Another Waste of Time

Job Security in Spite of Yourself

2008-08-31T09:57:00.003-04:00

Something very interesting happened to me the other day. I was having a problem with management at work and started looking at my options. My company is huge so I could transfer just about anywhere in the world, so I started looking.

Once I got a few hours into this search I realized how much my life would change if I picked up and moved to ANY of these jobs. It didn't even matter to me at the time. I had to get out before things got REALLY ugly.

Then I went home, put on the TV, and forgot that I was fresh out of food. I ran out to the store to pick up a least a couple days of food before the store closed and got in about 20 minutes before the doors were locked.

I rushed around and picked up a hand basket full of food, but didn't have a hand for milk. I dropped my stuff at the register and went to the dairy aisle.

In that aisle were two employees of the store. They were bitching up a storm about the job, their boss, the hours, etc... but the amazing thing was that it was very similar conversation to the one I was in only a couple hours earlier. In fact, if you had just changed a few industry words, my conversation in my "sophisticated" job were exactly the same as the conversation being had by the two "unskilled labor" guys in the supermarket.

It was so similar that I started comparing it to problems I've had at other jobs and reasons I didn't like working other places.

At this point I had my milk but decided to be a snoop a little more and get some cheese.

These guys were complaining about the same things that make every job suck:
1. Management (Unqualified, over enthusiastic, promoted for wrong reasons, etc)
2. Responsibility for things outside of their control
3. Hours/Work load
4. Pay

Our jobs could not be more different, yet those 4 problems exist everywhere. EVERYONE feels under paid, under appreciated, over worked, responsible for too much (or too little), etc.

So if everyone has those feelings, why do they complain?

It's a simple answer. Complaints come from within. Jobs are what you make of them. Whatever you're doing isn't as hard as you think it is, you're being paid better than necessary, and things aren't as bad as they seem.

Some people validate their existance by suffering. No matter what it is, they will find a way to point out something that they have to endure that makes them a better person/employee/etc. They are not comfortable with things just being "good." They must figure out what the problems are because if there aren't any problems then this can't be for real.

I am one of those people. I find fault with just about everyone around me and with everything I'm doing to a point where I find myself questioning why I'm doing just about everything I'm doing. I have a job that pays me more than any other job I applied for when I was looking for jobs. It has serious responsibilities, but they only come up maybe once every few years. The work load is simple and fun. The people I work with are awesome. I really couldn't ask for a better situation... I take that back... you can always be paid more for doing less. That is one of the certainties of life. But, beyond the "HUUURRRRR I want to be paid more" argument, there is nothing wrong...

BUT I STILL FIND FATAL FLAWS.

After that incident at the supermarket everything came together. It was a great moment. Those two guys who were bitching in the middle of an active store were the perfect eye opener. It was a moment. It was something I hope to never forget. No matter how bad you think it is, you have to ask yourself if it's any worse than the alternatives. Look back on what you didn't like about past jobs. Think about those things and put them into broader categories. Compare them with what you are complaining about now.

If you're anything like me you've worked in a couple different industries and had some radically different jobs. I've been everything from a strong back to a financial mind to an opperational specialist and in every job I can point back to those 4 things: Boss, Unreasonable expectations/responsibilites, work load, pay.

I can tell you without hesitation that the past few days of work have been a breeze. I've had the same stupid bullshit going on that made me angry to begin with, but I've taken it with a smile on my face.

I finally know it's me who has the problem... not my jobs. If you've been divorced 10 times... you have to stop blaming the other party. If you become increasingly unhappy with every job to the point where you force yourself away... OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER... then maybe it's time you stop blaming the jobs and start with a serious overhaul of the way you look at your career.

366 Days to Die

2007-11-30T21:57:00.000-05:00

I realized today that I have 366 days to die if I want to be in the cool kid "dead at 27" club. I finally have things going in the right direction, so I am not choosing to drop dead for any reason... but who knows?

I got out of my work truck at the marine building at the end of my shift tonight and took a second to enjoy the view of the waterfront at sunset. It's funny, but I forget that I work on the ocean. I need to actually stand there and stare at the water for a few minutes before it sinks in. I guess it comes with the fast paced nature of my job. I don't get a lot of time to sit and marvel at the beauty and plentiful bounty of the ocean. But, if you're entire job revolves around SHIPS... then maybe you should remember that they sail on the WATER.

I love the sunset. It's great lighting for the last few minutes of the work day. Tonight it was what got me contemplated the last year and what I've made of myself. The biggest difference from this recap and recaps of years past is that I've always had SOMETHING going, but this year I have a real sustainable career that isn't going anywhere... and I MEAN THAT... unlike when I was talking about fighting through a job at AG Edwards.

Now I'm with a great company, doing work that isn't going anywhere, and loving every second of it. I make great money and have been earning respect from my managers and peers... if only for the fact that I have a decent sense of humor and can take a joke. This is the kind of place that I'd like to stay for the rest of my career.

I've got a great girl in my life. (: (: (:

I sold my truck... which sucked at the time... but I got a really fun car that saves me a ton of money without having to look like it was designed by homosexual aliens. VW TDI FTW

I'm moving into a new "apartment." (how do I say that I'm renting a room in a house? Is that an apartment... room... what?) this place will cut my bills in half while also being a badass place to live... nuf sed

Basically, 2008 is my year. Everything is in line. All I have to do is keep my head on a swivel and keep out of trouble and everything will be fine.

Goodbye,

NJX70

Best Man

2007-10-09T19:09:00.000-04:00

My best friend got married on Saturday. It really didn't sink in that he was getting married until it was time to do my toast at the reception. Actually, that isn't true... it sunk in deep about 20 minutes before it was time to speak.

I realized I was sitting at the head table at my best friend's wedding and that I had to get up and say something that would be recorded and remembered for the rest of his life. I had to put the friendship of my life into words in front of everyone that mattered in his life. I had written about 10 different versions of the toast the week before and had been thinking about it ever since he got engaged and told me I was going to be his best man. When the time came to sit down and actually write up some notes and hit the bricks I just closed my laptop and decided it had to just come out. It couldn't be something I had prepared and practiced. It just had to be me, talking about my buddy and his wife in front of a couple hundred people...

But anyways, let's start from the beginning. The rehersal SUCKED. It didn't suck because it wasn't fun, it sucked because it was the priest's "day off" and we had some stand in there that just said stuff like "uh... this is how it normally goes." Long story short, gametime comes and I have no idea what to do. I'm standing there on the alter with my best friend, his girlfriend/wife, and her maid of honor with no FUCKING CLUE WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT. The priest had to keep telling us "what are you doing? Go here!" or "hey, come back, it's not time for that."

The best one was that Steve, the stand in priest, told me that it was my job to get matches so the mothers could light the "unity candle." He told me when they get called up to just hand them a book of matches. Ceremony starts, they walk up, I reach into my pocket to get the matches, walk over to them and they ghost me... walk up to the unity candles and use their own matches. There I am in front of all these people with my outstretched hand holding two books of matches I grabbed from the hotel and two emotional women ignoring me and walking right past as I stand there like the guy who goes for the high five and gets NOTHING.

Oh, and let's not forget the rings. About a minute before everything starts I get handed two little white boxes and am told "here... these are the rings." OK... what the fuck do I do with these? "I dunno."

So, now I've got rings, matches, and a flask half full of Johnny Walker Red in my pockets and didn't know what to do with any of those but the booze. The priest turns to me and angerly says "the rings???" to which I reply "What rings?" At this point the bride almost passes out. The priest must have thought I didn't hear him so he repeated himself, only this time I think he was doing his best SpaceBalls impression "the RINGS???" "Dude, that little kid brought them up, right? I'm not the damn ring bearer." At that point he throws his arms up and I realize "hey, I'm about to ruin my friend's wedding." and take the rings out and give them to the priest who blesses them while giving me the evil eye.

Later in the ceremony you expect to hear "I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." Well, that wasn't exactly how it went. It was more like "hey, kiss her."

The thing that threw me off was that it wasn't a full ceremony because the groom was not catholic. I guess things get a little jumbled when the priest is giving the short version, but I felt awkward as hell standing there trying to keep up with what was going on when things just didn't seem to make sense.

Don't get the wrong impression though, it was a beautiful ceremony and watching the two of them interact on the alter really took away a lot of my apprehention about the quality of their union. I'm just a perfectionist when it comes to ceremony type stuff and want things to go off as if the USMC had set it up.

So the wedding is over and we're taking pictures. By "we" I mean the families while the groomsmen and myself drank from our flasks and wondered why we couldn't sit down seeing as we weren't in any pictures. Then we took the limo (which was badass by the way... it was a stretched escalade with enough room for 20 grown ass men) to a park and took our wedding party pictures. That was cool because we decided to take pictures on a bridge that is used by EVERYONE at the park and they just kept on coming as we tried to pose for all sorts of pictures. That sounds sarcastic, but what made it cool was that every single person that came by congratulated the newlyweds. It is always nice to see respect for tradition from people who owe you nothing.

After the pictures we went back to the reception hall. This is where the nerves went crazy. I had been losing sleep for a week. I was nervous and jerky all day, but when we hit the reception... holy shit was I a mess. I was ok for a minute or two and then some bald guy in a suit comes up to me and says, "Excuse me, sir, but I need to see your invitation." He picked the wrong guy at the wrong time to start throwing down shit and I snapped. "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" was shouted at him as I made a lunge at him and grabbed him by his shirt... yes... I'm from a 1920s silent film... I was short on options. Then he freaked out... "OH MY GOD... I'M THE DJ IT'S A JOKE PLEASE AHHHHH." I let him go and he goes "you're speech will be after everyone is seated and before dinner. Plan on 20 minutes. Right after the maid of honor... and I'm so sorry." I didn't feel bad for making him soil himself, immediately shoved my face with appetizers, and proceded to drink. Every drink went down slightly faster than the next until I saw the waiters pouring the champagne for the toast... then they barely hit the ice before they were gone. Then it was time.

The chick read her toast... which was nice... but ended with a poem. That was the best thing that could have possibly happened. That gave me an in to just smash her (gently), warm up the crowd, and test the waters.

"I have to appologize for two things. First, I don't have a poem." I held my breath and the split second it took everyone to realize that I was going to be fun and to laugh felt like a year. Then it happened. Laughter.

"Secondly, I was not aware that this was a toast until the rehersal when I was made aware that the 10 minutes of material I had prepared was neither apropriate or warranted for a wedding."

Laughter. I was in and this was going to be good.

The rest of the speech came out just like I had planned... until I got to the point where I got serious. I got to the point where I said "I can't believe I care this much..." and I felt it hit me... Holy shit. Your best friend is married and this is your only chance to get the point across in front of everyone that needs to hear it. This better be good... and then a knot formed in my throat and nothing came out. The silence I heard after I said those words and couldn't say anymore made it even worse. The entire "audience" was in the palm of my hand. I tried to think of something else to say that would slay everyone at that point but the more I tried the more I realized that I was going to be a huge sweaty lumberjack looking motherfucker standing with a drink in one hand and tears in my eyes if I even tried to say anything more... so I just let the silence speak for me, wished him luck, and let the maid do the honors of having everyone raise their glasses.

What I wanted to say was summed up perfectly in Kill Bill on Budd's sword "To my bother Budd, the only man I have ever loved." I love my best friend as a brother. I'd stand by him no matter what. I just hope he knows that and that my speech got that across.

Now he's off to Maui with his wife and will return to his home thousands of miles away on the opposite coast to live his new life. He moved away a couple years ago now and even though I spend time with him over xbox live often, it'll never be the same as stopping by his house on a rainy afternoon, loading up the recovery gear, and finding some trails to thrash with our trucks, or searching our favorite junk yard for just the right part that we'll never figure out how to use, or watching some stupid movie just because the cover was so bad that we had to know what was inside. He plans on coming back to where we grew up, but who knows where I'll be? The wedding was almost a sense of closure for me. I had a chance to put a final chapter on our friendship if that's how fate works out. Sure, we'll see each other when he visits his family or when I'm out in his neck of the woods on business, but the days of offroading because there's nothing else to do or having a few beers while trying to beat video games from decades past are, for all intensive purposes, over. Sure, that's not positive thinking, and as far as i'm concerned, if I ever get married, he'll be my best man (which should put in perspective how awesome our friendship is), but if things work out that we just grow too far apart, this weekend will stand as a closing of the book in the best way I could.

Do I want that to be the case? No fucking way. Is it likely? I don't know. He has an awesome job that loves him to death and the idea of them letting him go without making him an offer he can't refuse is unlikely. The boss at the branch of my company out there wants me out there badly, but I am under contract where I'm at for another year and a half before I can go... believe me... they tried hard to get me transfered, but amazingly, my job loves me too and they didn't want me go anywhere.

So that's the first thing on my mind. Is this the end of an era? But the other is marriage. I have a girlfriend that I love with all my heart. She is amazing. If things work out, who knows, but the closer marriage comes to a reality... and not even necesarily in MY life, but in lives that I am involved with... like my best friend's, the more questions that come up.

As a kid I just wanted to be a young dad. I wanted to be able to play sports with my kids, run around, have fun, and be the athletic guy that I am now in my children's memories. My father was exhausted when I was growing up, but for good reason. He was working around the clock at 3 different jobs to allow us kids to have a mommy home while we were too young to go to school. Then he worked nights and weekends to make ends meet. He still found time to throw the ball around, but I don't think I've ever seen my dad run. It never lessened my love for my father, but to me he seemed old even when I was a kid. It was extremely hard for me to come to grips with the fact that I'm older than my dad was when I was born, but that has since faded. I've been through some hard times and I've come out allright. I'm still struggling to get by, but only because I still have hands held out in my direction that expect me to actually pay them back for things I needed while I was "unhireable." In the very near future bills will be paid off and debt will be gone. At that point I'll be back on track to living a full and happy life free from fear of financial hardship... believe me... with what they're paying me at my job I have no business checking my account before I pay bills... but somehow I figure out a way to be on the edge month after month.

The other concerns I had about marriage were 1. Finding the love of my life and 2. Finding a home. I know... really not an amazing list, but those were really the only two things I considered when I was thinking about what needs to be done to be happy.

Now that I'm watching my friends get married and it's becoming more and more of a reality that this could happen to me one day other things are popping into my head. What do I do when I just want to veg out and be along with some video games or some other stupid shit for an unheardof ammount of time? What happens when I really want to do something and my wife digs her heels in and says "no."? How important is it that my wife enjoys the things I'm into? Is it OK that she just tolerates them or is it important that she takes part? What about debt? We both have debt that we don't see going away any time soon, how do we handle that? Credit... mine blows... does that hurt my chances at marrital bliss? What do you do when you don't agree with the other person on really important things?

The list goes on and on. The more I think, the more stupid questions come up that actually aren't so stupid when you consider going from just you and your two cats in your apartment to having another person who is not only financially involved in your life, but emotionally tied as well. It's not like it's a roommate who you can basically ignore completely, it's a person who's life is now your life. What you do affects them from the time you wake up until the time you wake up again.

The best way I've found to isolate my issues with marriage from my issues with personal space is to consider the differences between a roommate and a wife. That may sound silly, but when you think about it, it's a pretty clear example. Roommates split bills, but a wife splits the bank account. Roommates spend time together sometimes and other times don't, but wives require attention on a regular basis. Roommates have concerns about how you behave and how maintain your living quarters, but wives care about those things far beyond how it affects themselves, they care about how it affects you and what that means towards your future together.

bla bla bla.

It's not just the changes in your life, it's the finality that it brings. If you decide you want to marry someone who wants kids and you decide 5 years from now that it's just not going to happen then you're in for a divorce or a very unhappy life (or both). If you decide you want to enjoy your money instead of socking it away and she wants to save every penny... once you make that choice that for the rest of your life you are going to be bound to another living person who may or may not have similar goals you're in for the long haul.

That brings me to something the priest said that really changed the way I think about marriage. He said "Love brought you together, but marriage is the choice that you are making that says you are going to love this person forever." What this man of the cloth was saying is that love is what brings you together, but the feeling of naturaly occuring love has NOTHING to do with the rest of your life. If you have it, great. If you don't, then you have to remember that marriage is CHOOSING to love someone forever. It's an active choice and a decision, NOT a feeling. If you maintain your natural love for the rest of your life, great. If not, you've chosen to love this person and now it's like a tattoo. You got "mother" written on that banner over a heart and it's not going away so you have to live with it... so don't get that stupid tat if you aren't ready to show it off forever no matter how faded and stretched it gets.

I wanted to talk about all these things, so I started asking these questions to my chick. My thing was that all I know about my parents starts after i was born. I don't even know how they met let along what brought them to decide that they were going to get married and why it's worked out that they are still together going on 30 years later. My chick had a stroke of genious when she said, "why don't you just ask them?"

I called my parents. They weren't in so I left a message about something unrelated and went to bed. About an hour later I get a call from my mom. I start asking her questions and believe it or not... she had awesome answers. I felt like a 7 year old all over again. It was like laying in the grass and asking my dad why the sky was blue or what makes a car move. It was my mom and I talking. Me asking questions. My mother giving answers. And her answers came from the loving perspective of a mother looking out for her child. I haven't felt that warm and fuzzy about my family or my life in years. It was like she was kissing away the pain of a scraped knee. Every question came and was answered in such a simple and rational way. It was so easy. I just wanted to hug my mom and cry. Not because she solved any problems but because she was real to me. She wasn't just the woman who drove me to football practice anymore. She wasn't making dinner or doing my laundry. She was a human being who loved me and cares about me. I saw my mom as a woman who fell in love with a man. She was one half of a flawed but beautifully perfect relationship that made way for my life. I felt like I've never felt about my mom and dad. For the first time in my life they were people just like me with problems just like me who delt with them just like I can deal with them.

I had to send my mom an email to tell her how much it meant to me because I know that if I tried to tell her on the phone that she would shrug it off and be humble about it all.

Anyway, nobody is reading this for two reasons. 1. It's too long. and 2. I haven't posted anything forever... so goodbye.

PS. My mom and dad met at a bar

Masterbait and Liquor (continued)

2006-08-18T17:20:00.000-04:00

I didn't realize the owners of that store would ever find their way here, but they did and it's only fair after reading his very nice comment that I repost the link to the original site and his comment here:

link to the original post and image: http://anotherwasteoftime.blogspot.com/2005/05/masterbait-and-liquor.html

MasterBait and Liquor said...
Forgive me for being a money grubbing capitalist but we do have to pay the bills as we are out in the middle of nowhere. MasterBait and Liquor is located in Elsmore, KS. We have cool t shirts, koozies and shot glasses with the mermaid logo and words: Liquor in the front Masterbait in the back. Email us at masterbaitandliquor@hotmail.com or call us at 620 754 3688 Thanks for your support!!!

I believe the site is www.masterbaitandliquor.biz, but I could be wrong.

I have no affiliation with this store, but anyone trying to make a buck with something I find cool is a friend in my book.

BUY HIS SHIT!

PS. I will check out the store when I'm back working.

Next to the last straw

2006-08-15T18:23:00.000-04:00

Growing up I wanted to join the Army. In college I wanted to go OCS. The fact that I was listed in the draft reports for the 2003 NFL draft stopped me from cutting the weight I needed to cut to join the marine OCS program.

Well, after I chose to persue a career in football... twice... I decided I needed to settle down. The reason I settled down went away and I was left in a shitty career with no hope of sucess.

I was fired.

8 months later I'm still here. No job. No money. No chances. No choices. No future.

I've applied to everything from day laborer to hedge funds and been laughed at by them all.

"You're not serious about wanting to work here. You're a college guy. Why the hell would we hire you full time as a construction worker? Apply for foreman jobs and stop wasting my time."

"You're not serious about applying for a foreman job. You have no industry experience. Why not stay in finance?"

"You're not serious about applying to this hedge fund, are you? You don't even have a finance degree."

"You're not serious about applying for a sales assistant job, you're a salesman. You won't be happy here."

"You're not serious about wanting to answer phones for a living. You were a financial consultant for christ's sake."

YOU KNOW WHAT, MOTHER FUCKERS? I AM DEAD SERIOUS. I'VE NEVER BEEN SO SERIOUS ABOUT ANYTHING IN MY LIFE. I NEED A MOTHER FUCKING JOB AND STOP THINKING YOU KNOW BETTER THAN I DO WHAT I WANT!

I'm sick of it. My life up to this point has taken one wrong turn after another. I have no idea how people read my resume or what they think when they meet me, but whatever it is that's stopping them from hiring me, they need to just spit it out so I can evaluate what the fuck I'm doing wrong and fix it.

Actually, no. Nevermind. Don't tell me shit. Keep saying "it's not a good fit" just like every other suit wearing CUNT in the business world who has no balls and resorts to dropping buzz words like they are the fucking gospel.

I have one interview left. I'm going on one more. It's the last one I'm going to. I have an interview with a company in two days. There is nothing they can say or ask that I don't have real world experience to back up with well documented records of sucess. It's an industry I know well, that is looking for people "like me" and is right in my neck of the woods. I will dance like a monkey for them and they will clap and hire me after giving the organ grinder a few cents.

What if they don't?

Well, I filled out my online application for the US Army tonight. I expect to be contacted by an Army recruiter by the end of the week. If they will train me to be a mechanic, then I will enlist. I've always wanted to be a mechanic, and times have never been so bad. It's time to stand up for what I believe in... nah.. it's not... it's time to find a job that really wants guys like me... big powerful athletic stupid follwers who will do whatever they are told and believe in honor, justice, and the american way of life. People who voted for Bush TWICE and are proud of our commander and chief to this day.

I went out with my best friend's father today to see what he does for a living so I could get a better picture of what I'd be doing if I became a salesman with him. I love it. That's exactly why it's not going to work out. It's a great career with a man who's right up their with my father and my coaches when it comes to my respect. I'd get to learn from and hang out with him on a daily basis and hopefully make a shit load of money. The problem is everything is a numbers game. He makes a great living, but it could be one big job a year... 2 jobs... 6 jobs... who knows. It's not a 60 ticket a year gig, so it could take too long for me to get going before I'm punted from my apartment and forced to give up any shot at a social life so I can live back with my parents.

I won't let that happen.

I am going to one more interview. If that doesn't work out... which I can almost guarantee will happen... it's too good a job for someone with my curse. I simply can't wrap my head around how awesome it would be to work for them, and that is the single biggest reason why I won't get it. Trust me... I've been doing this longer and with more companies than any "professional" you know. I know what I will not get... and that's anything that interests me or pays enough to cover the tiny bills I have.

Well, maybe I should explain the next to last straw... a job that I was perfect for and had a wonderful intrerview with, declined my application. This has happened way too many times for me to just brush it off. I have great interviews and then get a call the next day that "I'm not a good fit."

That was my next to last rejection. I have a job with a package delivery company that I will do part time (because they can't hire me full time due to a family member who works there) and send every cent I get to my land lord. I will live on zero dollars a month beyond that rent check. I will let my phone, internet, and electricity get cut off. Everything else doesn't matter. I will hustle like I've never hustled before with my friend's father's company and I will make it work. If it doesn't, then HELOOOOOOO ARMED FORCES!

The Fly

2006-08-11T17:23:00.000-04:00

Today, I got to see something new. I found it 100% amazing to be more specific. I opened the door to my balcony and the window in my bedroom to air this dump out because it's actually not too hot outside and the humidity is low. I opened the screen door as well because my cats have destroyed it to the point where they can just walk through it anyway, so I figured what could happen?

Well, Virgil walked out on the balcony and was just laying around when all of a sudden he hops up and runs into the apartment as hard as he can run, jumps up over the couch and then goes flying down the hall. I had no idea what he was doing so I followed him.

When I caught up he was in the bathroom with his ears back, crouched low, and eyes wide. He was just sitting there looking at the tank over the toilet. All of a sudden I see a fly take off and go back down the hall... with Virgil hot on his trail.

Would you believe he got it? It was exciting and awesome to watch. He was hunting that thing, jumping in the air and trying to catch it with both paws, and following it everywhere it went like it had a neon sign over it's head. I could barely even see it, but Virgil was on it like crazy.

A few minutes later Wyatt comes out of my bedroom to see what all the commotion is about. Now the two of them are watching a second fly that's way up on the door. Wyatt gets a bead on him and pounces, catching him easily, but he gets away when he picks up his paw to see if he got him. The fly goes into my bedroom with two cats chasing him and tries to get out the window. He slips between the screen and the sliding glass window and is where they can't reach him.

Virgil looks back at me and starts crying. It was like a little kid who's ball got stuck on the roof. "GET IT! THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

Well, it did come back out and Virgil got him for good.

The third one got away through a hole in the screen and caused Virgil to start crying again. This time he just laid down by the hole and waited for him to come back.

I learned a few things:

1. Cats are unbelievable hunters.
2. Cats really ENJOY hunting and killing. It's like a game to them.
3. Cats can see very well and track motion extremely well.
4. Even though my building's dumpster is not far from my window, I don't have to worry about flies.

It's not that I didn't know these things before, but seeing them first hand for the first time was awesome. I'm not about to pray for mice, but if I did have mice, I know I wouldn't have to worry about them long.

ZOMG POLITICS!

2006-08-08T03:37:00.000-04:00

OK, here's a quick lesson for you pussies out there that don't understand the way the world works.

If you want something from someone and have the means to do so, you bully them. That is, if you believe that you are superior in any way (stronger, cooler, smarter, whatever).

If you give a bully what he wants, he knows to come back and ask for more the next time.

If you stand up to said bully and punch him in his fucking mouth and feed him his teeth he won't come around asking for your lunch money anymore. Of course, he could start shit with you again, but if you pound him a second time, a third beating probably will not be necessary.

In fact, the second beating should be viscious. I'm talking broken ribs and shattered eye sockets. When you fight back and they don't take you seriously, like if you cold cocked a bully who wasn't expecting it and he blames his "loss" on you sucker punching him, then the second beating has to be definative.

What these fucking anti Israel pieces of shit have been doing ever since Israel was established (don't go into who's land it really is... I could care less... I'm thinking of what it would be like if I was in Israel just trying to live a normal life with my family and having nutjobs blowing themselves up all over) was the old "I'm going to stick it in her ass tonight" routine. They push a little, see how Israel reacts. Maybe Israel didn't seem to like it, well, try again, only this time push a little harder. Until Israel turns around and slaps these terrorists, they will keep trying for the ass.

I'm 100% for the Israeli army steamrolling these pieces of garbage wherever they are. I wouldn't bat an eye if the good ol US of A stepped in and started throwing punches either. It's about time people stood up to bullies. The Muslims you hear about (read that carefully) are the bullies of the modern world. I don't care what you say about the US or Bush or anything. They are the bully... they think they are superior to every non muslim out there and, if allowed, are going to flatten Israel, and eventually keep going west and east and north and everywhere picking on people that don't believe in what they believe and if there isn't a showdown soon... well... I'm telling you right now... we didn't stand for Hitler, and it makes me sick that people don't see the same atrocities on the verge of becoming reality in the middle east.

I hate politics.

Anyways, war is good. It's a dirty horrible thing that ruins lives and causes more stress than you can possibly imagine on everyone involved. But you know what? When you fucking kick someone's teeth in for getting out of line and all of a sudden the world isn't such a scary place... that's a good thing. If this was 1940 and we were going through the same things we've been going through since 9/11 we would have started up the mother fucking draft, sent over a few million troops, shit stomped these assholes back into the stone age, and stayed until they were beaten and bloody enough to realize they were defeated. At that point we could stop the generational cycle of hatred and there wouldn't be any more babies growing up to be suicide bombers. That's all those people know. They carry AKs in the streets like they are hand bags. Did anyone really think that we'd have a few news clips of precision bombing runs and they would all turn swords to plowshares? This is a war that will go on a long time. I believe we're doing a good job, but I'd love to see us send every fucking military age man over there with an m16 and sqaure their asses away for good.

Fuck the middle east... I'm tired of their shit. I don't want to have to raise kids in a world where every other day some whacko is talking about a child in a well that told him to nuke some other people who call God by a different name because they don't agree on when to pray. It's just silliness. I'm actually looking forward to dieing so I can sit there and laugh as people of all religions come to realize that we're all wrong. That all of us have soemthings right and somethings wrong, but that none of us are perfect. Think of a 2000 year game of telephone. You know someone made a typo here and there. I'm not saying that I don't believe in the Roman Catholic God who watched me grow up, I'm just saying that I'm sure God is sitting there looking at us going "Dudes... you know... if you guys could just take the good stuff from every religion and realize that's where you're right and all this hate and death is just some jerk who put that in because he caught his wife banging some moor... you guys would rock if you could just get along."

I feel towards the middle east the same way I felt towards the guys who used to bust my balls growing up. Enough's enough. When I get my chance I'm going to knock his teeth out. I hope other countries step up to the plate and start steam rolling that whole fucking region. If they don't know, then they will. But, of course, it will be a ton more death, a lot of babies and women and innocent people going about their lives forced to die horrible deaths. Why can't they just call a spade a spade and start throwing punches?

OK, don't expect any more politics for a long time. I'm just sick of the idiots who complain about this "unwinable war" and then talk about reducing troop numbers and how we don't belong there in the first place bla bla bla. If any one of them could say they'd feel safer if everything was left alone then they would if the entire desert was turned to glass then I'll gladly delete this post and appologize, in video, wearing a dress. Saying anything but you'd feel safer without the middle east even existing is a lie.

RIP Frank

2006-08-03T19:09:00.000-04:00

Dude, I'm going to miss you. One of the constant joys in my life ever since you became a part of it was to just sit and watch you swim around with Mao for hours on end. We went to college together. You were named by someone who was very important to me. We coached out in PA. We came back home to follow our dreams. No matter what I was doing, you and Mao were there for me. I didn't know how to say goodbye. In fact, I didn't even know how to deal with how sick you were. I tried everything in my power but what was killing you was outside of my controll. I'm sorry. I wish I could have done more. I did all the research I could, talked to all the right people, used all the right medicines in just the right ammounts. I know that you know I tried, but I still watched you fade away over the past few months.

I can't give you a burial. I don't live someplace where I can go out with a shovel and put you in the ground. I made this movie for you, Frank. It's the only way I knew how to say goodbye.

Click here to watch "Goodbye-Frank"

American History X

2006-07-26T15:07:00.000-04:00

If you haven't seen American History X... see it. But if you don't want to hear spoilers, don't read.

I saw this movie soon after I got my driver's license and it was one of the most amazing and frigtening movies I'd ever seen. I have been talking about wanting to see it for about a month, so finally last night I aquired a copy of the DVD and gave it a watch. I know this movie has been out for a billion years and everyone and their mother has seen it, talked about it, etc, but I was impressed and dissapointed at the same time seeing it again.

First off, the good parts that STAYED good for me. I enjoyed the subject matter. I loved the character of Derek (Ed Norton). Derek Vinyard is the leader of a skinhead movement called DOC. I loved his acting, but only as adult Derek... I'll get to that. Derek wasn't made a hateful son of a bitch without having the intelligence and charisma that made him a born leader and an interesting character to watch. He's athletic, proud, cares about his family, well spoken, physically intimidating, and covered in tattoos of HATE. He's focused on what he believes in and does not waver... well... until he realizes he's the only one... again, I'll get back to this.

