Worst Day Ever. My heart has been destroyed
My life is a series of down notes. Every time I think things are going my way they take a drastic turn for the worse. If you asked me on Saturday afternoon if I thought I'd be tearing down the highway at 90mph crying so hard that I have to take my glasses off to see I'd have laughed in your stupid face. I also didn't know that Beth was going to leave me. For those of you who didn't know, we dated for over 4 years. That ended today. She told me I am not the kinda person she wants to be with and that she loves me, but can't see herself with me. That's the old "love you but not IN love with you" horseshit that we make fun of on a regular basis. I've cried so hard for the past few hours that my neck hurts and my eyes feel like they have been filled with sand and then set on fire. I love(d) her so much that I dreamed about her nightly. I don't think I ever went more than an hour without thinking about her any day of the past 5 years. I don't know if I'll ever find a better girl than her and it failed. Let me backtrack and explain how this all went down.
Beth's birthday was this week and she had to go to Philadelphia for her job this weekend, so a bunch of us planned on going down to see her. I was going down on Saturday, and from EVER single conversation we had up until that point I KNEW she was getting out of work at 7. I decided that I would leave around 6 and get there between 7:30 and 8:00 so everyone would be ready to go and I would just roll up, drop off my stuff and head to the bar. So 5:00 rolls around and I call her roommate Karen to get an address to mapquest before I go. She tells me and then I get a call back in about 5 minutes from Beth (as I'm walking out the door with my clothes in hand and my jacket on saying, "Don't fucking come. Don't fucking come down here." I was shocked. When I told her I was coming she was so happy 2 nights ago. What the fuck has changed? "You were supposed to be here at 2pm and it's past 5. You won't be here until at least 8 and I don't want to wait for you." "Then how about I call you when I'm in town and you just let me know where to meet you?" "No, don't fucking come." "OK, well, if you don't want me to come I won't. If you want me to come, call me." So then I put my stuff down and make a sandwitch. After I eat I call back... no answer. Again in 15 minutes... no answer. So I call her roommate's cell which I know she has on her... no answer. Now I'm getting upset because this is two weekends in a row I'm getting the, "I left my cell in the apartment/hotel" excuse so I text Karen this message at 6:02PM, "Sorry for putting you in the middle but recently beth has been forgetting her phone when we are supposed to hang out." I call back again... no answer. So then I text this message at 6:12PM, "Funny how there's no answer. Just please let of (was supposed to be me) know if it's beth ignoring me or if someone else is screening" I get a call from beth 5 minutes later, "Hey, we aren't going out until 10 if you want to come down." "Do you want me to come down?" "If you want." "If you want me to come down I will." "Sure, come down." So I hop in my truck and go. I had crummy directions so when I got to philly around 9 I got lost and ended up in a dodgy neck of the woods, turned around, ended up in Camden, NJ, then got back in, was on the wrong side of town, got lost, and ended up at the hotel at 10:30. Beth tells me she's down the street at a restaurant but in a way that made me feel very unwanted. So I say, "Hey, I'm here. I just wanted to see you for your birthday. If you don't want me to stay I can go." "No, walk down 3 blocks and it's on your left." So I go, I walk in, she barely notices me there and I sit down while they are figuring out the check. We walk out, she won't walk with me and then we get in a cab and go to the bar. While waiting in line she's doing the chick, "there's something wrong and I know you can tell by my posture but I'm not saying shit" thing and I call her out on it. I got pissed and I was like, "look, if you don't want me to stay then I'll go. I don't need to be here if you don't appreciate me coming." Then she get's pissed and get's more annoying. Then we are just about to go in and beth makes sure she is in the group with one more spot going into the bar leaving me outside. I get in after another 10 minutes and decide I'll just watch some basketball and let her do her thing seeing as I'm obviously not wanted. Then one of the poor guys (who is cool in my book) that has to run mesages back and forth comes to me to say beth is lookign for me. I check my coat and come downstairs. Again she is standing near me, but obviously not interested in paying any attention to me at all. Now I'm uncomfortable as I possibly can be. I believe that was a set up. She wanted me at my worst so she wouldnt' feel bad stomping all over my unsuspecting heart. So I decide that drinkings a bad idea and stay away from the booze. I was also wearing the exact wrong set of shoes to dance and was not comfortable enough around her friends to make a fool of myself so I just hung out