D+1
I have sat in silence for the entirety of this day. I have just thought for hours about what is happening to me. I feel empty and alone. I have done nothing but sit and think. I coudln't make it to work today. I wasn't able to sleep at all last night. I saw the sun come up and knew that going to work wasn't going to happen.
But then I realized something. There's nothing I can do. I'm 100% helpless. I can't avoid anything or do anything that will help me. I have to just suffer. I have to just let this awful feeling of self loathing and blame and guilt and hate just sit on me and crush me until it's done and then maybe it will get better. I don't know how much longer I can feel like this and still make it through. Today was worse than yesterday. Today was the day that I realized how long I'm going to hurt, how much I'm going to miss her, and how long I'm going to second guess myself. Someone commented without posting a name saying introspection works. I have been thinking about that for a long time. When it's something like this I can't tell what went wrong. I try to see myself as the problem, but all I see is myself working hard to make this work. I don't see things her way.
She has a long running hangup on the fear that someone will all of a sudden walk out on her life and say that he doesn't love her anymore when everything seems ok. Now she's done that to me. I always would tell her that I didn't believe that was a legitimate fear because it doesn't happen as much as she thinks. Then she showed me it does. She walked out on me just like why she was afraid of people walking out on her. You're right, Beth. It sucks. And now I'm afraid. Now I'm alone. I have been thinking about all these types of things. Trying to find out why now. Why like this. Was she doing this now to protect herself? Is she seeing someone else and I don't know? Is she just a product of the relationship experiences she's had in her life? Am I just that worthless that she can do this? I don't know. Something is up that I'm sure I'll hear about in the future, but everyone's being tight lipped about it now. Well, Beth, you're right. It's scary to think someone you love could walk out on your life when you least expect it and leave you there vulnerable, scared, and alone. It does. I understand why you were afraid of commitment now. It all makes sense.
I've decided to stop eating. I will wait until the physical pain outgrows the pain in my heart before I eat again. I need something to make this go away and I know I am good at suffering. I can't live like this, but at least I can suffer about something I can change. I don't think I'll ever feel good about myself again. I'm dead to me.
But then I realized something. There's nothing I can do. I'm 100% helpless. I can't avoid anything or do anything that will help me. I have to just suffer. I have to just let this awful feeling of self loathing and blame and guilt and hate just sit on me and crush me until it's done and then maybe it will get better. I don't know how much longer I can feel like this and still make it through. Today was worse than yesterday. Today was the day that I realized how long I'm going to hurt, how much I'm going to miss her, and how long I'm going to second guess myself. Someone commented without posting a name saying introspection works. I have been thinking about that for a long time. When it's something like this I can't tell what went wrong. I try to see myself as the problem, but all I see is myself working hard to make this work. I don't see things her way.
She has a long running hangup on the fear that someone will all of a sudden walk out on her life and say that he doesn't love her anymore when everything seems ok. Now she's done that to me. I always would tell her that I didn't believe that was a legitimate fear because it doesn't happen as much as she thinks. Then she showed me it does. She walked out on me just like why she was afraid of people walking out on her. You're right, Beth. It sucks. And now I'm afraid. Now I'm alone. I have been thinking about all these types of things. Trying to find out why now. Why like this. Was she doing this now to protect herself? Is she seeing someone else and I don't know? Is she just a product of the relationship experiences she's had in her life? Am I just that worthless that she can do this? I don't know. Something is up that I'm sure I'll hear about in the future, but everyone's being tight lipped about it now. Well, Beth, you're right. It's scary to think someone you love could walk out on your life when you least expect it and leave you there vulnerable, scared, and alone. It does. I understand why you were afraid of commitment now. It all makes sense.
I've decided to stop eating. I will wait until the physical pain outgrows the pain in my heart before I eat again. I need something to make this go away and I know I am good at suffering. I can't live like this, but at least I can suffer about something I can change. I don't think I'll ever feel good about myself again. I'm dead to me.
posted by NJX70 at 10:10 PM
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