I loved how his little brother Danny carried himself throughout the film. It was a very real look and feel to a character we have all known at one point in our lives. He's the skinny punk kid smoking in the bathroom who isn't afraid of anyone and has an air of being a tough guy even though 99% of the people around him could pound him into a pulp. You don't fuck with him because you know the people he runs with. When you get to know him he's confident, but has a touch of confusion. Perfectly played from the first scene to the last. I've never seen a child who was traumatized and took on a belief system to cope with what he's seen played better than Danny in AMX.

The other family members really can be lumped together. The father is a racist fireman who's murdered putting out a fire at a drug dealer's house when Derek is a teenager. The mother is an open minded person who doesn't care about race or religion. She only cares about her family. She's sick with something... probably cancer. The younger sister is an outspoken liberal who gets straight As and wants to go to college. She's the exact opposite of Derek when it comes to her politcal beliefs. Of course, you have to throw in the baby sister who's only in the movie to make the brothers look loving. She brings nothing else to the movie. There really isn't anything else to say about the family but what role they play because they are all very one dimentional and if you understand where they are coming from, you know what they do.

Well, As I'm sure you know, the movie starts out with Derek knocking the bottom out of his skinhead girlfriend in bed and danny waking up to a couple black dudes breaking into Derek's truck (a gift from his murdered father). He alerts Derek who shoots them both and curb stomps the one that didn't die instantly. The cops show up, he does nothing to resist, smiles at Danny, who sees the whole thing, and gets locked up for 3 and a half years.

The way this movie works is everything that's a flashback is in black and white... the current stuff is color. The whole first scene is a flashback and the current events start with a jewish teacher going to Danny's black principal about a paper danny wrote about Mein Kampf. This scene is amazing when you understand the context, but even though I was paying SUPER close attention to the movie and had seen it before, I didn't realize it until I went back and watched the scene a second time in a row. The principal says "I can guarantee you his brother did not put him up to this." That's because he visited him in prison after he changed, but you don't realize that unless you can recall it 2 hours later. It's unfortunate because the principal is really a cool character if you realize where he's coming from early in the film.

They also don't make it clear that the first "color day" (present time) is the day Derek is getting out of prison. It makes the next scene of the Principal talking to a committe on skinheads seem out of place until... again... you watch it a second time. The only reason I skimmed through the film again was to try to understand why some pieces really seemed to be building to something and not go anywhere. The committee being one of them. The whole reason that scene is in the movie is to explain why they believe Derek went down the skinhead path. He is interviewed by a reporter who is PERFECTLY COMFORTABLE discussing the race inplications of a fireman being murdered. If you watch that news clip and you feel it's believable, turn on the evening news. If that reporter really existed, I'd watch the news every single night. Derek gives him a little, and he follows up with a hard hitting question that Derek answers with more fuel which builds the fire higher until they are having a discussion about social problems facing California when the original story was talking to a boy who's father was killed. IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN. He would freak out and kick it back to the studio.

Most of the interesting parts of this story and ALL of Derek's skinhead days are shown through flashbacks. The skinhead stuff is told by Danny, the prison stuff by Derek. Danny witnesses a white kid being beat up by black dudes in the school bathroom and goes into a few different stories about how when Derek was around, they weren't afraid of minorities because he helped them stand up against them.

When Derek comes home, he's no longer a racist and doesn't want his brother involved with the skin heads. He tells Danny about his experience in prison and why he changed his mind (which he really doesn't make very clear. To me, you can almost discount a conversation he had and write it off as someone who was hurt by people and turned on them if you aren't going to let the film get away with simple answers). Derek and Danny go home and there is a scene of them taking down all the nazi posters and flags and throwing them away.

The "central driving plot piece" in this film is the paper Danny has to write that night. The principal makes him write a paper about his brother. By the end of the night (the whole movie takes place in about 24 hours) he has finished the paper and the movie concludes with his voice over reading the final paragraph about peace and getting along with people... that is after he's shot by the same black dudes we met beating up a white guy in the beginning of the movie.

Now that I've pretty much told the story, here's my take on what happened:

This movie is amazing writting coupled with really awful lazy writting. Derek was made into a full and amazing character from the very beginning. The problem? He was made that way. He learned to be the way he is from others, but what does the writter decide is the best way to show that? Is it a string of events over time that slowly turned him into what he is today? Is there a build up to where he turns? Nope. We get perfect scenes. When something has to be told about the past there is a 5 minute clip of the perfect situation to illustrate the problem. For instance, when Danny is writting/talking about where it started he mentions that it wasn't his father's death, it was his father's life. Derek is a teen sitting at the dinner table talking about a book about black history that his black teacher is having him read and how much he enjoys it. His father makes some argument about "black literature replacing the traditional great literature he WOULD have read if the black teacher wasn't there." The conversation goes downhill about as fast as one can go. Mr. Vinyard goes from "what about the other books you would have read?" to "Don't trust niggers." in about 30 seconds. Derek is like "I'll keep my eye out" and buys right into his shit without even arguing.

The problem with that scene is that a few minutes before we had another scene at that table showing how well spoken, deeply opinionated, and intelligent he is. He gets in an argument with his mom's new jewish boyfriend about the Rodney King incident and is amazingly eliquent. Great points are being thrown out on both sides and by everyone involved. He doesn't show even an ounce of giving in. He is not threatened by points that make sense for the other side. He has answers for everything. I've never seen someone debate anything that powerfully. But that's the same guy, sitting in the same chair, at the same table as the teen that takes everything at face value and begins to hate everyone but whites because his father says "Don't trust em."

I was actually uncomfortable. I was embarassed that such a great movie took such a cheap and meaningless way out of a situation that could have been handled in a million different ways. Why a discussion with dad? Why make it so simple? Why not make it action instead of words.... especially with someone who is so unbelievably persuasive throughout the film? I wanted to look at the writer and just shake my head and go "how could you? I'm ashamed of you."

Then we see Derek in prison. The first scene of him walking out of his cell and looking both ways down the line to only see black inmates and wondering if he's even going to make it through the day was amazing. Then we meet the goofy black guy who turns him around. He's paired up with a black dude who's yappy and silly in his laundry job. The goofy black guy finally gets him to laugh and the next scene they are talking about the lakers vs celtics. WTF? You didn't think there was a way to make him learn the problems with his perception without throwing in a fucking clown black dude who he bonds with? This is going on as he's learning that the skinheads in prison get along with the mexicans and that they don't believe in things as clear cut as he does. What a fucking idea! What a powerful revelation. What an amazing piece of writting... but he had no clue how to make him turn but to have some corn ball make him laugh over a pile of laundry? Come on now.

Then comes my biggest problem with the movie. Derek gets raped in the shower by the skinheads after he befriends the black dude. I still think the huge white guy that bangs him is Meat from Porky's, but I can't find him on IMDB. Anyways, he's in the medical ward after receiving 6 stitches to his ass and the black principal shows up. He sits down next to him and Derek puts his head down and starts crying. He asks the principal for help. And then the change happens. The single line that makes Derek realize that his life of hate and destruction has been a waste of time? What do you think it was? Here goes, folks... get ready to have your socks knocked off... "Has anything you've done made your life better?" To which Derek shakes his head.

THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!1111111 OMG I never thought about that. I have been killing people and terrorizing minorities for my whole life but never thought about that point!

Bullshit. The Derek we met for the past hour would have had something to say in return. He would have talked about scaring off the korean convenience store owner who hired illegals instead of the white friends of his who were fired because he could pay them less. He would have talked about being able to walk around the streets without fear because he formed an alliance of like minded individuals who protect each other. He would have talked about a lot of things... but does he? Is there a time when the two most powerfully intelligent characters in the movie get to exchange blows and bring about the most amazing dialogue ever written? Nope.

That scene, to me, felt like two undefeated teams playing in the superbowl and one team going up by 100 in the first quarter. These two characters... Danny and the Principal are both AMAZING but they settle everything over one stupid fucking retorical question?

Very dissapointing.

Now for the big old loose end. In one of the last scenes the principal and a cop show up to talk to Derek. Allegidly, somehow, through a mob of violently loyal followers, Seth and the leader of the DOC Cam, had their asses severly kicked and were in the hospital. The cops wanted Derek to talk to the skinheads to try to stop them from retaliating. Derek agrees, but wants to drop Danny off at school first. Of course, Danny gets killed by a young gang banger, and the movie ends with him holding Danny's dead body in his arms in the bathroom. So what does Derek choose? Does he go and talk to the skinheads and try to bring peace? Does he use his brother's death and his acceptance of the fact that his hate brought about his death to bring credibility to his words? Does he realize that this personifies everything he was fighting for and go back to being the leader of the skinheads?

WHO KNOWS? They don't wrap this up. I guess you're supposed to believe he's cool with his death, blames himself, and moves on. Only problem with that is that he made an agreement that he'd stay in town and work for peace if the principal would speak on his behalf to the parole board, so he's not going anywhere.

Acording to IMDB: "The script's conclusion had Derek shaving his head in the bathroom of the school, transforming back into a naziskin after the death of his brother. However, this was never filmed and dropped from subsequent re-writes of the screenplay."

Well, there's a plot twist for you. There's an interesting way to end the movie and tie up the loose ends. There's something to think about. The circle of violence lives on. It makes you think about society. When the darkest of hearts changes only to be swept back into it by the violence he was no longer interested in, what can be the solution? It's thought provoking and powerful. What if he had went to the skinheads and told his story? What if he had been killed by skinheads? What if they agreed and followed him? What if they looked elsewhere for leadership? What could have been? Christ... I wanted more out of this movie. I think that the director basically read the book, took the parts he thought were the best for a movie, filmed them, and then filled in the gaps with SHIT.

The film was not nominated for Best Film. When you watch it young, you can't figure out why not, but as an adult, you see the big gaping holes in the story and have to feel cheated. Though I love this movie, it needed a whole extra hour to work with. It's unfortunate that money drives everything. If they could have sold a 3 hour movie about nazi youth and actually filled out the plot I can basically guarantee that this would have won best picture... oh, if it weren't for one more thing...

Ed Norton is the WORST crier EVER. The only time it is believable is when you can't see his face. When he's supposed to be decimated by his father's death I just dont' buy it. He looks like he's trying to hard and his acting STINKS as a kid. Even when he's trying to agree with his father. It's like he actually IS Derek Vinyard the adult and he's trying to act like Derek Vinyard the child but doesn't know how to be weak and impressionable. That sounds like what you actually want, but he is supposed to be a hardass racist because events in his life turned him from a good boy to a violent maniac. You shouldn't see an actor trying that hard EVER. If it doesn't look natural, it just doesn't work. These were other moments when I felt uncomfortable for the director/writter/whoever was in charge. Just get a teen that looks like Ed Norton and let HIM be a teen. Don't settle for him doing it himself when he obviously blows at it.

Again, I love this movie. I think it's really fun to watch is amazingly written at times, and really makes you think. I couldnt' wait to come on here and post after seeing it, but that was because I wanted to hash out the holes, not discuss the content.

Finding Meaning

2006-07-13T21:13:00.000-04:00

Ever since football went away and the girl I decided to focus my efforts around left me I've been struggling with the question "Why?" Why should I care about my job? Why should I care about where I'm going? Why am I here?

It's been a long road to a new career. I've been interviewing EVERYWHERE and have not found anything that made me really pumped to get started...

until today

Before I get to my mini revelation, I have to mention that wednesday was awful. I went to my dream job interview and was bait and switched. I had a 10 minute conversation, was told I wasn't qualified, and was offered a really shitty job. No dice. The young lady I met made me smile, so all was not lost, but that was a crushing blow.

Today I got a call from my grandmother "call J. He can help you out." I called J, and what he was helping me out with was a job with the fire department. I wasn't really excited about it at first because I was still frustrated from wednesday, but after speaking with J a bit he told me to check out their drill session tonight at a local school. I went over, met with the volunteer fire chief, and he said he'd love to have me on his team. I watched them set up the hoses, ready the engine and truck, and go through some practice with an older volunteer who talked to me about what it was like to be a fire fighter for about an hour. He kept using words like "team" "family" "unit" and a lot of words I was used to hearing. They count on each other and expect the man next to them to be going 100% all the time. They deal with life and death shit and everyone has to be in peak physical and mental shape to handle everything they need to handle.

That's what I want to be. I want to be a part of a team working towards soemthing bigger than my bank account. I want to help people and be a part of the community beyond a taxpayer. I want to make a difference and do good in this world.

I used to be a part of a team working towards a greater good. I used to be a thankless work horse with nothing to show for my work and I loved it. It felt great to be a cog in the machine. I had purpose, meaning, drive, love, and determination. Now, I can't even get out of bed to get to an interview because I have no excitement about the position AT ALL.

As a volunteer I won't be getting paid, but J feels that this is the single best way to get in and they are going to be hiring again real soon, so if I can get the bartending thing going, I'll be fine until I'm a career fire fighter. J says it will be sooner than later if everything goes well, but I won't know the details until sunday.

Tomorrow is a new day with a new focus and a fresh outlook on life. I'm excited for the first time in years. I have a girl that I want to spend time with, and a focus towards a career that will mean something to me.

Tomorrow starts my running regimine. I can't lift without paying gym fees, but I sure as hell can run. You know what? I'm excited about running. I want to get myself in shape because I want to show the fire chief that I can run a mile, smash down a wall and be alert and sharp in 300 degree heat because I used to be like that, and I will be again.

Cousin fil is actually stopping by, so I'll say more later, or I won't and you'll like it. Goodbye

lolercoaster

2006-07-10T19:41:00.000-04:00

Every day my direction changes. I get good news here, bad news there, and things change.

I basically forgot to sign up for the praxis, so I'll be waiting until I think... september if I want to make that test. Not real excited about working towards a teaching cert. I was hoping that it would be much easier, but I guess the world has plenty of teachers.

Have had great news on the relationship side of my life. Let's hope things keep working out.

I also have one hell of an interview on Wednesday. I'm nervous because it's the only job I've been contacted about that really excites me. It pays a lot, has a great commission structure (on top of the pay), and has great hours (9 to 5). I was going to avoid sales at all costs, but this is something very unique.

I'll get more into that later.

I am worried about my cats. Dropped them off at the vet to get "fixed" tonight. They will be done tomorrow morning and then observed until wednesday night. This is the first time I've dropped them off with strangers. I also have this nightmare where they give them a shot to put them out for the surgery and they make a mistake and put them to sleep. I'm sure they'll be fine, but it makes me nervous none the less.

I was cooking when I started posting, just ate about 7lbs of food, and now I have lost motivation, so goodbye

Energy Saved!

2006-07-04T19:09:00.000-04:00

I figured out a pretty solid way to save electricity over the past few months. What was bothering me was that my fridge was running non stop. I'm talking running to the point where it sounds like it's straining to keep going. It's a brand new fridge with "energy saver" written all over it, but it just would not stop running.

I tried turning the temp up to see if that would stop it... no dice. I turned it up and up and up until the motor clicked off, but then it wasn't keeping the food very cool at all. I had a gallon of milk go bad on me in about 3 days when I finally got the fridge to stop running non stop, so that idea went out the window.

I sat down and really thought about WHY it would run non stop. I have been broke forever, so if there's a handful of stuff in there, that's a lot.

I was thinking out loud and I said, "you know, maybe if I put some ice in here to help this stupid piece of shit cool down then it would stop running." Then I realized that air transers heat faster than liquids or solids and that just opening a fridge that consists of a box of cold air would dump all the coldness out and it would have to start over again.

The solution.

What I've been doing is saving my gallon milk jugs, filling them with water, and putting them back in the fridge. With 4 gallons of water in the fridge my electric bill went from $80 to $19 with a $15 monthly surcharge included in both numbers. I was seriously sitting in the dark and taking cold showers for months because I was trying hard to bring that number down. As it turned out, it was just an asshole fridge.

Over the next few months I was using other things to see what affect they had on my bill. Running my PC nonstop all month really had no affect, the dishwasher wasn't a huge affect, running a fan did nothing, watching TV did nothing. What I mean by nothing is that I'm keeping my bill around $20 a month reguardless of what I do just because the stupid fridge is full of water.

Of course it's summer now, so the AC has been on non stop... so goodbye savings, but at least I'm not wasting $$$

Time goes by

2006-07-04T18:09:00.000-04:00

Howdy, it's been a while. OK, I have no idea where to start, so I'm going to start with a little info on where I've been, move on to some tricks I've learned, and then give a heads up on what I'm doing.

I have this thing I do. It's a type of defensive reflex when things aren't going as well as I expected. I just stop existing for a while. I don't answer the phone, I don't reply to emails, I don't go on AIM, I just don't do anything but focus on what needs to be fixed until it's done. Now, normally that's just a day or so. If I'm feeling sick, I'll just lay around until I feel better. This time it was because I lost one job, quit another, and have been on unemployment for several months. I figured that I'd be back on my feet and making some money much faster than I have, so I thought going into hiding for a week or two wouldn't be that big a deal... that was in February. It's the 4th of July and I'm still semi hiding. I have been on 70 to 80 interviews since I left NMFN. Unfortunately, they have been for jobs I either did not want or ended up "not being a good fit" for.

To clarify that last point, the jobs I've been offered ranged from 10 to 15 thousand dollars a year and all of them have required a significant ammount of cold calling. On top of that, these jobs have been in lousy locations, in shaky industries, have been traditionally high turnover, and low chance for growth.

I'm looking for something. I think I know what it is, but I don't know where to find it. I'd like a job where I am a representative for the company who goes out and meets with clients and is a go-between for the labor and management of my company and the management of the client. It's basically a project manager position, but I don't have a pile of qualifications to work with.

Outside of that magical job where I'd get to work with people, solve problems, travel a bit, and have responsibilities that do not include bringing in new clients, I know I'd be good in a research oriented position of sorts. I'd love to be able to go and be someone who goes deep into the numbers and comes out with everything someone else needs to know. I do that now anyways with all the shit I enjoy doing. If it's EQ I am reading everything I can about new encounters, new mobs, new skills, parsing fights, giving out detailed information to people so they can self evaluate and improve. If it's my cats, I'm going to message boards and vet web sites to read and understand everything I can about their behavior and needs. If it's my old life at AGE I was calling up wholesalers and asking them about the details of their product and having them run hypos about how it would fit into a current allocation, fund cost analysis, projections for just about everything that could happen, etc. I love doing that kind of stuff. I love giving people information and letting them make their own decisions. I also like supporting teams of people who need someone to be the goto guy for information.

I like to think I'm creative, but I don't know how I'd even use that.

So, the bottom line is, I'm still unemployed, and I realize it's just going to take some time for me to get my ass squared away. Being unemployed now that I live on my own means a hell of a lot more than it did when I was living at home. I have bills to pay... LOTS of them. I don't get enough from unemployment to even cover them all at once. I have to miss one this month, and then pay this month's past due ballance next month. That kind of crap. Speaking of, I need to pay my cell phone bill this week or they are going to turn off my service! Yay! What it means beyond having bills to pay is that there are not a lot of things you can do that are free. I enjoy hanging out with my friends, but if they are driving down to the shore to see a concert or hitting the bars, or doing any number of things that I used to love to do... I simply can't go. I don't have any available funds to play with. If I go to the bar and spend $20 then that's $20 less I have for food, gas to get to interviews, bills that will get paid, cat food/kitty litter, and basically anything outside of air that I need to survive.

I have never cared if people know how much I make, so here's a brief description of bills and checks that I've had over the past 2 years:

AG Edwards negotiated salary: $43,000
AG Edwards actual money paid (1 year): $20,000
Unemployment: $1,200 a month
Rent: $1,000
TV/Phone/internet: $100
Cell phone: $50
Car payment: $215
Cats: $70
Food: $50
Gas: $70 (I only fill up once every other month or so and try to walk to whatever I need)
Electricity (aka heat/ac/stove/dishwasher/lights): $50
Furnature: $100

So you see, I've been on the edge of my seat wondering what's going to happen next for the past 4 months. I've been sitting here sending appologies to my land lord, fighting with indian telephone opperators from 3 companies, and watching my rate on my car loan go through the roof due to late payments. Goodbye spotless credit. I had the most amazing credit rating ever up until I started at AGE. Now, I have no clue. I don't even want to know.

So, instead of trying to be social and keeping my spirits up, I sit around here watching TV, reading, playing video games, and seaching all the internets for job postings, openings in my area, jobs in states where I have friends, and sleeping.

What's odd is that the feelings of anxiety and frustration are basically gone. I have been rolling with the punches and just trying to figure out a way to not get evicted. I got a call this weekend from my buddy AJ. I missed it, but I knew exactly what it was about. Every single year since we could drive he's had a party on the 4th of July weekend. I have made a fool of myself, become super drunk, had great times, and shitty times, but they were all with the friends of mine who've stuck with me the longest. People who I look up to for their ability to survive this whacky post educational world and keep their priorities right where they belong. While I'm sitting here with a BS in business from a prestigious private university unemployed and broke, some of them didn't even go to college and they are home owners and having the time of their lives. They work harder than I do. They work longer than I work. They are better employees. Some are following dreams, others are doing what they have to, but they are all still the same people I've always known them to be. I respect that more now than I ever have. When I was sitting in an office with a suit on, my face freshly shaven, and a respectable haircut I felt like a phony while they were on their street bikes and riding their hotrods around town.

In a nutshell, I really look up to these guys.

So, I was also dealing with the best friend moving to California thing. His father throws a BBQ every 4th as well, and they were on the same day. I went over to my buddy's place to spend the day with him and his family and wasn't going to even go over AJ's because I was basically a little intimidated to be seeing my friends while my life was busted up into little pieces, but I just took a deep breath and called AJ back, told him I'd be there, and went.

I didn't get over AJ's until late because Brad's father puts on a fireworks show that dwarfs the firework shows in most towns. When I got there, everyone was happy to see me, and that feels great. I had an awesome time. I simply cannot miss that party, so even if shit sucks for me, I will be there. It's become tradition.

Saturday was a great day for me. I met a man who works for a great local company... a HUGE company... I'm talking M A S S I V E... who was really cool, an old coworker of Brad's and who told me to send him my resume so he could see what he could do. I figured I'd never happen, but I got home and there was the email from him asking me to reply with my resume. I did so, and now I have another in with a "not small" company.

At AJ's I learned a Mutual Friend of ours works for a staffing firm. I am calling them tomorrow to set up an interview. On top of THAT, AJ has multiple connections in construction, so even if it's real hard work, I should have something soon.

The result of this weekend? I am trying really hard to get out and not be such a loner. As I said, I'm not really "depressed" per say... I'm just concerned. I've become numb to the past due notices and understand it's going to take some time for me to get my rent/bills/etc up to date. Well, check that... I'm another month late as of tomorrow... fuck. Now I'm getting worried about that.

Anyhoo... I'm feeling somewhat better, I just need WORK and I need it NOW!

No Idea what to call this post

2006-05-21T15:38:00.000-04:00

A few things have happened since my last real post. A great friend of mine got ahold of me and said a few brief lines of text that have changed me:

I read your blog. I don't want to come off wrong, but get out of sales. Just get out of sales.

It was obvious to everyone but me. He continued:

You're a sensative guy and I know your pride isn't going to let you quit, but just find something else.

He's right. Thank you Hot Carl.

So, I've decided to give up on sales. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I've decided that I want to get back into teaching and coaching, but there's a problem... I'm not certified to teach. There is a summer program which is a few months going full time that gives you a legit teaching certificate... but they require a 2.75 undergrad GPA and I have a 2.7. So I can't do that either. I can get in alternate route if I can find a school that will take me because I graduated before the GPA was moved from 2.5 to 2.75, but it's almost impossible to find that kind of setup. I could teach at a charter or private school, but they pay around 20k a year which wouldn't cover the bills (AND I'd have to find a school that would take me.... AND a school that would 'sponsor' me through alternate route). I could go back to school and get my masters... but I'm broke. I could go back to school for a post baccalauriate (no idea how to spell it) degree, but there are only a few schools that have it, it's a 1.5 year program, and I'm broke.

So those are my options to teach. I'm trying, but I just don't care about anything anymore. It's going to be so hard and I don't know if I have the guts to get it done anymore.

So, I've signed up for bartending school. I've picked a firm that guarantees placement in your area, and that's what I'm going to do. Tend bar. I told you I've given up... well there it is. I should use my fucking Fairfield University diploma to catch the overflow from the beer taps.

And to those of you keeping score at home, like I said shortly before, the best friend I've ever had is moving to California. The one person I've always counted on for everything from helping me move, to a place to talk when I was down, to kicking around a junk yard in the 100 degree heat, to getting lost in the woods with, to doing stupid shit like trying to teach ourselves to weld, to everything that I could ever imagine out of a friend is gone. When I was with my ex and I was sure she was going to be forever, him and I were drinking in my living room and I told him "If her and I are still together a year from now I'm going to ask her to marry me. The reason I'm telling you this is because I want you to be my best man."

Now I don't have the girl or the best friend. I truely am alone.

I don't know if you read this, man... but I'm going to miss you.

HOLY SHIT!

2006-05-21T15:33:00.000-04:00

Yay!

2006-05-21T15:29:00.000-04:00

The best friend I've ever had is moving to California... 100% of the way across the country to take a new job.

Add one more thing to the list of reasons why I'm so fucking depressed.

Little Wins

2006-05-12T01:53:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, it's the little things that nobody has any control over that make me feel wondeful. Tonight, it's the rain. It's pouring like the end of the world right now and it sounds so beautiful. The smells of spring time are back. The air is thick, cold, and pure. I've said it a million times, but the world feels so much smaller and comfy when it's raining. It's something nice to think about, listen to, and experience that focuses our conscious on the things in our own little world instead of worrying about the big picture.

There are only two things that absolutely melt me to the core... heavy rain, and warm summer twilights.

I wouldn't give up the sounds and smells of tonight for anything in the world.

Thank you for the rain.

I know so few people who love the rain like I do. When I've had a hard day/week/month it's hard not to think for a second the rain is just for me.

Postsecret Favorite of The Week 2

2006-05-10T02:25:00.000-04:00

Not a real strong week if you ask me.

My connection with this is when it gets real quiet in a conversation that's not going well I always get a very strong urge to just unload on the other party with a furious haymaker. It's not when they are talking, it's when there's a long quiet pause I just want to break the silence with a right hook.

I also feel that way when I'm in stuffy situations. When I was in StL for training and a bunch of wannabe swingin dicks were hanging around comparing bank accounts and high net worth connections I got the old "hey, let's knock someone out" devil on the one shoulder.

Thankfully, I'm not some ape who would do it. Afterwards I feel silly for having wanted to hit someone, but later I can picture it in cartoon form (for those of you who are new, every idea/thought/plan/memory I have looks like an old warner bros cartoon in my brain... go figure) and laugh about some dude in a fancy suit talking about all his lawyer friends one second and counting the ceiling tiles the next.

I do bet it would feel good to just thrash a nice quiet store with neatly stocked shelves just once...

Rejection

2006-05-09T20:57:00.000-04:00

I've had it, and I quit. I have one goal in life right now: earn 40k a year. I don't care what I'm doing. I don't care if it's dead end and horseshit work. I don't care if it means I'm a failure in life and shouldn't have gone to college. I don't care anymore. I've given up.

World, you win... you've broken me. I'm done. I just need to make enough money to stay where I'm at and put some money in the bank. Is that so much to ask for? I have a great college degree and great real world experience. The biggest salary I've been offered has been 30k which leave exactly $400 a month for food, gas, going out, misc expenses, etc. It's not enough.

I'm going to go on record right here, right now, and admit that I've lost. I've failed. I'm not good at shit and everything that could possibly fall my way has not. In fact, even sure things and great leads and gimmie situations have found their way to shit faster than I can even absorb all the shitty goodness.

I get an interview for a job that offers more than 30k with the POSSIBILITY of one day earning 40k and it will go well. If it involves one dollar more something fucked up will happen and I'll blow it. Yesterday I got lost going to a good job interview and didn't think to bring the number of the woman I was interviewing with. She turned out to be one cold piece of shit and send me packing only to return at some ungodly hour later on only after she shit on me a bit. Fuck... I hate this life. I hate what I've built for myself.

I have built this empire of shit and there's nothing left to do but just sink in and let myself fester in it. Unemployment B A R E L Y pays the bills... I'm talking let one slide a month and then let a different one slide the next month close.

It's only my fault. I just don't care about anything anymore. I have no passion, no direction, no knowledge of the world, and nowhere to turn. I haven't seen my friends in months and my best friend moved away. There hasn't been one good piece of news about anything in almost 2 years.

I seriously just wonder if I'm going to make it. I don't know how I will. It's starting to feel like my whole life I've been climbing a ladder, but after I climbed through education, professional athletics, and several careers I've realized that I didn't prop my ladder on the right wall and the only thing left to do is fall. Only problem is I don't know where is down from here.

I wonder sometimes when I see homeless people how they got there. It's starting to become more and more clear.

I titled this post rejection because that's all I get. I can't deal with it anymore. I feel like I've been cursed. Ever since one lifechanging day, everyone and everything I've wanted to do one thing has done the other and thrown it right in my face.

I have nothing left to offer. I can't stay positive when it's blatantly obvious that nobody finds anything I have to offer to have any worth whatsoever. Jobs, girls, clients, etc... I've failed on all fronts.

The main reason I wanted to adopt a cat was to have someone that counted on me. To have a living breathing friend who looked to me for something who I could satisfy and enjoy their company. They've been a life saver.

I've lost everything that means anything to me. I gave up the one thing I've ever been good at for someone more important to me and I lost them both. From there's it's been one rejection after another. I'm seriously so fed up with rejection that I can't even take simple stuff. Even hearing things like "we can only offer you..." throws me into a depression that I can't snap out of for days. I'm losing my mind and I have noone to talk to.

I just want everyone to know that I've given up and I don't care anymore. That's why I'm never around, that's why I don't talk to anyone, that's why I suck. I've lost all passion for everything in my life.

Postsecret favorite of the week

2006-04-24T04:23:00.000-04:00

This might just be my favorite so far.

Every week I go and read them all and without fail one makes me shudder because I feel like I could have been the one to write it. I wish I got that feeling of "well at least I'm not the only one." but I don't. I just get sad.

A Better Understanding

2006-04-20T02:46:00.000-04:00

I have been through a lot. Luckily I still have a support system that has helped me along the way or I'd be in some DEEP shit. None the less, it's the 20th and I still have only had one job offer and they offered me basically zero dollars.

I graduated from a great school, I've done some pretty good things since, but now that I'm fighting for a job... there are none to be found.

What makes it even harder is that every time something comes up in a job description or in an interview that makes it sound like most of my pay will be commissions I feel like running through a wall.

The best way to describe what I feel like is this: I feel like I'm a contestant on a game show that has to pick a key out of a bowl and try to start the luxury car. I get in, the crowd counts down 3... 2... 1... I turn the key BLAMO! Pipe bomb in the car and I'm blown to bits. Of course, I live in a cartoon world in my head, so I'm fine in the next picture. I get up, brush myself off, walk back to the bowl, take a nice long look, find one that seems perfect. I pick it up, walk back over to another car, turn the key... BLAMO! Rinse. Repeat.

That "WHAT'S BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THREE????" situation has been going on in all facets of my life. I haven't caught a break on anything in over 2 years. It's not like I'm lacking effort. Of course, I defaulted to my favorite defense mechanism... burying my head in the sand. I have cut out everything but the job search. I don't like telling my story a million times about how I ended up unemployed and what happened here and who said this and I thought that... bla bla bla, so I've been praying that the car comes to life and I drive away instead of being decimated in an explosion while keeping the lowest profile I've kept in years.

