Smile! It's Lent!

As of 12am Wednesday, it's lent 2006. I wouldn't have even known if the whole mardi gras thing wasn't huge post Katrina news. Today was also my first real day on the job. So here goes...

I'm making a change this lent, and here's why. I took 2 pictures on Saturday. One where I was smiling with my teeth showing, and one where my lips were closed. The picture where I was smiling with my teeth showing embarassed me. I looked at my teeth for a good 5 minutes and realized that they look like shit. Due to tonight being Fat Tuesday, and the official last day of revelry before 40 days of fasting, things don't change until tomorrow, but as of tomorrow, my teeth are my priority. I'm stopping things that ruin my smile. That also includes a nice shiny box of whitening strips and new whitening tooth paste.

This has been a long time coming. I brush my teeth, I use mouthwash, but not enough. I have been watching my pearly whites go to kinda off whites and now I'm tired of it. So, in the spirit of Coach Joe B, I'm taking the next 40 days to get my mouth in order. I'm going to take some pictures tonight as the completely not overused and played out "before" picture. Every Wednesday night from tomorrow until the Wednesday before Easter I will be taking more high rez photos of my chompers. At that point I will evaluate where I've gone in oral hygene. I'm going to say right now that I've been very slack ass about the whole deal because I've always had clean, straight, and cavity free teeth with very little maintenance, but now that I'm older and I'm making very conscious efforts to improve my physical appearance, the teeth are next. As of today I'm down aprox. 70lbs from the day I decided it was time to cut down. That's a victory in progress. I've not been running as much as I had planned, but I've kept it up. The prison workout is easy to get in a few times a week, so I've been banging out a few pushups/situps. The key is going to be finding out what my life is going to be like at NMFN and finding the most convenient gym. Brad has mentioned wanting to lift in NYC. I'm not against that idea and I actually think it's a pretty good one. The only piece of the puzzle is my time commitment to work. If I can get out every day at 5 or 6 and Brad's going to be in the city and wanting to lift at the same time, then I'll sign right up. The problem comes in if we're on different schedules, not in the city the same days/times, etc. If that's the case then I'll just sign up for a gym here in Morristown and take it from there.

But I digress... The main goal of this post is to say that I've changed my focus and I'm taking care of my teeth. I don't want to post my before pictures until I've made progress so I don't look like an ass. How's that for conviction?

fuck you... I'm gone

Great Weekend, Going Live Soon

OK, what a weekend. I had a blast, got a lot of shit done, and spent some quality time where it needed to be spent. Friday was a party down in Toms River, Saturday was hanging out here, Sunday was devoted to cleaning and settting up this joint so it's actually a respectable looking apartment. Everything went exactly to plan. Everything happened just how I wanted it to. Everything rocked. My Dad stopped by today and hooked me up with a gallon of chilli he made last night. He makes some serious kick ass chilli. He started making it back when I was playing high school football and would sell it at the concession stand. I never knew exactly how much chilli he'd make, but it was a huge vat every single week. Nowadays he will make a gallon or two here or there and I was lucky enough to get some for myself. Along with the chilli came some supplies from Mom. She refuses to stop by without some food, so she loaded up my dad with things like butter, milk, and other stupid things like that. It's nice to get a little food boost like that. I was just thinking I need to go to the store because I was out of a lot of stuff, but now I've got enough to get me through at least this week.

Oh, and milk is in every freaken recepie. If I run out of milk, I can't make anything. Sure, I can bake a roast or fry up some eggs or that kind of thing, but anything bread-like needs milk. Biscuits, oatmeal, pancakes, etc. I also got a cool cook book from my sister and I think when I go to the store I'm going to bring along a few recepies to try. It's called A Man, A Can, and A Microwave and it's basically a waterproof picture book of things that are good but take very little work. I always remember to buy the stuff after I get home from the store. I need to make myself a note... done.