on the sidelines. Then I get to stand there and watch beth grind with a bunch of her dude friends while I stand there like an ass and just get more and more angry. I really didn't want to dance because I knew I'd draw attention I didn't want. I want to fit in even though I'm bigger than everyone else. I dont' fit in dancing with her friends. Ask Pete and the gang from boston if I dance and I'm sure they'll remmeber me dancing a few times because they don't bring up how silly I look or care if I make an ass outta myself. These people would have called me out on it and I would be embarrased for years. It's just how I am. So then one of her friends in particular was putting his hands all over beth and grinding with her for a long time. When they separated I introduced myself as her boyfriend and let him know it made me uncomfortable to see him all over beth. He took his ass over to beth and ratted me out, beth was a crying mess from the time we left the bar until an hour after she locked herself in the bathroom, she begged me to sleep next to her, and the night was over. This morning was nice. We all had a great time talking about last night and then went out for lunch. Everything was cool, but beth was still being wierd. I thought I made a much better impression today than I did last night and maybe, just maybe found a way to enjoy her friends. Then I get home with a call from my dad, "Hey, you better get home, your fish isn't looking so good." I get home to see my fish that has been with me since college barely alive swimming on his side. Mao has been a fixture in my life for almost 6 years. He is a goldfish, and I love him. I call beth to make sure she got home allright and to talk about Mao and she's like, "hey, we need to talk later." "about what?" "It's important." "what is it?" "I don't want to see you anymore." So now I have my beloved pet and friend dieing before my eyes and the girl I see myself with for the rest of my life leaving me on the phone. I tried to take care of Mao before I ran back to my truck, but I had to make that choice and just give my mom instructions and go to beths. I get there to a girl who's made her mind up. No one thing set her off (allegidly) and she wanted out. She told me she still loves me, which I don't believe for a second. I have broken up with girls I've loved in the past, and I didn't feel the love anymore when I did. I still liked them, but the love was gone. So then I kept asking her what needed to change. She told me I have been trying but it's not working. (I'll get back to this). Then she tells me that I can be scary and mean, that I don't have the same goals as her, and that I'm not changing. She gave me nothing to work with, so all I could do was sit there like a babbling little bitch and cry. I cried so much that when I stopped at Brad's house on the way home to talk I needed a gallon of water before my tounge would detach from the roof of my mouth. She gave me no information besides that she hasn't loved me for over a year and that I'm not the kinda person she wants to be with. I don't think I've ever felt this bad in my life. When I dig the grave for my pet I will cry. I cried today when I came home and saw him trying to stay upright and failing. Then as soon as that feeling passes for a second the loss of the girl I've loved more than anything in my entire life sets in. I am sitting here with a tear stained keyboard and all I"ve communicated are the facts. Well, here's some more:
I'm not changing? I quit football to keep a job I took to be closer to beth and to have a normal 9 to 5 life. I just got confirmation on my apartment and my job is moving along well. I have felt better about beth and my life in the past few weeks than I have felt about anything in years. When I said that I wanted to go out, I am not kidding that that is a huge deal. I go out, but only time to time. The last 3 weekends I couldn't wait to see beth and get out of my house. Now I have nothing to leave for.
Beth is special to me. I love her so much that there are times I will wake up from a dream about her and feel myself getting tears in my eyes because they aren't real. I sleep with my arm over a long pillow just so that I can fool my unconsious mind that she is there with me. I wake up every morning with her on my mind. I call her from the train when I know she's getting up just to say good morning. I call her every night just to hear her voice. When I'm with her I feel like I"ve won. I've gone out and found the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have been close with other girlfriends before, but nothing has ever felt like just having her sit next to me in the truck and lean her head on my shoulder or laying in bed and feeling her squirm to get that one inch tighter up against my body. I knew her well enough, or I'd have been ready to ask her to marry me a long time ago. I knew from the moment I first met her that she was the one. I was willing to wait. I was willing to change. I was willing to build my life around her and look where I am. Blubbering over a stupid post on a stupid website half drunk and alone.