The biggest part about the game refference is my conscious decision to choose one of my options and then watching it blow up in my face. Then I feel like it's my fault because I should have known better. It's also my OL mentality that says if I just give it one more try I'm going to get something good for a change. BLAMO! Rinse. Repeat.

I'm smarter now... I think.... I understand how things work. I gave commission only finance one more try and it was awful, so I've turned down upwards of 10 offers to join this financial institution or that one. I know how valuable a guaranteed dollar is. I learned the brutal nature of coming in and out of NYC on a daily basis. I'm learning what industries are in demand in the workforce. I have a better understanding of what a real career is and what is a bullshit "take a pile of people and throw them in the water... one's gotta survive" kinda hoax. I feel much better prepared to spot a job that's actually going to go somewhere. I'm no longer in the market for a 1 in 6 chance of success. I want to take a job with responsibilities and know that as long as I do them I'm doing well.

Armed with all this knowledge I'm slowly sinking into this strange depression watching one sure thing after another fade away and send the "Good luck finding a job" emails. The ones that want me offer me less than I was making in high school.

When do I get my break? When does one thing go my way?

And the weeks go by...

2006-03-28T20:05:00.000-05:00

Still no word from the other job. Still plugging along at my current one. Today was frustrating because I was lied to. What happens is a lawyer agrees to meeting with you, then you get to the office, they make you wait a half hour, and then send out their fucking assistant to tell you that they are "on a conference call" and that they'll have to reschedule. FUCK YOU! What a shit show. I had 6 appointments today, but the first one and the last two cancelled. I could have bit someone's face. At least be honest. Say that they can't meet today. Don't fabricate some bullshit story.

It also affirmed that I'm either going to have to commit to this job for a year or get out now. I can't hold enough appointments to fufill my monetary needs. I also negotiated such a low draw that I can't enjoy myself AT ALL. Every penny I'm leant goes straight to food, rent, bills, and gas. I'm actually short. I'm so mad that I haven't heard shit from the other job that I can't even tell you. I need this shit taken care of NOW.

I was ready to quit this morning when I was "lost" trying to find the first appointment. I knew I was going to be late even though I gave myself ample time just because that's how I roll. I will go the wrong way or make some stupid mistake that will cost me time and then I look like an ass... again. So, I was late. Good thing the douche had allready cancelled the appointment. But back to the quitting part... I was actually considering getting on the train back to jersey, calling in, saying "fuck this job" and getting a job at home depot again or some shit. It wasn't a passing thought either. I had to seriously stop myself from going home and quitting. I don't like being this poor. I don't like having a pile of mail I won't even look at because I know I won't be able to pay what I owe. I'm sick of it all. I want a real wage and I want it now.

Postsecret

2006-03-23T00:23:00.000-05:00

I am in love with this site. Check it out.(link fixed)

Where I've Been... Where I'm Going

2006-03-20T01:08:00.000-05:00

Where have I been? Well, the best I can say is NYC. I've been working hard, but some heavy questions have been weighing me down. One of the major reasons I've been AWOL for so long is that I really don't know what I should post here. I started this as a way to air my problems and my accomplishments with people. This blog has been a blessing and I don't think I'd be the same person without it. I know that sounds stupid, but I feel like I"ve become more open and honest about the things in my life ever since I let a lot of it go.

So, what's the problem? People find me here. They know who I am. They have an impact on what I do. If you haven't noticed, my name is nowhere to be found on this blog anymore. I've stopped linking here from places that would make me easily identifiable. I used to love to let people in on exactly who I am, but now it's become a burden. If I ever decide to go into teaching, I'm sure a google search for my name coming up with a post dedicated to balkakke would be a bad thing. I've seen the searches that land here and sometimes it's disturbing... and by disturbing I mean awesome.

Here's the deal. I've started a new career, but there are things going on I'd love to talk about that I can't. I can't let this shit out because if I do prematurely then it could blow the whole fucking deal.

If you don't believe me, here's a little story for ya. Last summer I took a picture of a friend of mine's girlfriend sitting on a dock and it ended up on my flickr photostream. Some random person surfing around found the picture, showed it to someone else for no particular reason, that person then goes, "holy shit... I think I know her!" She then emailed the link to my buddy's girlfriend who then asked me about it. She wasn't concerned, but it was bizaro to see stuff that I threw up into the interweb and it found it's way back to me. It's kinda cool in the way putting a return address on a note in a bottle and getting the note back is, but it's a little less warm and fuzzy and more "privacy" oriented.

So where I've been is a good job. I've been spending my nights out around town and my mornings racing to the train. Speaking of... I just fucking realized I have to be on the 6am train tomorrow and it's 1am... fuck.

The real story is where I'm going. For one, I'm going to be around here more. I really like posting here and I'm going to get back to it more often. When? As soon as I get settled. Which has been what I've been begging for over the past 2 years. I just want to be settled. The problem is that 80% of the people who work their asses off at my company don't get settled. They fail. I have a lot of faith in my abilities, but if I was throwing darts and if I hit the bullseye I'm going to be well off and happy... but if I don't then I'm going to be poor and depressed... I'd want a different dart board. That opportunity might have shown itself. When that progresses, I'll tell you more.

On another lil side note... Cousin Fil is going to the Jedi Academy. He is a shrink in training and he used his fucking jedi mind tricks on me last week. I called him up and in 10 minutes he had my mind in a full nelson. I'm going to have to rough him up a bit before his mental powers get out of hand.

Basically, I'm in a strange place right now. I'm happy where I'm at, but not safe. I have a chance to go somewhere that will guarantee saftey (as long as I do my job that is) but it will require another leap of faith and a huge transition. The weirdest part of the whole thing is I'm really happy with the company I work for. It's not like I'm going from a shitty job and trying to find a decent one. I am in a great job and being offered another great job. If I actually get the offer in writting it will be hard to say no, but I've allready said too much.

My stories are like expecting a baby. I don't want to say anything for a few months to make sure everything's going along well because the first few months are the scary time.

Seeing as I'll be up in 4.5 hours to take care of the 3 S's and get on the train I better punch out. See ya when I see ya

Coffee Hands

2006-03-04T17:05:00.000-05:00

So far, I've found that if I wake up at 6am to a cup of coffee and then have one more once I get to the office then I'm good for the whole day. The best place on my commute to pick up coffee is Penn Station. Penn Station is full of little restaraunts and ALL of them serve coffee and get it to you faster than you can reach into your wallet. When I say EVERYONE serves coffee, I saw an Antie Anne's STAND selling coffee on Friday. From time to time I'm noticing things that are sublte, but very different than what I'm used to and what better place to break them down and make them boring than right here?

For me, a great cup of coffee on the way to the office has to have a few things. I like my coffee stronger than should be allowed by law, so every cup I order is tweaked for maximum punch. It should taste good, and by good I mean that I drink it and don't notice the taste. The only time I notice a coffee's flavor is when it sucks balls or when it's awesome, so I'd be happy just not noticing it. Speed of delivery is big time. Penn Station is PACKED every single morning, so the place has to be able to turn me around very quickly. I don't like waiting 10 minutes for a drink. Seeing as I take the train, and I have to be at work by 8:45 (which happens if I go straight to work from the 7am train), I can't be standing in line too long. That goes hand in hand with being a convenient location. This changes a bit depending on which gate my train goes into, but it's only a 100 yard change if it goes from gate 1 to west gate 13. The final, and most frustrating thing about buying coffee in Penn Station is that I have to take 2 other subway cars and walk about a half mile to get to the office. If the coffee stays in the cup, than that's a win.

I tried all these in a week, so I'll go in chronological order:

Ah, Starbucks. Delitious coffee, insane prices. Anyone whoever is going to pay $4 for a large black coffee should give me $3 and I'll brew them up a whole pot. Why did I get Starbucks? Because Brad wanted to get Starbucks and offered to pay. Brad got something or other... I simply don't remember. I got a large black coffee with a shot of espresso because it was my first day on the job and I knew it was going to be boring. "ONE REDEYE!" bleh... They even have a name for black coffee, shot of espresso. WTF? Just call it a fucking coffee! The gay names are what make you feel like a douche when you go in there looking for something different and have to order some MocchaFrappaJizzyAssfuckAchino instead of "Large Iced Espresso with Milk."

Ok, west coast jizz bag problems aside, the coffee was really good. It was exactly what I was looking for, and I'd happily drink one every single morning if it weren't for a few problems. Here's how Starbucks matched up:

[all products rated as follows: shit, eh..., good]

Price: SHIT ($4 something)
Strength: Good
Flavor: Good
Convenience: eh...
Speed: Shit (at least a 10 minute wait)
Cup Integrity: SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT S H I T!
Marketed to... young, wealthy, douchebag white color folks who get to wear sandals to work. (see: fucktard liberals)

Conclusion: Overpriced, but great tasting coffee delivered to me at a conventient location very slowly into a cup that might as well not have a lid. Every step I took the cup dropped a teaspoon of coffee on my hand. Actually, every time I moved. By the time I got to my office I had a brown hand, a cup that looked like I was a homeless guy asking for change, and half a cup of coffee.

The next stop on the list... Dunkin Donuts. Located EVERYWHERE in EVERY town way before Starbucks made the idea of market saturation cool, only this place is the McDs of coffee and donuts. Even though "time to make the donuts" guy died this year, Dunkin Donuts will live on forever. They go after a different clientele and they do things slightly different. I've probably been in a thousand different DD's, but I can never remember being impressed by a single one of them. They just get the job done as simple as possible. You get a nice cup of coffee and a heartburn inducing pastry fast.

So, how does the Penn Station DD match up?

Price: good ($1.80. Best I've seen for a large black coffee)
Strength: eh... (haven't espresso'ed one yet)
Flavor: eh... (good enough, in the neutral zone)
Convenience: Good (Great locationS... 3 on the walk to the subway)
Speed: Good! (SO FAST)
Cup Integrity: Good! (couldn't figure out a way to spill it)
Marketed to... Blue collar everyman. If you're in the subway in a hardhat, you should have a DDs cup with you somewhere. I commute with white collar people every day and barely ever see a DD cup.

Conclusion: No frills coffee in an indestructable cup. Flavor's good enough to make me come back, price is the best I've seen in Penn Station. Overall, a winner.

Next, Seatle's Best... which is a division of Starbucks that competes with itself??? WTF are they doing? Anyways, this place is new to me, Brad likes it for it's convenience seeing as it's right in the middle of the 7TH AVE CONCOURSE which is where the NJ trains all roll in. It's hard to walk in without walking right past it. I figured I'd give it a try.

Price: Eh... (1.91 for a large black coffee)
Strength: eh...
Flavor: eh...
Convenience: eh...
Speed: eh...
Cup Integrity: SHIT! (Had the Coffee Hand just like I did with Starbucks. This is more annoying than I know how to say.
Marketed to... Not really sure. It's almost like a corner store with stuff like a cooler full of gatoraide and stuff. I'm almost thinking it's Starbucks trying to take a bite out of deli sales... without a deli... I'm so confused.

Conclusion: Fake convenience store run by west coast jizz bags with average coffee served at an average price that might as well not even have a lid because it all ends up on my jacket anyway.

Finally, Krispy Kreme... everyone knew this name because it was the secret stock homerun that everyone knew about. Yes, it was that fucked up. Even my dad was calling me up telling me about how this company does nothing but go up. That's normally the final red flag to finish the "ZOMG SELL NOW1!!!!" ideas. Anyways, I didn't even know they served coffee, but I guess if you serve donuts, it's a natural thing to have. I decided to give them a try because they advertize a "bold" variety that seems to be just what I'm looking for.

Price: Eh... (2.12 for a large "bold" coffee)
Strength: GOOD! (I was all sorts of pumped)
Flavor: SHIT! (tasted like it had some medicine added to it. That's the only way I can describe the bizare taste)
Convenience: eh...
Speed: Good
Cup Integrity: eh... dripped a few times, but nothing like the two starbucks companies
Marketed to... NY Penn station runners who want coffee???

Conclusion: Overrated stock market joke with mediocre donuts and coffee filled with rocket fuel. If I REALLY need a kick in the pants and don't have time to have a couple cups of coffee I'd stop back to get some KK Bold, but I might have them hold the coffee and add extra crack.

Winner? DUNKIN DONUTS! Even though I haven't taken the time to see if D&D serves coffee with shots of espresso it's worth going there for the 100% spill free cup, the super fast service, and the ultimate in convenience. I do enjoy the flavor of the coffee, but only so far as I don't notice it. DD even wins on price. for $1.80 I can get a large black coffee with an inch of ice at the bottom of the cup, made up exactly the way I like it, in a cup that will not spill or cause me to be concerned with it while riding the subway, AND for the lowest price I've found in Penn Station.

Next week I may try the fast food chains and unknowns, but as of right now, if I had to pick one place to get my morning coffee it would be DD's every day.

Smile! It's Lent!

2006-02-28T22:00:00.000-05:00

As of 12am Wednesday, it's lent 2006. I wouldn't have even known if the whole mardi gras thing wasn't huge post Katrina news. Today was also my first real day on the job. So here goes...

I'm making a change this lent, and here's why. I took 2 pictures on Saturday. One where I was smiling with my teeth showing, and one where my lips were closed. The picture where I was smiling with my teeth showing embarassed me. I looked at my teeth for a good 5 minutes and realized that they look like shit. Due to tonight being Fat Tuesday, and the official last day of revelry before 40 days of fasting, things don't change until tomorrow, but as of tomorrow, my teeth are my priority. I'm stopping things that ruin my smile. That also includes a nice shiny box of whitening strips and new whitening tooth paste.

This has been a long time coming. I brush my teeth, I use mouthwash, but not enough. I have been watching my pearly whites go to kinda off whites and now I'm tired of it. So, in the spirit of Coach Joe B, I'm taking the next 40 days to get my mouth in order. I'm going to take some pictures tonight as the completely not overused and played out "before" picture. Every Wednesday night from tomorrow until the Wednesday before Easter I will be taking more high rez photos of my chompers. At that point I will evaluate where I've gone in oral hygene. I'm going to say right now that I've been very slack ass about the whole deal because I've always had clean, straight, and cavity free teeth with very little maintenance, but now that I'm older and I'm making very conscious efforts to improve my physical appearance, the teeth are next. As of today I'm down aprox. 70lbs from the day I decided it was time to cut down. That's a victory in progress. I've not been running as much as I had planned, but I've kept it up. The prison workout is easy to get in a few times a week, so I've been banging out a few pushups/situps. The key is going to be finding out what my life is going to be like at NMFN and finding the most convenient gym. Brad has mentioned wanting to lift in NYC. I'm not against that idea and I actually think it's a pretty good one. The only piece of the puzzle is my time commitment to work. If I can get out every day at 5 or 6 and Brad's going to be in the city and wanting to lift at the same time, then I'll sign right up. The problem comes in if we're on different schedules, not in the city the same days/times, etc. If that's the case then I'll just sign up for a gym here in Morristown and take it from there.

But I digress... The main goal of this post is to say that I've changed my focus and I'm taking care of my teeth. I don't want to post my before pictures until I've made progress so I don't look like an ass. How's that for conviction?

fuck you... I'm gone

Great Weekend, Going Live Soon

2006-02-27T00:02:00.000-05:00

OK, what a weekend. I had a blast, got a lot of shit done, and spent some quality time where it needed to be spent. Friday was a party down in Toms River, Saturday was hanging out here, Sunday was devoted to cleaning and settting up this joint so it's actually a respectable looking apartment. Everything went exactly to plan. Everything happened just how I wanted it to. Everything rocked. My Dad stopped by today and hooked me up with a gallon of chilli he made last night. He makes some serious kick ass chilli. He started making it back when I was playing high school football and would sell it at the concession stand. I never knew exactly how much chilli he'd make, but it was a huge vat every single week. Nowadays he will make a gallon or two here or there and I was lucky enough to get some for myself. Along with the chilli came some supplies from Mom. She refuses to stop by without some food, so she loaded up my dad with things like butter, milk, and other stupid things like that. It's nice to get a little food boost like that. I was just thinking I need to go to the store because I was out of a lot of stuff, but now I've got enough to get me through at least this week.

Oh, and milk is in every freaken recepie. If I run out of milk, I can't make anything. Sure, I can bake a roast or fry up some eggs or that kind of thing, but anything bread-like needs milk. Biscuits, oatmeal, pancakes, etc. I also got a cool cook book from my sister and I think when I go to the store I'm going to bring along a few recepies to try. It's called A Man, A Can, and A Microwave and it's basically a waterproof picture book of things that are good but take very little work. I always remember to buy the stuff after I get home from the store. I need to make myself a note... done.

So, tomorrow's Monday. Training started 2 weeks ago and ended a week ago Friday. I went in last Tuesday... so am I doing my job yet? Nope. I don't start until Tuesday. I need to go up to white planes tomorrow and do a presentation in front of all the muckidy mucks. I need to tell them my business plan, what I intend to do at NMFN, etc. I'm looking forward to it because I've known what I was going to say the whole time. I don't see why anyone's presentation would be any different from anyone else's. You do everything exactly the way you are supposed to, follow the instructions of your mentor, be ready to step outside of your comfort zone, and work your ass off and you will suceede. If you fail, then the process is flawed and you have nothing to be ashamed of. If you do things your own way and you fail, then you're stupid. I don't have time to fail. I want this so badly. This job seems like the thing I've been looking for all these years I've been bouncing around chasing dreams and earning scraps. If I can just get off to a good start then I'm going to be a very happy man. How do I do that? I do everything exactly the way it's been proven to work and pay attention to detail. How could anyone change that? I know I'm going to hear a bunch of shit from people who don't really know how rough this kinda sales job is. They are going to get up and talk about seminars, bilboards, and bullshit and not even touch upon what's important. They won't even realize it, but they are setting themselves up to feel like shit. Like I said, if you do things your way and fail, then it's you that failed. If you do exactly what you're told and you fail, then it's not your fault.

My plan, which I haven't got on paper yet, is to do exactly what has been proven to work over and over again and avoid the distractions and flak that is involved with sales. I'm going to use what I've learned and what I've done only as far as it fits in the clean cut plan that NMFN has lined up for me. I'm going to be open and honest with my mentor and make sure that I'm doing exactly the right stuff all the time. I'm not going to let small failures turn into big ones by allowing them to hang around. I'm going to stay focused on the goals and carefully track my progress.

It's that simple. Do what you are told. Do what has been proven to work. Don't let the meaningless stuff get in the way.

Done.

So here I am, nervous and wide awake at 1am. I don't have to be in White Planes until 1pm, but I should be in bed. I'm actually dreading having to work all week, but there is a silver lining. When you have something you're looking forward to on the weekends, being busy and watching time fly by is not a bad thing.

bah, I'm going to bed.

Grownup Problems

2006-02-24T00:10:00.000-05:00

Back in the day I could quit a job and then just look around for another one without any fear that I'd starve. Now, as an "adult" I leave one job knowing I will start the other one in a week and I'm scared I'm going to starve. I guess that's what happens when you fall for a classic management trick and get paid below the poverty level for 6 months. I seriously didn't bank a dime before I left AGE and now that I'm probably a month and a half from a real paycheck I'm starting to get scared. My new boss will forward me the cash I need to survive, but I am going to have to have a check in hand real quick to pay my bills. Oh, did I forget to mention health insurance? I use sophisticated medical equipment that's LEASED to me, so I've been staring at a letter from the medical center that I know has a bill in it for a week. I'm going to owe them big money for my CPAP machine until I get covered by my new health insurance. Add to that the fact that I have rent, bills, train faire, and a reason to drive an hour as often as possible (tee hee...) I'm up shit's creek sans paddle. I even turned down a night at my favorite bar with my 2 of my favorite drinking buddies tonight so I could have enough cash to survive.

When I make my first big month at NMFN I'm going to come back and link to every post where I talk about how fucking poor I am and LOL right in my own stupid face. I can't wait. Did I mention that NMFN is going to work out? Well... it is. I'm having a better experience with people BEFORE I EVEN START than I did a year into being a broker. I'm excited to see a few heavy paychecks come my way. Once I can start banking money every month I have plans that will drastically improve my life. Every time I talk to a stranger on the train and they ask if I can call them to schedule an apointment after I tell them that I haven't even started yet it makes my mouth water. I have a mental list of all the stuff I'm going to do, and it's going to be awesome.

The flip side to coming back and linking these bitching about money posts is if this job doesn't work out I'm going to link to this post and make fun of myself for drinking the NMFN Kool-Aide too soon. Of course, I have shit lined up in case this falls to shit as well... don't you worry your pretty lil head over it.

OK, bitches and bitchettes, I'm out.

Old School, Putfile, and NYC

2006-02-21T20:28:00.000-05:00

BEFORE

AFTER

FINALLY! I broke down and bought myself a buzzer at Walgreens and went old school all up in this mofukka. I feel like my old self again! Beard is incomming... kinda, but with my head shaved now, I feel so good. There's something about looking in the mirror and seeing what you want to see that feels oh so good. I just can't keep up with hair. Mine grows so fast and to get a good haircut I have to be in Morristown during semi-normal business hours. Even then it's still not a guarantee that my hair will be the way I like it. Every time is different, every time is a hastle. I always wait too long and look like a little puffy headed kid. I was going to go today (and I'll explain later) but then I realized that I could spend 20 bucks and buy a buzzer and shave my head 10X a week if I want or I can spend 20 bucks and have a decent haircut for a couple weeks before I get self conscious. I actually was aware of my hair this week because I had plans actually work out. I tried to catch my barber, but he was closed the 3 times I went over there. So, I went out to dinner with puffy 10yr old retard hair. Those days are over. I'm back to what I like. Buzzed on zero. I should just chuck the clips because I'll never use them. I like the feel, the look, the cleansliness, everything about my head being shaved. Wearing anything on my head is more comfortable now too. I can't say it enough, I'm PUMPED about shaving my head again.

The second part of the title today is talking about the movie that Trebek and I made this weekend. He came over and neither one of us felt like going boozing so we decided to mess around with my video capture and editing software on the old computer. The resulting machinima (click here for the wikipedia definition of "machinima" if you are not familiar) is awesome. I've made quite a few movies in the past two years, but only a few have been shared on the web and even fewer are worth watching more than a few times. This one is starting to gain momentum. My move, Becomming The Champ: It Begins is IN THE TOP 50 FOR THE WEEK ON PUTFILE.COM! Trebek and I are both going nuts. It's been up for 2 days and it will break 1000 views by tonight. It's holding a 3.4 out of 5 rating making it #49 for the week as of right now. I knew it was pretty good, but the respect it's getting on the site is AWESOME. Nothing like doing something you enjoy and getting even the smallest bit of credit. If you want to check out the short, then here's the link: Becoming The Champ: It Begins. If you can't tell, I'm pretty proud of my nerdery.

The final part of this post is my job. I was under the impression that I'd start today seeing as training ended on Friday. I woke up at 6am SHARP. I took a shower, shaved, fed the cats, cleaned the litter box, ate breakfast, walked to the train station nice and early so I could buy my 10 trip train pass, got on the train, rode all the way to NY Penn alone (huge bonus), walked into my office at about quarter to 9, made myself a sweet list of things I wanted to get done today, met a few of my coworkers, and was waiting for the haymaker to land in my mouth seeing as everything else had went PERFECTLY up to this point. Then Sam came in. I asked if I could speak to him, he said sure, so I went into his office and he started the conversation by saying, "didn't you check your voicemail?" "No." "I called you yesterday and left a message, you start Friday at 3:30." I had screened the call because it was an unknown number and I'm tired of being offered payment protection on my chase card. I didn't check the message because I had a ton of messages. I erased them all on the train ride home... at noon... and low and behold... "Hi, it's Sam, I want to talk to you about the gameplan. We're going to have you start on Friday at 3:30. See you then, but call me so we can go over the details." Doh.

First day on the new job

2006-02-13T20:07:00.000-05:00

As of today I officially work in NYC. I commuted in and commuted out flawlessly. It actually felt good to be on the train and the subway because I knew where I was going. I agonized over it so much the first time I went in that this time it was cake. I actually enjoyed the trip. The way home was a different story. I was worn out and really didn't feel like waiting forever to get home. Of course I hopped on the first train home and ended up on a freaken local train that stopped more times than I'd like to remember. Tomorrow I'm waiting for a midtown direct that is nonstop for most of the way even if that means staying later than I had wanted to originally.

But wait, what didn't I mention? Oh yeah, the freaken deepest snowfall in NYC's recorded history! OH SNAP! Well, it doesn't mean shit to me. Only inconvenience I could see was the walk from my apartment to the train station (which sucked, but wasn't so bad). I get to the train station at about 5 after 7... train is due to arrive at 7:17 and I have ZERO DOLLARS on me. So, I go inside to buy a week pass to NYC and there is a HUGE line of people doing the same thing. I'm watching the clock and tapping my feet and 7:17 is rapidly approaching, but the line isn't moving fast enough. I couldn't get on the train and buy a ticket because I had no cash, so I was going to miss my train to buy a ticket if it didn't start moving. 5 minutes till go time and I'm maybe 3 people back from the teller. Then this asshole dude gets to the front of the line and is lollygagging. He was seriously at the teller for 5 minutes. Why do I know that? Because I was WATCHING THE CLOCK LIKE A HAWK! 7:17 rolls around and he's putting his wallet away and laughing with the clerk while I'm still 2 spots back from the pole position. They both come and go and I buy my pass. Now it's 7:19 and I'm like... "WTF?" Still no train. Then a voice comes over the loudspeaker, "The 6:27 midtown direct has been delayed 40 minutes. We'll update you as we have information." 6:27? What about my train? Well, the 6:27 showed up at 7:45 and there were 4 trainloads of people waiting to get on. I get on, sit down, and a man sits next to me with his video ipod watching the simpsons. I thought that was actually kinda cool. I never understood why anyone would go crazy for an ipod, let alone a video ipod, but that commute is a long quiet ride packed in tight with a lot of people. It would be nice to have a distraction. So, I'm on the train and it's a half hour later than I expected, but I was planning on being at work an hour early. I'm still in good shape right? Wrong. The train I got on had to be made into a local train because one of the four loads of people were waiting on a local train. So we stopped at the first 4 or 5 stops to let people on and off. At that point it was obvious that every single seat on the train was full and a couple people had to stand, so they expressed it the rest of the way to manhatten. I don't know what people were doing if they were looking to get off at other stops, but I didn't really care at that point. I just wanted to get to work on time.

The train stops at NY Penn and I get off. Panic sets in for a second. I start worrying about where to go and then I realize that I KNOW where to go. I casually follow the crowd of other commuters to the 1 uptown and walk right on. This time the subway didn't seem confusing or scary at all. I went 1 stop, got off at times square, walked to the shuttle, rode it to grand central, and walked right into my office... 9 minutes late, but very very happy. I didn't think I'd be intimidated and scared forever, but I had no idea I'd be comfortable with it all so fast. I really had no problem at all.

I get in and there is a group of people sitting around the conference room table and the GA was standing at the helm with a big drawing board and a marker. He joked about me being in a hurry, to relax, and get comfortable. I did, and the rest of the day was cake. The GA had the floor for the morning and another manager had the afternoon. It was all introductory information and information about the company, but I learned two important things today: 1. I'm off on monday. 2. I only have a week of training. I really wasn't looking forward to a month or two of training like I had at AGE. I allready had that crap and I didn't really think that another month of product training would help. The way this program works is you get a crash course for a week and then your only job is to get appointments. When you get the appointments you go with an experienced guy and do joint work until you have a firm grasp on everything. At that point you start taking over the meetings, but still do joint work. When you are at 100% you get to go out on your own. When you feel you need help, you bring someone with you to help. Eventually, you're the one being called on to help and the circle of life goes on. I love it.

I didn't let my trainers get away with anything though. I grilled them on every piece of the puzzle and every aspect of my job no matter how plain and simple it seemed. I have enough experience now to know how things work (at least how they worked for me) so I'm doing everything in my power to make sure I don't get into a similar "no win" situation like the one I was mired in at AGE. The best way I can describe it is that I have a reality, they are telling me their reality, and I have to trust them enough to bridge the two in my head and understand that this process works. No matter how much proof there is on paper it's not enough to tell me 100% that it's going to work for me, so that's where the bridge comes in. I'm doing everything in my power (asking a shit load of questions, prying at every angle) to make sure that the bridge is a short and sturdy one, but there is still that leap of faith I have to make where I just say "this bridge is safe" and start walking. Until I've walked it, there's no way to know for sure, but from what I've heard it's strong enough.

In other news, Wyatt was rolling around on my lap tonight and fell off... well... not so much fell off as slipped and caught himself by digging his enourmous nails into my upper leg and holding on for dear life. Enter, stage left, nail clippers. I held him down in my lap and clipped his nails. I was fearing doing that forever, but the feeling of 10 little needles piercing you an inch from you ball bag makes you a believer in clipping nails REAL quick. Wyatt really didn't want me messing with his feet, but Virgil was asleep when I grabbed him, so he was pretty chill the whole time. It was actually pretty easy. The nails are tiny and the quick is very very clear through their transparant claws. When I used to help my mom cut the dog's nails it was scary because they have black nails and it's really hard to tell how short you can go. The kittens' nails have a curve that you just have to hook in the clipper and snip. I will definatly keep that up on a weekly basis.

I also am going to get myself an ionic breeze or two seeing as my best friend came over and looked like he was going to die from allergies. I know a lot of other people are going to be allergic too, so it wouldnt' hurt to try and reduce the allergens in the air around here. I don't want people running from my apartment with swollen eyes because I have cats.

Anyways, it's past my new bedtime. I wanted to be in bed by 10:30... not to wake up, but because I was tired as shit. I'm going to bed NOW.

Power Moves

2006-02-10T23:33:00.000-05:00

I've been putting off posting here for over a week now because so much has been happening and so much has been up in the air that I didn't want to say ANYTHING until I had an idea what was going on. Here's the story:

I was given an unrealistic goal for January at AG Edwards. I was supposed to bring in more in one month than most 5 to 10 year guys bring in. I actually had a shot because a couple I was working with needed a product that would have helped me meet the goal. I needed them to believe in the product. They believed in me. I needed the sale... thus, I didn't get it.

So, I started looking elsewhere knowing I wasn't going to have a job come Feb1. I was out of the office on the first, so I got the news from Helder first. Our shmarmy boss made him defend himself or lose his job. He defended himself and kept his job for another month. There's a great story there... I'll tell you later. He has some things in the works that just might save him. Good luck, my friend. Campinella is a month behind us and has some pretty legit leads forming for himself, so he's in good shape as long as things swing his way.

Feb2 I go into the office and know I'm going to have an email waiting for me "Come see me when you get settled pls, thx, Shmarmy Boss" I get in, there it is. I fuck around until about 4 when he calls me in even though I am on the phone. He tries to make me beg for my job, I refuse. I offer no information, he talks out of being uncomfortable. I pack up my shit, chat for a couple hours, and leave...

