D+2
Here we are again. I never felt like I had enough time to do the things I wanted to do. Now I can't make the time go away. Time is such a mother fucker. Everyone deals with it the same. Getting older is like dieing. You deny it, you get angry, etc etc. Same with any situation. I've buried friends and family without feeling like this. The guy who was my childhood idol, the guy who taught me how to throw a football, and box, and tackle, and make my bike sound like a motorcycle, how to take a jump on my bike, and who always made me feel like it was a blessing to be so big instead of feeling like a freak because of it died when I was in 3rd grade. He was in high school and got into a car accident going to get pizza. No foul play. No booze. No drugs. He's dead because of a true accident. I had to go to counciling for about a year with my friends from the block and by myself. I was able to let him go because it was just his time. I know it sounds awful to be more broken up over a chick than the closest thing I ever had to an older brother's death, but holy shit. I feel like she's dead to me. The second we stop communicating she is no longer on the same plane of reality as me. I'll never run into her, I'll never see her, I'll never hear from her, I'll never know how she's doing. That is a good thing in a way, but it's like mourning my "older brother" again but the reason she's gone is me. I did it. It's my fault. I am not able to be the man she needs and that hurts me. It is like I killed her.
So back to time. I know it's the only solution. I've been hurt before both physically and mentally and needed time to fix the wounds. I've loved before and had to let it go, so I know what she's doing. The difference here is that I didn't know I was failing. I think Kelly and Meghan both knew the time was coming. I was ear holed big time. Not only with the actual breakup, but with the realization that I am not what she wants. That's all I wanted to be and I couldn't do it. I had 5 years and I failed. That is what's so hard. It's like restoring a car. If you end up working on it for 10 years it's cool because you know in the end you are going to have a hotrod that will shake the earth. Now after you've put 10 years into it you realize that everything you've done is wrong and the car will never run. Now all that time, money, effort, blood, sweat, and tears are for nothing. How does that feel? You have a hunk of shit in your driveway on blocks with 20k of repairs only to sit there and make a fancy paperweight. I am that hunk of shit. At least that is how I feel. Everything is gone.
I held it together pretty well at work today. Helder knew what was up. I didn't talk to anyone for hours. Then we had a meeting with the cheif investment officer from some investment firm and afterwards I sat down and just looked at the floor and said, "Helder, she left me." "I know." "I'm not OK." "I know." That was it. He knew from a 10 second message about sunday being the worst day of my life and from all the times I've talked to him about beth that there was only one thing that would make me like that. I was cool all day until I got up and looked out the window. I can see my new apartment from my office (the building, not my actual place) and it just so happened that a train was going east right by the building. That would have been the train I would take to see beth. I was so close. I didn't cry today until I got home and my mom hugged me and told me it's all going to be ok. I don't think she noticed, but she knows I am hurting.
I had a little miracle today. Mao is looking better. All the hours of research into things like fish ilnesses and disease that I really hated to read might have finally saved a life. Poor Mao and Frank are still sick, but he was just floating on the top 2 days ago. He survived and is swimming normally again. Now I just have to clear up his sickness for good. God works in ways I will never understand, but He let me have Mao in my life for another day and I thank him for that.
The last thing I ate was on sunday around noon. I am finding it fun to make an endurance test out of my suffering. It's like breakup survivor. I will see how long I can make my body hurt before I forget about beth for a second and eat something. My goal was one week, but I think I will ahve to get back to food before this weekend because I'm going to drink myself blind. It is liberating. I feel like I'm winning against something that is outside of the normal realm of human existance. I have defined my life through pain and this is my way of cleansing myself from the worst hurt I've ever felt. The only thing I've noticed different now that I'm empty is that I get cold. I was cold today in my office and it felt good until I realized that I"m never cold. I will prove to myself that my own will is stronger than my body and that I can defeat it. If I can survive without food, then I can make it through this. This is my forest gump esk run accross the country without all the pesky running. I should have weighed myself before and after, but I didn't really plan on this until i was doubled over throwing up thinking about beth. I couldn't even think about food on sunday and yesterday was just as bad. Today I wanted to eat, and we had a real nice lunch paid for by the wholesalers that came in and I didn't have a bite of it. It made me feel strong. I have run until I couldn't see. I've blocked the stupid sled until I was dizzy. I've lifted more weight than most floor jacks can hold. I can defeat my own desires. When I've reached a point where I am satisfied with my pain than I will end it. That is why it's so appealing to me. When I've hit so low that I can't function I can make it all stop.