So, tomorrow's Monday. Training started 2 weeks ago and ended a week ago Friday. I went in last Tuesday... so am I doing my job yet? Nope. I don't start until Tuesday. I need to go up to white planes tomorrow and do a presentation in front of all the muckidy mucks. I need to tell them my business plan, what I intend to do at NMFN, etc. I'm looking forward to it because I've known what I was going to say the whole time. I don't see why anyone's presentation would be any different from anyone else's. You do everything exactly the way you are supposed to, follow the instructions of your mentor, be ready to step outside of your comfort zone, and work your ass off and you will suceede. If you fail, then the process is flawed and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you do things your own way and you fail, then you're stupid. I don't have time to fail. I want this so badly. This job seems like the thing I've been looking for all these years I've been bouncing around chasing dreams and earning scraps. If I can just get off to a good start then I'm going to be a very happy man. How do I do that? I do everything exactly the way it's been proven to work and pay attention to detail. How could anyone change that? I know I'm going to hear a bunch of shit from people who don't really know how rough this kinda sales job is. They are going to get up and talk about seminars, bilboards, and bullshit and not even touch upon what's important. They won't even realize it, but they are setting themselves up to feel like shit. Like I said, if you do things your way and fail, then it's you that failed. If you do exactly what you're told and you fail, then it's not your fault.

My plan, which I haven't got on paper yet, is to do exactly what has been proven to work over and over again and avoid the distractions and flak that is involved with sales. I'm going to use what I've learned and what I've done only as far as it fits in the clean cut plan that NMFN has lined up for me. I'm going to be open and honest with my mentor and make sure that I'm doing exactly the right stuff all the time. I'm not going to let small failures turn into big ones by allowing them to hang around. I'm going to stay focused on the goals and carefully track my progress.

It's that simple. Do what you are told. Do what has been proven to work. Don't let the meaningless stuff get in the way.

Done.

So here I am, nervous and wide awake at 1am. I don't have to be in White Planes until 1pm, but I should be in bed. I'm actually dreading having to work all week, but there is a silver lining. When you have something you're looking forward to on the weekends, being busy and watching time fly by is not a bad thing.

bah, I'm going to bed.

Grownup Problems

Back in the day I could quit a job and then just look around for another one without any fear that I'd starve. Now, as an "adult" I leave one job knowing I will start the other one in a week and I'm scared I'm going to starve. I guess that's what happens when you fall for a classic management trick and get paid below the poverty level for 6 months. I seriously didn't bank a dime before I left AGE and now that I'm probably a month and a half from a real paycheck I'm starting to get scared. My new boss will forward me the cash I need to survive, but I am going to have to have a check in hand real quick to pay my bills. Oh, did I forget to mention health insurance? I use sophisticated medical equipment that's LEASED to me, so I've been staring at a letter from the medical center that I know has a bill in it for a week. I'm going to owe them big money for my CPAP machine until I get covered by my new health insurance. Add to that the fact that I have rent, bills, train faire, and a reason to drive an hour as often as possible (tee hee...) I'm up shit's creek sans paddle. I even turned down a night at my favorite bar with my 2 of my favorite drinking buddies tonight so I could have enough cash to survive.

When I make my first big month at NMFN I'm going to come back and link to every post where I talk about how fucking poor I am and LOL right in my own stupid face. I can't wait. Did I mention that NMFN is going to work out? Well... it is. I'm having a better experience with people BEFORE I EVEN START than I did a year into being a broker. I'm excited to see a few heavy paychecks come my way. Once I can start banking money every month I have plans that will drastically improve my life. Every time I talk to a stranger on the train and they ask if I can call them to schedule an apointment after I tell them that I haven't even started yet it makes my mouth water. I have a mental list of all the stuff I'm going to do, and it's going to be awesome.

The flip side to coming back and linking these bitching about money posts is if this job doesn't work out I'm going to link to this post and make fun of myself for drinking the NMFN Kool-Aide too soon. Of course, I have shit lined up in case this falls to shit as well... don't you worry your pretty lil head over it.

OK, bitches and bitchettes, I'm out.