POWER MOVE:

I start at NW Mutual on Monday! I have a job in Manhatten. I always swore I'd stay as far away from the city as I could possibly go, but this job is fantastic. This is one of the most highly regarded companies in the US across all industries. They have a product that appeals to the kind of people I want to work with. They give me the same choices and freedoms I had at AGE but they support me with everything I could ever ask for. I didn't want to take the job. I didn't want to go to NYC every day. I didn't want to be a commuter. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a suit and tie every day anymore, but then I met the regional manager for the NE region and over the course of a week he's made me a believer. I've went over all the fine print. I've scoured over every detail. I've been over critical and refused to sell myself any higher than reality. I gave honest accounts of what I've done in the past without using clean and shiny business speak to make them sound awesome when they were not. I talked about my weaknesses and let them know exactly where I fail. They were so excited to have me coming in after everything I could possibly say to ruin it for myself, showed me everything I wanted to see, and really made me feel like I was doing the right thing when I signed my name on the dotted line.

I am so scared.

I went into the city by myself for the first time on Monday. I got on the 8am train out of morristown and rode into NY Penn station. From there I took the 1 uptown and then the shuttle to Grand Central. I don't even have to leave Grand Central to get to my office, so it's actually not that bad, but the whole ordeal left me emotionally wrecked. I fucked up so many times trying to figure out exactly what I was doing. I didn't know the shuttle was upstairs from the 1. I didn't know where to find a subway enterance. I didn't know where to aim for when I was going from place to place. By the end of the day I had been all over the city running errands to get myself ready to go. I called Brad probably a dozen times to double check where I was going and what my options were. He helped me out a lot and I'm very very thankful that he was there to take my paniced phone calls.

The city moves so fast. Everyone knows exactly where they are going and what they are doing but me. I stand there on the platform and have no idea what I'm even waiting for and everyone else is on autopilot. That was worse than not knowing what I was doing... knowing I was alone. Everything is scary when you don't know what to expect and have no safe place... no home base... no point of reference. Morristown was like that to a much lesser degree when I first moved here. I didn't know where anything was but my office, but from there I was able to find my way anywhere. I just needed to know how to get back to one place and everything else grew out of there. In NYC I have no clue. My office is basically Grand Central Station, but I have no idea how to get to or from there because I've never used mass transit to get around. I've never even hailed a cab before. I've been a country boy driving a pickup truck down roads with no lines all my life. Now that I'm dealing with such a rigid structure that is so different from what I know I don't even know where to start. I do know what trains stop where on my way to and from the office, but when I was told to go down to the 14th precinct on 8th between 35th and 36th or some shit I was like, "uh... how do I do that?" If it was the life I'm used to I'd mapquest the mother fucker, write the directions on the back of an old envelope and just pay attention. In NYC you have to know what station puts you close enough to walk and which subway cars stop there. YOu also have to know if it's uptown or downtown from where you are NOW. It all sounds so simple until you're thrown into the mix with a timeline and responsibilities. I was late everywhere.

The 2 stations:

I wanted to make this an entire post because this is the first thing that struck me traveling around the city, but here it is as a snippet. If I just don't start writting bits and pieces I"ll get behind and write none of it.

NYC is such a beautiful and amazing place. All the lights and colors jump out at you from every direction from the moment the train pulls into the station. There were street performers in the stations playing violins, guitars, drums, a 10 piece brass group, and a woman painted completely in silver metalic makeup on stilts. Even the smells assault you so hard that you know you're in the city. Not particularly bad odors, but it's just city smell. Everything comes at you so fast and so hard. The people fly by with their eyes locked straight ahead. I found myself feeling even more alone because I could look someone right in the face from a foot away and not look away and they wouldn't even notice. I felt like such a voyeur. I was just looking around taking everything and everyone in and they didn't even see me.

I find the country to be beautiful like a flower. It's perfectly quiet. You enjoy it for what it is at this exact moment and want to protect and enjoy it for as long as you can. What you see when you look out over a green field is only going to be there for a few more months before the leaves fall and the grass dies, but while it's there it's breathtaking. It's pleasant and comfortable. The country makes you want to stop and stay a while. I've never been one to sit still without something in front of me to actively keep me occupied, but when I used to visit my late grandpa and grandma in Kentucky I used to just sit on the porch for hours. When the sun would go down and my mom would let me know it was time for bed I'd just want to stay 5 minutes more. For what??? All I was doing was sitting and rocking on the porch with my dad and grandpa. I couldn't even understand grandpa because of his accent. It's just the way you appreciate that kind of splendor no matter who you are.

NYC is the exact opposite.

NYC is beautiful, but it's so different. NYC is hardened, cold, and loud. The sidewalks are smooth from billions of footsteps. The buildings have been utilized in every single way possible. Every square inch of every building is an office, an apartment, etc... Every exterior spec is covered with something to look at from graphiti to signs to stickers for one cause or band or show or whatever... everything is interesting to look at. I've always been known to let my eyes dart around and take everything in, but I don't know how anyone could walk around the streets of manhatten and not find themselves spinning to take in everything that surrounds them. Even with everything to look at (including the beautiful women) eveyone seems to not even notice that anyone is there but themselves. I started feeling like I was alone in a world of little worlds so I started looking right at people. They didn't even see me! I felt like such a voyeur. With all the people around nobody notices or cares if you take a look. I thought back to all the times in school I had been caught looking at a pretty girl or listening in on some nearby conversation. In NYC you can do all of that and nobody gives a shit. It's amazing.

I never had any use for an iPod before, but I'm going to get myself one of the ones that plays XM radio and MP3s just because NYC is so fucking LOUD. There is this drone of noise that makes everything around you feel so big and you so small. I felt like everything was closing in on me. I couldn't even have a conversation over the cell phone on the street because I couldn't hear anyone. While I was trying to get directions to a subway station I was thinking about my neighbors here in Morristown. I had a complaint filed against me for noise violations by my downstairs neighbor. As I'm typing this I'm listening to music... OVER MY HEADPHONES... just like I have since I moved in! WTF are they hearing??? If they think I'M a bad neighbor they should spend a night in NYC. I imagine that it doesn't get much quieter at night. It's not even anything specific that you are hearing... it's just background noise... static. I started feeling so claustrophobic that all I wanted was my own set of noise to cancel out the noise I couldn't control. I WILL be spending a great deal of money on moble sound equipment once I find myself with a couple extra bucks. Of all the things in NYC, the noise made me feel the worst.

There are two major stations I spent time in while moving around the city... grand central and the port authority (don't ask how I got there). They are as opposite as they could be.

When I got in I was proud of myself. I had made it to grand central all by myself and was no worse for it. When I got there it was stunning. Everything is shiny, clean, and perfect. The walls are marble and the ceiling is a work of art. The whole place just screams sophistication like I can't even describe with my mediocre grip on the English language. I felt like such a big shot walking around that place. Everyone store, every employee, every add, ever turn, every sign, every STREET PERFORMER (this is where I saw a man playing a violin... supprisingly well too), everything was pristine. There was a moment where I questioned why I was so afraid to work in NYC before because this was the opposite of scary or intimidating...

Then I got off at the port authority... What a fucking shithole. Every person walking around was a drunk, homeless, or some fucking degenerate that made me look over my shoulder a few times a minute. It felt like every piece of shit in NYC was forced to stay there. God I hate that place. I am too tired to even go into it, but by the time I got my money orders (needed them for the finger prints at the police station... yeah, they only take money orders) I didn't even want to try mass transit anymore. I just walked out the door and kept walking until I got to the station. It took me FOREVER and I had no idea if I was walking through good or bad neighborhoods because they all looked the same to me. FUCK I HATE THAT STATION.

Brad called because he was working from home and was bored and I let him know that I was just shot and wanted to go home. I've never missed NJ more than I did around 4pm on Monday. I know he could hear it in my voice. I was just mentally tired. I was at the point where all I wanted was my truck, my XM Satalite Radio, and $1 chicken sandwitch from McDs. I hadn't eaten all day and I was starting to feel shaky. I don't know if it was the fact that I was about 14 hours overdue for a snack or because I was just that blown to pieces by a day of new experiences in a new place with noone to rely on but myself. After I got off the phone with Brad I stopped to ask one of the NYT workers for a subway map. There were two people working so I walked to the closer one. As I walked up the man sitting at the far booth started banging angrily on the glass and waved me over like I was trying to piss him off by not going to him first. "Sir, can I please have a subway map?" "WHERE ARE YOU TRYING TO GO???" "Sir, this is the first time I've ever been to NYC and I start my new job here on Monday. I'd just like a map so I can learn a little bit more about how NYT works." "LOL! HERE'S YOUR MAP. GOOD LUCK AT YOUR NEW JOB." The best way to describe how I felt when I got back on the NJ transit train back to Morristown is I felt like a beaten kid. I was worn out emotionally, physically, and afraid of what it was going to be like the next time. I don't know how I'm going to handle doing this on a daily basis, but I'm going to do my damndest to make it work. I just hope I learn a few tricks to calm myself down and get where I need to be without worrying.

In other news:

The kittens are growing up fast. They've only been here 3 weeks and they are allready noticably bigger than when they came home. Wyatt is no longer having problems with dry food and Virgil has warmed up to me and my apartment just right. Last night I didn't close my bedroom door all the way and I woke up to Virgil standing on my chest licking my nose. First it scared the shit out me because I didn't expect it at all, but once I was awake and realized it was just the kittens I rolled over and went back to sleep. I woke up this morning with two kittens sleeping on my back. I don't think I'm going to let them in my room anymore, but it wasn't horrible to have them around last night.

Tonight I had plans for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately things didn't work out, but I'm looking forward to when they do.

I've been a slack ass when it comes to eharmony. Girls, I'm sorry. This has been a bitch of a month and I'm going to be back to answer what I would do if my girlfriend brought me to a party where I didn't know anyone soon. I'm paying out the ass for the service and the smart money's on me using it.

Teh_Vertigo

2006-02-01T17:20:00.000-05:00

Holy spinning horse shit... I hate the poison that I ingested. In other words, if you haven't been following my long and annoying away messages that have detailed the feeling of absolute impending death that I've put up over the past few days, here goes:

Saturday I wake up at 10:30 rested and ready to go. I put the kittens in their travel box and grab a couple hotdogs (I know, awful breakfast). I'm in a hurry, so I only nuke them for about a minute... they are still luke warm when I eat them. I ride about an hour to Great Meadows to visit with my family for a bit before I bring the kittens to the vet. My mother asks if I'm hungry and offers me cottage cheese with pineapple... I accept. We then get in the car and go out to PA to see the vet. When we are about a minute from the vet I get a sudden and intense feeling of dizziness (or teh vertigo). It goes away after a few seconds. I pass it off as just a quick change in altitude while driving. I bring the kittens in and give the girl all my information. Name: Wyatt Color: Tuxedo Age/DOB: October 5, 2005. Name: Virgil Color: Tuxedo Age/DOB: October 5, 2005. (yes, I named my cats after the Earps and I'm happy with it. They don't answer to shit anyways, might as well have fun). The checkup room is open so I bring them in. The nurse is weighing them and looking up their records when I get so dizzy I can't even stand up. I slump into the chair and start pouring sweat. "Did you bring a stool sample?" "Yes... it's in the car... I'll be right back." I stumble so badly trying to get out of the office that I almost fall over and get dirty looks from the woman and young girl walking in with their cat... they think I'm hammered. I stumble to the car and bend over to pull the latch for the trunk... and almost fall on my face. Luckily, my mother's shitty Korean car broke my fall and I slumped into the car and just layed there. I was not going to make it back inside. I took off my hat, GLASSES, and fleece and put them on top of the car. I dont' know if I can, but I slide around the car to the passenger side and lay down in the passenger seat. I can't even open my eyes at this point. I'm pouring sweat so fast that it's getting in my eyes and I can taste it as it drips down my mouth and off my chin. I'm soaked. My mother comes out in a few because I never returned with kitten shit and asks if I'm OK. I can't even answer her loud enough for her to hear. She gets to the car and I explain what I'm feeling and ask her to go back in and explain exactly what's going on with Wyatt and make sure everything's OK. She does, and in about 20 minutes she's back outside with the kittens and gets back in. She lays my fleece and hat on my lap and we go. I'm so sick I can barely breath. When I feel the car stop and my mother says we're home I quickly put the seat up so I could get out ASAP... and we weren't home... we were a block away. I tell my mom that I'm feeling like I'm going to puke, she keeps driving. Finally, as she's turning into the driveway I have to yell out "STOP THE CAR" and puke my fucking guts out all over the driveway. Somehow I finish puking, ride up the driveway, and get in the house. I crash on the couch, puke again about 30 minutes later (this time all dry heaves and snot... mmmm) and am incapable of opening my eyes for 24 hours. I wasn't feeling so bad later that afternoon, but if I tried to open my eyes I was immediately so nautious that I grabbed the garbage can in fear of puking all over the place. I had no plans of staying past lunch... I didn't end up leaving until Monday morning circa 6AM. I went to work on monday, but I felt so shitty and got so little done that I called out Tuesday and Wednesday to try and get my shit together. I've been in bed early sat, sun, mon, and tues to try to get to work should I feel better, but no luck. I wake up, shower, and hope that the dizziness will go away, but it hasn't. Even today, Wednesday, at 6PM I'm still feeling light headed. It's better every ,klghy c <--- typed by Wyatt. He just figured out the keys make noise. AS I was saying, I'm feeling better every day, and the doctor my mother works with through the school said that it's normal to feel like shit for days after a serious food poisoning.

Of course, having problems with your dome piece makes you scared and having friends that say "dude, you had a fucking stroke." or "holy shit, that's exactly what my uncle said right before he had a heart attack at 30." Doesn't make it any better. But, I do have to thank you for scaring the dog shit out of me.

So, what have I been doing the past few days? Let me see... I've been laying so low that it's insane. No TV, no EQ, no Xbox, no nothing. I know that if opening my eyes was bad on day 1 then panning a TV/Monitor for hours isn't going to feel good at all. I did sneak in a few minutes of EQ this half week. I was going insane just laying around. Sure, I have two kittens that are great company, but there are only so many hours you can snooze with cats while they get ready to wake up at midnight and kick each others' asses. I've let about 10 emails come in unanswered, which I hate doing, but I had no choice. Obviously, today I'm feeling up to typing and watching my typos fly by, so I'm going to get back to some of these people.

Anyways, I have shit to do, I'm going to leave this be

Big Things Soon

2006-01-27T00:49:00.000-05:00

OK, first news is that my cats have names! The boys are now to be known as Wyatt and Virgil after my favorite set of brothers, the Earps.

I haven't been writting much recently because I don't really have a lot that's ready to share. Things have been a little rough, but I'm working through everything fine. Wyatt and Virgil are becoming very comfortable around the apartment and are behaving like happy healthy kittens. I was worried about Wyatt for a while because he was having "stomach problems" aka explosive diarrhea, but for the past two days he's seemed fine. I've heard it's common in kittens, but I wasn't about to let commonality hide any kind of real sickness, so I made an apointment with my vet to bring the boys over on saturday morning. That way I can run out to my parents house and visit with them for a while, get a free meal, and see how the boys do in a new environment.

The one thing I think it important is that they get used to being in cars, new places, and around new people. Since I've brought them home I am yet to have any visitors. Last weekend was the weekend Wyatt was shitting himself, so I didn't really want anyone over and the weekend before was when I first brought them home. On top of that, my best friend is super alergic to cats, so he'll probably half die sitting around here. They don't seem to be shedding much, but I do need to keep up with the vaccume so I don't end up with a furball of an apartment.

I'm hoping tomorrow I'll have some nice stories. I've been really enjoying my time on eharmony recently. There have been a few notes passed back and forth that renew my faith in the girls on the site. I went through about a month where I didn't even talk to one person. Due to everything else in my life I've been taking eharmony lightly, but hopefully things will settle down in my world and I'll be able to focus on the fun stuff again real soon.

As I write this, Wyatt is trying to find a way to jump halfway across my living room from the couch to the chair I'm sitting in. He's biffed the landing pretty good... now THAT is comedy. I was telling Hoser about their kitten awkwardness and their fondness for jumping from thing to thing that normally ends with a bonk on the head and he DEMANDS I get video. I only have my digi cam to take short videos with and it really does a shitty job in low light, but I'm going to have to try to catch them exploring before they get the hang of all the distances. Watching a kitten biff a jump between two pieces of furnature ROCKS!

Let's hope I have stories tomorrow

Can't Sleep, so I'm staying up...

2006-01-23T02:08:00.000-05:00

I'm worried about the kitten so I am going to stay up tonight. I want to watch him a bit and make sure he's not BEHAVING sick. If he's just having trouble digesting food that is one thing. If he starts ACTING down... aka moping around, not having energy, etc then I have to bring him to a vet immediately because he could be REALLY sick. So far he seems fine other than the fact that he is bolting into the bathroom too often.

OK, so I have to let you guys in on Saturday night. My buddy from RHS... VICE PRESIDENT GILBERT's girlfriend called me about a month ago. This is how the call went:

"hello?"
"Mr. President?"
"speaking."
"this is VP's girlfriend. I'm throwing him a supprise party"
"I'll be there"
"what's your real name and address so I can send an invite?"
"XXX @ XXX st XXXX"

So the party was on Saturday night... but where is the invitation? When is the supprise? I cleaned up a lot before I brought home the kittens. I didn't want them shredding papers all over. I must have thrown it out.

So, here's what I was thinking: If I show up early I'll fuck up the supprise. If I show up late, there really is no problem. But what is late? I decided that if I showed up around 9:30 or 10 that there was no way I was blowing this for him. So, I get in my truck around 9ish and go over to VP's house. I get there and there are no cars anywhere. No signs of life inside. Nothing. At this point, what would be the smart thing to do? Call VP's girlfriend? Well... I didn't save her number. Who else is going? Wait... didn't think of that. Hide in the shadows and sneak around his house at 10pm with a hooded sweatshirt on? Yup. Turns out his property is very well lit. I walk around and can't stay out of a spotlight so I get back in my truck and send him a non related text message to see what his reply would be. Just then a few people come walking by my truck and I recognize them as friends and let them know the stupidity that's been going on for the past half hour. They let me know that the party (supprise) started at 5. We LOL and I go in.

About a half beer into being there I start getting curious because his basement has a ton of cool stuff laying around. I'm watching the slowest beer pong game ever, so I decide to pull out a can of wood filler off a shelf and a putty knife and start filling cracks in the plywood. My goal was to keep wood filling until VP realized I was wood filling. He did, we LOLed.

The rest of the night was a bunch of laughing and telling stories, me showing people how to play beer pong, and talk about how we're all nerds and are friends on myspace.

I'd like anyone who's thinking about throwing a party with beer pong at any point in their lives to immediately go out and find a walmart and buy a pack of 6 sportcraft ping pong balls. Why? Because nobody EVER has them around and everyone wants to play. VP's girlfriend bought "ping pong balls" from party city... they were reminicent of the old bowling balls you used to get as a kid in a bowling ball set. Thick, hard plastic balls with a hole where the plastic was poured into a mold. They were so heavy that they would just plow a cup over if you didn't arch it high enough. On top of that, they had NO bounce, so if they hit the floor they just rolled under something. No chance of saving a ball that goes off the table.

And, to make it abundantly clear... a game of beer pong is played with 12 (twelve) cups per side... not 6 (six) cups per side.

OK, it's almost 5am and the kittens are asleep... I think I'm going to also go to bed and see if I can get up in 2 hours

Sick Kitten

2006-01-22T18:10:00.000-05:00

I don't know what the hell the deal is. One kitten is fine, they both play and run around and eat and everything just like normal... only one has explosive diarrhea. I woke up this morning to what I thought was puke all over the floor outside the bathroom. Thinking nothing of it, because I hear cats throw up from time to time, I go about my day. Later in the day, Bruiser (new tentative name) comes up and lays in my lap... about a half hour to an hour later he stinks... he shit on me. Liquid, smelly shit on my shirt and pants. Luckily I was wearing my regular weekend rags, but still... cat shit... on me. So, I cleaned up myself and my chair and went about my business. I called Kathleen who runs the adoption agency and left a message. She just called me back... as he was shitting on me again and told me that I should take away his dry food because that is what his previous owner said was causing it. I hadn't noticed any problem whatsoever in either of them since I got them... now a week into eating dry food almost exclusively he starts this up.

After a few minutes on the phone she decides it's not a good idea to take away his food, but to make sure he gets plenty of water because he can get dehydrated. Seeing as he can't keep the shit in his body even if he's trying (don't even ask) I had to put them BOTH in the bathroom for the night. Why? Because they both need access to the litter box and the litter box is in the bathroom. Also, there's no carpeting in the bathroom to be cleaned if he has an accident. Kinda sucks they both have to go in there, but there's nothing I can do.

I have to keep an eye on him until tomorrow and then I'm probably going to have to have him checked out by a vet. I THINK kathleen will pick this up seeing as it's something that was known prior to me adopting the cats, but whatever. He is perfectly healthy and happy but he's dripping shit out of his ass whereever he goes today... so fucking gross. Tomorrow morning I need to call her and let her know if anything's changed.

I'll keep you up to date... even though this is so damn gross

The War of The Gears

2006-01-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

I still can't believe I went out and adopted two kittens. One thing they are teaching me is that they do whatever the FUCK they want. I have stopped them from getting into my fishtanks with tape over the gaps, but when it comes to the recliners... it's the battle of the gears... and I'm losing. I LOVE to recline on my reclining couch seat and just relax and rock out to a few games of Rainbow Six 3 or Halo 2, but if I put my feet up, the two furry ninjas go running up under the feet. I'm so scared by it that I've stopped reclining and just brought over a kitchen chair to put my feet up on. Then there's the back of the couch. Not only do they go BEHIND the couch, but they go UNDER the snap on back piece and into the actual mechanical working of the seats. I can't stop them from getting back there. I've stuffed blankets, pillows, sweatshirts, and everything else I can find back there and they still find a way to fight their way under. They are still very small, so they can just about sqeeze under the couch as it is. Since there is an opening under the recliner they can sqeeze their little heads under the side of the couch and up under the seat. They are so quiet and so fast that I never know if they are back there or not. The only way I truely know they aren't under the seat I'm sitting on is if I see them both. When the couch reclines it causes a slightly larger gap behind the couch, so even if I did insure they weren't back there when I put my feet up, there's a 100% chance they will be there when I want to put the legs back down. I will find a way to win this war, but there have been casulties. My phone line at my house no longer works because I broke the stupid jack while stuffing shit behind the couch. I didn't realize this until today when I misplaced my cell and tried calling it. There was no dialtone, so I went and looked and I had broken the stupid jack. It's a splitter, so I can probably get another one, but I'm going to see if Brad can fix it first. It's just wires and I'm sure one just got pulled loose, but I don't have the tools/patience to fuck with it now.

So with all the fear I have of forgetting to check and ending up with liquid kitty is it worth it?

You bet your ass it is. This is the scene at my place while I'm typing. I have two little friends that keep me company when I'm here alone. Today wasn't the best day at work, but that all faded away watching the boys roll around and play until they were dead tired. When they were done they jumped up on my lap and fell asleep. It is almost 1am, so they are just about ready to get up and go at it again. I'm going to sleep before they wake back up or I'll be up all night playing with them again.

Power moves are in store. Be ready. Change is coming rapidly.

Two New Friends

2006-01-15T00:24:00.000-05:00

The Boys

Spent the day and about $200 finding two new loves in my life. I adopted two cats. Brothers. Born October 5th 2005 in a woman's backyard to wild cats. They were found same day and brought to a foster home. She'd raised them, kept their shots and vet work up to date, and trained them to use a litter box up until today. I am so happy. They are warming up to me and the apartment as I type this. At first they were hiding in the bathroom (where I first took them out of their travel box and let them get used to me first). They are wonderful. They have both had 2 names since they were born, so I'm not sure if the names I was told will stick forever, but for now, they are Cole and Cinder. I was thinking Rallos and Cazic, but I'm going to think long and hard before deciding what to name them forever.

Only scary part is that I'll have them till my 40s. Ew... 40s....

Anyways, keep checking that link because I'll be adding photos to that set several times a day (: (: (:

Most Amazing Video Ever

2006-01-14T12:32:00.000-05:00

The video that you'll see on google video if you click the title of this post follows a russian kid as he travels around the city by foot. I won't give anything else away, but this will make your jaw hit the floor. It's 8 minutes long and I've watched it about 10 times now. It's that good.

enjoy!

NJX70

For The Win!

2006-01-10T00:59:00.000-05:00

I have been really enjoying myself recently. I think focusing on my new years resolution is helping. For those of you who missed it, it was "To stop concerning myself with things that are outside of my controll." I've stopped worrying about stuff that I really can't change. The things I can fix are being fixed, but at my own pace. Everything else will work out in time.

My AIM has been a constant source of frustration... from the stupid crazy frog flipping out when I try to put up an away message, people using it as a way to go around having to talk directly to me when they have bad news, to allowing me to keep tabs on people I shouldn't give a shit about and being readily available to people even when I just want to chill. I did get a good IM this week (2 in fact) but I don't know what to make of them yet. Oh well. Concern myself with things I can controll, the rest will work itself out or kill me but there is nothing I can do about it, so why worry.

bla bla bla, complain, bla bla bla, everything's getting better... bla bla bla but I don't know... bla bla bla

That just about sums up everything else I wanted to post here...

goodnight!

Fuck Eric Bauman (eBaum)

2006-01-09T00:50:00.000-05:00

http://www.ebaumsworldsucks.com/

There's an intro into why Eric Bauman's a piece of shit. Don't go to his site. Don't click on any links. There are PLENTY of other sites out there where you could see the same shit. I mean... hell... just use a download program to get them for you p2p style. They aren't copywrited, and if they are, then you can go to the appropriate site that MADE them and see them. The reason Eric Bauman makes over $6,000 a day is because people don't realize that a majority of the shit on his site is stolen from sites that post the content themselves to bring in ad revenue. If you see a video on ebaumsworld that was made somewhere that hosts it itself then they are putting that out there with an ad system to make money... money that Bauman steals.

There is a system you are supposed to follow to get your copywrited work off his site. The emails are never replied to and Bauman basically just says to fuck yourself and deal with it.

He's a theif and a piece of shit. Watch the flash on the site linked above and then go to this site, click on a dozen or two and get a feel for what's going on:

http://www.ytmnd.com/list/?search=ebaum

Detail

2006-01-05T01:30:00.000-05:00

I've figured out what makes me the most mad outside of dames and lack of money. It's lack of detail by people I count on. I'm lazy and I don't care about a lot of things. When I'm doing something that really doesn't concern me I have a tendency to let it slide. Take my desk for instance. I don't care if it's sloppy, so I don't get worked up over some papers piled up on it, maybe a beer can or two... whatever. But, the fish tank sitting right next to my desk is something I care a lot about, so it's spotless and my fish/plants are taken better care of here than they would be in a state run aquarium. When it's something I care about I'm the most detailed mother fucker this side of OCD. I don't give a shit what the situation is... if I see you fucking off it means you don't give a shit. If I'm counting on you for any reason and I see you slacking it means you don't give a shit about me or the other people counting on you.

This goes for ANYONE working in a team situation, sales support, customer service, etc. When I'm going over every single fucking detail with a fine tooth comb and you're floating around in a dream world doing shit to move ahead then I want to fucking strangle you.

RAWR!

Ok, I feel better.

To those of you who will read this and judge me, fuck you too. I'm allowed to be over the top pissed off here. This is the only place I have to talk to anybody at length, so you get the brunt of whatever the hell is on my mind.

How do some people keep their jobs?

2006-01-03T23:35:00.000-05:00

If you are in a sales support role and sit at a phone all day answering questions about one tiny little facet of an industry, then you better know more about it than the sales people. If you don't know the answers to simple questions, don't send me messages saying I did shit wrong. How am I supposed to know your job better than you do? This goes for everyone I've ever called for help, tech support, etc. All you assholes should be forced to get your shit straight, or show me where I can apply to sit at a desk and answer the phone only to transfer people 5 times only to have them transferred back to me and have me tell them I'll have someone else call them back by the end of the day with the answer... to a question like, "I know that's what you're telling me to do, but what does that mean? I just want to know so I understand why I'm setting things up that way."

slack ass support people.

See you in Hell, 2005

2006-01-01T04:15:00.000-05:00

Well, it's over. I made it. It's 2006. Beyond that, it's all up in the air. I had a great night tonight even though my plans fell through. I stayed home. I treated this night just like any other night, and I'm happy.

I get too emotional on new years. I feel like I have to do so much and that I've fallen so short of my goals that it all ends up in alcohol and tears. I'm happy I'm sober.

It's nights like these that I wonder about a lot of things. I am trying hard not to look back again, but it's hard. As you can see, it's after 4am and I'm still awake. I can't stop thinking about this year. All the shit I've been through, all the pain I've felt, all the life I've lived, all the people I've met, everything. My life has never changed so much in any other 1 year period since I was born.

I was trying to decide which NJX70 was better, jan06 or jan05. By January of 05 I was allready on this path. It's been so long since I was comfortable. I just want that comfort back. I don't even want to get into it.

I made two good friends who I hope are a part of my life no matter what happens with my job. Helder and Goldy are awesome. Making those two friends was probably the highlight of 05. Lowlight is fucking obvious and doesn't need to be revisited.

fuck, all roads lead to me complaining, so I'm going to go to bed.

Speaking of, my stupid cpap mask is bruising my forehead. I don't know why, I've changed nothing, but now I look like I have been wearing an ill fitting football helmet. Hopefully my head gets used to it as if it was a football helmet.

I'm so tired... goodbye

"HAPPY" New Years

2005-12-31T17:03:00.000-05:00

Well, ladies and germs, my plans for new years fell through at 4pm today. I will most likely be spending my new years right where I sit right now.

To everyone going out to have a good time, have more fun for me.

I'd love to explain in detail, but the lack of annonimity here does not allow it.

Well, I did have a nice night out last night. Jo had a party, so Cousin Fil and I went by to play some beer pong and LOL. Fil and I lost to Allison and Jamie because he didn't hit one damn cup. I got them down to one cup and he couldn't hit ONE. Then he plays with Jo and hits 4! I was like, "WTF?"

Then AJ rolled in and Team Homewrecker fucked shit up hard. Here with the amateurs we only play 1 rack of 6 per side instead of the regulation 2 racks of 6. We had 2 double hits and I only missed once going into the last cup. We stumbled a little on the last one, but still OWNED! That's how we do. Straight up gangsta beer pong OGs. Had to show those hos who's boss. The I stepped away from the game. I had brought it as far as I could bring it and decided that there was nothing left for me to do... until the next time. hehe.

For the record, here's how FU plays beer pong/Beruit(and I don't give a shit which):

-2 racks of 6 per side with a total of 4 beers (2 each)

-4X8 plywood table (I guess plywood is in short supply... we never seem to have one anymore)

-If both players hit the same cup, the game is over

-If both players hit a cup (but not the same cup) they get the balls back for another round

-RERACKING SCHEDULE: Diamond, triangulate, I formation. When you're down to 6 cups total, you start up with a fresh rack of 6 and then go through with Diamond, Triangulate, and I formation

-If the first shot brings you down to the next rerack in the schedule, then the second shooter can call for the rerack immediately.

-If, for any reason, inculding 2 balls sunk in the same cup on the same roud, one team is shut out (does not hit any cups) then the losing team has to get completly naked and run around the house 5 times. The winning team can alter the route if conditions do not allow 5 laps for any reason. Alternate consequences include a rematch with losing team naked.

-Another consequence of being shut out is having to funnel the remaining beers (naked of course). If no funnel is available, they must be chugged.

