Why Another Waste of Time?
I was just wondering what I'd write about next. I had a landmark day at work and have a chance to right the ship and get on track coming in the next few weeks starting tomorrow. I also might pick up my CPAP machine tomorrow meaning that I'll be able to have a good night's sleep tomorrow night if I can get ahold of the dude that's set to deliver it.
So, why did I choose to write about the stupid title of this stupid page? Because it never changed. huh? I'm getting to it.
When I first started this blog I was so busy I could barely find the time to sit still. I was gaming competitively, I was playing pro football, I was commuting 6 hours a day, I was in a relationship, I started playing EQ, I was working on my truck, I was doing everything under the sun to have fun and it was taking up just about every second I had. Sure, some of it sounds stupid. I won't argure the merits of playing xbox competitively or in PC gaming as a quality use of my time. That's why when I started writting this, I called it "Another Waste of Time." That's what it was. I had so much stupid stuff taking up so much time that I really didn't think this was anything but another way for me to destroy a few hours a week and stop myself from doing productive things.
I was half right.
My first post "Hair Loss, Friends, and Time" was created because I knew what a blog was, I like to write, and I had something in my head that I wanted to talk about, but I didn't know who to turn to. I thought that writting it out and making it viewable to the few people that would stumble across my site would be interesting. I put a link to my site on my AIM profile (or my away message, I can't remember) and my friends started reading. After a couple weeks I was getting phone calls and IMs from people who read it and enjoyed my perspective.
I kept writting.
After a month I was in deep. I have always liked writing and this was a chance for me to write about stuff that I didn't know how to talk about or didn't particularly want to, but that kept frustrating me. I was going through all the end of the year bullshit that comes back every single november and just wanted to talk to someone without having to hear their reactions and feel stupid. Well, I did that, and when they gave me their reactions it made me feel good. After only a short while I was able to actually talk to people about my concerns. I never felt comfortable sharing feelings before I had this blog unless it was one of my closest friends and in the perfect situation. Writting on this blog has changed the way I communicate and it feels great.
I originally had every intention of changing the name of the site. It was just a joke about me finding something else pointless to do when I had no time as it was, but things just kept popping up that made me feel like it was appropriate. My store being delayed, the opening sucking ass, the store not doing well, spending 14 hours a day in a mall, the drive, everything felt like a waste. I actually remember when we had a new product presented to me and I was like, "great, another waste of time." and it fit. I started feeling like I was just blowing through the days and hoping that things would just work out eventually just because it would be nice if it did. I was trying to think of other titles that sounded interesting, but nothing else fit my life so well as wasting time.
Then I got my current job, gave Joe G my walking papers, was given my walking papers by the ex, and started working here. When I was studying for the 7, I never thought I'd pass it. It just wasn't going to happen. It felt like a waste because I was going to blow 4 months and end up a failure. As it turns out I was not... at least not yet.
I was in my new apartment with a fresh new job and a new life. Only problem was (and is) it's real hard to find much meaning. I feel like I'm just killing time. Day ater day I come home and make dinner, do some laundry (fuck, forgot to do that... I hate laundry), check my email, post here, play a game of CS:S or an hour or two of EQ, watch a movie/TV, and go to bed. It really doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Until I find myself doing something that's going to work out in the long run, and that includes my job, then I'm still going to feel like I'm just wasting time and adding things the the pile of time wasters past.
The landmark day was a bad one. Turns out the help my boss is willing to give me to get started is to give me good reccomendations to other brokerage firms. Fuck you. That's all I have to say about that. It hasnt' come to that yet, and if my apointment goes well tomorrow then I might have a way out of the shit, but I don't know, and I won't know for weeks. The Snake likes to insult, make you feel like shit, and tell you that failure is imminent to try to motivate even when he knows (because he can see all your call numbers, call times, in and out times on our parking cards, etc) I'm working my fucking ass off. A two hour meeting later I feel like I'm finished, but I won't go out without a fight. I have a chance to one punch knockout this past 6 months, but I have to convice someone that a complicated (yet 100% perfect for him and really an awesome investment) plan is what he needs. I'm so sure it's right for him that I'm really going to push it hard, but if he won't do it, then he won't do it. If I can get him to do it this month... then the past 6 months are OK. I am so sure I have the perfect solution. Only thing that can go wrong now is my presentation.
I could have my CPAP machine tomorrow. The guy who's in charge of giving it to me and making sure I know how to use it called me at 3:45PM to talk about it. I needed to "preauthorize" the device with my insurance, so I did so. While I was on hold, she called the guy and let him know it's going to be fine to give it to me, so all I had to do was get in touch with the guy and set up an apointment for tomorrow (the only day he's going to be in Morristown). I called him back at 4:30PM when I was off the phone with the girl from the insurance company and he was no longer there. The office was closed. WTF? I talked to a woman at their answering service and she tried to get in touch with him. She came back and said he was in a class or some shit and that he'd call me back. No call. So who knows when I'll get my shit squared away.
So when will this feeling of killing time go away? When I'm comfortable at my job? When I have cash to spend on toys like my trucks? When I am in love again? I don't know. One thing I do know is that I don't want to list my time at AG Edwards as a waste of time anytime soon.