Old School, Putfile, and NYC

BEFORE


AFTER


FINALLY! I broke down and bought myself a buzzer at Walgreens and went old school all up in this mofukka. I feel like my old self again! Beard is incomming... kinda, but with my head shaved now, I feel so good. There's something about looking in the mirror and seeing what you want to see that feels oh so good. I just can't keep up with hair. Mine grows so fast and to get a good haircut I have to be in Morristown during semi-normal business hours. Even then it's still not a guarantee that my hair will be the way I like it. Every time is different, every time is a hastle. I always wait too long and look like a little puffy headed kid. I was going to go today (and I'll explain later) but then I realized that I could spend 20 bucks and buy a buzzer and shave my head 10X a week if I want or I can spend 20 bucks and have a decent haircut for a couple weeks before I get self conscious. I actually was aware of my hair this week because I had plans actually work out. I tried to catch my barber, but he was closed the 3 times I went over there. So, I went out to dinner with puffy 10yr old retard hair. Those days are over. I'm back to what I like. Buzzed on zero. I should just chuck the clips because I'll never use them. I like the feel, the look, the cleansliness, everything about my head being shaved. Wearing anything on my head is more comfortable now too. I can't say it enough, I'm PUMPED about shaving my head again.

The second part of the title today is talking about the movie that Trebek and I made this weekend. He came over and neither one of us felt like going boozing so we decided to mess around with my video capture and editing software on the old computer. The resulting machinima (click here for the wikipedia definition of "machinima" if you are not familiar) is awesome. I've made quite a few movies in the past two years, but only a few have been shared on the web and even fewer are worth watching more than a few times. This one is starting to gain momentum. My move, Becomming The Champ: It Begins is IN THE TOP 50 FOR THE WEEK ON PUTFILE.COM! Trebek and I are both going nuts. It's been up for 2 days and it will break 1000 views by tonight. It's holding a 3.4 out of 5 rating making it #49 for the week as of right now. I knew it was pretty good, but the respect it's getting on the site is AWESOME. Nothing like doing something you enjoy and getting even the smallest bit of credit. If you want to check out the short, then here's the link: Becoming The Champ: It Begins. If you can't tell, I'm pretty proud of my nerdery.

The final part of this post is my job. I was under the impression that I'd start today seeing as training ended on Friday. I woke up at 6am SHARP. I took a shower, shaved, fed the cats, cleaned the litter box, ate breakfast, walked to the train station nice and early so I could buy my 10 trip train pass, got on the train, rode all the way to NY Penn alone (huge bonus), walked into my office at about quarter to 9, made myself a sweet list of things I wanted to get done today, met a few of my coworkers, and was waiting for the haymaker to land in my mouth seeing as everything else had went PERFECTLY up to this point. Then Sam came in. I asked if I could speak to him, he said sure, so I went into his office and he started the conversation by saying, "didn't you check your voicemail?" "No." "I called you yesterday and left a message, you start Friday at 3:30." I had screened the call because it was an unknown number and I'm tired of being offered payment protection on my chase card. I didn't check the message because I had a ton of messages. I erased them all on the train ride home... at noon... and low and behold... "Hi, it's Sam, I want to talk to you about the gameplan. We're going to have you start on Friday at 3:30. See you then, but call me so we can go over the details." Doh.

First day on the new job

As of today I officially work in NYC. I commuted in and commuted out flawlessly. It actually felt good to be on the train and the subway because I knew where I was going. I agonized over it so much the first time I went in that this time it was cake. I actually enjoyed the trip. The way home was a different story. I was worn out and really didn't feel like waiting forever to get home. Of course I hopped on the first train home and ended up on a freaken local train that stopped more times than I'd like to remember. Tomorrow I'm waiting for a midtown direct that is nonstop for most of the way even if that means staying later than I had wanted to originally.