-If you are not OK with the rules, then don't play. It's how the game is played by the true athletes of the drinking field.

Bleh, I just realized I'm not doing shit tonight again... maybe something will show itself.

whatever, fuckers. I'm out

Kitty?

2005-12-28T00:40:00.000-05:00

Well, I've been doing a lot of research the past couple weeks and I think I am going to adopt a cat. I have been looking up shelters and adoption agencies, contacted a few, and gave them my story. I'm only worried about finding the right one and being able to provide a good life for it. It would be nice to have a little furball running around. Even though I'm a gangsta ass OG playa it still gets lonely around here sometimes. I've loved just about every cat I've met and I think I have a good place for one to live.

So it looks like the cost to adopt (as a donation for vet costs and shit) is going to be around $100. The shit I'll need to get, depending on which agency I use will probably cost another $150. Then there's food which averages out to be around 50 cents a day and the litter which I still can't price because every site I go to says either "DO NOT BUY CLUMPING LITTER" or "ONLY BUY CLUMPING LITTER UNLESS YOU WANT TO CLEAN THE BOX TWICE A DAY." So I'm not sure of that but it's looking like that will be no more than food. So if I figure on $30 a month after an innitial investment of $250 bucks then I should be set.

I'm actually pretty excited, so I'm taking my time. Normally I rush into shit and then end up in deep and scrambling for solutions. This time I'm going to speak to people, check out a ton of cats and adoption agencies, do my homework, and only do this once I'm 100% ready, if at all.

But wait. Aren't you in a pinch for money these days? You bet your ass I am. This is where my New Years resolution comes in. I know it's early, but I've been acting on it for about the past 3 months. It's more of a "now that I'm trying to live a good life resolution" then a New Years Resolution, but here goes:

I am going to stop being so depressed over the things in my life I cannot controll and focus on taking care of the things that are going to bring me happiness and success that ARE within my controll.

What does that mean? I'll tell ya! It means that I'm going to go into work every day and do my job to the best of my ability. If I fail, and that's looking like a pretty safe bet seeing as my boss put me on blast for 2 hours the other day, then I will fail knowing I gave it my all and move on. I will get a part time job at UPS loading trucks and update my resume. I will move into something else, but preferrably someplace that will hold my 7 so I don't ever have to retake it again. If this doesn't work out, I will be in a non-prospecting (cold calling) sales position, management at a place like Home Depot or Best Buy, behind the scenes work at a financial institution, or... here it comes... teaching/coaching like everyone's always said I should do. I vowed I'd never go back to school, but if it will get me a teaching job, I will have to. If I go that route I'm going to try to hold out for an alternate route certification, but if I can't then I can't.

BTW, I just lost another whole post because my hand hit the stupid dropdown button and I typed the correct letters to delete the whole fucking post. Thank God for "recover post", but I still lost about half of what I wrote. So you get the short version of the rest so I can go to bed:

I want a cat because I think it would be great companionship and a fun little furball to have. If I find a cat that fits my needs, is fixed, disease free, up to date on all shots, and with the temperment I'm looking for (from a respectable place) then I'm going to get one. If my job doesn't pay the bills, then I'll find another job. If I can't afford $30 a month for cat food and kitty litter then I shouldn't be here anymore.

I also figured out what it is about me that's changed. I have never been "in shape" to the point where I had a six pack, but when I was in top fighting condition I felt good about myself. Someone would fuck around and call me fat and I'd be like, "well, I bench, squat, and deadlift twice what you can, I run faster and can run longer than you ever will, and I can dunk a basketball off two feet... I'm an athlete." Sure, that sounds stupid, but it makes you feel real good about yourself regardless of your belt size when you know you are physically fit. I've never needed to look in the mirror and see a beautiful body connected to my head, but knowing I was always stronger and faster than anyone around me made me feel great about myself. I miss my beard and I want to shave my head or grow my hair out, but that's not the thing that's changed to make me feel so different. It's my athletism. I am running, but not enough. I can afford a gym membership, but I have nobody to go with and no time to go alone, so I really don't see it as an option right this second. So, this is in my controll, what am I going to do? I'm going to keep at my prison workout and see if I can't get myself to the point where I'm as quick and fast as I used to be. Once I'm back in cardio shape, the gym won't be so hard to get back into. Plus, it will help me go to bed earlier and feel better throughout the day.

I also can't controll my dating life. That sounds stupid, but I'm not going to be dissapointed when things don't work out with girls anymore. A couple of the girls I've met have lost interest in me and I've taken it real hard. I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing. I've been meeting some real high quality girls recently, so I'll just be content with that until one decides I'm what she's looking for as well. That's not to say it's not a two way street, but it's so much more painful when you're the one being told that she'd rather be friends then telling someone else. I'm never going to try to impress anyone. I feel strongly that if you win someone over by trying to be impressive then you'll have to maintain that forever. I'd rather find someone who likes me exactly the way I am, and she's out there. I just need to be patient and let it happen.

So that's work life, athletic life, and dating life... how about just plain old social life? Well, that, my friend, is sorting itself out proper. I've been having a blast on the weekends and don't see the party train ending any time soon. Cousin Fil has been awesome, his friends are awesome, my friends are awesome, and Morristown is awesome. Really nothing to complain about in this department. That combined with my sleep problems being sorted out has made for a great time. I'm going to just make sure this keeps going at this rate.

Hopefully, if things work out the way I have them planned, I'll either win at this job or go out fighting, but will end up making enough money to be happy and live a normal life, I'll be dating without any kind of internal pressure to find someone any faster than she wants to be found, I'll be working out and building my self confidence back to the point it was at before I gave up my football career, I'll keep the great weekends coming with my friends and Cousin Fil, I'll have a kitty to lay around with when I want to watch cartoons on a lazy afternoon, and my mitts.

<3 <3 <3

Merry Christmas

2005-12-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

I had a very nice Christmas. I went into it with the only one expectation: To spend time with my family. The food was insane on Christmas Eve at Tsi tsi's place and on Christmas at my mother's.

This year the 7 fish went as follows:
1. Shrimp
2. Anchovies (in both fried dough and iya ouiya)
3. Squid
4. Muscles
5. Scallops
6. Bakala (holy shit, spelling anyone?)
7. Crab Legs

I ate so much I thought I was going to have serious physical problems going forward. I don't think I'll ever be the same.

Then I beat myself up again on Saturday. My mother came back with her knockout punch of her own... a 25lb ham that was cooked to PERFECTION. I couldn't stop eating and there was always more where that came from. OMFG... food

Everyone got me such nice stuff too. I really should have figured out a way to get them something besides a promotional egg radio from my job. I felt like a creep. Whatever. I can still get away with it for another year or so.

All in all it was a very nice holiday weekend. The market is closed today to mark the holiday which means I sit at home and chill.

I want to post my away message from this weekend just because people have been responding well to it and I really want to save it someplace where I can find it one day:

FnkMasta I: Seeing as you're reading this, you are a part of my life. Whether it's a small or large part doesn't matter. Everyone who has stayed in contact with me over the years, everyone I've loved, everyone I've laughed with, cried with, fought with, drank a few too many beers with, you all have contributed a piece to who I am. The things I've accomplished, the success I've had, the happiness I've felt would have been meaningless without having you to share it with. All of you. I want to thank you for being there for me and letting me into your worlds as well. Without friends, the world is just egos and dust. I'm thankful for you all. I wish you all a Christmas full of love and happiness. You deserve it.

Christmas Eve and 42 Year Olds

2005-12-24T13:41:00.000-05:00

Today is Christmas Eve.  You would have no idea of that fact if you were in my apartment unless you could get under my headphones and realize I’m listening to Christmas music… at least I was until a buddy started sending me mp3s to check out.  I’ve already done my annual wrap up, and I’m due for my last week of the year reevaluation of where I’m going, but that’s neither here nor there.

So, what to post about… well… let’s start with what I have planned for today.  I am going over my aunt’s house for the best meal of the year.  I’m half Italian contrary to popular belief, and on Christmas Eve you eat 7 fish to bring a year of luck or some shit.  I eat 7 fish because they are delicious.  It always starts with a shock and awe campaign against about a million shrimp.  From there, it’s anyone’s guess, but the bunker buster of the night is always the crab legs.  Tray after tray after tray after tray of crab legs will be carried out.  I will burn my fingers and stab myself on the points, but I will eat as many as I can shove into my face.  Meanwhile, on separate fronts we’ll be attacking the national supply of clams, muscles, cod, squid, etc.  It’s an all out slaughterfest and I love it.  I’m sobering up and getting ready to fly over the target.

That brings me to why I’m sobering up.  Last night Little Dawggg and Brad came out.  We hit The Office and drank like maniacs.  I ran into people I knew and had a great time.  We decided to stop by another bar and didn’t realize that everyone in the tri state area was in Morristown last night.  Every single bar had a 50 person line outside.  On top of that, the bar we were trying to get into (The Dark Horse) had a MIDGET SANTA picking people out of line to go in.  Basically, if you had a penis, you were going to wait outside forever.  If you didn’t, then you were going right in.  I guess that’s good for the ratio IN the bar, but waiting outside is for the birds.  So at that point I called phil and asked him where he was and he was at the Cluck U on the way to the dive bar we were going to try before just coming back and drinking at my place.  We ran over and got him and his friends and ran over to our last shot at drinking.  Low and behold… this bar is a dive with dive prices.  Awesome.  We have a few more drinks and Little Dawggg starts working his magic on a 42 year old woman.  One thing leads to another and she’s back at my apartment with us.  I got tired of her stupid ass here so I called a friend who lives by her and had him pick her drunk ass up.  The only thing she did here was piss me off, but it was hilarious that Little Dawggg got her to come back with us.

LD is probably one of the funniest mother fuckers to have at a bar.  He says the stupidest shit to girls and they love it.  So the whole night we just drink and he stops girls and says stuff like, “I LOVE THAT JACKET IT’S SO FUCKING SPARKLY” and they stop and either entertain him for a few minutes or laugh it off.  He’ll turn and say something along the lines of “that chick wants to FUCK me” and then go back to saying stupid shit.  I love it.  The only problem is that when you ask him to do a shot and say you’re buying it he orders fucking makers mark which is the same shit as Jack Daniels only 10X the price.

I don’t know what wires crossed in Brad’s head, but he came out.  It normally takes an act of God to get his ass to a bar and this time it was relatively easy.  I just let him know we were going out and asked him what he was up to.  He agreed and drove out.  I was shocked and appalled.   Hopefully I can drag him out more often now that he’s gone out with all of us once.

One thing I have to mention is that we’re assembling a fighting force of extra ordinary magnitude.  Phil and his friends plus me and my friends equals a mighty army worthy of drinking many beers.  It’s awesome to see things work out like this.  Every weekend there are more soldiers to take to battle and we have more fun.  Good times in the future.

The rest of the last post

2005-12-24T13:20:00.000-05:00

I have to explain why my last post just stopped in mid thought.  I was working on a project for Helder and Joe and it locked up my mouse.  I have no idea how, or why, but my mouse was moving around properly, but the cursor image was stuck on the taskbar.  So, I COULD click stuff and I COULD do whatever I’d like to do, but it was damn near impossible to figure out where the mouse was… especially on the blogger editor.  Nothing changes colors or makes it obvious the mouse is over where it has to be.  So, what I did was tab to publish and hit spacebar so it wouldn’t lose my entire post for a second time.  I couldn’t restart because my DVD writer had been working for an hour and only had 20 minutes left.  I wasn’t going to restart and lose all that time just to get another paragraph in.  So there.

So, where to go from there… when last we spoke we were realizing that nobody my age is going to retire unless they take retirement very seriously very early.  I’m talking 14% to your 401k no matter how small a paycheck, stock purchase for 10%, and IRA maxed out every year.  We also understood that I had no clue about any of this shit before I got into the business.  This will all come back to the Do Not Call list.

Let’s say I’m a mechanic like I had planned instead of a financial consultant.  I’m working and living in my apartment.  I’m spending most of every paycheck, but I’m putting money away in the bank.  I would NEVER know anything about ANYTHING unless someone took an interest.  That means I wouldn’t even know how to buy a CD to get a couple extra percentage points on my savings.  I wouldn’t know that there are other options.  I wouldn’t know how to manage my 401k.  I didn’t know any of this.  So, when would that have changed?  When I fit into a demographic that was profitable for the bank where I was saving my money.  When I accumulated 50 or 100k in my account someone would probably push an annuity or a stack of CDs or some other bank product and I’d go for it.  In the mean time I’d be getting 1%, losing about 3% to inflation, and paying taxes on the gains at my regular tax rate.

Knowing what I know now, that wouldn’t have cut it.

On top of retirement, if I had kids, I wouldn’t know how to save for college.  I’d probably buy a couple bonds for the kids when they were born or some shit, but I’d have no idea what products are out there that will make saving much easier and effective.

Here’s the kicker.  Up until about 4 or 5 years ago we didn’t have a Do Not Call list.  There was a good chance that at some point I’d get a call from a financial consultant no matter what my income was depending on where I lived.  If I was in Morristown, there was a good chance that I’d get a call at least a couple times a year from an FC.  Of course, getting calls sucks, but if it’s only once and a while, and the person calling is intelligent and well spoken, then it’s much better.  Without the Do Not Call (DNC) list, there were so many people to call that not everyone got calls all the time.  You would get one or two, but you never saw a day where you’d get 10 calls.  It’s a supply and demand equation.  If there is a great supply of numbers to dial, you don’t have to stomp all over the same people.

Now that the DNC is in effect, everyone is putting themselves on the list.  That means there are far fewer people to call and more calls being made.  The same person who got 1 call a week is now getting 5 or 6 calls a day.  That’s annoying as shit.

So, if I got a call from someone from that worked for one of the major brokerage firms who wanted to talk to me about investments and was nice on the phone, I would have listened.  My number has always been on the DNC since it was introduced.  So a call from a broker would have helped me out if I didn’t choose this life, but I wouldn’t have let one call me, and I wouldn’t have called one myself.  If you had any idea how many people are like that it would make you sick.  Sure, magazines and stupid shit would call too, but the DNC is punishing the people who accept calls by making them take 100X more calls then they did before.  It’s like they are being forced to DNC themselves just because everyone else has.  If I was getting 10 to 20 calls a day I’d DNC myself too.  It’s just way it works.

So there are people who don’t realize they need help (so they won’t ask for it) who can’t be called (so they won’t get it).  I would have been one of those people.

THAT’S THAT FOR THAT POST

I just had a program freeze, so I restarted my PC...

2005-12-23T00:00:00.000-05:00

...and lost one of the longer and more important posts I've ever written... holy fuck I'm frustrated.

Here's the short version:

CPAP is working, kind of. It leaks air through a valve that's supposed to only let air out when you breath out once it ramps up to full pressure. I also need 8 hours of sleep when I'm wearing it. I was hoping for 4, but I'm not able to wake up until I've been asleep 8 hours now. I feel more awake and alert. I have the motivation to go out and do stuff, but now I have to make sure I'm in bed. 1. I don't wake up for 8 hours. 2. My doctor can see when I went to bed and when I woke up every single day. (aka he's going to tell me to go to bed earlier).

Tomorrow is the "food festival" at my job. I was told to bring 2 dozen eggs. One of the top producers came by and asked me how many I was bringing because he's been bringing the eggs for 11 years. It obviously bothered him that something was different. He felt that it meant the girls setting things up didn't trust he'd do his job. He was laughing and smiling, but he made his way to the total opposite side of the office to come talk to me and it was the first time he'd been anywhere near my office since I've been here. He's exactly what I want to be and he makes me super jealous. Why? Because he started out just like me and built his business just like I'm building mine and he does almost 2 million in production a year and has done so for 11 years.

What's the difference between him and I? 15 years. He started 15 years ago when you didn't have the DNC, answering machines, or caller ID. When he was calling people, if the phone rang, you'd pick it up because you had no idea who was calling and there was no way for you to screen the call. At least in most households. If you had a phone book and the desire to call a lot of people you'd speak to a lot of smart people who'd realize that you're also a smart person and can help them. Thus, you start bringing in business. Back when he started all you needed was drive to make it. Now you need drive, a patient boss, and a lot of luck. Why? Because every smart person hears that they can stop people they don't know from calling their house by putting their number on a list. Why wouldn't you? If you need something you can always pick up a phone book. Sounds great? Right?

Well, let me tell you what I knew about investing before I got into the market. NOTHING. I had 401Ks that I still couldn't tell you how they were invested. I never funded an IRA. I never even knew what a mutual fund was.

Anyone 65 and younger who's working right now probably will not live a good life in retirement. There are virtually no pentions left and nobody knows how to save. Pre-financial consultant me included. If you're not funding your 401k and IRA to the annual maximums AND saving outside your retirement accounts you are going to suffer greatly in retirement... that is if you ever get to a point where you can stop working. I'm not making this up. More than 75% of the people I talk to between the ages of 60 and 65 do not have more than $200,000 saved up. Less than 10% have more than $500,000. That means they are going to run out of money before they die. Let that sink in. They will have to live like paupers in their golden years because they simply don't have anything to live off of. After working your whole life you deserve some time to relax, enjoy family, travel, and do whatever else you have in mind

CPAP and Christmas Parties

2005-12-15T23:07:00.000-05:00

I got my CPAP mask on Tuesday... and it's a spy. It has memory, and tells my doctor when I went to sleep and when I got up every single night. If I don't use it, it lets him know. If I take it off my face and leave the power on, he knows. If I don't fit it on my face properly, he knows exactly how much air was leaking by percentage and how much pressure I was receiving. It's one of the more impressive pieces of technology I've seen in a while.

Here's the big question: "DOES IT WORK?" I don't know yet. I am drinking less coffee and I feel more alert, but it's still real hard to wake up. I've been going to bed too late (which my doctor will know) and I'm not used to having it on my face when I sleep yet, so that's playing a role in the whole thing. I woke up to use the bathroom for the first time in years last night. I have to hit a release on the tube's connector to get it to release the mask from the tube so I don't have to take it off, and I felt like I was getting out of a fighter jet. The other big problem I'm having is I like to roll over on my side after I've dozed off a bit, and if I drag my cheek on the pillow it pulls the mask to the side a bit and blows air in my face. These are all things I can deal with. I think it's working, but we'll see after a while.

I went to the christmas party tonight too. I said I wasn't going. I wasn't going to go, but I felt like I had to. I reall need people to back me up if I want to stay, so I figured if for nothing else, I'd go for political reasons. My boss got tanked, I drank a few free drinks, it was a good night. No real story to be told, so I'll save you're time.

In honor of my frustrations with the last post

2005-12-13T02:49:00.000-05:00

I may be closing down this blog... or at least altering it a bit. This is me. This is what I'm like on the inside. It's what makes me tick. I say things I personally find funny because I can. I don't know, but I feel like I'm being scared by opinion to change the way I post here. Things have changed. This site doesn't make me happy like it did. When it used to be a great place for me to share how I feel, now it's a place where people form opinions based on what key my finger hit at 3am. The more I think about it, the more I hate this site.

I may just keep posting like nothing happened and make this a propaganda machine where I make myself look awesome and witty without cursing, being offensive, or talking about things that would be seen as nerd like. I'm tired of needing someone to talk to and posting here only to find that things I say help change opinions against me.

Turns out there's another waste of time for the list. Fuck the fucking list. I hate it. I'm telling all you mother fuckers right now... I'm going to have to take on a new name, new location, and tell you the whole story the way I see it without any editing, without worrying about feelings or conflicting stories. Not just today, but every fucking day of my life since I started posting the link to this site on my eharmony profile and advertized the blog.

This freedom of expression and free publication and free search and free adds and free this and free that has made getting here so easy that any asshole who knows my name can find me. The reality of that statement used to feel great. Now I feel trapped by it. Can I tell you why my cheaks are salty with that flaky crust on a monday night? NO, I CAN'T BECAUSE I WON'T DO THAT TO THE PARTIES INVOLVED. I also won't divulge things that I'm slowly letting people know. It started with the very inner circle and is working it's way out. I have things in motion that you're not going to see coming. I want to talk about it. In fact, it's all I've thought about for the past few months. I took step 1 and 2 today. Soon it won't matter who knows, but holy shit do I want to tell you guys everything. I can't. I don't want everyone to know. Just the people who need to know. Need to FUCKING know basis.

see all that anger? Some girl will come here to read what I'm all about and close a match tonight. It WILL happen. Am I going to take down the link? No. Because I want to see if a frustrated post at a low point really does make a difference.

If you know me you know what I'm really like. If you understood why I started posting here to begin with you'd know why I complain here. This is where I feel safe to complain. I'm not a complainer in person. I care about a lot of stuff and people in my life, but I need to come here to talk about things I am not going to call up my buddies with. But I have to give these stupid explanations because if I email someone, it's not hard to figure out how to get here, and they normally do.

So anyway, it was a good run. I'm tired of this blog. It is getting to the point where I can't say shit because I know people read it.

Here, I'll say this: nevermind. I just deleted what I wanted to say because I can't even post that.

I'll be working on setting something up that can't be tracked back to this site in the next 48 hours. I'm going to need it because there are a lot of things I want to talk about.

I will still post here, but welcome to the NJX70 Propaganda Machine.

a;lkgnaoigyha;glnkjag;lkjnh

2005-12-13T00:29:00.000-05:00

daslk;gjhagdkljagha[oigdasidogha'lgkhhas'gohk

If anyone else would like to shit on me, now's the time

2005-12-13T00:11:00.000-05:00

To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid, or absurd
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
To me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
End is the only part of the word
That I heard
Call me morbid, or absurd,
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word
When I go fishing for the words
I am wishing you would say to me
I'm really only praying that
The words you'll soon be saying
Might betray, the way you feel about me
But to me, coming from you,
Friend is a four letter word

fuck.

Love,
NJX70

Why Another Waste of Time?

2005-12-12T18:50:00.000-05:00

I was just wondering what I'd write about next. I had a landmark day at work and have a chance to right the ship and get on track coming in the next few weeks starting tomorrow. I also might pick up my CPAP machine tomorrow meaning that I'll be able to have a good night's sleep tomorrow night if I can get ahold of the dude that's set to deliver it.

So, why did I choose to write about the stupid title of this stupid page? Because it never changed. huh? I'm getting to it.

When I first started this blog I was so busy I could barely find the time to sit still. I was gaming competitively, I was playing pro football, I was commuting 6 hours a day, I was in a relationship, I started playing EQ, I was working on my truck, I was doing everything under the sun to have fun and it was taking up just about every second I had. Sure, some of it sounds stupid. I won't argure the merits of playing xbox competitively or in PC gaming as a quality use of my time. That's why when I started writting this, I called it "Another Waste of Time." That's what it was. I had so much stupid stuff taking up so much time that I really didn't think this was anything but another way for me to destroy a few hours a week and stop myself from doing productive things.

I was half right.

My first post "Hair Loss, Friends, and Time" was created because I knew what a blog was, I like to write, and I had something in my head that I wanted to talk about, but I didn't know who to turn to. I thought that writting it out and making it viewable to the few people that would stumble across my site would be interesting. I put a link to my site on my AIM profile (or my away message, I can't remember) and my friends started reading. After a couple weeks I was getting phone calls and IMs from people who read it and enjoyed my perspective.

I kept writting.

After a month I was in deep. I have always liked writing and this was a chance for me to write about stuff that I didn't know how to talk about or didn't particularly want to, but that kept frustrating me. I was going through all the end of the year bullshit that comes back every single november and just wanted to talk to someone without having to hear their reactions and feel stupid. Well, I did that, and when they gave me their reactions it made me feel good. After only a short while I was able to actually talk to people about my concerns. I never felt comfortable sharing feelings before I had this blog unless it was one of my closest friends and in the perfect situation. Writting on this blog has changed the way I communicate and it feels great.

I originally had every intention of changing the name of the site. It was just a joke about me finding something else pointless to do when I had no time as it was, but things just kept popping up that made me feel like it was appropriate. My store being delayed, the opening sucking ass, the store not doing well, spending 14 hours a day in a mall, the drive, everything felt like a waste. I actually remember when we had a new product presented to me and I was like, "great, another waste of time." and it fit. I started feeling like I was just blowing through the days and hoping that things would just work out eventually just because it would be nice if it did. I was trying to think of other titles that sounded interesting, but nothing else fit my life so well as wasting time.

Then I got my current job, gave Joe G my walking papers, was given my walking papers by the ex, and started working here. When I was studying for the 7, I never thought I'd pass it. It just wasn't going to happen. It felt like a waste because I was going to blow 4 months and end up a failure. As it turns out I was not... at least not yet.

I was in my new apartment with a fresh new job and a new life. Only problem was (and is) it's real hard to find much meaning. I feel like I'm just killing time. Day ater day I come home and make dinner, do some laundry (fuck, forgot to do that... I hate laundry), check my email, post here, play a game of CS:S or an hour or two of EQ, watch a movie/TV, and go to bed. It really doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Until I find myself doing something that's going to work out in the long run, and that includes my job, then I'm still going to feel like I'm just wasting time and adding things the the pile of time wasters past.

The landmark day was a bad one. Turns out the help my boss is willing to give me to get started is to give me good reccomendations to other brokerage firms. Fuck you. That's all I have to say about that. It hasnt' come to that yet, and if my apointment goes well tomorrow then I might have a way out of the shit, but I don't know, and I won't know for weeks. The Snake likes to insult, make you feel like shit, and tell you that failure is imminent to try to motivate even when he knows (because he can see all your call numbers, call times, in and out times on our parking cards, etc) I'm working my fucking ass off. A two hour meeting later I feel like I'm finished, but I won't go out without a fight. I have a chance to one punch knockout this past 6 months, but I have to convice someone that a complicated (yet 100% perfect for him and really an awesome investment) plan is what he needs. I'm so sure it's right for him that I'm really going to push it hard, but if he won't do it, then he won't do it. If I can get him to do it this month... then the past 6 months are OK. I am so sure I have the perfect solution. Only thing that can go wrong now is my presentation.

I could have my CPAP machine tomorrow. The guy who's in charge of giving it to me and making sure I know how to use it called me at 3:45PM to talk about it. I needed to "preauthorize" the device with my insurance, so I did so. While I was on hold, she called the guy and let him know it's going to be fine to give it to me, so all I had to do was get in touch with the guy and set up an apointment for tomorrow (the only day he's going to be in Morristown). I called him back at 4:30PM when I was off the phone with the girl from the insurance company and he was no longer there. The office was closed. WTF? I talked to a woman at their answering service and she tried to get in touch with him. She came back and said he was in a class or some shit and that he'd call me back. No call. So who knows when I'll get my shit squared away.

So when will this feeling of killing time go away? When I'm comfortable at my job? When I have cash to spend on toys like my trucks? When I am in love again? I don't know. One thing I do know is that I don't want to list my time at AG Edwards as a waste of time anytime soon.

Here is the part I don't know how to share. I've started the process to make sure I'm not wasting time much longer. Either my job straightens itself out and I start feeling like I'm getting somewhere with my life, or I have a plan B by the summer...

Semper Fi.

This is your post now

2005-12-08T23:34:00.000-05:00

"Are you going to be allright?"
REAL ANSWER- ? sure.
"I'm sorry"
REAL ANSWER- No you're not. I wouldn't be either.

"Are you going to be allright?"
WHAT I WANTED TO SAY- of course I'll be allright, but damnit, it sucks now. I was really starting to like you.
"O Rly?"
WHAT I WANTED TO SAY- Ya Rly

Sleep Study Results

2005-12-08T23:23:00.000-05:00

I went back to the doctor and got the results of my second sleep study with the CPAP mask. As it turns out... my doctor's a hack. I don't know if this is such a relatively low malpractice discepline or if he just has so much work that he can't focus on anyone, but everytime I get in there he has no idea why I'm coming in to see him and questions me on the same shit time and time again.

For instance, he referred to a survey I took where it asked me how likely I'd be to fall asleep doing different things like watching TV, reading a book, etc. I said the likelyhood of me falling asleep was slim because in reality, if I'm focused on something that's important to me or that I enjoy I have no trouble staying awake no matter how tired I am. I've been tired for years, I'm used to not falling asleep doing things. So, I had to tell my doctor AGAIN my whole story. Then he went to the results.

He said that with the CPAP mask I had 21% REM sleep and 28% deep sleep. He sounded excited reading that like he had cured me. Then he flipped to my first sleep study without the mask and it was 18% and 14% respectively. I guess doubling deep sleep isn't as much a change as it sounds because he was like, "oh... so... you were just mild?" "I don't know, doc, you're the one with the charts."

After a hurried conversation with him that lasted all of 10 minutes he was like, "well, I'm going to prescribe you a CPAP machine. You will hear from one of the girls at the office by the end of the week and you'll have your machine by the end of next week. I want you to sleep with it every night for a month and then come back in and we'll talk about the results." Exactly what I expected. How can you go wrong prescribing a machine that helps you breath? It's not exactly going to kill me if he's wrong, so I don't see where he has anything to lose. But, there is the possibility that a mouth piece will fix the problem as well, but he wants me to wait until after I've slept with the mask for a month before I make any decisions on the mouth piece due to how expensive it is. If I feel like a new man at the end of the month, then the sleep apnea is why I feel like shit in the mornings and I'm cured with the option of a less birth control esk solution. If I still feel the same or not that much better than I have to be evaluated for other solutions. The Good Doctor doesn't like to talk through what those solutions might be, so I have no idea. He mentioned the last time that it could be cured with drugs, but I don't know what the hell drugs could do about snoring/apnea.

So anyways, ladies and germs, that's the story. I will definately be wearing a CPAP mask in the next 2 weeks and hopefully by the new year I'll be a new man. At least that is something to look forward to.

fuck you.

Love,

NJX70

cannot compute

2005-12-06T00:38:00.000-05:00

Why, Counter Strike: Source, why do you need to use Steam?

Here's how to fix this! A lot of people have been landing here by searching the same errors I had. I'm going to go find you the link to how to fix it and post it here so if you are in fact landing here trying to fix steam or any other program that's kicking these errors out you'll know where to start.