I will never forget the summers with her in colorado and me in New Jersey signing on to AIM to see if I could catch her there. I'll never forget putting in the resevior dogs CD I stole from Colin my freshman year on the way home after I said goodbye to her and just listening to hooked on a feeling over and over and over and feeling like I was finally happy. That I had found someone that would make me a better man. Finding that one thing that will truely make me happy. I'll never forget the times I needed her most and she was there for me. I'll never forget her kiss. But she's gone. She's no longer a part of my life. With how hard it is to see her now... I'm never going to see her again and it is killing me. I don't know how to go on without her. It's like a death. She is dead to me now because all she has to do is hit END and she'll never speak to me again. I'll never see her, I'll never hold her, I'll never talk to her, I'll never kiss her again. This doesn't even feel real. The only comparison I can think of in my life is when a friend of mine died in a car accident when I was in 4th grade. He was my good friend's older brother and for months I would still look into his room to say hello when I'd come over and then realize he's not coming back. Beth's not coming back. I could hear it in her words that I am worthless to her now. I am a piece of shit that means nothing. My effort was never good enough because I'm a clumsy loser when it comes to a lot of stuff. I blew the best thing I had in my life and now I have to deal with it.
I haven't decided, but for the next 9 months I'm eligible to enlist. I have always wanted to be a marine. Now might be a good time. I can't live my life anymore and do the things I used to do without thinking about her. I can't sign on to my computer, I can't look at my phone, I can't get into my truck without hearing her voice or seeing her face. I didn't see this coming at all and it's still not real. She'll never call me again. I have no chance of getting her back. I am alone and I'm scared. I've found the girl that I love and she doesn't love me. After 5 years of giving her all my heart has to give it wasn't enough. I'm not that guy. I'M NEVER GOING TO HEAR FROM BETH EVER AGAIN!!! I still can't believe it when I'm typing. As far as I knew going into this weekend I had found the one. I am a piece of shit and I never deserved her. She let me know that today. Who was I kidding? I am a lousy boyfriend and lousy person. I blew the best thing ever. I have never had a good self image, but now I know I was right. I am a worthless human being who couldn't over the course of 5 years show the person that I loved that I am worth her time and effort. If my life wasn't God's life I don't know what I'd do. I want her back so badly but I know she'll never speak to me again. Why. Why does this have to happen? Everything was going so well. I was going to move within 15 minutes of her with a normal job and do normal things. I can't even tell you how much I was looking forward to stopping by and taking her out to see a movie on a monday or just bringing over chineese food and watching prime time television. How much I was looking forward to her stopping by my place and hanging out. I've lost my life. It's not mine anymore. It's been forfeited to love. I can't take this. I've been all I could be for her and I'm not good enough for her to even hear me out. I don't want anyone else. I want her.
So that brings me to why I hurt so badly. She was perfect for me. She's organized and layed back. She put up with my shortcoming and was there for me when I needed her. I don't think we even disagreed for 3 years. I screwed this up. I have no chance. If I fail with someone I know so well and love so much how am I ever going to find someone else? I'm doomed to be that guy that everyone thinks is gay because I'm 40 and never married. I don't believe in love anymore. I love her to the point of pain in my chest and I failed. She tells me she still loves me? How can you hurt someone you love like this? I've never wanted anything like I wanted her. NEVER. I'd give up a shot at the NFL to be with her. I don't believe love is real. If this is what it can do than what the fuck? She was perfect for me for so long and then does this? It goes like this: Meet chick, chick's cool, date chick, chick goes crazy, broken heart. How long that takes depends on the girl, but it's a guarantee.