But wait, what didn't I mention? Oh yeah, the freaken deepest snowfall in NYC's recorded history! OH SNAP! Well, it doesn't mean shit to me. Only inconvenience I could see was the walk from my apartment to the train station (which sucked, but wasn't so bad). I get to the train station at about 5 after 7... train is due to arrive at 7:17 and I have ZERO DOLLARS on me. So, I go inside to buy a week pass to NYC and there is a HUGE line of people doing the same thing. I'm watching the clock and tapping my feet and 7:17 is rapidly approaching, but the line isn't moving fast enough. I couldn't get on the train and buy a ticket because I had no cash, so I was going to miss my train to buy a ticket if it didn't start moving. 5 minutes till go time and I'm maybe 3 people back from the teller. Then this asshole dude gets to the front of the line and is lollygagging. He was seriously at the teller for 5 minutes. Why do I know that? Because I was WATCHING THE CLOCK LIKE A HAWK! 7:17 rolls around and he's putting his wallet away and laughing with the clerk while I'm still 2 spots back from the pole position. They both come and go and I buy my pass. Now it's 7:19 and I'm like... "WTF?" Still no train. Then a voice comes over the loudspeaker, "The 6:27 midtown direct has been delayed 40 minutes. We'll update you as we have information." 6:27? What about my train? Well, the 6:27 showed up at 7:45 and there were 4 trainloads of people waiting to get on. I get on, sit down, and a man sits next to me with his video ipod watching the simpsons. I thought that was actually kinda cool. I never understood why anyone would go crazy for an ipod, let alone a video ipod, but that commute is a long quiet ride packed in tight with a lot of people. It would be nice to have a distraction. So, I'm on the train and it's a half hour later than I expected, but I was planning on being at work an hour early. I'm still in good shape right? Wrong. The train I got on had to be made into a local train because one of the four loads of people were waiting on a local train. So we stopped at the first 4 or 5 stops to let people on and off. At that point it was obvious that every single seat on the train was full and a couple people had to stand, so they expressed it the rest of the way to manhatten. I don't know what people were doing if they were looking to get off at other stops, but I didn't really care at that point. I just wanted to get to work on time.

The train stops at NY Penn and I get off. Panic sets in for a second. I start worrying about where to go and then I realize that I KNOW where to go. I casually follow the crowd of other commuters to the 1 uptown and walk right on. This time the subway didn't seem confusing or scary at all. I went 1 stop, got off at times square, walked to the shuttle, rode it to grand central, and walked right into my office... 9 minutes late, but very very happy. I didn't think I'd be intimidated and scared forever, but I had no idea I'd be comfortable with it all so fast. I really had no problem at all.

I get in and there is a group of people sitting around the conference room table and the GA was standing at the helm with a big drawing board and a marker. He joked about me being in a hurry, to relax, and get comfortable. I did, and the rest of the day was cake. The GA had the floor for the morning and another manager had the afternoon. It was all introductory information and information about the company, but I learned two important things today: 1. I'm off on monday. 2. I only have a week of training. I really wasn't looking forward to a month or two of training like I had at AGE. I allready had that crap and I didn't really think that another month of product training would help. The way this program works is you get a crash course for a week and then your only job is to get appointments. When you get the appointments you go with an experienced guy and do joint work until you have a firm grasp on everything. At that point you start taking over the meetings, but still do joint work. When you are at 100% you get to go out on your own. When you feel you need help, you bring someone with you to help. Eventually, you're the one being called on to help and the circle of life goes on. I love it.

I didn't let my trainers get away with anything though. I grilled them on every piece of the puzzle and every aspect of my job no matter how plain and simple it seemed. I have enough experience now to know how things work (at least how they worked for me) so I'm doing everything in my power to make sure I don't get into a similar "no win" situation like the one I was mired in at AGE. The best way I can describe it is that I have a reality, they are telling me their reality, and I have to trust them enough to bridge the two in my head and understand that this process works. No matter how much proof there is on paper it's not enough to tell me 100% that it's going to work for me, so that's where the bridge comes in. I'm doing everything in my power (asking a shit load of questions, prying at every angle) to make sure that the bridge is a short and sturdy one, but there is still that leap of faith I have to make where I just say "this bridge is safe" and start walking. Until I've walked it, there's no way to know for sure, but from what I've heard it's strong enough.

In other news, Wyatt was rolling around on my lap tonight and fell off... well... not so much fell off as slipped and caught himself by digging his enourmous nails into my upper leg and holding on for dear life. Enter, stage left, nail clippers. I held him down in my lap and clipped his nails. I was fearing doing that forever, but the feeling of 10 little needles piercing you an inch from you ball bag makes you a believer in clipping nails REAL quick. Wyatt really didn't want me messing with his feet, but Virgil was asleep when I grabbed him, so he was pretty chill the whole time. It was actually pretty easy. The nails are tiny and the quick is very very clear through their transparant claws. When I used to help my mom cut the dog's nails it was scary because they have black nails and it's really hard to tell how short you can go. The kittens' nails have a curve that you just have to hook in the clipper and snip. I will definatly keep that up on a weekly basis.