This pain will not go away any faster or slower no matter what I do. I am a broken man and all I want is my life back. It's gone. I am nothing anymore. I want to destroy myself and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Once I smack the bottom I'll be ready. For what? I don't know. Nobody could ever tell me, but it's out there. My life. I have to kill the old Isaac and move on to a stronger one. I will do this. I dont' know how.
So back to time. I know it's the only solution. I've been hurt before both physically and mentally and needed time to fix the wounds. I've loved before and had to let it go, so I know what she's doing. The difference here is that I didn't know I was failing. I think Kelly and Meghan both knew the time was coming. I was ear holed big time. Not only with the actual breakup, but with the realization that I am not what she wants. That's all I wanted to be and I couldn't do it. I had 5 years and I failed. That is what's so hard. It's like restoring a car. If you end up working on it for 10 years it's cool because you know in the end you are going to have a hotrod that will shake the earth. Now after you've put 10 years into it you realize that everything you've done is wrong and the car will never run. Now all that time, money, effort, blood, sweat, and tears are for nothing. How does that feel? You have a hunk of shit in your driveway on blocks with 20k of repairs only to sit there and make a fancy paperweight. I am that hunk of shit. At least that is how I feel. Everything is gone.
I held it together pretty well at work today. Helder knew what was up. I didn't talk to anyone for hours. Then we had a meeting with the cheif investment officer from some investment firm and afterwards I sat down and just looked at the floor and said, "Helder, she left me." "I know." "I'm not OK." "I know." That was it. He knew from a 10 second message about sunday being the worst day of my life and from all the times I've talked to him about beth that there was only one thing that would make me like that. I was cool all day until I got up and looked out the window. I can see my new apartment from my office (the building, not my actual place) and it just so happened that a train was going east right by the building. That would have been the train I would take to see beth. I was so close. I didn't cry today until I got home and my mom hugged me and told me it's all going to be ok. I don't think she noticed, but she knows I am hurting.
I had a little miracle today. Mao is looking better. All the hours of research into things like fish ilnesses and disease that I really hated to read might have finally saved a life. Poor Mao and Frank are still sick, but he was just floating on the top 2 days ago. He survived and is swimming normally again. Now I just have to clear up his sickness for good. God works in ways I will never understand, but He let me have Mao in my life for another day and I thank him for that.
The last thing I ate was on sunday around noon. I am finding it fun to make an endurance test out of my suffering. It's like breakup survivor. I will see how long I can make my body hurt before I forget about beth for a second and eat something. My goal was one week, but I think I will ahve to get back to food before this weekend because I'm going to drink myself blind. It is liberating. I feel like I'm winning against something that is outside of the normal realm of human existance. I have defined my life through pain and this is my way of cleansing myself from the worst hurt I've ever felt. The only thing I've noticed different now that I'm empty is that I get cold. I was cold today in my office and it felt good until I realized that I"m never cold. I will prove to myself that my own will is stronger than my body and that I can defeat it. If I can survive without food, then I can make it through this. This is my forest gump esk run accross the country without all the pesky running. I should have weighed myself before and after, but I didn't really plan on this until i was doubled over throwing up thinking about beth. I couldn't even think about food on sunday and yesterday was just as bad. Today I wanted to eat, and we had a real nice lunch paid for by the wholesalers that came in and I didn't have a bite of it. It made me feel strong. I have run until I couldn't see. I've blocked the stupid sled until I was dizzy. I've lifted more weight than most floor jacks can hold. I can defeat my own desires. When I've reached a point where I am satisfied with my pain than I will end it. That is why it's so appealing to me. When I've hit so low that I can't function I can make it all stop.
This pain will not go away any faster or slower no matter what I do. I am a broken man and all I want is my life back. It's gone. I am nothing anymore. I want to destroy myself and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Once I smack the bottom I'll be ready. For what? I don't know. Nobody could ever tell me, but it's out there. My life. I have to kill the old Isaac and move on to a stronger one. I will do this. I dont' know how.
posted by NJX70 at 7:25 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home