Beth, I know you read this because I've seen it on your recent webpages every time I've been over your apartment. If you really love me, you'll reconsider and just talk to me. I love you more than everything else I've ever felt combined. If you ever loved me you'll at least shoot me an email. If you still love me you'll call.
If nothing changes, than I hate my life. I hate everything I've ever done, and I hate myself. If this isnt' the person beth wants to be with, than I hate everyone up to and including God for making me this way and letting me continue to be whatever it is beth doesn't want in her life.
I am a failure.
Beth's birthday was this week and she had to go to Philadelphia for her job this weekend, so a bunch of us planned on going down to see her. I was going down on Saturday, and from EVER single conversation we had up until that point I KNEW she was getting out of work at 7. I decided that I would leave around 6 and get there between 7:30 and 8:00 so everyone would be ready to go and I would just roll up, drop off my stuff and head to the bar. So 5:00 rolls around and I call her roommate Karen to get an address to mapquest before I go. She tells me and then I get a call back in about 5 minutes from Beth (as I'm walking out the door with my clothes in hand and my jacket on saying, "Don't fucking come. Don't fucking come down here." I was shocked. When I told her I was coming she was so happy 2 nights ago. What the fuck has changed? "You were supposed to be here at 2pm and it's past 5. You won't be here until at least 8 and I don't want to wait for you." "Then how about I call you when I'm in town and you just let me know where to meet you?" "No, don't fucking come." "OK, well, if you don't want me to come I won't. If you want me to come, call me." So then I put my stuff down and make a sandwitch. After I eat I call back... no answer. Again in 15 minutes... no answer. So I call her roommate's cell which I know she has on her... no answer. Now I'm getting upset because this is two weekends in a row I'm getting the, "I left my cell in the apartment/hotel" excuse so I text Karen this message at 6:02PM, "Sorry for putting you in the middle but recently beth has been forgetting her phone when we are supposed to hang out." I call back again... no answer. So then I text this message at 6:12PM, "Funny how there's no answer. Just please let of (was supposed to be me) know if it's beth ignoring me or if someone else is screening" I get a call from beth 5 minutes later, "Hey, we aren't going out until 10 if you want to come down." "Do you want me to come down?" "If you want." "If you want me to come down I will." "Sure, come down." So I hop in my truck and go. I had crummy directions so when I got to philly around 9 I got lost and ended up in a dodgy neck of the woods, turned around, ended up in Camden, NJ, then got back in, was on the wrong side of town, got lost, and ended up at the hotel at 10:30. Beth tells me she's down the street at a restaurant but in a way that made me feel very unwanted. So I say, "Hey, I'm here. I just wanted to see you for your birthday. If you don't want me to stay I can go." "No, walk down 3 blocks and it's on your left." So I go, I walk in, she barely notices me there and I sit down while they are figuring out the check. We walk out, she won't walk with me and then we get in a cab and go to the bar. While waiting in line she's doing the chick, "there's something wrong and I know you can tell by my posture but I'm not saying shit" thing and I call her out on it. I got pissed and I was like, "look, if you don't want me to stay then I'll go. I don't need to be here if you don't appreciate me coming." Then she get's pissed and get's more annoying. Then we are just about to go in and beth makes sure she is in the group with one more spot going into the bar leaving me outside. I get in after another 10 minutes and decide I'll just watch some basketball and let her do her thing seeing as I'm obviously not wanted. Then one of the poor guys (who is cool in my book) that has to run mesages back and forth comes to me to say beth is lookign for me. I check my coat and come downstairs. Again she is standing near me, but obviously not interested in paying any attention to me at all. Now I'm uncomfortable as I possibly can be. I believe that was a set up. She wanted me at my worst so she wouldnt' feel bad stomping all over my unsuspecting heart. So I decide that drinkings a bad idea and stay away from the booze. I was also wearing the exact wrong set of shoes to dance and was not comfortable enough around her friends to make a fool of myself so I just hung out on the sidelines. Then I get to stand there and watch beth grind with a bunch of her dude friends while I stand there like an ass and just get more and more angry. I really didn't want to dance because I knew I'd draw attention I didn't