Just Wastin Time
I've decided that the theme song of this month is Killin Time by Zakk Wyle's Black Label Society. His guitar solo is something that could be playing in my head all day long and I'd be totally cool with it.
I'm starting to feel like I'm here to waste time. Guess it fits with the title of this piece of shit blog, but it's becoming a way of life.
I started thinking today at work while I was blowing an hour on yahoo news that I wanted to go home. I then thought about WHY. Wasn't really sure. Was looking forward to some things, and trying to be optimistic, but it becomes increasingly hard to count on things. Take 1 part lack of self confidence in situations where I'm putting out effort, 1 part not really talking to anyone about it, and 10 parts having plenty of time to think and you get a silly feeling of needing reasurance for stuff. That could be anything. I'm a worrier by nature. It's that formula I outlined above. I find something I want and when it's something difficult I need to know I'm doing things right. I HATE cold calling. I used to think it was just a necessary evil, but it's becoming so hard to wake up and know that's what I have to do all day. Why? Because 1. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, 2. There's nobody to talk about it with, 3. I have a shitload of time to myself to think about it. That's a great example of how things get to become an issue in my life. Work isn't the only one, believe me, there are plenty of things in my life that fit that formula well.
Off topic... returning... so anyways, I was wondering why I was so ready to go home. I've cut back on doing things in my apartment and have been branching out and trying to find other shit to do. I've been running stairs in my building when it's raining or freezing out (which has been every fucking night... mother nature, you bitch) and I've been leaving town more. Even if it's only to hit the grocery store for some little things I'm finding ways out of the apartment. When I'm in here I'm trying to do shit other than waste away in front of this computer. For one, I hate the image it projects... especially when meeting new people. Being in front of this computer, if it's downloading music, TV shows, reading up on stuff, writting here, playing games, or whatever... I'm still in front of a computer. The games thing bothers me a lot now. I guess it's because if I'm playing EverQuest and someone asks me what I'm doing and I'm honest I feel like I've just lost about half of all earned street cred. I was a fucking pro football player for christ's sake. Can't a man play a game? I don't think I've been judged too harshly yet, but I feel that gross bubbling sickness feeling in my stomach anytime someone sees that I have an xbox with a live headset out. I promptly put anything game related away when friends are coming over. I never know what they see and with my current doubts about my physical apearance I really don't want to fuck anything else up.
OK, off topic again... coming back...
So, when I realized I wasn't sure why I was looking forward to going home it made me feel stupid for wanting to go home. Why not spend all my waking hours on the phone bringing in business? I don't really have much to come home to. The things I really look forward to are in the future (and the weekends), so the here and now really doesn't give me much to do but watch the clock spin and go to bed. That's another reason why Killin Time is now the theme song of the month.
This whole job thing is causing me to readjust my annual internal clock. I get this ansy feeling every summer to get into the gym and get ready for the fall. Then the winter comes and it's basketball and workout time again until the spring when it's straight weights until mid summer when it's back to running and lifting and then we start again. The summer means freedom and play time. The fall means serious business, parties, class. The winter means family, relaxation, baking christmas cookies and listening to Bing Crosby. The spring is fun, conditioning, parties, nice weather, vacation, more parties, and preparation for summer. Every year means I elevate to another level of whatever the hell I'm doing. Every fall means the old job is gone and the serious business can start again.
Now it's like this: Fall means work, winter means work, spring means work, summer means work. Next year will be the same as this year. Rinse. Repeat.
Of course at this job I should be spiraling upwards towards a life that I read about in magazines, but when you're being told to fuck off 200 times a day (or 100 like the past week) it makes it hard to believe that one day you'll be there. There's no guarante that next year you'll be a sophomore and no longer the whipping boy. There's no guarantee that once the senior graudates you get his position because you have worked hard. There's no new group of people to party with coming in every year.