I also am going to get myself an ionic breeze or two seeing as my best friend came over and looked like he was going to die from allergies. I know a lot of other people are going to be allergic too, so it wouldnt' hurt to try and reduce the allergens in the air around here. I don't want people running from my apartment with swollen eyes because I have cats.

Anyways, it's past my new bedtime. I wanted to be in bed by 10:30... not to wake up, but because I was tired as shit. I'm going to bed NOW.

Power Moves

I've been putting off posting here for over a week now because so much has been happening and so much has been up in the air that I didn't want to say ANYTHING until I had an idea what was going on. Here's the story:

I was given an unrealistic goal for January at AG Edwards. I was supposed to bring in more in one month than most 5 to 10 year guys bring in. I actually had a shot because a couple I was working with needed a product that would have helped me meet the goal. I needed them to believe in the product. They believed in me. I needed the sale... thus, I didn't get it.

So, I started looking elsewhere knowing I wasn't going to have a job come Feb1. I was out of the office on the first, so I got the news from Helder first. Our shmarmy boss made him defend himself or lose his job. He defended himself and kept his job for another month. There's a great story there... I'll tell you later. He has some things in the works that just might save him. Good luck, my friend. Campinella is a month behind us and has some pretty legit leads forming for himself, so he's in good shape as long as things swing his way.

Feb2 I go into the office and know I'm going to have an email waiting for me "Come see me when you get settled pls, thx, Shmarmy Boss" I get in, there it is. I fuck around until about 4 when he calls me in even though I am on the phone. He tries to make me beg for my job, I refuse. I offer no information, he talks out of being uncomfortable. I pack up my shit, chat for a couple hours, and leave...

POWER MOVE:

I start at NW Mutual on Monday! I have a job in Manhatten. I always swore I'd stay as far away from the city as I could possibly go, but this job is fantastic. This is one of the most highly regarded companies in the US across all industries. They have a product that appeals to the kind of people I want to work with. They give me the same choices and freedoms I had at AGE but they support me with everything I could ever ask for. I didn't want to take the job. I didn't want to go to NYC every day. I didn't want to be a commuter. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a suit and tie every day anymore, but then I met the regional manager for the NE region and over the course of a week he's made me a believer. I've went over all the fine print. I've scoured over every detail. I've been over critical and refused to sell myself any higher than reality. I gave honest accounts of what I've done in the past without using clean and shiny business speak to make them sound awesome when they were not. I talked about my weaknesses and let them know exactly where I fail. They were so excited to have me coming in after everything I could possibly say to ruin it for myself, showed me everything I wanted to see, and really made me feel like I was doing the right thing when I signed my name on the dotted line.

I am so scared.

I went into the city by myself for the first time on Monday. I got on the 8am train out of morristown and rode into NY Penn station. From there I took the 1 uptown and then the shuttle to Grand Central. I don't even have to leave Grand Central to get to my office, so it's actually not that bad, but the whole ordeal left me emotionally wrecked. I fucked up so many times trying to figure out exactly what I was doing. I didn't know the shuttle was upstairs from the 1. I didn't know where to find a subway enterance. I didn't know where to aim for when I was going from place to place. By the end of the day I had been all over the city running errands to get myself ready to go. I called Brad probably a dozen times to double check where I was going and what my options were. He helped me out a lot and I'm very very thankful that he was there to take my paniced phone calls.