HERE'S THE FIX FOR WINSOCK ERROS

CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:34:40.279 [3752] ReconnectThread (3752) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:34:56.585 [3320] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:34:57.137 [3320] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.153.106:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:34:57.155 [3320] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:34:57.289 [3320] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:34:57.290 [2960] Recv Worker (2960) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:34:57.355 [3320] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:34:57.454 [3320] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:34:57.454 [3320] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.153.106:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:34:58.180 [3320] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.153.106:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:34:58.291 [3320] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:34:58.291 [2960] Recv Worker (2960) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.584 [3320] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.153.106:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.584 [3320] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.584 [3320] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.629 [3320] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.173.42:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.630 [3320] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.911 [3320] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.912 [3672] Recv Worker (3672) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.912 [3320] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.958 [3320] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:35:00.958 [3320] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:38:01.334 [3672] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : Aborting on error: Receive Failure, WinSock Error 0 "No error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:38:01.334 [3672] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.173.42:27030} : Aborting on error: Receive Failure, WinSock Error 10038 "Socket operation on non-socket"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:38:40.253 [3672] Recv Worker (3672) Told to exit
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:40:05.430 [3752] ReconnectThread (3752) Told to exit

CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:40:05.668 [1460] ReconnectThread (1460) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:40:11.417 [1440] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:40:11.459 [1440] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,68.142.72.251:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:11.459 [1440] {Cnx=0,0,68.142.72.251:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:11.684 [1440] {Cnx=0,0,68.142.72.251:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:11.684 [3268] Recv Worker (3268) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:11.685 [1440] {Cnx=0,1,68.142.72.251:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:11.730 [1440] {Cnx=0,1,68.142.72.251:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:11.730 [1440] {Cnx=0,3,68.142.72.251:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.102 [1440] {Cnx=0,3,68.142.72.251:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.188 [1440] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.188 [3268] Recv Worker (3268) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.291 [1440] {Cnx=0,4,68.142.72.251:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.291 [1440] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.291 [1440] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.328 [1440] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.135.85:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.328 [1440] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.135.85:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.620 [1440] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.135.85:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.621 [2344] Recv Worker (2344) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.621 [1440] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.135.85:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.656 [1440] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.135.85:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.656 [1440] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.135.85:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.657 [1440] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.135.85:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.732 [1440] Disconnect(1)
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.732 [2344] Recv Worker (2344) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.838 [1440] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.135.85:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.838 [1440] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.838 [1440] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.868 [1440] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 2,69.28.135.83:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:12.869 [1440] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.168 [1440] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.168 [2984] Recv Worker (2984) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.168 [1440] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.199 [1440] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.199 [1440] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.135.83:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.199 [1440] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.135.83:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.262 [1440] Disconnect(2)
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.262 [2984] Recv Worker (2984) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.369 [1440] {Cnx=2,4,69.28.135.83:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:40:13.369 [1440] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:40:17.579 [1460] ReconnectThread (1460) Told to exit

CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:44:55.605 [1880] ReconnectThread (1880) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:45:00.791 [3252] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:45:00.817 [3252] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.151.186:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:00.817 [3252] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.186:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.119 [3252] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.186:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.120 [3900] Recv Worker (3900) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.120 [3252] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.186:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.146 [3252] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.186:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.146 [3252] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.186:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.517 [3252] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.186:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.569 [3252] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.569 [3900] Recv Worker (3900) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.678 [3252] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.151.186:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.678 [3252] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.678 [3252] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.700 [3252] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.191.83:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.700 [3252] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.191.83:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.919 [3252] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.191.83:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.919 [4036] Recv Worker (4036) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.919 [3252] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.191.83:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.941 [3252] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.191.83:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:01.941 [3252] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.191.83:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:45:04.219 [1880] ReconnectThread (1880) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:04.219 [4036] Recv Worker (4036) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:45:04.319 [1860] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.191.83:27030} : disconnected

CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:48:32.980 [288] ReconnectThread (288) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:48:38.515 [1688] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:48:38.531 [1688] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.151.190:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:38.531 [1688] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.190:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:38.814 [1688] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.190:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:38.814 [1924] Recv Worker (1924) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:38.814 [1688] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.190:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:38.832 [1688] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.190:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:38.832 [1688] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.190:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.225 [1688] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.190:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.255 [1688] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.255 [1924] Recv Worker (1924) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.363 [1688] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.151.190:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.364 [1688] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.364 [1688] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.374 [1688] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.191.82:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.375 [1688] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.191.82:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.578 [1688] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.191.82:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.578 [2992] Recv Worker (2992) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.578 [1688] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.191.82:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.590 [1688] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.191.82:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:39.590 [1688] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.191.82:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Session Dec-04-2005 23:48:41.806 [288] ReconnectThread (288) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:41.806 [2992] Recv Worker (2992) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-04-2005 23:48:41.910 [3820] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.191.82:27030} : disconnected

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 17:50:11.527 [2716] ReconnectThread (2716) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.341 [3160] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.346 [3160] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.163.54:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.346 [3160] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.163.54:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.650 [3160] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.163.54:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.650 [3760] Recv Worker (3760) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.650 [3160] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.163.54:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.657 [3160] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.163.54:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.657 [3160] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.163.54:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.992 [3160] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.163.54:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.998 [3160] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:18.998 [3760] Recv Worker (3760) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.098 [3160] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.163.54:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.098 [3160] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.098 [3160] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.543 [3160] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.153.106:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.544 [3160] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.682 [3160] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.683 [3112] Recv Worker (3112) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.749 [3160] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.800 [3160] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.800 [3160] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.153.106:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.801 [3160] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.153.106:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.912 [3160] Disconnect(1)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:19.912 [3112] Recv Worker (3112) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.012 [3160] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.153.106:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.012 [3160] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.012 [3160] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.059 [3160] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 2,68.142.72.251:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.059 [3160] {Cnx=2,0,68.142.72.251:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.296 [3160] {Cnx=2,0,68.142.72.251:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.296 [3284] Recv Worker (3284) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.297 [3160] {Cnx=2,1,68.142.72.251:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.344 [3160] {Cnx=2,1,68.142.72.251:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.344 [3160] {Cnx=2,3,68.142.72.251:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.344 [3160] {Cnx=2,3,68.142.72.251:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.443 [3160] Disconnect(2)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.443 [3284] Recv Worker (3284) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.544 [3160] {Cnx=2,4,68.142.72.251:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 17:50:20.544 [3160] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 17:50:22.502 [2716] ReconnectThread (2716) Told to exit

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 18:20:57.808 [3076] ReconnectThread (3076) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 18:21:04.639 [3328] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 18:21:04.681 [3328] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.173.42:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 18:21:04.681 [3328] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 18:21:04.968 [3328] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 18:21:04.968 [1912] Recv Worker (1912) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 18:21:04.968 [3328] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 18:21:05.013 [3328] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 18:21:05.013 [3328] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:40:14.293 [2020] ReconnectThread (2020) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:40:19.909 [2308] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:40:19.953 [2308] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.173.42:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:19.953 [2308] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.252 [2308] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.252 [2800] Recv Worker (2800) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.252 [2308] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.297 [2308] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.328 [2308] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.741 [2308] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.830 [2308] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.831 [2800] Recv Worker (2800) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.931 [2308] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.173.42:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.932 [2308] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.932 [2308] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.969 [2308] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.151.186:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:20.969 [2308] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.151.186:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.254 [2308] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.151.186:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.255 [3684] Recv Worker (3684) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.255 [2308] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.151.186:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.293 [2308] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.151.186:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.293 [2308] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.151.186:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.294 [2308] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.151.186:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.374 [2308] Disconnect(1)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.374 [3684] Recv Worker (3684) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.475 [2308] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.151.186:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.475 [2308] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.476 [2308] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.507 [2308] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 2,69.28.135.83:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.507 [2308] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.786 [2308] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.786 [364] Recv Worker (364) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.787 [2308] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.819 [2308] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.819 [2308] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.135.83:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.819 [2308] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.135.83:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.886 [2308] Disconnect(2)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.886 [364] Recv Worker (364) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.987 [2308] {Cnx=2,4,69.28.135.83:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:40:21.987 [2308] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:40:24.317 [2020] ReconnectThread (2020) Told to exit

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:46:31.386 [3128] ReconnectThread (3128) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:46:44.419 [3816] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:46:44.446 [3816] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.135.85:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:44.446 [3816] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.135.85:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:44.740 [3816] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.135.85:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:44.740 [2176] Recv Worker (2176) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:44.740 [3816] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.135.85:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:44.770 [3816] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.135.85:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:44.770 [3816] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.135.85:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.172 [3816] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.135.85:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.226 [3816] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.226 [2176] Recv Worker (2176) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.327 [3816] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.135.85:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.327 [3816] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.327 [3816] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.349 [3816] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.163.50:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.349 [3816] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.163.50:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.633 [3816] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.163.50:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.634 [3096] Recv Worker (3096) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.634 [3816] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.163.50:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.656 [3816] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.163.50:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.656 [3816] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.163.50:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.657 [3816] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.163.50:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.698 [3816] Disconnect(1)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.698 [3096] Recv Worker (3096) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.799 [3816] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.163.50:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.799 [3816] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.799 [3816] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.815 [3816] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 2,69.28.151.190:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:45.816 [3816] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.151.190:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.114 [3816] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.151.190:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.115 [3820] Recv Worker (3820) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.115 [3816] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.151.190:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.132 [3816] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.151.190:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.132 [3816] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.151.190:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.132 [3816] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.151.190:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.162 [3816] Disconnect(2)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.162 [3820] Recv Worker (3820) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.263 [3816] {Cnx=2,4,69.28.151.190:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:46:46.264 [3816] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:46:48.913 [3128] ReconnectThread (3128) Told to exit

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:21.746 [2164] ReconnectThread (2164) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:27.383 [2144] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:47:27.395 [2144] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.151.162:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:27.395 [2144] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.162:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:27.693 [2144] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.162:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:27.693 [4080] Recv Worker (4080) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:27.693 [2144] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.162:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:27.705 [2144] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.162:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:27.705 [2144] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.162:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.111 [2144] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.162:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.129 [2144] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.129 [4080] Recv Worker (4080) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.230 [2144] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.151.162:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.230 [2144] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.230 [2144] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.237 [2144] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.163.54:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.237 [2144] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.163.54:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.541 [2144] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.163.54:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.541 [3748] Recv Worker (3748) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.541 [2144] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.163.54:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.548 [2144] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.163.54:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:28.548 [2144] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.163.54:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:31.398 [2164] ReconnectThread (2164) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:31.398 [3748] Recv Worker (3748) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:31.498 [3812] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.163.54:27030} : disconnected

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:49.168 [2396] ReconnectThread (2396) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:54.614 [2956] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:47:54.943 [2956] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,68.142.72.251:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:54.943 [2956] {Cnx=0,0,68.142.72.251:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.187 [2956] {Cnx=0,0,68.142.72.251:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.187 [3144] Recv Worker (3144) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.254 [2956] {Cnx=0,1,68.142.72.251:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.308 [2956] {Cnx=0,1,68.142.72.251:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.308 [2956] {Cnx=0,3,68.142.72.251:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.632 [2956] {Cnx=0,3,68.142.72.251:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.745 [2956] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.745 [3144] Recv Worker (3144) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.846 [2956] {Cnx=0,4,68.142.72.251:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.846 [2956] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.846 [2956] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.894 [2956] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.135.85:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:55.894 [2956] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.135.85:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.180 [2956] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.135.85:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.181 [2152] Recv Worker (2152) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.181 [2956] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.135.85:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.229 [2956] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.135.85:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.229 [2956] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.135.85:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.229 [2956] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.135.85:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.331 [2956] Disconnect(1)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.332 [2152] Recv Worker (2152) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.432 [2956] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.135.85:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.432 [2956] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.432 [2956] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.474 [2956] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 2,69.28.153.106:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.475 [2956] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.614 [2956] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.614 [2516] Recv Worker (2516) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.614 [2956] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.656 [2956] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.656 [2956] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.153.106:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.656 [2956] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.153.106:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.745 [2956] Disconnect(2)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.745 [2516] Recv Worker (2516) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.845 [2956] {Cnx=2,4,69.28.153.106:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:56.845 [2956] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:47:58.869 [2396] ReconnectThread (2396) Told to exit

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:15.324 [1220] ReconnectThread (1220) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.018 [3320] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.055 [3320] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.173.42:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.055 [3320] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.336 [3320] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.336 [4052] Recv Worker (4052) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.336 [3320] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.377 [3320] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.377 [3320] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.779 [3320] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.857 [3320] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.857 [4052] Recv Worker (4052) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.958 [3320] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.173.42:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.958 [3320] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.959 [3320] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.991 [3320] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.151.186:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:21.992 [3320] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.151.186:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.280 [3320] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.151.186:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.281 [336] Recv Worker (336) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.281 [3320] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.151.186:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.312 [3320] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.151.186:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.312 [3320] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.151.186:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.313 [3320] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.151.186:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.379 [3320] Disconnect(1)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.379 [336] Recv Worker (336) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.480 [3320] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.151.186:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.480 [3320] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.480 [3320] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.507 [3320] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 2,69.28.135.83:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.508 [3320] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.798 [3320] {Cnx=2,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.798 [2044] Recv Worker (2044) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.798 [3320] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.824 [3320] {Cnx=2,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.824 [3320] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.135.83:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.825 [3320] {Cnx=2,3,69.28.135.83:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.878 [3320] Disconnect(2)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.878 [2044] Recv Worker (2044) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.979 [3320] {Cnx=2,4,69.28.135.83:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:22.979 [3320] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:25.703 [1220] ReconnectThread (1220) Told to exit

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:47.808 [460] ReconnectThread (460) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:52.882 [264] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:50:52.903 [264] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.151.190:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:52.903 [264] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.190:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.200 [264] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.190:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.200 [3044] Recv Worker (3044) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.200 [264] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.190:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.221 [264] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.190:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.221 [264] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.190:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.624 [264] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.190:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.666 [264] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.666 [3044] Recv Worker (3044) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.767 [264] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.151.190:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.767 [264] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.767 [264] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.784 [264] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.90.232.34:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:53.784 [264] {Cnx=1,0,69.90.232.34:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:54.098 [264] {Cnx=1,0,69.90.232.34:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:54.098 [3296] Recv Worker (3296) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:54.098 [264] {Cnx=1,1,69.90.232.34:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:54.116 [264] {Cnx=1,1,69.90.232.34:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:54.116 [264] {Cnx=1,3,69.90.232.34:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 19:50:56.577 [460] ReconnectThread (460) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:56.578 [3296] Recv Worker (3296) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 19:50:56.679 [4092] {Cnx=1,4,69.90.232.34:27030} : disconnected

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:04.073 [2016] ReconnectThread (2016) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:11.830 [568] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:11.846 [568] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.191.82:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:11.853 [568] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.191.82:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:12.099 [568] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.191.82:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:12.099 [2956] Recv Worker (2956) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:12.116 [568] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.191.82:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:12.150 [568] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.191.82:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:12.150 [568] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.191.82:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.041 [568] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.191.82:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.059 [568] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.059 [2956] Recv Worker (2956) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.159 [568] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.191.82:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.160 [568] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.160 [568] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.166 [568] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.163.54:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.166 [568] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.163.54:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.461 [568] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.163.54:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.461 [2776] Recv Worker (2776) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.461 [568] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.163.54:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.467 [568] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.163.54:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.467 [568] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.163.54:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.467 [568] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.163.54:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.473 [568] Disconnect(1)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.473 [2776] Recv Worker (2776) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.573 [568] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.163.54:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.574 [568] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.574 [568] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.896 [568] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 2,68.142.72.251:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:13.896 [568] {Cnx=2,0,68.142.72.251:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.132 [568] {Cnx=2,0,68.142.72.251:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.132 [3472] Recv Worker (3472) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.197 [568] {Cnx=2,1,68.142.72.251:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.247 [568] {Cnx=2,1,68.142.72.251:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.248 [568] {Cnx=2,3,68.142.72.251:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.248 [568] {Cnx=2,3,68.142.72.251:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.356 [568] Disconnect(2)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.356 [3472] Recv Worker (3472) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.457 [568] {Cnx=2,4,68.142.72.251:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:14.457 [568] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 3 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D6B830 : Attempt to read from virtual address 12 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:16.849 [2016] ReconnectThread (2016) Told to exit

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:23.557 [3740] ReconnectThread (3740) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:34.373 [2928] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:34.422 [2928] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.173.42:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:34.422 [2928] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:34.711 [2928] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:34.711 [3112] Recv Worker (3112) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:34.711 [2928] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:34.757 [2928] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:34.757 [2928] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:45.152 [2732] ReconnectThread (2732) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:50.282 [2716] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:50.331 [2716] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.173.42:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:50.332 [2716] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:50.615 [2716] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.173.42:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:50.615 [4036] Recv Worker (4036) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:50.616 [2716] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:50.661 [2716] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.173.42:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:50.661 [2716] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.053 [2716] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.173.42:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.152 [2716] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.152 [4036] Recv Worker (4036) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.253 [2716] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.173.42:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.253 [2716] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.253 [2716] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.295 [2716] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.153.106:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.295 [2716] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.461 [2716] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.462 [2596] Recv Worker (2596) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.462 [2716] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.502 [2716] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:51.503 [2716] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.153.106:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:00:54.256 [2732] ReconnectThread (2732) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:54.261 [2596] Recv Worker (2596) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:00:54.361 [4020] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.153.106:27030} : disconnected

CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:01:52.199 [3436] ReconnectThread (3436) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:01:57.846 [1708] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:01:57.885 [1708] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.151.186:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:57.885 [1708] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.186:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.185 [1708] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.151.186:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.185 [1952] Recv Worker (1952) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.185 [1708] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.186:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.221 [1708] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.151.186:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.221 [1708] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.186:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.601 [1708] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.151.186:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.676 [1708] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.676 [1952] Recv Worker (1952) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.777 [1708] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.151.186:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.777 [1708] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.777 [1708] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.808 [1708] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.135.83:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:58.808 [1708] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:59.094 [1708] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:59.094 [2572] Recv Worker (2572) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:59.094 [1708] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:59.125 [1708] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:01:59.125 [1708] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.135.83:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Session Dec-05-2005 23:02:01.477 [3436] ReconnectThread (3436) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:02:01.478 [2572] Recv Worker (2572) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-05-2005 23:02:01.579 [660] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.135.83:27030} : disconnected

CsComm Session Dec-06-2005 00:23:09.546 [3168] ReconnectThread (3168) Starting
CsComm Session Dec-06-2005 00:23:18.572 [3252] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-06-2005 00:23:18.878 [3252] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 0,69.28.135.83:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:18.891 [3252] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:19.172 [3252] {Cnx=0,0,69.28.135.83:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:19.172 [3668] Recv Worker (3668) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:19.242 [3252] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:19.364 [3252] {Cnx=0,1,69.28.135.83:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:19.365 [3252] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.135.83:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.074 [3252] {Cnx=0,3,69.28.135.83:27030} : Removing session 0
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.190 [3252] Disconnect(0)
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.190 [3668] Recv Worker (3668) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.291 [3252] {Cnx=0,4,69.28.135.83:27030} : disconnected
CsComm Session Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.291 [3252] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 1 failed: Win32 StructuredException at 77D5E7CC : Attempt to read from virtual address 8 without appropriate access rights.
CsComm Session Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.291 [3252] CreateSession(byob_kenobi,7,11)=0 attempt 2
CsComm ConnectionPool Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.340 [3252] Did not find an existing connection, attempting new connection 1,69.28.153.106:27030 for 0:0:9647401
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.340 [3252] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : Attempting new connection
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.485 [3252] {Cnx=1,0,69.28.153.106:27030} : connected
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.485 [1896] Recv Worker (1896) Starting
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.485 [3252] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Adding session 0
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.534 [3252] {Cnx=1,1,69.28.153.106:27030} : Aborting on error: Send Failure, WinSock Error 997 "Unknown socket error"
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:20.534 [3252] {Cnx=1,3,69.28.153.106:27030} : cannot schedule destruction with pending IO count of 1
CsComm Session Dec-06-2005 00:23:23.371 [3168] ReconnectThread (3168) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:23.372 [1896] Recv Worker (1896) Told to exit
CsComm Connection Dec-06-2005 00:23:23.473 [1920] {Cnx=1,4,69.28.153.106:27030} : disconnected

Looking for so much more

2005-12-04T23:49:00.000-05:00

I don't know what's going on anymore. What a weekend. It started a day early when I drank myself into oblivion on my birthday and was so hung over I couldn't stand upright the next morning, then it continued to a night in with friends on Friday, and my dad's annual christmas party on saturday, and ended up me freaking out and running back to my apartment this morning.

I tried to say to my family without having to explain and get emotional what was wrong, but they weren't reading between the lines so I just had to go. My aunt and uncle were coming up to my folk's place today to see me and my sister for our birthdays, but nobody told me this shit until I was ready to go, and by that point I was not going to stay. I try to tell my parents that if they want me to do something they have to tell me ahead of time, but they don't listen. There was no way, first of all, that I was going to stay all night tonight and end up driving back here at 1am. It just wasn't going to happen.

What I tried to explain was what that house, that room, that street, that drive, that town, that life, was to me. They don't realize the time I spent there was minimal and that the memories I lived through were life changing. It was either super highs or super lows. The amazing part is my mom basically went around our house and collected the stuff I didn't bring with me and decorated my old room. It is simple stuff. It's the chopping block I built for the theater department in college. It's a team photo from the nationalallstars.com bowl. It's a desk callendar that's forever march 10th, 2005. It's my first full size bed. It's enough scraps of memories to bring back such a flood that it hurt. I didn't sleep. I tried, but every time my eyes closed there was something inside that I could see perfectly. I dreamt of signing contracts, coming home for winter break, crying on the floor, 10 hour halo sessions with Brad over xbconnect, the last time I felt the touch of someone who loved me, my first blog entry, my 5 year high school reunion. It hurt. I woke up and had to get out. I sat up and even the window AC that I put in that stays in year round made me think about the times I spent in that room. It was only a place I went to when it was time to see family for short periods of time between college and college. I said it as kindly as I could and without being negative. I really hate that house to death, but I said it nicely. I said, "I can't sleep here anymore. I wasn't here long enough to have enough memories and the ones I have I don't want to feel anymore." My mom looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about, but she knows. I signed the paperwork for the SI Xtreme, AG Edwards, and my apartment on the dining room table. I got the call that she was leaving me in the living room. Easter weekend. I fought with Joe G from my bedroom. I made more life changing decisions sitting at this computer in that house in that old room than I did anywhere else. I still remember taking the call from the Xtreme when I told him I'd be at camp knowing I couldn't tell him I was through.

All the fun memories of growing up were in the home we left behind when my parents decided they wanted to live in a nicer town. I'll always remember how much I hated that decision (and how much I hate it to this day). I lived in that house when I was standing on thin ice with everything. Worst part? I didn't even know it. I saw nothing coming. All of a sudden my store was failing, my girl was leaving, my football career was over, I was going to move, and I had nothing to hold onto. I don't have much to hold onto now.

I decided I wasn't going to answer the question on eharmony, "what are you most passionate about" because I'm not sure. I work hard. I try hard to bring in clients. I love my family. I love my friends. I don't know where to go from there. I come home to my apartment at night and I'm not even sure what to do next. Sure there's dinner, laundry, dishes, organization, etc, but what else is there? I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I don't have a lot going on. I think it's a side affect of being so busy for so long. Now, I really have all the time in the world and nothing to fill it. I don't even play video games much anymore. They aren't so much fun when they're all you have to do. I've started reading more, but the books I have are mostly sales books and they really don't bring much more than motivation at work... which I had allready. This site has been a fun part of what I do, but I HATE complaining and that's what this has turned into more times than not.

I'm just looking for something. I don't even know what. Once I have money I'll be back at rebuilding my truck, but that's a money thing. That will also bring 4wheeling back into my life. That was something I was painfully into, but nowadays I don't even look at my 4wheeler magazine when it comes every month. I have no interest. Add to that the stack of sealed Xbox magazines around here and you have a couple of wasted bucks.

I feel there is something more out there. Something bigger to care about. Something I can look forward to and work at that will last as an interest, but right now I don't know what it is. I'm sure having money to throw at different ideas would help, but I'm not in that position yet.

I've been looking to games and internet sites for things that will motivate me to do something creative and challenging. I've been working on a couple differnet posts for Games Are For Children, but none of them have been finished yet and it's been weeks. I tried getting deep into EverQuest, but watching friends get in too deep makes it no fun. Archangel makes me uncomfortable now. It used to be about him and I having fun together online. That's why he started, that's why I played a low end toon, that's why we joined the same guilds, but now it's changed. He's always angry at me, it's become a competition, and it's just not fun anymore. That's two friends I've introduced to EQ and 2 trips to the inactive roster for me. Only difference here is I don't know if he's going to come around. It was fun for a while, but now it's just weird. Today I went out and spent all the 30 bucks I got for my birthday on HalfLife2/Counter Strike Source... and spent the rest of my fucking day trying to install it to no avail. I'm about ready to bring that piece of shit back. Why did I want it? Because it's the #2 played online game behind World of Warcraft which I AM NOT even going to try. If that many FPS fans play a game it's got to be worth spending time with, right? CS:S has become something of a cultural phenomenon and I've never had any interest. I played the xbox version for a grand total of an hour before I relized it wasn't for me. I just spent 8 hours trying to configure my computer to run it. I need to try it again. If it's challenging and gives me something to do then maybe it's something that I can use to divert some hours. Maybe I'll be passionate about it like I was Rainbow Six 3... nah, doubt it, but it would be nice. Fuck you for judging me, by the way. It's something that takes focus and practice. What else is there that makes you sit on edge that you can do for 30 bucks? I also found a few forums of interest and starting putting up posts there, but that's another empty time filler. If they were active communities that had meaningful conversations I'd be happy to join in with a post here and there, but each one I've found lacks something. I LOVED paintball, but I can't do that more than once and a while due to cost. Same with 4wheeling. That's probably what I'm most passionate about, but it costs THOUSANDS to build and maintain a powerful 4wheeler. I want a sweet street bike, but again... money.

Speaking of money, I need to sleep so I can go make some.

<3 <3 <3

2005-12-03T13:12:00.000-05:00

Wow... I was obliterated on thursday. Really really really really drunk. I talked to everyone on my AIM friends list. I got emotional and told a couple people that if this job doesn't work out I'm joining the marines (which I have thought about, but it wouldn't be such a sap fest as I was making it out to be). I stumbled around my apartment a good amount, and passed out twisted up like a pretzel.

I think everyone has the right to be a total douche on their birthday. I think I definately turned in my ticket this year.

Last night AJ, Allison, and Worst Person Ever came by and just hung out and had a few drinks. I haven't done that in quite a while. Great times were had by all. My friends rock.

I slept like a contortionist again last night, so it's only saturday and my back feels like it's been twisted into a knot.

creativity is at an all time low. This is a lvl 1 post.

25: Part 2

2005-12-01T19:14:00.000-05:00

I am so drunk I can't type. I was hoping for one more person to remember my birthday without throwing it in front of their face, but that didn't work out.

OMFG I'm wasted.... I'll post more later

Quarter Century: What have I learned?

2005-12-01T06:15:00.000-05:00

I took sleep study round 2 last night. I slept with a mask over my nose that would push air in when I took a breath and stop when I let it out. It was strange at first. I don't really want to talk too much about this, but I really want to mention it while it's fresh so it doesn't fall off the table like the awesome night I had in town with my friends last weekend. So, I had the mask on, and I realized that I definately need to brush my teeth and use mouthwash before using one. You take a deep breath and breath out and you'll smell your own breath when you breath back in. I wouldn't say my breath was bad, but it just smelled like hot breath being blown up my nose which was kinda gross. The other funny thing, and I'm not sure if it's the same for everyone because I've had my tonsils and adnoids out since I was 9, but when I'd open my mouth it was like a freaken wind tunnel. The hole between my nose and mouth didn't even try to stop the air from coming through if I opened my mouth to talk. It was weird as hell.

Result? I feel like a million fucking bucks right now. I don't know if it's because I went to bed before 9pm, I wore the cpap mask, or both, but I feel pretty good right now. I woke up pretty easily and without anyone waking me up. That hasn't happened in a long time. I guess we'll see what happens next.

As of today I've been on this earth for a quarter of a century.

I just went back and read my post from this time last year to try and get a grip on where I've been in the past 365. This time last year I was getting ready to build my kiosk. That is amazing to me. On my birthday last year I spent the whole day putting together a store out in PA. It's only been 1 year since that all happened? The store was staffed, built, and closed in under 1 year? Man, we failed hard.

So what has happened this year? I'm going to have to do some blog research, unfortunately I don't have exact dates, but I'm going to give when I wrote about it if you want to go back and read it yourself (oh boy):

Dec 1: Turn 24, build store
Dec 5: Saw Wicked with Ex, Feeders Christmas party
Dec 7: koWALA introduces me to booyah video
Dec 12: Ex throws me a supprize Birthday Party at my house
Dec 16: Met rapper Smiggz in Stroud.
Dec 20: Fight over Blog with Ex in full swing
Dec 23: Recconected with Heather (www.heatherfink.com. First sign of serious problems with Ex

Jan 3: Fights with Ex over blog escalating.
Jan 5: Fight with Ex results in me looking for a new job to be closer to her
Jan 10: Truck needs 10 Grand worth of work
Jan 15: Phone stolen as I'm on my way to Nyack to see Meet the Fockers with Brad, Carly, and Ex. Jumped out of a moving car to escape bad comedy
Jan 18: Job Faire, met Bill, applied to AG Edwards/Morgan Stanley
Jan 24: 3rd interview with Morgan Stanley
Jan 31: Got the job at AG Edwards

Feb 1: Tell Joe G that I'm leaving. Bobby Orr gets his first "real job"
Feb 3: Said goodbye to Football Career to move closer to Ex and start "real job"
Feb 9: Day 1 teaching myself to weld with Brad
Feb 14: First day at AGE
Feb 21: First Cold Calls

Mar 7: Found my current apartment. Jury Duty.
Mar 8: Ordered to shave beard (grrr)
Mar 13: Ex becomes Ex
Mar 20: purchased my camera
Mar 23: JoGo moves into the office. I post about how much I don't like him (we're friends now)
Mar 26: Night out in NYC with Silvana to see The Downfall
Mar 29: Met Games are for Children authors

Apr 2: NYC auto show
Apr 3: Boston!
Apr 11: Signed up for eharmony
Apr 13: Passed the Series 7/mother received a letter from ex
Apr 16: Drunkest post ever. Posted from Shelton, CT
Apr 17: Drufus and I almost have to fight the staff at "off the wagon" in NYC
Apr 21: Transmission #3 goes into truck
Apr 22: Failed 66 by less than 1 question
Apr 23: Become the leading web resource for Balkakke
Apr 25: First non internet contact with eharmony girl
Apr 27: Purchased He's Just Not That Into You

May 1: First ehamony date. Saw now favorite, Sin City.
May 7: Back from first week in St. Louis
May 8: Moved into my own apartment
May 17: First trip back to my folk's house
May 22: Life insurance liscence CHECK
May 28: Passed Series 66

Jun 7: First introduction to www.ytmnd.com
Jun 24: back from 2 week trip to St. Louis
Jun 26: WPE's grad party
Jun 27: First day cold calling for real

Jul 4: Met Archangel75 in person
Jul 9: Candy's Grad party
Jul 27: Dan gets married
Jul 28: First appointment at work

Aug 1: Fish move to morristown
Aug 5: Herb McCaffrey (my senior english teacher) is now Kerri McCaffrey
Aug 7: Benefit for a dude with cancer aka amazing party
Aug 20: Purchased DVD of Sin City, Dad's BBQ with his work friends
Aug 21: 4 month review of eharmony

Sep 1: Got arch into EQ... way too into EQ
Sep 2: Dudestravaganza in NH
Sep 5: Jet Ski incident
Sep 27: Finally got a haircut I like

Oct 3: Paintball with Arch and Brad
Oct 19: Made an appointment to stop snoring
Oct 30: halloween party featuring www.amishoutlaws.com

Nov 1: Bones now has an ex
Nov 6: Sleep study 1
Nov 9: Loud footsteps and thumping "conversation" at 5am
Nov 24: Deep fried thanksgiving

And that's basically the stuff I could write about. So much has changed. This time last year I was a pro football player in a long term relationship living with my parents and working in a mall. Now I'm a single Financial Consultant living on my own and no longer playing football. I can't think of much that's the same. It's been such a wild ride and I don't know how I feel about it. Sure, there are things I'd like to change, but there were times that I'd not give up for the world.

