My 5 Hours
Today was the first day my store was officially open. We had phones and paperwork and customers... no sales, but customers. The best way to say it is a lot of action but no numbers. I hope things only get better. I wore my dress boots so I would look professional and now I feel like I was stomping on marbles all day. I went out to buy stools for the store and realized only after the half hour it took to do a price check on the ones I picked out at target that I did not bring my check card. I left it at home because last night I decided to check my balance online like a good lil boy and forgot to put it back in my wallet. What a dope. So I wasted a good hour between driving and shopping and came back with nothing. On top of that I had to stand in my store on the lumpy ass floor of the Stroud Mall with no relief for the rest of the night. Also, because I am scheduling people for the first time I botched it up and didn't have anyone to close so I had to stay. I made it 13 hours today before I finally tapped out and went home 2 hours before the mall actually closed. I called Joe G and he was like, "isn't a bit early for the mall to be closed?" I replied with, "yes, but I've been in that store for 13 hours because of a mistake I made with my employees and I couldn't take another second on my feet." Surprisingly that worked and he let it go, but I was expecting a lecture. I did get a mini lecture about giving a key to my assistant manager. He wants me to drive out to the mall at 7am, open the locks, go back home, catch some sleep, and come back to close the store. Not bloody likely. That totally defeats the purpose of working close to home. I expect to work long hours and get little time to myself for a while, but I do not expect it to be more than necessary. Rose, my assistant manager, is a navy vet, has worked in the NYU medical center, and is older and more experienced with record keeping than I am. I trust her to not clean us out, and Joe G should do the same. He did have me get her on the phone for a three way conversation. Not the best thing to be figuring out for the first time while driving down the highway in the pouring rain in a truck with 1 year old wipers, but I did it. She is very mature and intelligent, but she does sound very young on the phone, so I was a bit worried that Joe G would call me back later and tell me to get the key back, but he hasn't thus far. His problem with it was that I didn't run it by him. Now I know he's the boss and that this is HIS store, but God damn it. The things he asks of me sometimes just don't make sense. I know the inventory in the store being stolen would hurt the company, but that is why we have insurance. If I am not qualified to make a decision on who can open the store for a couple of slow hours before I get in so I can only work 10 hours instead of 14 he should not have given me this assignment. I will sell a lot of phones because I will keep this ship upright and moving in the right direction. Back to Rose, I didn't hire her for any reason besides the fact that I knew I could trust her. Until she's violated that trust I will give her that key and expect her to open that store and do what she's supposed to do. I will prove to Joe G and to my checkbook that I have what it takes to get the job done MY way.
Wow, I am really tired. I don't know what it says about humans that it makes us tired just to stand upright for a day, but I don't think it's good. Mabye it's just me, or me and every other "mortally obese" person lumbering around, but I HATE standing up for long periods of time. I'm even better if I'm running and jumping than if I'm just standing in one place. If you were wondering, I am classified by weight as mortally obese. I am 325lbs and 6'3". According to the Marine Corps I am something like 110lbs overweight. I know there are adjusters to athletic ability and body fat, but I get a kick out of looking on height/weight charts and seeing myself in the "you should be dead, fatty" category even though I am quite the lil athlete.
I figured out today what I need to feel regular. I need about 5 hours a day of unscripted time to do whatever the hell I feel like doing. I normally like to read news and bullshit on the internet, play Xbox, and talk to my mom and dad, basically nothing. If I don't get at least 5 hours to decide what I'm doing without having something that needs to be done I end up not sleeping. Last night I was a zombie at 10pm, but I ended up doing research on the internet into digital cameras, video games, money making schemes, the news, and everything else that caught my eye until 3am. I had to be up again at 8 and new I was going to feel like shit if I didn't go to bed, but I couldn't. I repeatedly had to click one more link or look up one more story until my eyes got so blurry that I had to lean forward and take off my glasses to see the letters on the screen. It wasn't until I'd been at it for about 3 hours that I finally forced myself to go to bed. I know I'm making good money now and that working for extra hours gives me extra money and extra sales and extra commission, but the idea of giving up my 5 hours is so painful in my head that I feel like I've just had a huge net thrown over me or like I just jumped onto a pool cover and sunk down in the water with thick blue bubble wrap all around me. It's almost like a feeling of claustrophobia only it has to do with time. It actually feels scary. People wonder why I have trouble making plans on the weekends because that is "fun time" to be "spent with friends." To me it's a chance to catch up on all the information and all the stories and all the games that I missed while I was at work. I don't feel right unless I've had a full weekend day to just throw into the chipper. If I have a busy weekend, I don't feel "right" until at least Wednesday. I feel tired and cranky and really don't want to be bothered by anything or anybody. Now I love my friends and I love going out boozing or whatever, but I hate Sundays after a good weekend. I feel that sinking in the pool cover feeling all over again and I just can't waste enough time. There are some Saturdays where I'll set my alarm for 8 or 9 AM and then just get up, eat breakfast, and watch my fish swim around for hours before I lay on the couch and watch TV for hours and then log onto Everquest or Xbox Live for the rest of the night. That is what I look forward to? NOOOOO! I look forward to boozing with my friends, seeing my girl, going out on the town, but I can't do those things without a sick feeling in my stomach when they're all over and I know that I am running out of weekend time. And just for the record, I don't know when the next day I'm going to have off is going to be. Most likely Christmas Day. Then New Years Day, then probably Easter Sunday. Every weekend I used to have is gone. Every night that I could stay up and do whatever the fuck I felt like until I just couldn't take anymore and the sun was coming up are gone. All the fun I used to have because I knew I didn't have to wake up at any specific time is over. I don't know what I'm going to do. One day I dream of working my 40 hours and having my 2 days off again. Those days are far in my future (or way too close if my store fails, that is the duality of my bullshit whining spree). When I went to Target today, I was waiting on my price check and just watching the women working the registers go about their business. They could give two shits if Target succeeds or fails. They have no say in the company. If they work their asses off and do a really good job, there is no way that Target is going to even feel a slight ripple in their profits. They are just cogs in a machine. They get their paychecks and do what they do, but they don't have to care. I hate going back to cliché philosophical references, but I was the man looking up into the sun feeling the pain in my eyes and wishing I could go back into the chains and only see the shadows dancing on the walls. I know I cannot. I am forced to move onward and upward by the stupidity of the human brain. I have seen the sun and no longer will find the shadows to be fulfilling, but damn do those chains look comfortable when you realize that your 5 hours are gone for the foreseeable future.