The city moves so fast. Everyone knows exactly where they are going and what they are doing but me. I stand there on the platform and have no idea what I'm even waiting for and everyone else is on autopilot. That was worse than not knowing what I was doing... knowing I was alone. Everything is scary when you don't know what to expect and have no safe place... no home base... no point of reference. Morristown was like that to a much lesser degree when I first moved here. I didn't know where anything was but my office, but from there I was able to find my way anywhere. I just needed to know how to get back to one place and everything else grew out of there. In NYC I have no clue. My office is basically Grand Central Station, but I have no idea how to get to or from there because I've never used mass transit to get around. I've never even hailed a cab before. I've been a country boy driving a pickup truck down roads with no lines all my life. Now that I'm dealing with such a rigid structure that is so different from what I know I don't even know where to start. I do know what trains stop where on my way to and from the office, but when I was told to go down to the 14th precinct on 8th between 35th and 36th or some shit I was like, "uh... how do I do that?" If it was the life I'm used to I'd mapquest the mother fucker, write the directions on the back of an old envelope and just pay attention. In NYC you have to know what station puts you close enough to walk and which subway cars stop there. YOu also have to know if it's uptown or downtown from where you are NOW. It all sounds so simple until you're thrown into the mix with a timeline and responsibilities. I was late everywhere.

The 2 stations:

I wanted to make this an entire post because this is the first thing that struck me traveling around the city, but here it is as a snippet. If I just don't start writting bits and pieces I"ll get behind and write none of it.

NYC is such a beautiful and amazing place. All the lights and colors jump out at you from every direction from the moment the train pulls into the station. There were street performers in the stations playing violins, guitars, drums, a 10 piece brass group, and a woman painted completely in silver metalic makeup on stilts. Even the smells assault you so hard that you know you're in the city. Not particularly bad odors, but it's just city smell. Everything comes at you so fast and so hard. The people fly by with their eyes locked straight ahead. I found myself feeling even more alone because I could look someone right in the face from a foot away and not look away and they wouldn't even notice. I felt like such a voyeur. I was just looking around taking everything and everyone in and they didn't even see me.

I find the country to be beautiful like a flower. It's perfectly quiet. You enjoy it for what it is at this exact moment and want to protect and enjoy it for as long as you can. What you see when you look out over a green field is only going to be there for a few more months before the leaves fall and the grass dies, but while it's there it's breathtaking. It's pleasant and comfortable. The country makes you want to stop and stay a while. I've never been one to sit still without something in front of me to actively keep me occupied, but when I used to visit my late grandpa and grandma in Kentucky I used to just sit on the porch for hours. When the sun would go down and my mom would let me know it was time for bed I'd just want to stay 5 minutes more. For what??? All I was doing was sitting and rocking on the porch with my dad and grandpa. I couldn't even understand grandpa because of his accent. It's just the way you appreciate that kind of splendor no matter who you are.

NYC is the exact opposite.

NYC is beautiful, but it's so different. NYC is hardened, cold, and loud. The sidewalks are smooth from billions of footsteps. The buildings have been utilized in every single way possible. Every square inch of every building is an office, an apartment, etc... Every exterior spec is covered with something to look at from graphiti to signs to stickers for one cause or band or show or whatever... everything is interesting to look at. I've always been known to let my eyes dart around and take everything in, but I don't know how anyone could walk around the streets of manhatten and not find themselves spinning to take in everything that surrounds them. Even with everything to look at (including the beautiful women) eveyone seems to not even notice that anyone is there but themselves. I started feeling like I was alone in a world of little worlds so I started looking right at people. They didn't even see me! I felt like such a voyeur. With all the people around nobody notices or cares if you take a look. I thought back to all the times in school I had been caught looking at a pretty girl or listening in on some nearby conversation. In NYC you can do all of that and nobody gives a shit. It's amazing.

I never had any use for an iPod before, but I'm going to get myself one of the ones that plays XM radio and MP3s just because NYC is so fucking LOUD. There is this drone of noise that makes everything around you feel so big and you so small. I felt like everything was closing in on me. I couldn't even have a conversation over the cell phone on the street because I couldn't hear anyone. While I was trying to get directions to a subway station I was thinking about my neighbors here in Morristown. I had a complaint filed against me for noise violations by my downstairs neighbor. As I'm typing this I'm listening to music... OVER MY HEADPHONES... just like I have since I moved in! WTF are they hearing??? If they think I'M a bad neighbor they should spend a night in NYC. I imagine that it doesn't get much quieter at night. It's not even anything specific that you are hearing... it's just background noise... static. I started feeling so claustrophobic that all I wanted was my own set of noise to cancel out the noise I couldn't control. I WILL be spending a great deal of money on moble sound equipment once I find myself with a couple extra bucks. Of all the things in NYC, the noise made me feel the worst.

