wrong for being scary and quiet. When I joke around you take offense to everything. When I am serious and want to be left alone you want to joke and offend. When I am nice you ignore it. I've tried it all. I give up. I am done trying. You no longer exist to me.

Report that back. I am sure you opened up Outlook before you even clicked my blog in your favorites.

BTW, if I haven't posted for more than a couple days, then email me. I'll have either stopped blogging due to the lack of honor amongst theives or have moved. I haven't decided which.