I don't know if it's obvious, but the way it's so hard for me to meet up with people and spend time with friends is a serious issue for me. I don't see myself ending this line of thought here. I know it will come back. I just hope through writing and sharing how I really feel that one day I'll understand myself well enough to change myself for the better... or actually give people something entertaining to read one day. Either way, goodbye.
Wow, I am really tired. I don't know what it says about humans that it makes us tired just to stand upright for a day, but I don't think it's good. Mabye it's just me, or me and every other "mortally obese" person lumbering around, but I HATE standing up for long periods of time. I'm even better if I'm running and jumping than if I'm just standing in one place. If you were wondering, I am classified by weight as mortally obese. I am 325lbs and 6'3". According to the Marine Corps I am something like 110lbs overweight. I know there are adjusters to athletic ability and body fat, but I get a kick out of looking on height/weight charts and seeing myself in the "you should be dead, fatty" category even though I am quite the lil athlete.
I figured out today what I need to feel regular. I need about 5 hours a day of unscripted time to do whatever the hell I feel like doing. I normally like to read news and bullshit on the internet, play Xbox, and talk to my mom and dad, basically nothing. If I don't get at least 5 hours to decide what I'm doing without having something that needs to be done I end up not sleeping. Last night I was a zombie at 10pm, but I ended up doing research on the internet into digital cameras, video games, money making schemes, the news, and everything else that caught my eye until 3am. I had to be up again at 8 and new I was going to feel like shit if I didn't go to bed, but I couldn't. I repeatedly had to click one more link or look up one more story until my eyes got so blurry that I had to lean forward and take off my glasses to see the letters on the screen. It wasn't until I'd been at it for about 3 hours that I finally forced myself to go to bed. I know I'm making good money now and that working for extra hours gives me extra money and extra sales and extra commission, but the idea of giving up my 5 hours is so painful in my head that I feel like I've just had a huge net thrown over me or like I just jumped onto a pool cover and sunk down in the water with thick blue bubble wrap all around me. It's almost like a feeling of claustrophobia only it has to do with time. It actually feels scary. People wonder why I have trouble making plans on the weekends because that is "fun time" to be "spent with friends." To me it's a chance to catch up on all the information and all the stories and all the games that I missed while I was at work. I don't feel right unless I've had a full weekend day to just throw into the chipper. If I have a busy weekend, I don't feel "right" until at least Wednesday. I feel tired and cranky and really don't want to be bothered by anything or anybody. Now I love my friends and I love going out boozing or whatever, but I hate Sundays after a good weekend. I feel that sinking in the pool cover feeling all over again and I just can't waste enough time. There are some Saturdays where I'll set my alarm for 8 or 9 AM and then just get up, eat breakfast, and watch my fish swim around for hours before I lay on the couch and watch TV for hours and then log onto Everquest or Xbox Live for the rest of the night. That is what I look forward to? NOOOOO! I look forward to boozing with my friends, seeing my girl, going out on the town, but I can't do those things without a sick feeling in my stomach when they're all over and I know that I am running out of weekend time. And just for the record, I don't know when the next day I'm going to have off is going to be. Most likely Christmas Day. Then New Years Day, then probably Easter Sunday. Every weekend I used to have is gone. Every night that I could stay up and do whatever the fuck I felt like until I just couldn't take anymore and the sun was coming up are gone. All the fun I used to have because I knew I didn't have to wake up at any specific time is over. I don't know what I'm going to do. One day I dream of working my 40 hours and having my 2 days off again. Those days are far in my future (or way too close if my store fails, that is the duality of my bullshit whining spree). When I went to Target today, I was waiting on my price check and just watching the women working the registers go about their business. They could give two shits if Target succeeds or fails. They have no say in the company. If they work their asses off and do a really good job, there is no way that Target is going to even feel a slight ripple in their profits. They are just cogs in a machine. They get their paychecks and do what they do, but they don't have to care. I hate going back to cliché philosophical references, but I was the man looking up into the sun feeling the pain in my eyes and wishing I could go back into the chains and only see the shadows dancing on the walls. I know I cannot. I am forced to move onward and upward by the stupidity of the human brain. I have seen the sun and no longer will find the shadows to be fulfilling, but damn do those chains look comfortable when you realize that your 5 hours are gone for the foreseeable future.
I don't know if it's obvious, but the way it's so hard for me to meet up with people and spend time with friends is a serious issue for me. I don't see myself ending this line of thought here. I know it will come back. I just hope through writing and sharing how I really feel that one day I'll understand myself well enough to change myself for the better... or actually give people something entertaining to read one day. Either way, goodbye.
posted by NJX70 at 11:12 PM
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