I am a turtle

This is a scan of the my calendar for August 18th, 2000. It was my first day of college football camp and my first real night at fairfield university. The text reads: "Go back to sleep, Chuck. Your just havin' a nightmare-----of course, we are still in hell."

Tonight friends called and wanted me to go out. For some reason the idea of going out drinking sounded wrong when I have to go to work on monday. I'm rediculous, but I didn't go and I couldn't think of any reason why not besides I'm freaked out about my new job and I want to just zone out and let my last few days tick by as slowly as possible while I orgainze my thoughts and get ready for a battle with the series 7, a normal work schedule, and a high pressure job. I am so freaked out I can't sleep, I dont' want to eat, and I have that sickening feeling that you get when you come to school and realize your book report is due and you didn't do it. I don't know why I feel like this. I don't want to see anyone. I have plans to go out tomorrow night and if there was any way in hell I could blow them off I would because I'm in turtle mode where I just want to crawl back into my shell and be left alone. I really want to see the person I have plans with, but I am almost to the point of afraid to leave my house for fear of fucking something up or running out of time to take care of last minute things. I want to sleep, weld, and do stuff on the computer until monday. I am on call for nothing. It's like a doctor who is always ready to go in, but I have nothing I really need to get done and nothing to really be worried about, but I cant' freaken sit still. I did hear back from Bill and I'm to be in the office at 9am monday. I'm so scared.

So I don't have an apartment yet. I am trying to find something under a thousand bucks a month that is close to my job, but morristown thinks it's freaken manhattan all of a sudden. What the fuck is up with the rent???? Average apartment I saw: 1 bedroom - 1,100 a month, 2 bedroom - 1,500 a month. If my buddy Brad was gung ho about moving to morristown I'd have no problem paying the $750 a month for a nice 2 bedroom, but he's happily living at home and is going to wait another year or so to save up more money before he moves out. JJ was an option, but I dropped a subtle hint that I was looking for a roommate to a man who prides himself on picking up on subtletees and got no response. Drufus has no job and there are jobs in morristown, but his family needs him up in CT so he will not be looking to relocate, job or no job, and that's totally understandable. Everyone else out there has their shit together and doesn't need to move. I, on the other hand, have a family who wanted to move out into the woods for no fucking reason and have no option to commute from my house. It's an hour fucking drive during NYC rush hour on 2 heavily driven NYC bound roads. To anyone from outside the greater New York area: NYC traffic is the worst! People drive like assholes because they feel they have to do so to survive. They even corrupt the PA drivers who are some of hte best in the country. The PA to NYC commuters are awful. I would rather shoot myself in the leg and then masturbate with a cheese grater than commute during rush hour anywhere near a main highway that leads to NYC. I'll have to leave at 6am to get there by 9. I know there's a train that goes in, but I dont' know the schedule yet. I hope to figure that out tomorrow. That will have to do until I find a place to live.

I can't sleep again tonight. That is why I'm posting. I have been a wreck all week. I don't want this job to start... I want to wake up and be a year into the job and doing well. What a 180. I went from jerk off job in a mall kiosk to a job where I have to be in a conservative suit and tie, get crazy certifications, and handle millions of dollars. I just pray to God that it works out. This could be my big break. Or it could be the worst failure of my life. We'll have to see, won't we?

So to sum this up, I didn't go out tonight becasue I'm a scared pussy who can't do anything when i"m overwhelmed and this new job that I know nothing about is so overwhelming that I'm going to have an ulcer and go blind from staring at my computer screen reading up on shit I think I'm going to need to know before I even start. Once I start I am going to be studying for a test 12 hours a day 7 days a week that if I don't pass I will be fired. Just typing this paragraph has made my stomach hurt. I am physically ill over this all and I just need it to happen allready and get it over with.