want. I want to fit in even though I'm bigger than everyone else. I dont' fit in dancing with her friends. Ask Pete and the gang from boston if I dance and I'm sure they'll remmeber me dancing a few times because they don't bring up how silly I look or care if I make an ass outta myself. These people would have called me out on it and I would be embarrased for years. It's just how I am. So then one of her friends in particular was putting his hands all over beth and grinding with her for a long time. When they separated I introduced myself as her boyfriend and let him know it made me uncomfortable to see him all over beth. He took his ass over to beth and ratted me out, beth was a crying mess from the time we left the bar until an hour after she locked herself in the bathroom, she begged me to sleep next to her, and the night was over. This morning was nice. We all had a great time talking about last night and then went out for lunch. Everything was cool, but beth was still being wierd. I thought I made a much better impression today than I did last night and maybe, just maybe found a way to enjoy her friends. Then I get home with a call from my dad, "Hey, you better get home, your fish isn't looking so good." I get home to see my fish that has been with me since college barely alive swimming on his side. Mao has been a fixture in my life for almost 6 years. He is a goldfish, and I love him. I call beth to make sure she got home allright and to talk about Mao and she's like, "hey, we need to talk later." "about what?" "It's important." "what is it?" "I don't want to see you anymore." So now I have my beloved pet and friend dieing before my eyes and the girl I see myself with for the rest of my life leaving me on the phone. I tried to take care of Mao before I ran back to my truck, but I had to make that choice and just give my mom instructions and go to beths. I get there to a girl who's made her mind up. No one thing set her off (allegidly) and she wanted out. She told me she still loves me, which I don't believe for a second. I have broken up with girls I've loved in the past, and I didn't feel the love anymore when I did. I still liked them, but the love was gone. So then I kept asking her what needed to change. She told me I have been trying but it's not working. (I'll get back to this). Then she tells me that I can be scary and mean, that I don't have the same goals as her, and that I'm not changing. She gave me nothing to work with, so all I could do was sit there like a babbling little bitch and cry. I cried so much that when I stopped at Brad's house on the way home to talk I needed a gallon of water before my tounge would detach from the roof of my mouth. She gave me no information besides that she hasn't loved me for over a year and that I'm not the kinda person she wants to be with. I don't think I've ever felt this bad in my life. When I dig the grave for my pet I will cry. I cried today when I came home and saw him trying to stay upright and failing. Then as soon as that feeling passes for a second the loss of the girl I've loved more than anything in my entire life sets in. I am sitting here with a tear stained keyboard and all I"ve communicated are the facts. Well, here's some more:
I'm not changing? I quit football to keep a job I took to be closer to beth and to have a normal 9 to 5 life. I just got confirmation on my apartment and my job is moving along well. I have felt better about beth and my life in the past few weeks than I have felt about anything in years. When I said that I wanted to go out, I am not kidding that that is a huge deal. I go out, but only time to time. The last 3 weekends I couldn't wait to see beth and get out of my house. Now I have nothing to leave for.
Beth is special to me. I love her so much that there are times I will wake up from a dream about her and feel myself getting tears in my eyes because they aren't real. I sleep with my arm over a long pillow just so that I can fool my unconsious mind that she is there with me. I wake up every morning with her on my mind. I call her from the train when I know she's getting up just to say good morning. I call her every night just to hear her voice. When I'm with her I feel like I"ve won. I've gone out and found the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have been close with other girlfriends before, but nothing has ever felt like just having her sit next to me in the truck and lean her head on my shoulder or laying in bed and feeling her squirm to get that one inch tighter up against my body. I knew her well enough, or I'd have been ready to ask her to marry me a long time ago. I knew from the moment I first met her that she was the one. I was willing to wait. I was willing to change. I was willing to build my life around her and look where I am. Blubbering over a stupid post on a stupid website half drunk and alone.
