You are a working man.... and.... go!
I was at work the other day when I went to put my suit jacket back on when I realized how silly stupid things make me feel. I never learned to put a jacket on one sleeve at a time. I've always just put both arms on and flipped it over my head. It sounds much worse than it looks, but I have noticed recently when I'm putting on my jacket that people are looking at me. This brought me back to a few other things that made me uncomfortable growing up. I had a mental list yesterday, but my computer was half killed by google desktop search that only half installed and I couldn't get on my computer and I forgot most of what I was thinking about typing. The other thing that makes me uncomfortable is how I tie my shoes. It's another thing I've done since I was a lil kid and nobody ever taught me another way. I tie my shoes with two loops. I don't think it's a big deal, but when I was throwing on my jacket I felt odd and then all of a sudden I was quantom leaped back to wrestling in 3rd grade when I had to change shoes in front of everyone and I was panicked that I was the only kid who tied his shoes with two bows. I tried really hard to learn the other way without success. I actually used to try and tie them fast when nobody was looking. Was it a big deal... probably not. I was being picked on for bigger and better things when I was wrestling 148s... yes, 148s at 9 years old. But I was still worried about what the other guys would think if they saw I tied my shoes that way. Same shit, differnet playground now. I caught myself practicing putting on one sleeve and then reaching back to put on the other one today. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does.
It's amazing what you realize when you are trying to fit in at a new place. I don't know weather to button my jacket while walking around or leave it unbuttoned? When it's warm out do I carry my nice overcoat or do I wear it and pretend I'm not a polar bear who can't function over 60 degrees? How long should my tie be? Is it too long or too short? I've actually been caught looking myself over in the mirror in the bathroom (that smells like strawberries all the time) a couple times because I never know if I look the part. There are a lot of stupid little things that really make me feel like a crazy person, but having this mental picture of me being the only guy that doesn't know that I look like a fool isn't fun either. Speaking of, I was in a hurry the other day and forgot to put on a belt, forgot my suit jacket in the truck, and had my fly down. When you're uncomfortable with your jacket unbuttoned... can you imagine what was going through my head that day?
The absolute worst part of my job is that they "asked" me to shave my beard. I feel/look like the monster in Monsters Inc that was "23 19ed" because he had a sock on his back. I grew out my sideburns to my jaw when I was in 7th/8th grade. When I was in highschool I had a beard starting in about my sophomore year. In college I never had less than my normal chin strap. Now.... shaved. I feel so ugly and unapealing. I know my beard is the least of my worries as I sit behind a desk eating bugers and fries when it comes to being apealing, but I felt so much more confident with my beard. I could keep it clean and trimmed when I felt like looking sharp or I could grow out the ol grizzley adams beard when I wanted to hide. Now I'm naked and vulnerable. I look like every other 20 something with thinning hair and a 5 o'clock shadow. Holy shit I miss my beard. You can bet your ass as soon as I start bringing in crazy money I will grow that mother fucker back. I can't take looking like this. I know I stepped into a new world of professionalism and high finance, but holy dog shit, I can't function anymore without my beard. It's the feather in my cap. It makes me feel like I'm not a "disguisting fat puke piece of shit" (thanks Gunnery Sgt. Hartman) even though I do nothing anymore. I need to take the time I was commuting and turn it into get huge time again. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Oh, one more observation on the day. On the OnA show today they were talking about how counciling doesn't work because you can't be honest and you are spilling your guts to someone on your own dime... thank you guys for not charging me. I think writting about things that bother me and posting it online is just as good as paying some dope with a PhD $300 an hour to ask me about my family and my childhood. Writting has helped me realize stuff about myself and it's cool. All else fails, I'll just email a shrink the URL and have him go to town. I hope to be more active and post more. I'll do my best.
While you're online downloading shit, get the song Pencil Skirt by Pulp. It's been a fixture in my MP3 lineup (along with Zakk Wylde, Hum, and Iced Earth... wow, who's too cool for the room!) for a week now. I downloaded it by accident and now I can't stop listening to it.
This entry blows. I'm going to bed.
It's amazing what you realize when you are trying to fit in at a new place. I don't know weather to button my jacket while walking around or leave it unbuttoned? When it's warm out do I carry my nice overcoat or do I wear it and pretend I'm not a polar bear who can't function over 60 degrees? How long should my tie be? Is it too long or too short? I've actually been caught looking myself over in the mirror in the bathroom (that smells like strawberries all the time) a couple times because I never know if I look the part. There are a lot of stupid little things that really make me feel like a crazy person, but having this mental picture of me being the only guy that doesn't know that I look like a fool isn't fun either. Speaking of, I was in a hurry the other day and forgot to put on a belt, forgot my suit jacket in the truck, and had my fly down. When you're uncomfortable with your jacket unbuttoned... can you imagine what was going through my head that day?
The absolute worst part of my job is that they "asked" me to shave my beard. I feel/look like the monster in Monsters Inc that was "23 19ed" because he had a sock on his back. I grew out my sideburns to my jaw when I was in 7th/8th grade. When I was in highschool I had a beard starting in about my sophomore year. In college I never had less than my normal chin strap. Now.... shaved. I feel so ugly and unapealing. I know my beard is the least of my worries as I sit behind a desk eating bugers and fries when it comes to being apealing, but I felt so much more confident with my beard. I could keep it clean and trimmed when I felt like looking sharp or I could grow out the ol grizzley adams beard when I wanted to hide. Now I'm naked and vulnerable. I look like every other 20 something with thinning hair and a 5 o'clock shadow. Holy shit I miss my beard. You can bet your ass as soon as I start bringing in crazy money I will grow that mother fucker back. I can't take looking like this. I know I stepped into a new world of professionalism and high finance, but holy dog shit, I can't function anymore without my beard. It's the feather in my cap. It makes me feel like I'm not a "disguisting fat puke piece of shit" (thanks Gunnery Sgt. Hartman) even though I do nothing anymore. I need to take the time I was commuting and turn it into get huge time again. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.
Oh, one more observation on the day. On the OnA show today they were talking about how counciling doesn't work because you can't be honest and you are spilling your guts to someone on your own dime... thank you guys for not charging me. I think writting about things that bother me and posting it online is just as good as paying some dope with a PhD $300 an hour to ask me about my family and my childhood. Writting has helped me realize stuff about myself and it's cool. All else fails, I'll just email a shrink the URL and have him go to town. I hope to be more active and post more. I'll do my best.
While you're online downloading shit, get the song Pencil Skirt by Pulp. It's been a fixture in my MP3 lineup (along with Zakk Wylde, Hum, and Iced Earth... wow, who's too cool for the room!) for a week now. I downloaded it by accident and now I can't stop listening to it.
This entry blows. I'm going to bed.
posted by NJX70 at 11:39 PM
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