Looking for so much more
I don't know what's going on anymore. What a weekend. It started a day early when I drank myself into oblivion on my birthday and was so hung over I couldn't stand upright the next morning, then it continued to a night in with friends on Friday, and my dad's annual christmas party on saturday, and ended up me freaking out and running back to my apartment this morning.
I tried to say to my family without having to explain and get emotional what was wrong, but they weren't reading between the lines so I just had to go. My aunt and uncle were coming up to my folk's place today to see me and my sister for our birthdays, but nobody told me this shit until I was ready to go, and by that point I was not going to stay. I try to tell my parents that if they want me to do something they have to tell me ahead of time, but they don't listen. There was no way, first of all, that I was going to stay all night tonight and end up driving back here at 1am. It just wasn't going to happen.
What I tried to explain was what that house, that room, that street, that drive, that town, that life, was to me. They don't realize the time I spent there was minimal and that the memories I lived through were life changing. It was either super highs or super lows. The amazing part is my mom basically went around our house and collected the stuff I didn't bring with me and decorated my old room. It is simple stuff. It's the chopping block I built for the theater department in college. It's a team photo from the nationalallstars.com bowl. It's a desk callendar that's forever march 10th, 2005. It's my first full size bed. It's enough scraps of memories to bring back such a flood that it hurt. I didn't sleep. I tried, but every time my eyes closed there was something inside that I could see perfectly. I dreamt of signing contracts, coming home for winter break, crying on the floor, 10 hour halo sessions with Brad over xbconnect, the last time I felt the touch of someone who loved me, my first blog entry, my 5 year high school reunion. It hurt. I woke up and had to get out. I sat up and even the window AC that I put in that stays in year round made me think about the times I spent in that room. It was only a place I went to when it was time to see family for short periods of time between college and college. I said it as kindly as I could and without being negative. I really hate that house to death, but I said it nicely. I said, "I can't sleep here anymore. I wasn't here long enough to have enough memories and the ones I have I don't want to feel anymore." My mom looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about, but she knows. I signed the paperwork for the SI Xtreme, AG Edwards, and my apartment on the dining room table. I got the call that she was leaving me in the living room. Easter weekend. I fought with Joe G from my bedroom. I made more life changing decisions sitting at this computer in that house in that old room than I did anywhere else. I still remember taking the call from the Xtreme when I told him I'd be at camp knowing I couldn't tell him I was through.
All the fun memories of growing up were in the home we left behind when my parents decided they wanted to live in a nicer town. I'll always remember how much I hated that decision (and how much I hate it to this day). I lived in that house when I was standing on thin ice with everything. Worst part? I didn't even know it. I saw nothing coming. All of a sudden my store was failing, my girl was leaving, my football career was over, I was going to move, and I had nothing to hold onto. I don't have much to hold onto now.
I decided I wasn't going to answer the question on eharmony, "what are you most passionate about" because I'm not sure. I work hard. I try hard to bring in clients. I love my family. I love my friends. I don't know where to go from there. I come home to my apartment at night and I'm not even sure what to do next. Sure there's dinner, laundry, dishes, organization, etc, but what else is there? I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I don't have a lot going on. I think it's a side affect of being so busy for so long. Now, I really have all the time in the world and nothing to fill it. I don't even play video games much anymore. They aren't so much fun when they're all you have to do. I've started reading more, but the books I have are mostly sales books and they really don't bring much more than motivation at work... which I had allready. This site has been a fun part of what I do, but I HATE complaining and that's what this has turned into more times than not.
I'm just looking for something. I don't even know what. Once I have money I'll be back at rebuilding my truck, but that's a money thing. That will also bring 4wheeling back into my life. That was something I was painfully into, but nowadays I don't even look at my 4wheeler magazine when it comes every month. I have no interest. Add to that the stack of sealed Xbox magazines around here and you have a couple of wasted bucks.
I feel there is something more out there. Something bigger to care about. Something I can look forward to and work at that will last as an interest, but right now I don't know what it is. I'm sure having money to throw at different ideas would help, but I'm not in that position yet.
