D+4
I laughed today. I didn't want to. It didn't feel right, but I was listening to opie and anthony on my way to work and I laughed. I tried to stop myself because I knew I'd feel gross afterwards, but I couldn't. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I couldn't stop. I don't even think it was that funny but I couldn't stop. Then I started feeling tears on my cheeks but I was still laughing. It wasn't cool.
I did very good today. The women assistants at my office can tell I'm not OK and they have been reaching out to get to know me this week... of all weeks. I blatently blew them off on tuesday and wednesday. Today, I talked for a minute. I was able to just chill and be friendly again. I didn't want to, but I did anyway. It doesn't feel nice to be nice or to enjoy anything. I did better emotionally today, but I couldn't study. I kept thinking about her. It was more me trying to study and then hitting a word that reminded me of something and then flipping the page and realizing I didn't know what was on the past 2 pages. I kept the blinds closed today because every time I've looked out my window I've wanted to just break down. I forced myself to talk to people. Scott and Brian M know what's going on now too. I was proud of my answer to brian. He asked if I was feeling better from calling out sick and I just told him, "My girl left me on sunday. I'd been with her for 5 years. I didn't want to announce it because I didn't think it was OK to miss work, and I knew that anyone that should know would ask me." I think it made him feel good to know I'd tell him.
I got out of my truck and went inside to find I'd left my phone in the truck. I went back out and I looked up. The sky was clear, the stars were out, and I could see Orion staring back down at me. Directly to the right of his belt is Beth's star. Orion has been my favorite thing in the sky since I was born and now I can't even look up at the stars without feeling like shit. I remember being a kid and running outside evey night to see if I could see Orion's Belt. My dad pointing it out to me is still one of my favorite memories of childhood. Now I can't even enjoy that.
All I have been doing is working and thinking about her. I refuse to come on here and post the same shit every day, so I'm going to keep it short: I am an empty souless drifter right now and I've done nothing with myself.
Goodbye
I did very good today. The women assistants at my office can tell I'm not OK and they have been reaching out to get to know me this week... of all weeks. I blatently blew them off on tuesday and wednesday. Today, I talked for a minute. I was able to just chill and be friendly again. I didn't want to, but I did anyway. It doesn't feel nice to be nice or to enjoy anything. I did better emotionally today, but I couldn't study. I kept thinking about her. It was more me trying to study and then hitting a word that reminded me of something and then flipping the page and realizing I didn't know what was on the past 2 pages. I kept the blinds closed today because every time I've looked out my window I've wanted to just break down. I forced myself to talk to people. Scott and Brian M know what's going on now too. I was proud of my answer to brian. He asked if I was feeling better from calling out sick and I just told him, "My girl left me on sunday. I'd been with her for 5 years. I didn't want to announce it because I didn't think it was OK to miss work, and I knew that anyone that should know would ask me." I think it made him feel good to know I'd tell him.
I got out of my truck and went inside to find I'd left my phone in the truck. I went back out and I looked up. The sky was clear, the stars were out, and I could see Orion staring back down at me. Directly to the right of his belt is Beth's star. Orion has been my favorite thing in the sky since I was born and now I can't even look up at the stars without feeling like shit. I remember being a kid and running outside evey night to see if I could see Orion's Belt. My dad pointing it out to me is still one of my favorite memories of childhood. Now I can't even enjoy that.
All I have been doing is working and thinking about her. I refuse to come on here and post the same shit every day, so I'm going to keep it short: I am an empty souless drifter right now and I've done nothing with myself.
Goodbye
posted by NJX70 at 8:26 PM
1 Comments:
About not being able to enjoy things that remind you of her, that happened to me too- but after a few months I started to reclaim things for myself. Songs that were good that I couldn't listen to I decided were my memories to reclaim as my own and take from him. I couldn't even watch movies because we watched movies all the time and the whole time I would think about either watching it with him or talking to him about it after it was over. But it did pass. For all these new things I kind of forced myself to do them. After the first time or so it was a little hard and then I was desensitized.
Believe me, I felt I had hit rock bottom. I couldn't eat or sleep. I was in a state of mental torure constantly. I wanted to kill myself, I saw a useless therapist. The blog helped most, that I felt less alone with my thougths cause they were out there.
The most important thing was building a new good life. Constantly being around others if possible and going out as much as possible. I party a lot now, and my whole lifestyle is different. I created a whole new and different world from who I was when I was with him. And it's been one of the best experiences and "personal journeys" I've ever had. I am a better person for having experienced heartbreak.
But in the begginning, it was horrible horrible pain, and it lasted and lasted and I have never felt worse in my life. I didn't think I would ever get out of it and I did.
Post a Comment
<< Home