There are two major stations I spent time in while moving around the city... grand central and the port authority (don't ask how I got there). They are as opposite as they could be.

When I got in I was proud of myself. I had made it to grand central all by myself and was no worse for it. When I got there it was stunning. Everything is shiny, clean, and perfect. The walls are marble and the ceiling is a work of art. The whole place just screams sophistication like I can't even describe with my mediocre grip on the English language. I felt like such a big shot walking around that place. Everyone store, every employee, every add, ever turn, every sign, every STREET PERFORMER (this is where I saw a man playing a violin... supprisingly well too), everything was pristine. There was a moment where I questioned why I was so afraid to work in NYC before because this was the opposite of scary or intimidating...

Then I got off at the port authority... What a fucking shithole. Every person walking around was a drunk, homeless, or some fucking degenerate that made me look over my shoulder a few times a minute. It felt like every piece of shit in NYC was forced to stay there. God I hate that place. I am too tired to even go into it, but by the time I got my money orders (needed them for the finger prints at the police station... yeah, they only take money orders) I didn't even want to try mass transit anymore. I just walked out the door and kept walking until I got to the station. It took me FOREVER and I had no idea if I was walking through good or bad neighborhoods because they all looked the same to me. FUCK I HATE THAT STATION.

Brad called because he was working from home and was bored and I let him know that I was just shot and wanted to go home. I've never missed NJ more than I did around 4pm on Monday. I know he could hear it in my voice. I was just mentally tired. I was at the point where all I wanted was my truck, my XM Satalite Radio, and $1 chicken sandwitch from McDs. I hadn't eaten all day and I was starting to feel shaky. I don't know if it was the fact that I was about 14 hours overdue for a snack or because I was just that blown to pieces by a day of new experiences in a new place with noone to rely on but myself. After I got off the phone with Brad I stopped to ask one of the NYT workers for a subway map. There were two people working so I walked to the closer one. As I walked up the man sitting at the far booth started banging angrily on the glass and waved me over like I was trying to piss him off by not going to him first. "Sir, can I please have a subway map?" "WHERE ARE YOU TRYING TO GO???" "Sir, this is the first time I've ever been to NYC and I start my new job here on Monday. I'd just like a map so I can learn a little bit more about how NYT works." "LOL! HERE'S YOUR MAP. GOOD LUCK AT YOUR NEW JOB." The best way to describe how I felt when I got back on the NJ transit train back to Morristown is I felt like a beaten kid. I was worn out emotionally, physically, and afraid of what it was going to be like the next time. I don't know how I'm going to handle doing this on a daily basis, but I'm going to do my damndest to make it work. I just hope I learn a few tricks to calm myself down and get where I need to be without worrying.

In other news:

The kittens are growing up fast. They've only been here 3 weeks and they are allready noticably bigger than when they came home. Wyatt is no longer having problems with dry food and Virgil has warmed up to me and my apartment just right. Last night I didn't close my bedroom door all the way and I woke up to Virgil standing on my chest licking my nose. First it scared the shit out me because I didn't expect it at all, but once I was awake and realized it was just the kittens I rolled over and went back to sleep. I woke up this morning with two kittens sleeping on my back. I don't think I'm going to let them in my room anymore, but it wasn't horrible to have them around last night.

Tonight I had plans for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately things didn't work out, but I'm looking forward to when they do.

I've been a slack ass when it comes to eharmony. Girls, I'm sorry. This has been a bitch of a month and I'm going to be back to answer what I would do if my girlfriend brought me to a party where I didn't know anyone soon. I'm paying out the ass for the service and the smart money's on me using it.