Here is the part I don't know how to share. I've started the process to make sure I'm not wasting time much longer. Either my job straightens itself out and I start feeling like I'm getting somewhere with my life, or I have a plan B by the summer...
Semper Fi.
So, why did I choose to write about the stupid title of this stupid page? Because it never changed. huh? I'm getting to it.
When I first started this blog I was so busy I could barely find the time to sit still. I was gaming competitively, I was playing pro football, I was commuting 6 hours a day, I was in a relationship, I started playing EQ, I was working on my truck, I was doing everything under the sun to have fun and it was taking up just about every second I had. Sure, some of it sounds stupid. I won't argure the merits of playing xbox competitively or in PC gaming as a quality use of my time. That's why when I started writting this, I called it "Another Waste of Time." That's what it was. I had so much stupid stuff taking up so much time that I really didn't think this was anything but another way for me to destroy a few hours a week and stop myself from doing productive things.
I was half right.
My first post "Hair Loss, Friends, and Time" was created because I knew what a blog was, I like to write, and I had something in my head that I wanted to talk about, but I didn't know who to turn to. I thought that writting it out and making it viewable to the few people that would stumble across my site would be interesting. I put a link to my site on my AIM profile (or my away message, I can't remember) and my friends started reading. After a couple weeks I was getting phone calls and IMs from people who read it and enjoyed my perspective.
I kept writting.
After a month I was in deep. I have always liked writing and this was a chance for me to write about stuff that I didn't know how to talk about or didn't particularly want to, but that kept frustrating me. I was going through all the end of the year bullshit that comes back every single november and just wanted to talk to someone without having to hear their reactions and feel stupid. Well, I did that, and when they gave me their reactions it made me feel good. After only a short while I was able to actually talk to people about my concerns. I never felt comfortable sharing feelings before I had this blog unless it was one of my closest friends and in the perfect situation. Writting on this blog has changed the way I communicate and it feels great.
I originally had every intention of changing the name of the site. It was just a joke about me finding something else pointless to do when I had no time as it was, but things just kept popping up that made me feel like it was appropriate. My store being delayed, the opening sucking ass, the store not doing well, spending 14 hours a day in a mall, the drive, everything felt like a waste. I actually remember when we had a new product presented to me and I was like, "great, another waste of time." and it fit. I started feeling like I was just blowing through the days and hoping that things would just work out eventually just because it would be nice if it did. I was trying to think of other titles that sounded interesting, but nothing else fit my life so well as wasting time.
Then I got my current job, gave Joe G my walking papers, was given my walking papers by the ex, and started working here. When I was studying for the 7, I never thought I'd pass it. It just wasn't going to happen. It felt like a waste because I was going to blow 4 months and end up a failure. As it turns out I was not... at least not yet.
I was in my new apartment with a fresh new job and a new life. Only problem was (and is) it's real hard to find much meaning. I feel like I'm just killing time. Day ater day I come home and make dinner, do some laundry (fuck, forgot to do that... I hate laundry), check my email, post here, play a game of CS:S or an hour or two of EQ, watch a movie/TV, and go to bed. It really doesn't feel like I'm getting anywhere. Until I find myself doing something that's going to work out in the long run, and that includes my job, then I'm still going to feel like I'm just wasting time and adding things the the pile of time wasters past.
The landmark day was a bad one. Turns out the help my boss is willing to give me to get started is to give me good reccomendations to other brokerage firms. Fuck you. That's all I have to say about that. It hasnt' come to that yet, and if my apointment goes well tomorrow then I might have a way out of the shit, but I don't know, and I won't know for weeks. The Snake likes to insult, make you feel like shit, and tell you that failure is imminent to try to motivate even when he knows (because he can see all your call numbers, call times, in and out times on our parking cards, etc) I'm working my fucking ass off. A two hour meeting later I feel like I'm finished, but I won't go out without a fight. I have a chance to one punch knockout this past 6 months, but I have to convice someone that a complicated (yet 100% perfect for him and really an awesome investment) plan is what he needs. I'm so sure it's right for him that I'm really going to push it hard, but if he won't do it, then he won't do it. If I can get him to do it this month... then the past 6 months are OK. I am so sure I have the perfect solution. Only thing that can go wrong now is my presentation.
I could have my CPAP machine tomorrow. The guy who's in charge of giving it to me and making sure I know how to use it called me at 3:45PM to talk about it. I needed to "preauthorize" the device with my insurance, so I did so. While I was on hold, she called the guy and let him know it's going to be fine to give it to me, so all I had to do was get in touch with the guy and set up an apointment for tomorrow (the only day he's going to be in Morristown). I called him back at 4:30PM when I was off the phone with the girl from the insurance company and he was no longer there. The office was closed. WTF? I talked to a woman at their answering service and she tried to get in touch with him. She came back and said he was in a class or some shit and that he'd call me back. No call. So who knows when I'll get my shit squared away.
So when will this feeling of killing time go away? When I'm comfortable at my job? When I have cash to spend on toys like my trucks? When I am in love again? I don't know. One thing I do know is that I don't want to list my time at AG Edwards as a waste of time anytime soon.
Here is the part I don't know how to share. I've started the process to make sure I'm not wasting time much longer. Either my job straightens itself out and I start feeling like I'm getting somewhere with my life, or I have a plan B by the summer...
Semper Fi.
posted by NJX70 at 6:50 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home