This past year has been nothing but transitions. I have not established anything. I have been working towards things and trying to get stuff squared away, but it's weird. I feel like I just dropped a stack of paper in the middle of a windy street and am trying to grab them all and put them in order while they just blow around. I'm reaching with both hands while trying to keep what I have intact. It's rough.

So, how about the stuff I didnt' post about? Well, I met several very nice girls. I learned twice what it means to be a friend. I leanred 5 times what it's like to be the one who's not that interested. I've learned twice what it's like to not be able to see someone again logistically. There's one out there that's "driving me nuts" and we'll figure out what happens with that as time goes on. I'm excited.

I've also gone from having money to not having money to having lots of money to not having any money at all. I've found out what interest free financing really means. I've figured out why retail stores offer credit cards. I've made friends I'll never forget.

I starved myself for 5 days just to feel pain. I've drank myself into oblivion out of boredom. I've punched stone just to make my hands feel like it was football season. I've given up things I never thought I could. I've gained new things to steal my time. I went a whole week eating bacon. I had my phone off for almost a month. I had my AIM on all night hoping to hear from someone. I met up with old friends. I gained a hatred the stars in the night sky. This year has been long.

Of all the things that have happened, this year will be the one I remeber as the time I lost my trust in fate. I always felt that things would turn out allright if you really wanted them to. I don't know if that's the case anymore. I was so certain that when I heard a friend had cancer it didn't even make me blink. I just said, "you'll be fine. I know it. I can feel it. It's going to be hard, but you're going to be just fine." I was right. This year I also said, "It's going to work out because it's meant to be. I've never been so sure of anything in my life." I was wrong. I don't want to be negative, but doing a yearly wrap up of my life it's hard not to pick out the life changing event of the past 5 years.

On the positive side? This time last year I was in a mall. Now I have an office. I sit in a suit and handle finances... if I can get through the objections on a cold call. I have hopes to be writting about the same job this time next year, but if things don't pick up speed soon I doubt that will happen. I am fine with it taking longer, but I don't know if my boss is. That's the fodder of another post.

well, I have to go to work. I'm going to up and hop in the shower to get the goo out of my hair from the study and then go to the office. Hopefully I'll finish this post later. I have a lot to say.

Fail/Fail

2005-11-29T00:59:00.000-05:00

Mission 1: Get a bunch of stuff off my mind by putting up a new post
STATUS: TOTAL MISSION FAILURE

Mission 2: Get to bed by 10:30PM
STATUS: TOTAL MISSION FAILURE

Deep Fried Holliday Wishes

2005-11-24T23:26:00.000-05:00

The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas has been my 100% favorite of the whole year my whole life. Everything makes you feel good. Growing up, sports changed season. I was no longer out in the cold cracking skulls. I was inside running suicides in the warmth and comfort of a hardwood gym. The weather has officially turned cold which means I get to wear all the beat up old hoodies and sweat pants that were just too warm for the fall. There is the daily ritual of getting warm. How good does it feel to be freezing cold and then pull out warm clothes and a blanket and sink into a comfy seat and bundle up? It's amazing. I can't get cool once the temperature gets over 65, and if I do have the luxury of having a cooled apartment or office to get into it takes me HOURS to stop sweating and finally get comfortable. In the winter all it takes is a few minutes of being bundled up, piled under blankets, etc to become as comfortable as you want. If you're not warm enough, what do you do? Get more warm clothes and more blankets. If you get too warm? Just kick off the blanket.

The summer is finding space, it's reducing contact with your skin, it's getting in a breeze. The winter is bundling up, holding things close, appreciating the warmth of whatevers around you. It's a cozy, comfy, tight, warm, time.

What makes the winter especially nice for me is that I have been conditioned to withstand extreme cold. (warning: football story) When I started playing football my freshman year of high school I'll never forget when it got bitter cold and I put a sweatshirt on under my pads. I got to the field and was laughed at. My coach looked at me like a kid who didn't know how to start a lawn mower and explained to me that Offensive Lineman don't need to wear sleeves or pants (under our football pants like some lil guys did). He had already taught us that we love the mud and the rain, and that stuck, so why not this? He had a big smile on his face and then went back to what he was doing. So, during a water break I took off my pads, took off my sweatshirt, and put my pads back on with only a t shirt underneath. I was so fucking cold. I remember how badly every touch on my arms felt. It stung when I'd hit something hard and feel like a dull deep impact when I hit something soft. My knuckles bled and my skin cracked. I went the next 3 hours feeling colder than I ever had. The next day, T shirt. Every day after that, T shirt. The difference after that day was I was realizing that putting up with things that nobody else has to is what being an OL was all about. With every little trick and every little change I was becoming a part of a greater fraternity. By the end of the season I was coming back in laughing about the cold. It still felt like shit, but that pain was part of being who I am. I needed to get used to it because all the people that came before me did the same thing.

Fast forward 8 years to my senior year of college ball. Same shit. We had to practice at 10PM a few times because of an asshole town ordinace that said we couldn't use our practice field after 7 because it, "lowered their property value." I still remember going out there with my arms turning chalky and white within seconds and having a smile on my face. Even our coach came out in very light gear because he stood strongly by the unwritten book of OL.

By this point I was so used to the biting feeling of icy cold winds and rains that I started to like it... better yet... I looked FORWARD to it. I couldn't wait for it to be so cold that every breath you took in froze the hairs in your nose and made your tongue go dry. When it would hit zero, I'd wear even less gear. I finished my senior season with a nike dryfit heat gear shirt under a set of pads and an underarmor duke. That's all I'd wear and it felt great. I'd sweat and feel my practice jersey freezing where it didn't always have contact with my body. I felt like a new man.

What does that mean for me now? I can deal with so much lower temperatures than most people that it makes me look like a good guy. I can give up my jacket, gloves, hat, whatever to someone less cold tolerant than myself. Do I feel the cold? Yes. It fucking sucks, but it is permanently written into the base of my soul that when I'm that cold it's good, so if someone else needs warmth, they can have whatever I've got. I'll suck it up. That has a lot to do with the fact that I'd rather suffer than watch anyone else suffering, but seeing as it's just weather, it's easy stuff.

I was talking to my grandmother tonight after dinner and she asked me how the heat is in my apartment. I told her the truth... I don't know. I still sleep with a window open. As I said above, I love the feeling of bundling up. It's having controll over how you feel which is something I lack in the summertime. Nothing feels better than a cold night and a warm stack of heavy blankets.

Ehem... back to what I wanted to get into: The time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I had my first taste of what real life is like during this time last year when I worked every day but christmas eve. Ever since I was born I've had at least a week off surrounding Christmas. That was the time I could forget about school, sports, girls, whatever and just sit at home baking cookies with my mom and watching stupid movies with my dad. It was all sweat pants and scrambled eggs at noon. Last year it was surfing the web at my kiosk and praying that we'd make some sales. This year it's busines suits and cold calling. I guess the need for a week of time with my family during this time will fade as the years go by, but having to work around the holidays makes them less important to me. I used to seriously feel like everything I did was about love and family. I'd get home and just be happy to be in my own bed in my own house surrounded by the people who mean the most to me, now I get to have dinner with family and then drive back here where I don't even have a single decoration on the walls. Last year I barely even had a holiday. It was just one day I didn't have to drive into PA to sit in my store and get hollered at.

I don't think it's going to be as bad this year. My job is very good and there will be a nice 3 day weekend for Christmas, but I don't really get the Christmas feeling looking forward to just Christmas day. I like looking forward to the break, to the time when all that matters is family, to the relaxation, to the time that lets me reset myself and get back ready to go for January. Looking forward to 1 day off from work and 1 day with my family just doesn't feel the same.

It also sucks when I don't have any money socked away for Christmas gifts. This is the time of year I like to show how much people mean to me by finding them a little something that shows I was thinking about them. This year it's going to be reaaaaal tight so I doubt I'll be able to do much of anything.

Well, I've let this post ramble on as I fly through www.ytmnd.com and blab away on AIM. I'll try to focus better for the next post.

Basically, if you didn't read this at all, I miss my time off for Christmas. The end.

Just Wastin Time

2005-11-21T22:25:00.000-05:00

I've decided that the theme song of this month is Killin Time by Zakk Wyle's Black Label Society. His guitar solo is something that could be playing in my head all day long and I'd be totally cool with it.

I'm starting to feel like I'm here to waste time. Guess it fits with the title of this piece of shit blog, but it's becoming a way of life.

I started thinking today at work while I was blowing an hour on yahoo news that I wanted to go home. I then thought about WHY. Wasn't really sure. Was looking forward to some things, and trying to be optimistic, but it becomes increasingly hard to count on things. Take 1 part lack of self confidence in situations where I'm putting out effort, 1 part not really talking to anyone about it, and 10 parts having plenty of time to think and you get a silly feeling of needing reasurance for stuff. That could be anything. I'm a worrier by nature. It's that formula I outlined above. I find something I want and when it's something difficult I need to know I'm doing things right. I HATE cold calling. I used to think it was just a necessary evil, but it's becoming so hard to wake up and know that's what I have to do all day. Why? Because 1. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, 2. There's nobody to talk about it with, 3. I have a shitload of time to myself to think about it. That's a great example of how things get to become an issue in my life. Work isn't the only one, believe me, there are plenty of things in my life that fit that formula well.

Off topic... returning... so anyways, I was wondering why I was so ready to go home. I've cut back on doing things in my apartment and have been branching out and trying to find other shit to do. I've been running stairs in my building when it's raining or freezing out (which has been every fucking night... mother nature, you bitch) and I've been leaving town more. Even if it's only to hit the grocery store for some little things I'm finding ways out of the apartment. When I'm in here I'm trying to do shit other than waste away in front of this computer. For one, I hate the image it projects... especially when meeting new people. Being in front of this computer, if it's downloading music, TV shows, reading up on stuff, writting here, playing games, or whatever... I'm still in front of a computer. The games thing bothers me a lot now. I guess it's because if I'm playing EverQuest and someone asks me what I'm doing and I'm honest I feel like I've just lost about half of all earned street cred. I was a fucking pro football player for christ's sake. Can't a man play a game? I don't think I've been judged too harshly yet, but I feel that gross bubbling sickness feeling in my stomach anytime someone sees that I have an xbox with a live headset out. I promptly put anything game related away when friends are coming over. I never know what they see and with my current doubts about my physical apearance I really don't want to fuck anything else up.

OK, off topic again... coming back...

So, when I realized I wasn't sure why I was looking forward to going home it made me feel stupid for wanting to go home. Why not spend all my waking hours on the phone bringing in business? I don't really have much to come home to. The things I really look forward to are in the future (and the weekends), so the here and now really doesn't give me much to do but watch the clock spin and go to bed. That's another reason why Killin Time is now the theme song of the month.

This whole job thing is causing me to readjust my annual internal clock. I get this ansy feeling every summer to get into the gym and get ready for the fall. Then the winter comes and it's basketball and workout time again until the spring when it's straight weights until mid summer when it's back to running and lifting and then we start again. The summer means freedom and play time. The fall means serious business, parties, class. The winter means family, relaxation, baking christmas cookies and listening to Bing Crosby. The spring is fun, conditioning, parties, nice weather, vacation, more parties, and preparation for summer. Every year means I elevate to another level of whatever the hell I'm doing. Every fall means the old job is gone and the serious business can start again.

Now it's like this: Fall means work, winter means work, spring means work, summer means work. Next year will be the same as this year. Rinse. Repeat.

Of course at this job I should be spiraling upwards towards a life that I read about in magazines, but when you're being told to fuck off 200 times a day (or 100 like the past week) it makes it hard to believe that one day you'll be there. There's no guarante that next year you'll be a sophomore and no longer the whipping boy. There's no guarantee that once the senior graudates you get his position because you have worked hard. There's no new group of people to party with coming in every year.

Then there's living alone:

That's about what it's like. I realize what I'm doing now and I have to stop. I'm talking Helder and Joe's ears off because those are the only people I really talk to on a daily basis. When I tell a story that happened today that relates to something that happened a week ago they are the only ones that don't need the back story. They are the only ones that will be there to bust my balls when I do something stupid and the only ones that have my back when I'm having a horrible day. I'm planning to do somehting nice for the both of them this holiday season, but it's going to basically be construction paper and painted pasta because I don't have shit to spend. I'll leave it at that. Who knows who reads this. So anyways, I talk to them because I'm using them as my release. I'm also stopping them from getting shit done. I know they are serious about this career just like I am, and it's not helping anyone that I talk so much. I'm going to try to keep a lot more shit quiet and then come on here and talk to you guys... whoever you are.

I need to talk to someone once and a while just to clear the stupid things I have stored in my head once and a while. I'm notorious for talking too much and being too open and too honest. I let people in too fast. Helder and Joe are like brothers now, but I need to stop letting my lack of talk targets get in their way. Plus, if I act like I CAN'T talk to them then maybe I'll get more done too. We'll see how this goes.

On another note, I've been linked to again. It always makes me smile when someone enjoys themself here enough to post a link to me on their own site. I can't tell if my bitching is pathetic enough to make me comical or if it's something I've said or done that has entertained someone enough to actually want to come back, but I'm going to post the link to her site tonight. I've already posted for her to holler at me if I don't do it, and remembering now is half the battle.

Oh, and my sleep study was moved up to the 30th. Now I get to go in a little earlier. I'm happy about that because the longer I'm a sleepless cafinated nervous worrying pussy the longer I'm not doing my job to the best of my ability and the longer I don't have the motivation to get out and do shit and the longer until I'm really 100% happy. Now that I've actually pinpointed that there is a problem with my sleep I won't be happy until it's fixed. I can be happy with situations, but to be completely happy I will lay in bed, close my eyes, and wake up the next morning refreshed and recharged... ready to take on a new day that has the opportunity to be the best day of my life. Right now I go to bed pissed that I didn't get everything done that I had planned to do and then wake up feeling like someone beat my fucking ass.

Speaking of, the garbage men fucked up with the fork of the dumpster lifting arm and had to actually BANG THE STEEL DUMPSTER ON THE GROUND TO GET IT FREE. Picture a young child with a burnt up marshmello on a stick trying to get it off without touching it by smacking it on the ground over and over. That's what they did... WITH A MASSIVE STEEL DUMPSTER. But that wasn't the first time I was woken up last night. When that dude came up to ask me about a loud thumping and then loud footsteps I was basically like, "not me, mac" and went back to bed. Last night I woke up at 3something in the morning to what sounded like someone using a sledgehammer to break into my apartment and then loud footsteps. Again, my first instinct was get up and protect the ocupants of your place... just like it would have been in any other situation in my life when I've had people to protect. (I've actually walked through scenarios where someone breaks into my folk's house and I had to fight someone off... O Line syndrome) So I get out of bed and walk into the living room. The sound wasn't actually coming from my door or wall like it sounded. It could have been outside, above, below, wherever, but it shot me into battle mode faster than even the guy yelling at me through the door. I called my super tonight to let him know that some dickface is making a career out of breaking rocks in his apartment at 3am. Phone calls were not immediately returned by the super. (I learned that from the AP.) So we'll see what happens with that. So today after work I stopped by downstairs to see if that was the same noise they heard the other night. The girl that answered the door told me she wasn't sure, but that she wasn't staying there with her boyfriend anymore (actual words, "We're staying in Jersey City at my place from now on and we're looking at houses.) Please note the two WEs. I just reread that and it didn't sound as bad as when she said it. She had that girlfriendy twang that said it in an annoying fashion. Long story short, she said they hadn't slept through a night in a year. I haven't heard shit until people starting pointing things out to me. It's been like the fucking halls of solitude for months with the exception of garbage day... monday... 7am. I've been woken up twice because of The Thumper THIS WEEK. So when I asked her about the noise she said she heard a lot more than I did. She said she heard the thumping and stomping, but she also heard someone screaming and made it sound like murders were going on in my apartment building. Whatever. I've been here since May and I've been woken up by noise 1 time. I've never EVER heard anything else. I think I can live with one wakeup every 6 months. I think she's a little over the top with her description, but I wanted to make sure I logged my complaint along side anyone elses so I don't end up with angry people at my door in the dark of night... again.

Just got a phonecall that I was looking forward to.

On that note

Drawn Together

2005-11-17T23:52:00.000-05:00

I decided I'd just kick back and watch some episodes of Drawn Together tonight. That show is insane. I don't know if I like it or not, but I can't stop watching it. It's a running gay joke for the most part, but there is some real funny shit going on. I watched most of the first season and as it went on there was less stuff I found really funny, but the first few episodes are fantastic. That little stupid pokemon thing, Ling Ling, is quite possibly the funniest character on the whole show. He goes from wanting to destroy everyone to being held like a kitten. There's also something about someone speaking a foriegn language with subtitles and constantly being misquoted that's hilarious. It's the stupid shit that gets me.

I'm going to see if I can't get ahold of some episodes from season 2 tomorrow.

Great read, isn't it?

Suddenly Grey

2005-11-16T23:53:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of those moments where nothing happens, nothing has changed, but you all of a sudden just feel shitty? I don't know why, but about 20 minutes ago my mood just went from regular old day to feeling like garbage. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I need to do something, but then I try to think of what that thing is and nothing comes to mind. I feel like I need a change, but I don't know what to change. I just kind of let nights like this go by and hope for a better tomorrow, but something's got to give.

Like I said though, nothing has changed. Nothing happened. Nothing new is on my mind. Just WHAM! Hit by a sinking feeling like a dump truck full of bricks just earholed me at 95mph.

That's a good sign that I should go to bed. Goodnight, everyone.

Answer?

2005-11-16T17:19:00.000-05:00

OK, I went to the doctor... the wrong doctor. Last Tuesday I got a call from a nurse that said she was from the Morristown Medical Center and she set an appointment for me to meet with a doctor at their facility today at 2pm. So, today at 1:30PM I left work and went over to the morristown medical center to meet with the doctor. The nurse weighed me in (2lbs down in 2 weeks.. but who gives a shit) and took my blood pressure (higher than last time). Then I sat on the table on the paper and waited. 20 minutes later the doctor comes in and says I'm at the wrong place. She tells me that I had an appointment with Dr. Epstein at the sleep center and that I had missed the appointment and had to reschedule. Furious. So, I get up and run over to the sleep center, take the elevator to the 5th floor and go talk to the receptionist. I tell her my deal and she says that I "probably have to rescedule my appointment." This is where I took a page out of my FC training and said, "I'm not going to reschedule. This is very important to me. I will wait." I was firm and told her exactly what I expected. She then spoke with the doctor and told me that it would be a few minutes to sit in the waiting room.

The waiting room was the same place I watched the video the last time I was there. I sat down accross from a man who must have weighed 400lbs (with a beard... I'll explain later) and read a copy of Time magazine (which I don't like at all) until the doctor came in and got me. He stands a solid 5'3" and couldn't have weighed more than 115lbs soaking wet. He is TINY. So I sit down with him and I expect a 10 minute "this is what's wrong, this is what we're going to do about it" but I get a very different treatment. We sat and talked about a ton of different shit and then he weighed me and took my blood pressure again. He also made me breath fast, hold my breath, listened to my breathing, tapped on my knee with that little rubber mallet, and then went back to talking. It was at least an hour before he took out my results. As it turns out, he said I do have sleep apnea, but I'm borderline. As in it's not so bad at all. Now I'm sweating. Is my lack of motivation and my constant sleepiness just part of who I am? I really thought my greatest fear throughout this whole process was going to come true. Then he went right back into questioning.

He said, and was the 5th person to tell me, that alcohol made this whole thing worse. Finally I had the balls to say, "So if I want to be a healthy and happy person I have to stop drinking 100%? I don't think that's fair. There has to be something else stopping me from sleeping besides the beer I'll drink every so often." "Well, I have more questions for you first."

We went over stuff like how much I exercize, how much I sleep, what I do for a living, my family, and all sorts of other shit that had some connection to the situation at hand. Finally, we got to solutions. He told me that because my sleep apnea was not severe, it might not be the sleep apnea stopping me from resting and asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with any psycological problems. I said no, and he changed the subject. There are 3 options he proposed. He said surgery is difficult, doesn't work, and is not something he'd persue. As I've said, I was hoping that would be the solution, but he really didn't think it'd help. Then there is a mouthpiece similar to the one I wore playing football that would move my jaw foward while I sleep and stop my fat neck from closing up, but it costs a grand, must be paid for up front, and doesn't always work (especially because of the way my teeth are situated according to the Doc). Option 3 is the CPAP mask. He told me like this, if I come back and run another test and the mask fixes the apnea problem, I go home and get used to it over a couple weeks, and I feel like a new man then I can say with certainty that the apnea is the problem and we can try the mouthpiece. If it doesn't work, then the apnea's not the problem.

Uh oh. If it's not the apnea, do I just live with it? Well, I didn't get a chance to ask that question because he was rushing me out the door. When he was filling out a prescription for someone else I got a second to ask, "So, if it's not the apnea, do I just have to live with it?" "No, it's blabalagblabalaglakhsgasdfklhg nagoiaghaogihdna;' ang;'sdklgyhagoh and it's very common among healthy young females. In that case, we use medication." So, from my research, I'm either a middle aged, overweight man with a fat neck or a healthy young female. Interesting. I don't know which one is worse.

I have no idea what to think at this point. All I know is that I have to go back on December 5th for another sleep study only this time I wear a CPAP thing on my nose while I sleep. It seems like one way or the other I'm going home with a CPAP machine, I don't see why they didn't just order me one today. I guess they want to know for sure that it's going to work first.

When I was setting up the next study I tried to use a little charm on the ladies I was short with before and it worked. I was being nice to them and when she said december 5 I was like, "That's the earliest? Are you sure you couldn't sneak me in a bit earlier?" "Well... we have a ton of cancellations, would you want to be brought in earlier on short notice?" "I live on the other side of the green. You give me 7 minutes notice and I'll run over and sleep here instead." "OK, I'll let you know." So hopefully I'll get in early, but it looks like the saga continues to the 5th of December.

In other news, I left my cell phone on my desk and didn't want to go back at 5 and get it. I am always expecting a call, but I rarely get any, so it's really bothering me that I don't have it. The people I want to hear from are normally on AIM anyways, so I'll just have to do my chatting online tonight. I do enough on the phones as it is I guess, but it's KILLING ME that I can't reach out and grab my phone. I need 100% availability 100% of the time or I feel like I'm going to miss something. bleh.

Tomorrow, 2pm

2005-11-16T00:02:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I leave work at 1:30 for the doctor's office. Hopefully an hour from leaving my desk I'll have a solution to my sleep issues. I guess they aren't super serious seeing as the Good Doctor decided to wait over a week to give me the damn results, but I'm hoping he tells me my condition is awful. At least that way I'll have an excuse for days like today.

I seriously thought I was drugged. I started wondering if something I ate last night or the old coffee I drank this morning had something rotten or seriously wrong with it. I woke up at 8:30... after my alarm had been BLARING since 7. I haven't had a problem waking up now that I've tweaked a few things, but today I slept right through, got up, got ready for work, left, sat at my desk, and felt the room spin for the entire day. I don't know what the hell was wrong with me, but I seriously had a moment where I did a mental inventory of everything I had put into myself in the past 24 hours to figure out if something was drugging me. I didn't even have a beer yesterday, so it wasn't alcohol. I didn't eat anything strange, I didn't drink anything that would have hurt my sleep or made me feel weird in the morning. I am still shocked at how bad I felt all day. It was basically like I had slept on a pile of rocks and woke up to a solid drug cocktail.

I am still feeling like things are just one click off from where they should be, but I'm going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a good morning of work and a good afternoon of finally knowing what's wrong with me.

Again, I have to rehash my fear that I'm going to hear, "hey, just noticed something... you're a fat fuck. Lose weight and call me in the morning." or "Well, there's nothing wrong with you physically... it must be in your head." or "I don't see any problem at all... you just need to sleep more." If I don't get a response like, "Your problem is X and I'm going to reccomend Y which should fix it forever" I'm going to blow a fuse.

hmm...

2005-11-15T00:57:00.000-05:00

Ever say something innocent and then realize days later how it might have sounded innapropriate to someone else? I hate when I try because I over analyize everything. I might or might not have come accross as a creep recently. I'll have to figure it out, but how to do so without making it sound like you're back peddling from an off color comment? It's almost like bringing it up validates that you said something wrong when it really wasn't meant as anything. Bah.

ualuealuealeuale

Screw watching a movie tonight

2005-11-10T23:22:00.000-05:00

I actually was going to watch a movie tonight. I was getting into Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon when Cousin Tony decided the movie was for the birds, so I was going to finish it tonight. Then I found a couple sites that have kept my interest all night. 4chan.org has a ton of cool forums on it. Most of the forums are adult in nature, but the tech and weapons boards had a lot of very intelligent people posting real information and pics. Cool, cool stuff. One of the discussions was about the use of door breaching shotguns in the military. It had a link to THIS PAGE which I then proceded to read for the next couple of hours leading up to now. I'm making a conscious effort to go to bed earlier than normal tonight, so after I share this post I'm between the sheets.

Goodnight, yos

Forgot to mention

2005-11-10T19:13:00.000-05:00

Here is a link I wanted to post in the last entry. It's a list of different treatments for sleep apnea. Which one is for me? We'll know on Wednesday:

HOW SLEEP APNEA IS TREATED

And the results are in...

2005-11-10T18:28:00.000-05:00

... and that's all I know.

I got a call from my doctor's office and the lady said the results of my sleep study are in. Here's how the conversation went:

"... speaking."

Nurse: Hi this is SomeNurse from Dr. Cioci's office. I'm calling to schedule a consultation.

Me: ... OH, my results from the sleep study must be in then, right?

Nurse: Yes, they are in. How does Wednesday the 17th at 2pm sound?

Me: There's nothing earlier than next Wednesday?

Nurse: There is, but they are morning appointments at another office.

Me: Great, so when's the earliest I can have my consultation?

Nurse: Wednesday the 17th at 2pm... it's just next Wednesday.

Me: but... ok, wednesday the 17th at 2pm it is.

Nurse: OK, see you on Wednesday.

Me: So... the results are in? What did they say?

Nurse: You'll know on Wednesday the 17th at 2pm. Goodbye.

I am just so excited to be doing something for myself. I wish someone would entertain my curiosity. So that's all I am going to know until wednesday.

I am figuring out exactly how much sleep I need to be awake at work. I went to bed early on Tuesday (between 10:30 and 11) and felt great, so I figured I'd be fine going to bed at midnight last night... I was wrong. I was wiped out at work again today. I think I'll try a little earlier than 10:30 tonight, but there are things I like to do that don't always fit into a good sleep schedule, so we'll have to see.

I'm going to let you guys in on my mental process here. I hate sleeping. I hate going to bed. I hate setting my alarm. I hate everything to do with bed. (When you have company it's a different story, but I still hate sleeping. The closeness you feel laying next to someone cannot adequetly be described by someone like myself with such a weak grip on grammar, but I really like that feeling.) So on a regular night, here's how I decide when to go to bed. Let's say for the sake of this post that I'm going to watch a movie tonight. The movie is 2 hours long. I also want to talk with a few people, do some dishes, clean up a bit, read the news, and do some other bullshit online, but I want to have that all done before I kick back on the couch and pop in the DVD. Let's say what I had planned to do is taking longer than expected and it's now 10:30 and I haven't started the movie yet. I take inventory of how I feel at this exact moment and realize I'm wide awake. I'm not tired at all and I'd really like to see the movie I had planned to watch. I look at the clock again and decide that I'm going to watch the movie anyway. Why? Because I know that if I go to bed NOW that I will wake up feeling like shit and that I will feel like I missed out on enjoying myself during the few hours that I am awake and rarin to go. If I'm going to feel like shit anyway, why not enjoy myself now? So the movie goes in, I watch it in its entirety, and now it's 12:30 in the morning. I turn off the TV and DVD player, go over and shut off Mao and Frank's light and then move over to my desk to turn off my 10 gal tank's light. This, of course forces me to check my AIM buddy list, hotmail, gmail, and blog counter/tracker to see if certain people are on, if anyone has emailed me, and how many people have read this ol site. That normally gets me going and I'll check out a few of my regular sites like fark.com or yahoo news. Now I look up at the clock again because I'm starting to feel a little tired. It's 2:30 in the morning. My alarm will be going off in 5 hours and I should be at my desk in less than 6 hours. I know I'm going to feel like shit at 7:30 if I get up at all, but at least I enjoyed my night, right? Well... no matter how hard I try, some nights just feel like a waste. I always feel like I could do more.

So that's how it goes. 10pm I'm thinking, "hey, this would be a great time to go to sleep. You'll feel great tomorrow!" But that all get's overwritten by "fuck that shit, you know you need way more sleep in a night than you can get going to bed now. Enjoy your night. Do whatever the fuck you want to do! YARGH!" BTW, my angel and devil that pop up on opposite shoulders are not exactly angels and devils. It's more like a Nerd and a Pirate. If I only could master flash animation I'd have a ton of funny little movies to make. I think in technocolor cartoons from the 40s (think Yosimite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, and Popeye) and some shit that I see in my head would make excellent short cartoon fodder. I digress. Anyways, another reason I hate going to bed is that I have no idea how I'm going to wake up. Time plays a big part, but it's no more than half the battle. The depth of my sleep is like throwing the dice. One night I'll go to bed at 11pm and wake up feeling great and the next I'll go to bed at 11pm and wake up feeling like shit. Both days will be the exact same for all intensive purposes but the results are very different. Because I always believe things are going to go my way I just bank on the fact that I'll sleep really well if I want to stay up late. That's not the case 90% of the time, but for some reason my brain refuses to understand the situation.

This post is only getting worse and worse as I type. I'm going to make some phonecalls and clean this dump up a bit.

Knock Knock...

2005-11-09T19:07:00.000-05:00

So I went to bed early last night. I was feeling pretty good about having 9 hours left to sleep when I layed down and was confident I was going to have a very good day at work today.

So I fall fast asleep. The hours pass. I have a dream where I hear a very loud and clear doorbell. I wake up for a split second, look at the clock, see it's 5am and realize that nobody rings my doorbell in the middle of the morning. 10 minutes later, the same thing. Vivid dream of a doorbell. Then it happens again, and again and again. Every 10 minutes my doorbell rings. I thought I was going insane for 2 reasons: 1. The doorbell is in my head. 2. Nobody would even be so detailed as ring (or to dream that someone was ringing) my doorbell every 10 minutes to the second.

Finally, after about an hour I hear an angry, "YO! YOU IN THERE???" Come through my door. I all of a sudden realized that this wasn't a dream. It was an angry guy at my door trying to wake me up at 5am for some reason. I couldn't think of any reason but to fight, so I put on some shorts because I've seen too many episodes of cops to walk out there in my drawers only to be dragged away in cuffs with yambag flopping around on national television. I look through the peephole and he was standing dangerously close to my door, but about 1/3rd my size. I step aside and swing it open and say abruptly, "WHAT???" He looks straight into my chest, takes a startled step back, and then starts shaking. I realized I was in no danger and let my guard down. I still had no idea why he was standing there, but my one word greeting should have given him a good idea what to do next. He just stands there wringing his hands and trembling.

He looked to be about my age, maybe a year younger or older, had a light beard and stood a skinny 5'9". He was dressed in typical college guy clothes of sweats, flip flops, and a sweatshirt with a logo accross the chest I didnt' bother reading. The only thing I was sure of was that the hour he spent trying to wake me up made him a little too brave, and he knew it.