Teh_Vertigo

Holy spinning horse shit... I hate the poison that I ingested. In other words, if you haven't been following my long and annoying away messages that have detailed the feeling of absolute impending death that I've put up over the past few days, here goes:

Saturday I wake up at 10:30 rested and ready to go. I put the kittens in their travel box and grab a couple hotdogs (I know, awful breakfast). I'm in a hurry, so I only nuke them for about a minute... they are still luke warm when I eat them. I ride about an hour to Great Meadows to visit with my family for a bit before I bring the kittens to the vet. My mother asks if I'm hungry and offers me cottage cheese with pineapple... I accept. We then get in the car and go out to PA to see the vet. When we are about a minute from the vet I get a sudden and intense feeling of dizziness (or teh vertigo). It goes away after a few seconds. I pass it off as just a quick change in altitude while driving. I bring the kittens in and give the girl all my information. Name: Wyatt Color: Tuxedo Age/DOB: October 5, 2005. Name: Virgil Color: Tuxedo Age/DOB: October 5, 2005. (yes, I named my cats after the Earps and I'm happy with it. They don't answer to shit anyways, might as well have fun). The checkup room is open so I bring them in. The nurse is weighing them and looking up their records when I get so dizzy I can't even stand up. I slump into the chair and start pouring sweat. "Did you bring a stool sample?" "Yes... it's in the car... I'll be right back." I stumble so badly trying to get out of the office that I almost fall over and get dirty looks from the woman and young girl walking in with their cat... they think I'm hammered. I stumble to the car and bend over to pull the latch for the trunk... and almost fall on my face. Luckily, my mother's shitty Korean car broke my fall and I slumped into the car and just layed there. I was not going to make it back inside. I took off my hat, GLASSES, and fleece and put them on top of the car. I dont' know if I can, but I slide around the car to the passenger side and lay down in the passenger seat. I can't even open my eyes at this point. I'm pouring sweat so fast that it's getting in my eyes and I can taste it as it drips down my mouth and off my chin. I'm soaked. My mother comes out in a few because I never returned with kitten shit and asks if I'm OK. I can't even answer her loud enough for her to hear. She gets to the car and I explain what I'm feeling and ask her to go back in and explain exactly what's going on with Wyatt and make sure everything's OK. She does, and in about 20 minutes she's back outside with the kittens and gets back in. She lays my fleece and hat on my lap and we go. I'm so sick I can barely breath. When I feel the car stop and my mother says we're home I quickly put the seat up so I could get out ASAP... and we weren't home... we were a block away. I tell my mom that I'm feeling like I'm going to puke, she keeps driving. Finally, as she's turning into the driveway I have to yell out "STOP THE CAR" and puke my fucking guts out all over the driveway. Somehow I finish puking, ride up the driveway, and get in the house. I crash on the couch, puke again about 30 minutes later (this time all dry heaves and snot... mmmm) and am incapable of opening my eyes for 24 hours. I wasn't feeling so bad later that afternoon, but if I tried to open my eyes I was immediately so nautious that I grabbed the garbage can in fear of puking all over the place. I had no plans of staying past lunch... I didn't end up leaving until Monday morning circa 6AM. I went to work on monday, but I felt so shitty and got so little done that I called out Tuesday and Wednesday to try and get my shit together. I've been in bed early sat, sun, mon, and tues to try to get to work should I feel better, but no luck. I wake up, shower, and hope that the dizziness will go away, but it hasn't. Even today, Wednesday, at 6PM I'm still feeling light headed. It's better every ,klghy c <--- typed by Wyatt. He just figured out the keys make noise. AS I was saying, I'm feeling better every day, and the doctor my mother works with through the school said that it's normal to feel like shit for days after a serious food poisoning.

Of course, having problems with your dome piece makes you scared and having friends that say "dude, you had a fucking stroke." or "holy shit, that's exactly what my uncle said right before he had a heart attack at 30." Doesn't make it any better. But, I do have to thank you for scaring the dog shit out of me.

So, what have I been doing the past few days? Let me see... I've been laying so low that it's insane. No TV, no EQ, no Xbox, no nothing. I know that if opening my eyes was bad on day 1 then panning a TV/Monitor for hours isn't going to feel good at all. I did sneak in a few minutes of EQ this half week. I was going insane just laying around. Sure, I have two kittens that are great company, but there are only so many hours you can snooze with cats while they get ready to wake up at midnight and kick each others' asses. I've let about 10 emails come in unanswered, which I hate doing, but I had no choice. Obviously, today I'm feeling up to typing and watching my typos fly by, so I'm going to get back to some of these people.

Anyways, I have shit to do, I'm going to leave this be