Then there's living alone:
That's about what it's like. I realize what I'm doing now and I have to stop. I'm talking Helder and Joe's ears off because those are the only people I really talk to on a daily basis. When I tell a story that happened today that relates to something that happened a week ago they are the only ones that don't need the back story. They are the only ones that will be there to bust my balls when I do something stupid and the only ones that have my back when I'm having a horrible day. I'm planning to do somehting nice for the both of them this holiday season, but it's going to basically be construction paper and painted pasta because I don't have shit to spend. I'll leave it at that. Who knows who reads this. So anyways, I talk to them because I'm using them as my release. I'm also stopping them from getting shit done. I know they are serious about this career just like I am, and it's not helping anyone that I talk so much. I'm going to try to keep a lot more shit quiet and then come on here and talk to you guys... whoever you are.
I need to talk to someone once and a while just to clear the stupid things I have stored in my head once and a while. I'm notorious for talking too much and being too open and too honest. I let people in too fast. Helder and Joe are like brothers now, but I need to stop letting my lack of talk targets get in their way. Plus, if I act like I CAN'T talk to them then maybe I'll get more done too. We'll see how this goes.
On another note, I've been linked to again. It always makes me smile when someone enjoys themself here enough to post a link to me on their own site. I can't tell if my bitching is pathetic enough to make me comical or if it's something I've said or done that has entertained someone enough to actually want to come back, but I'm going to post the link to her site tonight. I've already posted for her to holler at me if I don't do it, and remembering now is half the battle.
Oh, and my sleep study was moved up to the 30th. Now I get to go in a little earlier. I'm happy about that because the longer I'm a sleepless cafinated nervous worrying pussy the longer I'm not doing my job to the best of my ability and the longer I don't have the motivation to get out and do shit and the longer until I'm really 100% happy. Now that I've actually pinpointed that there is a problem with my sleep I won't be happy until it's fixed. I can be happy with situations, but to be completely happy I will lay in bed, close my eyes, and wake up the next morning refreshed and recharged... ready to take on a new day that has the opportunity to be the best day of my life. Right now I go to bed pissed that I didn't get everything done that I had planned to do and then wake up feeling like someone beat my fucking ass.
Speaking of, the garbage men fucked up with the fork of the dumpster lifting arm and had to actually BANG THE STEEL DUMPSTER ON THE GROUND TO GET IT FREE. Picture a young child with a burnt up marshmello on a stick trying to get it off without touching it by smacking it on the ground over and over. That's what they did... WITH A MASSIVE STEEL DUMPSTER. But that wasn't the first time I was woken up last night. When that dude came up to ask me about a loud thumping and then loud footsteps I was basically like, "not me, mac" and went back to bed. Last night I woke up at 3something in the morning to what sounded like someone using a sledgehammer to break into my apartment and then loud footsteps. Again, my first instinct was get up and protect the ocupants of your place... just like it would have been in any other situation in my life when I've had people to protect. (I've actually walked through scenarios where someone breaks into my folk's house and I had to fight someone off... O Line syndrome) So I get out of bed and walk into the living room. The sound wasn't actually coming from my door or wall like it sounded. It could have been outside, above, below, wherever, but it shot me into battle mode faster than even the guy yelling at me through the door. I called my super tonight to let him know that some dickface is making a career out of breaking rocks in his apartment at 3am. Phone calls were not immediately returned by the super. (I learned that from the AP.) So we'll see what happens with that. So today after work I stopped by downstairs to see if that was the same noise they heard the other night. The girl that answered the door told me she wasn't sure, but that she wasn't staying there with her boyfriend anymore (actual words, "We're staying in Jersey City at my place from now on and we're looking at houses.) Please note the two WEs. I just reread that and it didn't sound as bad as when she said it. She had that girlfriendy twang that said it in an annoying fashion. Long story short, she said they hadn't slept through a night in a year. I haven't heard shit until people starting pointing things out to me. It's been like the fucking halls of solitude for months with the exception of garbage day... monday... 7am. I've been woken up twice because of The Thumper THIS WEEK. So when I asked her about the noise she said she heard a lot more than I did. She said she heard the thumping and stomping, but she also heard someone screaming and made it sound like murders were going on in my apartment building. Whatever. I've been here since May and I've been woken up by noise 1 time. I've never EVER heard anything else. I think I can live with one wakeup every 6 months. I think she's a little over the top with her description, but I wanted to make sure I logged my complaint along side anyone elses so I don't end up with angry people at my door in the dark of night... again.
Just got a phonecall that I was looking forward to.