I will never forget the summers with her in colorado and me in New Jersey signing on to AIM to see if I could catch her there. I'll never forget putting in the resevior dogs CD I stole from Colin my freshman year on the way home after I said goodbye to her and just listening to hooked on a feeling over and over and over and feeling like I was finally happy. That I had found someone that would make me a better man. Finding that one thing that will truely make me happy. I'll never forget the times I needed her most and she was there for me. I'll never forget her kiss. But she's gone. She's no longer a part of my life. With how hard it is to see her now... I'm never going to see her again and it is killing me. I don't know how to go on without her. It's like a death. She is dead to me now because all she has to do is hit END and she'll never speak to me again. I'll never see her, I'll never hold her, I'll never talk to her, I'll never kiss her again. This doesn't even feel real. The only comparison I can think of in my life is when a friend of mine died in a car accident when I was in 4th grade. He was my good friend's older brother and for months I would still look into his room to say hello when I'd come over and then realize he's not coming back. Beth's not coming back. I could hear it in her words that I am worthless to her now. I am a piece of shit that means nothing. My effort was never good enough because I'm a clumsy loser when it comes to a lot of stuff. I blew the best thing I had in my life and now I have to deal with it.
I haven't decided, but for the next 9 months I'm eligible to enlist. I have always wanted to be a marine. Now might be a good time. I can't live my life anymore and do the things I used to do without thinking about her. I can't sign on to my computer, I can't look at my phone, I can't get into my truck without hearing her voice or seeing her face. I didn't see this coming at all and it's still not real. She'll never call me again. I have no chance of getting her back. I am alone and I'm scared. I've found the girl that I love and she doesn't love me. After 5 years of giving her all my heart has to give it wasn't enough. I'm not that guy. I'M NEVER GOING TO HEAR FROM BETH EVER AGAIN!!! I still can't believe it when I'm typing. As far as I knew going into this weekend I had found the one. I am a piece of shit and I never deserved her. She let me know that today. Who was I kidding? I am a lousy boyfriend and lousy person. I blew the best thing ever. I have never had a good self image, but now I know I was right. I am a worthless human being who couldn't over the course of 5 years show the person that I loved that I am worth her time and effort. If my life wasn't God's life I don't know what I'd do. I want her back so badly but I know she'll never speak to me again. Why. Why does this have to happen? Everything was going so well. I was going to move within 15 minutes of her with a normal job and do normal things. I can't even tell you how much I was looking forward to stopping by and taking her out to see a movie on a monday or just bringing over chineese food and watching prime time television. How much I was looking forward to her stopping by my place and hanging out. I've lost my life. It's not mine anymore. It's been forfeited to love. I can't take this. I've been all I could be for her and I'm not good enough for her to even hear me out. I don't want anyone else. I want her.
So that brings me to why I hurt so badly. She was perfect for me. She's organized and layed back. She put up with my shortcoming and was there for me when I needed her. I don't think we even disagreed for 3 years. I screwed this up. I have no chance. If I fail with someone I know so well and love so much how am I ever going to find someone else? I'm doomed to be that guy that everyone thinks is gay because I'm 40 and never married. I don't believe in love anymore. I love her to the point of pain in my chest and I failed. She tells me she still loves me? How can you hurt someone you love like this? I've never wanted anything like I wanted her. NEVER. I'd give up a shot at the NFL to be with her. I don't believe love is real. If this is what it can do than what the fuck? She was perfect for me for so long and then does this? It goes like this: Meet chick, chick's cool, date chick, chick goes crazy, broken heart. How long that takes depends on the girl, but it's a guarantee.
Beth, I know you read this because I've seen it on your recent webpages every time I've been over your apartment. If you really love me, you'll reconsider and just talk to me. I love you more than everything else I've ever felt combined. If you ever loved me you'll at least shoot me an email. If you still love me you'll call.
If nothing changes, than I hate my life. I hate everything I've ever done, and I hate myself. If this isnt' the person beth wants to be with, than I hate everyone up to and including God for making me this way and letting me continue to be whatever it is beth doesn't want in her life.
I am a failure.
posted by NJX70 at 11:43 PM
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