I dropped my aggressive stance the second I realized the tough guy who had been trying to wake me up realized he had got himself in a world of trouble.

He still didn't say anything, so I asked in a kinder tone, "So, what can I help you with?"

"well... I was... um... downstairs and we... uh... I... heard some loud walking or thumping or something... uh... from... your apartment... around... 4am or so..."

"I was in bed at 10:30, pal, you've got the wrong guy."

"this is... um... probably... well, most surely... maybe not you... but yeah... something like... the.... 10th time it's happened... or something... so if you could."

"If I could what? I just told you I was in bed at 10:30 last night and there was nothing on, running, or moving in this apartment until you decided it was time to wake me up. I don't know what to tell you."

"well... um... there was thumping and loud walking..."

"stop right there, champ, you live on the first floor of a 5 story apartment complex next to the stairwell and you are 100% sure that me sleeping in my bed sounded like thumping and loud steps?"

"uh... maybe it was someone else... I dont' know... but we heard loud thumping and footsteps..."

"I'm glad you came directly to me with your problem. I'm also glad you were so polite in explaining to me what your problem happens to be. I'm also glad to see that we both now know that there was nothing coming from my apartment at 4am this morning. But, if you come up here ringing my doorbell and yelling through my door before the sun comes up again you and I are going to have problems"

"..."

"so have a nice morning, and don't hesistate to bring any further problems to my attention. If there is anything I can do for you, I'll be happy to help."

"... so what time do you wake up in the morning?"

"Not that it matters, but I normally sleep until 7 or 7:30... 2 and a half hours from now."

"I'm Mike."

"I'm NJX70... beat it."

before I had properly pronounced the letter T in it's entirety he was gone.

I don't like to take such an aggressive stance with people, but when you have an unexpected visitor during the darkness of early morning who's yelling at you through your door and ringing your doorbell over and over it makes sense to be ready for anything.

Crouching Tony, Hidden Boredom

2005-11-08T23:02:00.000-05:00

I have to appologize for my lack of motivation to post recently. Things have been crazy around here. Not so much, but enough to keep me up late and off blogger.

Yesterday Cousin Tony came over to watch a movie. He had never seen Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon (which is one of my favorites) and I have the DVD, so we set a time, ordered a pizza and went to town. He had a good time, I got to have a nice conversation or two with him about girls, friends, work, a lot of stuff, and then we put on the movie and he hated it. About a half hour into the movie he was making fake snoring sounds and laughing. Then he told me "the movie makes me sleepy" so I took his ass home. He mocked me for liking the movie and said it was very boring. I can't think of many movies that are less boring, but if you've seen it, you know a big part of the drama is 2 love stories and a few stories of revenge. All of that with English voice overs due to the fact that Cousin Tony would struggle with the subtitles = not exactly what he thought he was getting into. I got served.

One thing I found very interesting was his interest in why things didn't work out with my ex. I tried to explain to him that she wasn't sure what she was looking for and through trial and error realized I'm not that guy. I said she wasn't happy and wanted to live her life without me. None of that meant anything to him. He didn't understand, and without any experience at all, I can't blame him. Then I said that she wanted to go back to CO and that I like living in NJ so much that she didn't believe that I would be happy in CO. That made sense to him, but he didn't know where CO is. I told him that if you drove to north carolina, came home, drove back to north carolina, and came home again it would be about that long a car ride and that made perfect sense to him. He repeated back to me, "So she wants to live far away and you want to stay here close to us? You're my cousin, you have to live close enough for us to hang out." He's right.

Equally shocking was that it didn't bother me to talk about it at all. He had a genuine interest in what happened between us. He didn't understand how all of a sudden things could be so different. I explained it wasn't really all of a sudden, it was over a long time. He has a girl in his life now too and I think he's doing research into how things work because he has no clue. I believe 100% that it's very innocent and is just a co-ed friendship, but he said he's thinking about asking her to the prom. The timing of his questions made me think he was asking me why my ex left me so that he could make sure it didn't happen to him and his lady friend. I could be totally wrong, but it makes sense if I thought about myself in middle school. He reminds me of myself when I was that age, so it's very reasonable to draw that conclusion.

This weekend is really looking up. I should have the results of my sleep study by then (but with my luck I won't) and I allready have plans... (:

.....yarrrrghhhh it's driving me nuts

And in other news tonight...

2005-11-07T19:01:00.000-05:00

Click the title of this post. You will not be dissapointed.

The Sleep Study

2005-11-07T06:21:00.000-05:00

Last night I finally went to my sleep study. I'm going to do my best to go through the thing clearly so anyone who finds their way here searching for "sleep study" will understand exactly what they're getting into.

First of all, this week I got a packet in the mail that had a bunch of forms and surveys that I had to fill out and give to the tech when I got there. They asked questions like how many alcoholic beverages do I drink per week, how many cafinated drinks, how much exercise, what time do I typically go to bed and when do I wake up, all that stuff. Then it asked more subjective questions like how rested do you feel when you wake up in the morning and how would you rate a typical night's sleep. It took me a good half hour to go through and fill everything out, but it was simple.

One of the pages told me what to expect and what to bring along with me to the center. It basically said that I would be sleeping with sensors on me similar to an EKG and that someone would be monitoring a video and audio feed from my bedroom. It told me to wear comfortable clothes, bring whatever I wanted to sleep in and a pillow if that would help. The last thing on the sheet which I didn't realize was there until about 30 minutes from when I had to leave was that you have to take a shower before going in to make sure that all the stuff sticks to your head.

So I hopped in the shower, cleaned up, put on some easy to sleep in clothes, and was off. The center is only 5 minutes from my apartment and according to signs all over the place it's the number 1 sleep center in America. I guess I chose the right place. I parked accross the street and walked in.

My tech's name was Brian. He was an older gentleman and was very nice. He gave me a few more pieces of paper to fill out including one that said I wasn't going to sue anybody and that I would pay for their services. The one that actually had to do with sleep was funny. It asked me about all the drugs and booze I've put down in the past 8 hours. Then it asked me how I was feeling at that second. "How tired are you now? []A little []Very []Extremely" "How sleepy do you feel right now?" That kind of stuff.

Once my paperwork was in order I had to go sit in a little room and watch a 10 minute video on sleep studies. It was actually an infomertial from one of the CPAP makers, but the first half was a fake case study involving a dude that had sleep apnea and the stuff he was dealing with before and after the study. They showed one scene that hit home. The VO said something like, "Steve could fall asleep doing anything" and the video showed him dozing off during a card game. "His friends allways find it funny when he starts snoring, but it's not so funny to Steve." At this point everyone starts laughing and pointing out to the dude that he was snoring and he's just sitting there looking around going "I'm not sleeping" and one guy says, "I thought you only did that in board meetings" as they all laugh. I can't even tell you how many times shit like that has happened to me. If this ends up being the end of my sleepiness... but I digress. So the video goes on to show Steve doing a sleep study and then being fitted for a CPAP mask. The mask is a little triangle looking thing that goes over your nose and maintains pressure in your airway so it doesn't close off while you're sleeping. The last scene we watched was Steve outside clipping the bushes and he says some shit like, "Now I have the energy to do yardwork... take walks... have fun. I have the energy to enjoy my life and didn't even realize how much I was missing out on just because of sleep apnea." I want the energy to enjoy my life. That's why I did all this.

The video ends and Brian comes back in to get me. I go back in my room and he tells me to chill out for about a half hour and he'd be back in to wire me up so I could go to bed. At this point I sneak into the bathroom with my cell phone to make a call that I was really looking forward to making but realized I probably wasn't allowed to seeing as there was a big sign "NO CELLULAR PHONES!" I also snapped a few pictures at this stage of the evening:

This is the bed with hanging mic and straps that look like they are going to tie me down. You can see the clinical CPAP on the left of the night stand and the inputs for the wires on the right. As it turns out, those straps went around my chest and stomach and had sensors on them as well. I guess a lot of big dudes have sleep problems because I have quite a large torso and there was a ton of slack in the straps that had to be tightened out.

Here's a better picture of the tech gear next to the bed. The home CPAPs are smaller than this one, but this one is a clinical one that is used to monitor the effectiveness of the treatment while it's going on, so it's much different.

Here's the video camera that watched me all night and the speaker that Brian talked to me through while he was calibrating the equipment. We'll get to that soon.

Now I was left with a half hour to just chill out and watch TV. I put on some bullshit on the TV and nervously waited for Brian to come back. When he did he had me sit in a chair and started putting this goop in my hair and on my face that was used as a conductor between my skin and the sensors. The way he explained it was that the body puts out signals that are very very weak and this stuff is there to make them as clear as possible. His job throughout the night was to watch and make sure that the signals were as clear as possible. The reason you shower and he takes such care with the conductor goop is that any static in the signal, even if it's small, will be amplified right along with the good signals and make it hard to read. He said that even if I sweat he has ways to clear up the signal through the computers by changing things around digitally. His job sounds quiet, but pretty cool.

After about 10 minutes he was done sticking little metal things to my head, face, chest, and stomach. Here's how I looked:

It looks a lot more uncomfortable than it really was. The little metal wires didn't interfere with sleep at all. It just felt like I had tape on my head.

There's a shot of all the wires dangling off my dome piece.

Finally, it's sleep time. Brian has me lay in bed and hooks the two straps over my chest and starts plugging the wires that are dangling off my head into a little box that hangs off of the headboard of the bed. I have to say, the bed and the room were super comfortable. I couldn't have asked for a better place to sleep. I just hope that the comfort didn't make my sleep study look like nothing was wrong. It took a little while to get the wires right. One of the wires checks temperature and co2 output from my nose. It goes behind both of my ears and across my face, under my nose. It didn't go IN my nose, but the little prongs were just about touching it. That sensor was bad, so Brian had to come back in after testing out the system and replace it. It seriously looked like a piece of white string and he told me it costs about $200. It's amazing how much all this high tech shit costs.

Second one didn't work either. As it turns out I was distracting Brian too much with all my questions and he had plugged it in wrong.

Now I was wired up, under the sheets, lights off. Brian then came over the speaker and asked me to look around the room. He laughed and said my eyes were going all over the place allready. I have active eyes. I had to look up, down, left, right then move my legs (which also had sensors on them) from the ankle down, make a snoring sound, hold my breath for 5 seconds, and breathe through my nose. Everything was all good, so I was now set to go to sleep.

I had been laying in bed for a while now and was pretty damn ready to sleep. Saturday night I had a few too many cocktails, so I was exhausted on Sunday. I was out in less than 5 minutes. I remember waking up a couple times, but nothing beyond the norm. Only thing that bothered me was that I was conscious of pulling out wires, so if I wanted to roll over or shift around I had to pay attention to the cords and make sure I didn't yank anything. I had a few dreams too. A couple were bad, but I can't remember what they were. Same with the good ones. All I know is I had a few dreams. Why do I bring this up? Because it was on the outgoing questionaire.

All of a sudden the lights are on and Brian is standing in the room telling me it's all over. He unhooks me from a few wires and straps and I sit up so he can get the rest undone. I seriously barely remember him unhooking me. Then I sat down, filled out an exit questionaire and used a comb to get most of the goop out of my hair. I still need to take a shower to get the rest of the shit out, but it got most of it. Last night it looked like blue toothpaste, today it looked like paste you would use out of a glue stick. It had about the same consistancy too. The same guys I saw getting ready the night before were all doing the same things I was. They were sitting on their beds with tape on their heads waiting for their tech to come in and take it off. I snuck a peek at the files sitting at Brian's desk to see what was up. The guy in the next room had marked on the front of his folder "CPAP SLEEP APNEA" and mine said, "OBSTRUCTIVE SLEEP APNEA." No idea what that means or if it means anything at all.

Before leaving, Brian let me know that my O2 levels didn't drop down to the bottoms he's seen with other patients that were much worse, but that I did wake up several times and did stop breathing a lot. He let me know that the results would be formatted for viewing by my doctor and that I should be hearing from the medical center within a week. Sometimes it takes only a few days and others it could take up to a week and a half, but if I don't hear from my doctor in 2 weeks to give them a call. I told him that I had maintained my weight around 350lbs while I was playing ball and that when I got weighed in recently I was only 300 and he joked about the results saying, "I'd like to see how bad this was when you were THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS. lol."

So I made it out in one piece. The test was simple and really wasn't much of anything once everything was all set up. I thought it would have been harder to sleep or less comfortable a place, but the Morristown Rehabilitation Center really kicked a truck load of ass. I couldn't have asked for a nicer staff, better room, better explanation of what was going on, etc. It was actually kind of fun. At least now there is evidence of what's goin on instead of all speculation and amateur diagnosis.

I'm going to stop this snoring bullshit. Final stage is going to be hearing from my doctor and knowing exactly what to do. I'm so excited to finally be able to live a normal life. All you people out there that have been wondering where I've been... I'll be rarin to go soon.

NJX70.... OUT.

70

2005-11-05T02:03:00.000-05:00

FINALLY!

So much on my mind

2005-11-01T23:43:00.000-05:00

Well, I got more interesting news today. Another friend going through a hard time. I tried to help him by saying that no matter who makes what decision, endings are always hard. I don't know if it helped or not, but he sounds like he has things squared away.

There are so many people I care about that I want to be there for. I wish I could bear all of their pain myself and make it all go away.

I'm here for all of you.

Learning from myself

2005-11-01T01:27:00.000-05:00

I decided last night that I was tired of selecting every mp3 in my collection and hitting shuffle. I wanted to avoid certain songs I was simply tired of hearing that ALWAYS come up. So, I decided I'd sort the music differently. I tried to think of a time when things changed for me... and I didn't have to think about THAT one very long. I didn't remember what day my life changed. That was realization 1. I can tell you the date, time, temperature, score of the game, who scored the winning touchdown, etc about my first kiss, but losing my most serious girlfriend... I had to look it up on my blog. Anyways, I sorted by date and noticed I had pretty much stopped getting music for a long time and started back up again on the 22nd of March. So I just highlighted every song I had aquired from March 22nd to the present and hit shuffle/play. What I found is that the music I have discovered and have fallen in love with NOW is far better than what I used to listen to and I actually listen to every single song from beginning to end instead of constantly getting up to skip.

I'll always have a place in my heart for Elvis, Sinatra, DAC, etc, but the new stuff is so much fun to listen to. It's Black Label Society, New Pornographers, Bender, Gypsy Kings, Johhny Cash, Eric Prydz, Foo Fighters, Mad Capsul Markets, and a shit load more. I've grown as a music lover and have found a lot more things to flood my head with now in my single life than I ever did when I was romatically involved.

I decided I'd sort them backwards and listen to them chronologically. It's amazing, I can actually remember why I got every one of them and it was like reliving a hard but empowering time in my life. I am starting to realize the strength I'm building in myself. I still get very lonely every now and again, but I'm seeing things in myself that I never let myself see. I feel good about who I am. I make people around me laugh, I have so many great friends, and have been meeting a ton of people who's reaction to me has made me feel really good about myself. I even ran into some old friends I haven't seen in half a decade who were just as happy to see me as I was to see them. That sounds stupid, but it really made me feel good.

EDIT I've decided to change this post. I'm not even sure why, but this paragraph is gone.

Goodbye

One Week to Go

2005-10-31T01:00:00.000-05:00

This time next week I'll be sleeping with wires all over my shit trying to figure out why my time spent with my eyes closed hasn't been working properly. I'm a little nervous about it seeing as it's 1am and I am wired awake and didn't have a single drop of a caffeinated drink today. I have to be there by 9pm, so I'm guessing it would be a good idea to wake up bright and early next Sunday so I can actually lay still when I get into bed.

I don't know what to do for Halloween tomorrow. I have my own door, but I live in an apartment and I don't have any decorations, so I don't think I should get any trick or treaters. I'd like to have them stop by, but growing up we always stopped at the houses who had lights on. I never had any experience with apartment buildings. Plus, my building is full of the very old and the very just-graduated-college so there aren't many children who live here. I need to go to the store anyway, so if I go tomorrow I'll pick up a bag of candy just in case. My bet is that nobody stops by.

I guess I should talk a little more about the Halloween party at the bar last night. I got a call at 4pm from Curt with the message, "Halloween party at Murphy's Third Rail, meeting at Wally's new house at 8, be in costume." I don't have a costume, so I just wore my realtree greys and work boots (same shit I wore to play paintball). I was immediately dubbed "The MILF Hunter" when I got to Wally's place. According to the bar's doorwoman, camouflage doesn't count as a costume and I had to pay the $8 cover.

Little Dawggg was in town, so I called him up and told him where to meet us. He came too, but his costume was to dress the exact same as any other day and yell at people for not having a costume on. When asked, he was dressed as a porn star.

You can see pictures of Wally as Elvis, Curt as Jimmy Hendrix, Tara as a pirate, et all in my flickr photostream.

You know what else you can see in there? Pictures of a majority of the 1998 RHS State Championship Offensive Line. I ran into Maione and Stew! It was awesome to see them both and they are doing great. The both of them are helping out with Morristown's football team. Our D coordinator is head coaching there now. I also ran into a couple other dudes from high school that were hanging out with those two.

I also ran into Melissa. I had just been talking about her this week and then wham. There she is. Another really nice person I haven't had contact with since graduation and one of the few I really belive is truly nice, not just outwardly nice. She's working in an office in Flanders. She looks fantastic and still was just as much fun to have around as she was so many years ago.

Some people hate places that turn into high school reunions. I love em. I really like running into people that I knew back in the day. To this day I haven't had a more fun than I did in high school. Those were the days before bars and booze and relationships talking about marriage and interstate dating and bills and bullshit. Back then it was all about having fun and talking about what the future would bring. I miss that feeling. For me now, the future is either very clear (if I do well at my job) or very uncertain (if I don't).

This weekend was an all around success. I had such a good time. As with everything else in my life, once I have a chance to digest it I find places that could have stood some improvement, but that's just because I am always looking for ways to do things better.

I guess I have to relinquish my deathgrip on this weekend. I've been fighting against the truth that I have to go to bed, set my alarm, wake up, put on a suit, and go back to work all day, but I think it's time for me to throw up the French... er... white flag.

Goodnight

See This Band

2005-10-30T04:10:00.000-05:00

http://www.amishoutlaws.com/

This cover band rocks. Had a great time tonight. Don't want to go to bed, but I'm soooooooo tired. Hopefully I'll have the motivation to tell some stories tomorrow. For now, click over to my flickr photostream to see the shots I took.

Operation: Night's Sleep

2005-10-20T18:23:00.000-04:00

I went to the doctor over at Morristown Medical Center this morning and had a checkup. They needed my weight (300lbs) and blood pressure (I can't remember, but it was in the green!) and I sat and waited for the doc. She came in and asked me what I was experiencing. I told her like this:

If I didn't set an alarm I would sleep for 24 hours. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. Several people have told me I snore horribly and that I stop breathing for up to a few seconds throughout the night. I drink way too much coffee to get myself going and to maintain being alert. I never feel rested no matter what I do. I'm tired 100% of the time. I sleep through my alarm more and more. When I wake up I'm hitting the snooze button a dozen times before I freak out and realize I'm not going to have enough time to get to work. I can't live like this anymore.

She said, "here's a card for a sleep disorder center. That's sleep apnea."

I called the sleep disorder center and they had to call me back in an hour. I was on the phone with a client when they called so I had Helder pick up my phone. I call back, set up a date for a sleep study (November 6th. 9PM) and she starts explaining what they do. I come in by 9pm on Sunday the 6th. They give me a room with a small bathroom and TV and I stay the whole night. They hook up diodes similar to the ones they use for EKGs to my head, arms, and chest and I go to bed. I'm out of there between 6 and 6:30 in the morning and I'm done. The results are then read and "typed" by the staff at the sleep disorder center and they are sent to my doctor who will then get in contact with me. That should take a week. I was hoping I'd be well on my way to a good night's sleep by then, but I guess I've been living with this long enough to go another couple weeks.

Let me just tell you how excited I am to be getting this taken care of. I dream of being able to live a normal life where I wake up to an alarm, have a cup of coffee, and go to work feeling rested and awake. I can't even remember what that feels like. It's only got worse since high school and I NEVER feel like doing shit because I'm always running on E. On top of that I am very self conscious about my snoring. When I stay at a friend's place I always look for somewhere to crash far away from everyone else so I don't bother anybody. Even then I get the, "dude, you snore SO FUCKING LOUD." followed by an imitation every single time. It feels like it can't even be real that this can be stopped. It's almost like I'm getting a wish.

I'll keep everyone posted on any news. I'm sure someone will stumble here looking for sleep apnea information and hopefully I can give a first hand account as things are happening well enough to help people make their own decisions.

Going to Stop Snoring

2005-10-19T20:32:00.000-04:00

Today I made an appointment to see a doctor when I'm not sick. I'm finally going in to talk about what I can do to stop snoring and more importantly to fix my sleep apnea. I wake up more tired than when I went to bed and don't really wake up until I've drank an entire pot of coffee or so. I sleep through my alarm more and more. I can't focus in the morning. It's all bullshit. I've answered yes to every single question on every single sleep apnea checklist and I have witnesses who say that I stop breathing when I'm asleep. I'm going to lose my job if I'm only affective for 4 hours a day. Let's just pray that the end result is surgery that fixes my stupid breathing and lets me live a normal life.

Cleaning is for the birds

2005-10-16T23:43:00.000-04:00

I never thought I'd have to clean everything for so long. I figured I'd barely mess anything up around here, but if I don't stay on top of things, I end up with a disaster area and an all day cleaning fest. Isn't that fun and exciting? Well, that's about all I have, but I can never let go of the weekend on Sunday night and end up staying up late doing nothing.

Did a lil of this and lil of that this weekend. Really nothing worth putting in type. I did have a great day at work on Friday. Unfortunately that came with a side of death(?). I was going out to an appointment and saw an end over accident with 2 SUVs. It took a chunk out of the highway and backed traffic up on all major alternatives to 80. When I got there there weren't even any emergency workers on the scene yet. Someone was talking to the driver of the one car, and he looked like he was alert in the driver's seat, but I do my best to stop rubber necking, so I fired by as fast as I could. When you see shit like that it makes you wonder. I'm sure they didn't see it coming or have any idea that it was going to turn out like that. They could have been perfect drivers and then something bad happens and wham. It did rain all week and bring up all the oil out of the pavement. I've been noticing my back wheels trying to break free when I take turns and whatnot since the rains came through. Hopefully it will stay clear for a few days.

I didn't look up any information on the crash. I would rather walk away knowing that the dude was alive when I passed by and that people were taking care of him than to read somewhere that he died.

After that shit I met with a client, did a couple drop ins, stopped by to see some people that may become clients from my network, and ended up back at my apartment around 6. I was going to go back to the office, but after a 20 minute drive took 2 hours I was in no mood. I know my boss is going to bust my balls just because I did a good job with everything else. The better you do, the more stupid shit he finds to pester you with. He grilled me on what I was doing before I left and when I had perfect answers to all his questions he told me, "button your top button" because it was friday and I had my top button undone on my suit before my apointment. He had nothing else to bust me about, so he says, "button your top button." All I can say is, "LOL."

OOOOOOOOOOOk. I'm done.

Weather sucks

2005-10-12T00:12:00.000-04:00

What's amazing about us as people is that we have always, and will always be influenced by the weather. I don't think the temperature has changed in my apartment in months. I run the AC in my truck during my 5 minute drive. I sit in an "air conditioned" office all day. Why is it when the weather is dark and shitty that I feel like I can't move? I tried hard to get shit done today at work, but every time I put my head down and started plowing ahead, something knocked me off track. I did do much better today than yesterday, but still not where I want to be.

Only real news from today is that my stupid hood on my stupid 10 gallon tank went out. That makes 6 bulbs that have burnt out this month in my apartment. It's like the second the summer was over all my lightbulbs went on vacation. I really don't want to replace the hood as of yet, so I'm going to try to fix it, but the chances of that working out are slim. Plus, it's electricity and water, so if I don't post for a while... send an ambulance.

My friend Mike gave me a call today. He just got back home to Texas. It feels like paintball was months ago. It doesn't feel like he was just out here. It's almost like time flys, but it feels like forever. I guess when you are always forward looking your time sensors get thrown off. I'm always looking forward to something. I think that's how I get by.

I've also noticed that my writing has sucked ass recently. I appologize, but YOU decided to stop by, so YOU suffer.

It's 1AM and...

2005-10-11T00:56:00.000-04:00

I have decided it's a good time to post a note to this ol blog.

I asked a couple people today if they knew that it was supposed to rain on Saturday. Everyone I asked said, "You didn't? I heard it was supposed to drop 8 inches." Of course I didn't know it was going to rain... at least not like THAT. So, why is the perfect storm significant? Because I went to NYC for another great night out and NYC means walking. I don't own an umbrella because I love the feeling of rain and I own a gortex jacket. I never really expected to be walking around in the eye of a hurricane. I guess the people at gortex weren't expecting me to either.

Here's the story. We meet up, it's raining. She has an umbrella because she has some sense. We walk to a diner in your everyday shower. We leave the diner, still raining, but not really hard enough to make you think twice about it. We walk down to a bar (allegidly an NYU bar) and have a few drinks. 9:30 rolls around and I have to get going so we leave the bar... into the ultimate rain storm. I then proceded to walk the 5 or 6 blocks it was back to my truck in rain that felt like I was swimming. My glasses were pointless because they were covered in rain drops. Without my glasses during the day I'd be fine. At night it's a different story. I couldn't even read the road signs when I was right under them. I actually had to call her up to re-ask for directions because I couldn't tell which way I had to go by sight. I figured my phone was a goner with how much rain was coming down, but it's cool. Crisis averted. Anyways, the rain felt awesome while it was happening, but my clothes were so wet that I started shaking the second I got into the truck. I actually drove home from manhatten with no shirt on because it was soaked to the point of futility. Even the hot air from the heater felt cold because it was hitting wet cotton and skin. I felt like I was actually being weighed down by the water logged clothes I was wearing.

Then came the drive home.

I had a great time and normally when I enjoy myself and have no place to hurry off to I don't spend a ton of time looking at directions back home. Especially in the city. Every time I've been to the city I've just looked for signs, went back the way I came to the best of my knowledge, etc. This time I got so turned around I ended up lost for a good half hour and decided it would be best to just follow the water until I saw signs for a bridge. This is, remember, during a rainstorm as strong as any I've ever seen. This is in the top 3 rains I've been through. 1 being the hurricane that hit CT my freshman year of college. 2, the day it rained like the end of the world at Millersville. 3, Saturday night in NYC. I couldn't see shit, my truck was hydroplaning all over the fucking road, and there were still so many people on the road with me that it made it almost impossible to look in one direction long. I couldn't tell which lane was which for just about the whole ride home. I took 80 the whole way back and I don't think I broke 45mph. There was flooding at every other exit and I was really starting to wonder if 80 was going to be closed down. Luckily I got home in one piece with some happy memories and no shirt. When I got out of the truck, after riding topless for so long with the heat blasting, I hopped out and thought I was going to freeze in place. I immediately ran up to my apartment, stripped out of everything, and threw on a nice big sweatshirt and my favorite red sweat pants. I felt like I had been wet for days and got to experience that feeling you only get from spending time outside in the elements where you come home, clean up, and kick back in a nice warm chair with nice warm clothes on and just enjoy not being wet anymore.

Of course, it reminded me of football. I can't even tell you how much I hated that feeling for so long. Where you would be out in the freezing rain, snow, hail, wind, cold, etc and then you'd come inside after kicking your own ass for 3 hours and put on nice comfy sweats and get back to your nice warm townhouse. At that point I'd just be mad that it was so cold. I didn't appreciate how good it felt to be warm after freezing for hours. Saturday, it just felt nice to have spent the night the way I had planned and then to bundle up and relax.

Things are definately looking up in NJX70 World. I'm excited to wake up every day because you just never know.

so there.

ARRRGHHHH It's drivin me nuts

2005-10-06T00:50:00.000-04:00

I love my job.  I really really love it.  It’s painful, difficult, and stressful, but I love it.  I love the people I work with, my office, the two guys I share it with, my plants, my sandbox (mini sand garden with 4X4s in it), everything.  Every week I learn one more thing, or have one more conversation with one of the guys that reminds me why I wanted to be in this office to begin with.  Today it was a guy who’s going to get me started on a new campaign starting tomorrow.  It’s exciting.  He also let me know that as long as the dudes in the branch have my back, I have nothing to worry about.  I’m still going to talk to one guy who could really help, but it’s sounding more and more like I’m not doing so badly after all.  It’s slow to start, but my clients are happy and I’m moving along.  It’s all going to work out in time.

I’ve got myself into bit of a pattern.  It’s not that I do the same things at the same time every night or anything, but things need to work out a certain way or I get twitchy.  That doesn’t mean I’m OCD or anything, but there are options I have on a daily basis that make me happy.  If any of the things I’ve become accustomed to doing is out of place it makes me furious.  I like to post to my blog, check myspace, look up site stats for my sites, email people, listen to music, talk to friends, etc.  A few years ago I needed to get on the internets every day for a bit to feel regular, but now it’s gone so far as being on the internets isn’t enough.  I need to be at certain sites or I get pissed.  Blogger is down as we speak for scheduled maintenance until 10pm.  It’s driving me up the wall.  I got an email that someone commented, and when I clicked it, nothing happened.  There’s something about having almost a year of your life written down and stored somewhere in space that scares me.  In a blink of an eye it could be lost.  Great, now I’m going to spend time archiving everything… fuck.  Anyways, when something isn’t working online, it’s enough to get me very worked up.  God forbid my internets are down.  Stupid nerdery.  Well, at least Blogger now has a plug-in for word that lets me type posts here and upload them with one button.  I can type everything out and just wait until 10 and post it once blogger is back up and running.

I am proud of myself.  I handled a situation I didn’t understand with as much class and civility as I could muster up and let it just slide on by.  I know a major part of this event was the fact that I’ve been very lucky.  It’s starting to look like every time someone pokes her head into my life it’s right before something awesome happens for me.  Last time it was the day I passed the series 7.  This time I was devastated by a communication I wasn’t ready to receive again, but by the end of the night I forgot it even happened.  I had sent an IM to a few close friends to ask them what they thought of the situation, but nobody responded.  I went to the train station, had dinner, came back and when my friends asked me what’s up, I had a different story to tell.  I actually forgot to mention the incident until someone asked me a related question.  Before that night I wouldn’t have been able to talk about anything else until I had spoken my mind about it, afterwards, it didn’t really seem all that important.  Thank you for trying one more time.

On a related note, I met someone who finished my pirate joke.  It is the only time in about 3 or 4 years that anyone’s known the punch line and I’ve told it to EVERYONE (including a pirate).  It always was the conversation starting A Bomb and then WHAM!  Someone fired a preemptive nuke at me.  Unbelievable.  Not only did she nail the  pirate joke, but she also knew about www.ytmnd.com and just about every other funny thing I could throw at her.  Impressive as hell.

Anyways, I’m going to bed.  I’ve been having trouble forcing myself to go to sleep this week.  I feel like I need to stay up another few minutes for whatever reason and then I look up and it’s 3AM.  It really fucks up my whole morning when I can’t get to bed at night.

Oh, and if you really want to see a fucking freak show, go to www.realdoll.com

Also check out these two sites:

www.whitestkids.com

www.milkandcookies.com