On that note
I'm starting to feel like I'm here to waste time. Guess it fits with the title of this piece of shit blog, but it's becoming a way of life.
I started thinking today at work while I was blowing an hour on yahoo news that I wanted to go home. I then thought about WHY. Wasn't really sure. Was looking forward to some things, and trying to be optimistic, but it becomes increasingly hard to count on things. Take 1 part lack of self confidence in situations where I'm putting out effort, 1 part not really talking to anyone about it, and 10 parts having plenty of time to think and you get a silly feeling of needing reasurance for stuff. That could be anything. I'm a worrier by nature. It's that formula I outlined above. I find something I want and when it's something difficult I need to know I'm doing things right. I HATE cold calling. I used to think it was just a necessary evil, but it's becoming so hard to wake up and know that's what I have to do all day. Why? Because 1. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, 2. There's nobody to talk about it with, 3. I have a shitload of time to myself to think about it. That's a great example of how things get to become an issue in my life. Work isn't the only one, believe me, there are plenty of things in my life that fit that formula well.
Off topic... returning... so anyways, I was wondering why I was so ready to go home. I've cut back on doing things in my apartment and have been branching out and trying to find other shit to do. I've been running stairs in my building when it's raining or freezing out (which has been every fucking night... mother nature, you bitch) and I've been leaving town more. Even if it's only to hit the grocery store for some little things I'm finding ways out of the apartment. When I'm in here I'm trying to do shit other than waste away in front of this computer. For one, I hate the image it projects... especially when meeting new people. Being in front of this computer, if it's downloading music, TV shows, reading up on stuff, writting here, playing games, or whatever... I'm still in front of a computer. The games thing bothers me a lot now. I guess it's because if I'm playing EverQuest and someone asks me what I'm doing and I'm honest I feel like I've just lost about half of all earned street cred. I was a fucking pro football player for christ's sake. Can't a man play a game? I don't think I've been judged too harshly yet, but I feel that gross bubbling sickness feeling in my stomach anytime someone sees that I have an xbox with a live headset out. I promptly put anything game related away when friends are coming over. I never know what they see and with my current doubts about my physical apearance I really don't want to fuck anything else up.
OK, off topic again... coming back...
So, when I realized I wasn't sure why I was looking forward to going home it made me feel stupid for wanting to go home. Why not spend all my waking hours on the phone bringing in business? I don't really have much to come home to. The things I really look forward to are in the future (and the weekends), so the here and now really doesn't give me much to do but watch the clock spin and go to bed. That's another reason why Killin Time is now the theme song of the month.
This whole job thing is causing me to readjust my annual internal clock. I get this ansy feeling every summer to get into the gym and get ready for the fall. Then the winter comes and it's basketball and workout time again until the spring when it's straight weights until mid summer when it's back to running and lifting and then we start again. The summer means freedom and play time. The fall means serious business, parties, class. The winter means family, relaxation, baking christmas cookies and listening to Bing Crosby. The spring is fun, conditioning, parties, nice weather, vacation, more parties, and preparation for summer. Every year means I elevate to another level of whatever the hell I'm doing. Every fall means the old job is gone and the serious business can start again.
Now it's like this: Fall means work, winter means work, spring means work, summer means work. Next year will be the same as this year. Rinse. Repeat.
Of course at this job I should be spiraling upwards towards a life that I read about in magazines, but when you're being told to fuck off 200 times a day (or 100 like the past week) it makes it hard to believe that one day you'll be there. There's no guarante that next year you'll be a sophomore and no longer the whipping boy. There's no guarantee that once the senior graudates you get his position because you have worked hard. There's no new group of people to party with coming in every year.
Then there's living alone:
That's about what it's like. I realize what I'm doing now and I have to stop. I'm talking Helder and Joe's ears off because those are the only people I really talk to on a daily basis. When I tell a story that happened today that relates to something that happened a week ago they are the only ones that don't need the back story. They are the only ones that will be there to bust my balls when I do something stupid and the only ones that have my back when I'm having a horrible day. I'm planning to do somehting nice for the both of them this holiday season, but it's going to basically be construction paper and painted pasta because I don't have shit to spend. I'll leave it at that. Who knows who reads this. So anyways, I talk to them because I'm using them as my release. I'm also stopping them from getting shit done. I know they are serious about this career just like I am, and it's not helping anyone that I talk so much. I'm going to try to keep a lot more shit quiet and then come on here and talk to you guys... whoever you are.