I've been looking to games and internet sites for things that will motivate me to do something creative and challenging. I've been working on a couple differnet posts for Games Are For Children, but none of them have been finished yet and it's been weeks. I tried getting deep into EverQuest, but watching friends get in too deep makes it no fun. Archangel makes me uncomfortable now. It used to be about him and I having fun together online. That's why he started, that's why I played a low end toon, that's why we joined the same guilds, but now it's changed. He's always angry at me, it's become a competition, and it's just not fun anymore. That's two friends I've introduced to EQ and 2 trips to the inactive roster for me. Only difference here is I don't know if he's going to come around. It was fun for a while, but now it's just weird. Today I went out and spent all the 30 bucks I got for my birthday on HalfLife2/Counter Strike Source... and spent the rest of my fucking day trying to install it to no avail. I'm about ready to bring that piece of shit back. Why did I want it? Because it's the #2 played online game behind World of Warcraft which I AM NOT even going to try. If that many FPS fans play a game it's got to be worth spending time with, right? CS:S has become something of a cultural phenomenon and I've never had any interest. I played the xbox version for a grand total of an hour before I relized it wasn't for me. I just spent 8 hours trying to configure my computer to run it. I need to try it again. If it's challenging and gives me something to do then maybe it's something that I can use to divert some hours. Maybe I'll be passionate about it like I was Rainbow Six 3... nah, doubt it, but it would be nice. Fuck you for judging me, by the way. It's something that takes focus and practice. What else is there that makes you sit on edge that you can do for 30 bucks? I also found a few forums of interest and starting putting up posts there, but that's another empty time filler. If they were active communities that had meaningful conversations I'd be happy to join in with a post here and there, but each one I've found lacks something. I LOVED paintball, but I can't do that more than once and a while due to cost. Same with 4wheeling. That's probably what I'm most passionate about, but it costs THOUSANDS to build and maintain a powerful 4wheeler. I want a sweet street bike, but again... money.
Speaking of money, I need to sleep so I can go make some.
I tried to say to my family without having to explain and get emotional what was wrong, but they weren't reading between the lines so I just had to go. My aunt and uncle were coming up to my folk's place today to see me and my sister for our birthdays, but nobody told me this shit until I was ready to go, and by that point I was not going to stay. I try to tell my parents that if they want me to do something they have to tell me ahead of time, but they don't listen. There was no way, first of all, that I was going to stay all night tonight and end up driving back here at 1am. It just wasn't going to happen.
What I tried to explain was what that house, that room, that street, that drive, that town, that life, was to me. They don't realize the time I spent there was minimal and that the memories I lived through were life changing. It was either super highs or super lows. The amazing part is my mom basically went around our house and collected the stuff I didn't bring with me and decorated my old room. It is simple stuff. It's the chopping block I built for the theater department in college. It's a team photo from the nationalallstars.com bowl. It's a desk callendar that's forever march 10th, 2005. It's my first full size bed. It's enough scraps of memories to bring back such a flood that it hurt. I didn't sleep. I tried, but every time my eyes closed there was something inside that I could see perfectly. I dreamt of signing contracts, coming home for winter break, crying on the floor, 10 hour halo sessions with Brad over xbconnect, the last time I felt the touch of someone who loved me, my first blog entry, my 5 year high school reunion. It hurt. I woke up and had to get out. I sat up and even the window AC that I put in that stays in year round made me think about the times I spent in that room. It was only a place I went to when it was time to see family for short periods of time between college and college. I said it as kindly as I could and without being negative. I really hate that house to death, but I said it nicely. I said, "I can't sleep here anymore. I wasn't here long enough to have enough memories and the ones I have I don't want to feel anymore." My mom looked at me like she had no idea what I was talking about, but she knows. I signed the paperwork for the SI Xtreme, AG Edwards, and my apartment on the dining room table. I got the call that she was leaving me in the living room. Easter weekend. I fought with Joe G from my bedroom. I made more life changing decisions sitting at this computer in that house in that old room than I did anywhere else. I still remember taking the call from the Xtreme when I told him I'd be at camp knowing I couldn't tell him I was through.