I need to talk to someone once and a while just to clear the stupid things I have stored in my head once and a while. I'm notorious for talking too much and being too open and too honest. I let people in too fast. Helder and Joe are like brothers now, but I need to stop letting my lack of talk targets get in their way. Plus, if I act like I CAN'T talk to them then maybe I'll get more done too. We'll see how this goes.
On another note, I've been linked to again. It always makes me smile when someone enjoys themself here enough to post a link to me on their own site. I can't tell if my bitching is pathetic enough to make me comical or if it's something I've said or done that has entertained someone enough to actually want to come back, but I'm going to post the link to her site tonight. I've already posted for her to holler at me if I don't do it, and remembering now is half the battle.
Oh, and my sleep study was moved up to the 30th. Now I get to go in a little earlier. I'm happy about that because the longer I'm a sleepless cafinated nervous worrying pussy the longer I'm not doing my job to the best of my ability and the longer I don't have the motivation to get out and do shit and the longer until I'm really 100% happy. Now that I've actually pinpointed that there is a problem with my sleep I won't be happy until it's fixed. I can be happy with situations, but to be completely happy I will lay in bed, close my eyes, and wake up the next morning refreshed and recharged... ready to take on a new day that has the opportunity to be the best day of my life. Right now I go to bed pissed that I didn't get everything done that I had planned to do and then wake up feeling like someone beat my fucking ass.
Speaking of, the garbage men fucked up with the fork of the dumpster lifting arm and had to actually BANG THE STEEL DUMPSTER ON THE GROUND TO GET IT FREE. Picture a young child with a burnt up marshmello on a stick trying to get it off without touching it by smacking it on the ground over and over. That's what they did... WITH A MASSIVE STEEL DUMPSTER. But that wasn't the first time I was woken up last night. When that dude came up to ask me about a loud thumping and then loud footsteps I was basically like, "not me, mac" and went back to bed. Last night I woke up at 3something in the morning to what sounded like someone using a sledgehammer to break into my apartment and then loud footsteps. Again, my first instinct was get up and protect the ocupants of your place... just like it would have been in any other situation in my life when I've had people to protect. (I've actually walked through scenarios where someone breaks into my folk's house and I had to fight someone off... O Line syndrome) So I get out of bed and walk into the living room. The sound wasn't actually coming from my door or wall like it sounded. It could have been outside, above, below, wherever, but it shot me into battle mode faster than even the guy yelling at me through the door. I called my super tonight to let him know that some dickface is making a career out of breaking rocks in his apartment at 3am. Phone calls were not immediately returned by the super. (I learned that from the AP.) So we'll see what happens with that. So today after work I stopped by downstairs to see if that was the same noise they heard the other night. The girl that answered the door told me she wasn't sure, but that she wasn't staying there with her boyfriend anymore (actual words, "We're staying in Jersey City at my place from now on and we're looking at houses.) Please note the two WEs. I just reread that and it didn't sound as bad as when she said it. She had that girlfriendy twang that said it in an annoying fashion. Long story short, she said they hadn't slept through a night in a year. I haven't heard shit until people starting pointing things out to me. It's been like the fucking halls of solitude for months with the exception of garbage day... monday... 7am. I've been woken up twice because of The Thumper THIS WEEK. So when I asked her about the noise she said she heard a lot more than I did. She said she heard the thumping and stomping, but she also heard someone screaming and made it sound like murders were going on in my apartment building. Whatever. I've been here since May and I've been woken up by noise 1 time. I've never EVER heard anything else. I think I can live with one wakeup every 6 months. I think she's a little over the top with her description, but I wanted to make sure I logged my complaint along side anyone elses so I don't end up with angry people at my door in the dark of night... again.
Just got a phonecall that I was looking forward to.
On that note
posted by NJX70 at 10:25 PM
1 Comments:
Just stoppin' to "holla"! Born and raised in Morristown, NJ!
Peace................
Post a Comment
<< Home