All the fun memories of growing up were in the home we left behind when my parents decided they wanted to live in a nicer town. I'll always remember how much I hated that decision (and how much I hate it to this day). I lived in that house when I was standing on thin ice with everything. Worst part? I didn't even know it. I saw nothing coming. All of a sudden my store was failing, my girl was leaving, my football career was over, I was going to move, and I had nothing to hold onto. I don't have much to hold onto now.
I decided I wasn't going to answer the question on eharmony, "what are you most passionate about" because I'm not sure. I work hard. I try hard to bring in clients. I love my family. I love my friends. I don't know where to go from there. I come home to my apartment at night and I'm not even sure what to do next. Sure there's dinner, laundry, dishes, organization, etc, but what else is there? I'm having a hard time coming to grips with the fact that I don't have a lot going on. I think it's a side affect of being so busy for so long. Now, I really have all the time in the world and nothing to fill it. I don't even play video games much anymore. They aren't so much fun when they're all you have to do. I've started reading more, but the books I have are mostly sales books and they really don't bring much more than motivation at work... which I had allready. This site has been a fun part of what I do, but I HATE complaining and that's what this has turned into more times than not.
I'm just looking for something. I don't even know what. Once I have money I'll be back at rebuilding my truck, but that's a money thing. That will also bring 4wheeling back into my life. That was something I was painfully into, but nowadays I don't even look at my 4wheeler magazine when it comes every month. I have no interest. Add to that the stack of sealed Xbox magazines around here and you have a couple of wasted bucks.
I feel there is something more out there. Something bigger to care about. Something I can look forward to and work at that will last as an interest, but right now I don't know what it is. I'm sure having money to throw at different ideas would help, but I'm not in that position yet.
I've been looking to games and internet sites for things that will motivate me to do something creative and challenging. I've been working on a couple differnet posts for Games Are For Children, but none of them have been finished yet and it's been weeks. I tried getting deep into EverQuest, but watching friends get in too deep makes it no fun. Archangel makes me uncomfortable now. It used to be about him and I having fun together online. That's why he started, that's why I played a low end toon, that's why we joined the same guilds, but now it's changed. He's always angry at me, it's become a competition, and it's just not fun anymore. That's two friends I've introduced to EQ and 2 trips to the inactive roster for me. Only difference here is I don't know if he's going to come around. It was fun for a while, but now it's just weird. Today I went out and spent all the 30 bucks I got for my birthday on HalfLife2/Counter Strike Source... and spent the rest of my fucking day trying to install it to no avail. I'm about ready to bring that piece of shit back. Why did I want it? Because it's the #2 played online game behind World of Warcraft which I AM NOT even going to try. If that many FPS fans play a game it's got to be worth spending time with, right? CS:S has become something of a cultural phenomenon and I've never had any interest. I played the xbox version for a grand total of an hour before I relized it wasn't for me. I just spent 8 hours trying to configure my computer to run it. I need to try it again. If it's challenging and gives me something to do then maybe it's something that I can use to divert some hours. Maybe I'll be passionate about it like I was Rainbow Six 3... nah, doubt it, but it would be nice. Fuck you for judging me, by the way. It's something that takes focus and practice. What else is there that makes you sit on edge that you can do for 30 bucks? I also found a few forums of interest and starting putting up posts there, but that's another empty time filler. If they were active communities that had meaningful conversations I'd be happy to join in with a post here and there, but each one I've found lacks something. I LOVED paintball, but I can't do that more than once and a while due to cost. Same with 4wheeling. That's probably what I'm most passionate about, but it costs THOUSANDS to build and maintain a powerful 4wheeler. I want a sweet street bike, but again... money.
Speaking of money, I need to sleep so I can go make some.
posted by NJX70 at 11:49 PM
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