4 Month Review of Online Dating through eHarmony

First of all, ladies and germs, I am now typing my entries into word.  As long as my blogger for word add on works properly, you will no longer have to deal with my awful spelling.  

I have a burning in my chest from the feeding frenzy I was in yesterday that has transcended “heart burn.”  This fire is consuming my soul.  I guess when all you do for a whole day is eat BBQ and drink beer it does a number on you.  I don’t feel like moving at all.

But I have made a change today…

Today, my vengeance was swift and final.  Once the slaughter had begun, it was not stopping until I cut a swath clear through to the other side.  The body count is high, but it’s clear who won this war… nobody.  

If you are wondering what the fuck I did and this awful attempt at comedy didn’t clear it up, I’m fucking finished giving the “benefit of the doubt” to eharmony girls.  I’m sorry ladies, if you haven’t responded in a few weeks, you’re gone.  I don’t need 25,923,785,097 pages of girls who I will enjoy talking to and then not want to see in person a second time once we’re fact to face… 1 is fine.  This post will eventually become my official review of eharmony, online dating, ePeople, and my experiences for the past few months, but as I’m typing I’m closing out as many matches as I can.  I’m so sick of having requests to communicate out to the few good looking girls that come across eharmony to me only to have them be too pussy to just close it.  Then they just settle down to the bottom never to be heard from again.  Those are the good looking ones that DON’T close me out before I even see that they are there.  OK, I’m going to go slash and burn and come back and do this right.

All right, that’s better.  I just closed about 100 matches, but if you aren’t familiar with eharmony, this is how it works.  You take a long ass questionnaire that is supposed to establish who you would be compatible with.  Then the eharmony system matches you up with people who also took this test.  I receive on average 5 new matches a day.  Of those 5 matches, 2 won’t have pictures, 1 will be obviously not what I’m looking for, and 2 will be worth sending the first stage of communication to.  The first stage is 5 multiple choice questions.  The only problem at this point is that of those 5, there’s a good chance some of them aren’t members, they are just preliminary people who don’t get to respond until they ante up the cash.  Also, and this has happened so many times that I can’t even count, if the girl that I’m matched up with is a really good looking girl, chances are she’s going to close me out (stop the possibility of communication completely) before I even get to see that we’ve been matched up.  So that’s frustration point 1.  But then there are the people without pictures.  Maybe they just haven’t got them up yet.  There’s a good chance they are new and their pictures haven’t been cleared through eharmony yet and they will be up shortly, so I send them a request to communicate anyway.  

So now out of our 5 matches, I’ve closed one because I know that she’s not what I’m looking for, 2 have pictures and a profile I like, and 2 don’t have pictures.  Of the 2 that have pictures, one is beautiful and has closed me, so now we’re down to 3 matches, 1 of which has a picture.  So these 3 lucky ladies get my 5 multiple choice questions sent to them.  The next day I’ll sign on and see that 1 of them without a picture has closed me… reason?  “other.”  Not even the guts to check a box next to what they are really feeling.  They have several reasons why you close someone out that you could check.  They range from “I’d rather not say.”  To “Based on statements in his/her profile I’m not interested in pursuing this match.”  What do I get 9 times out of 10???  “other.”  So now out of the 5 ladies we started out with, only 2 are left.  1 with a picture, and 1 without.  

So, the next part of our getting to know you process is sending out “Must haves/Can’t Stands.”  This part is actually one of the better ways to see if you fit, but there’s a qualifier there too.  It’s the best part of the getting to know you process if the other person doesn’t just pick the easiest ones to explain.  You MUST pick 10 of each and there are about 100 choices.  They are things like, “Kindness:  I want my partner to be gentle and kind.”  “Family Life:  I want my partner to share a desire to have a family one day.”  Stuff like that.  But there are a bunch of them that are just basics that don’t really say anything.  Kindness being one of them.  There are a ton though.  A bunch of useless criteria that can be used as a place to hide.  I’ve actually had people that held very strong moral values that are clearly defined several times throughout the process just not say anything until I was face to face and realized that we were too different to get along.  Why not just say it?  When someone is honest and makes strong selections in their Must haves/Can’t Stands it paints a very clear picture.  So, at this point I have heard back from 1 of the girls and it’s been about 50/50 that it’s the one with the picture or without.  For this discussion, let’s say both of them are motivated enough to reply to all communications.  

Now we are down to 2 matches, one with, and one without a picture.  Both have similar profiles (and most girls barely put any effort into their profiles, so 50% of the time they aren’t even worth reading… but I’ll elaborate later) and they both have replied to my 5 questions and have received my MH/CS.  So now I read theirs.  Most times there is nothing of value in there because who doesn’t consider themselves good at conversation or kind?  Every so often someone will put something in there that shows me we are not compatible, but more often than not this is just a speed bump to the next stage, which is “Open Ended Questions.”  This stage is pretty self explanatory.  You have the option of selecting 3 questions from a list or writing 3 questions of your own.  I always write my own questions because I feel it shows that I’m an active part of this getting to know you process and not just some passerby.  So, I send my 3 questions.  You can write a substantial amount back to the sender if you’d like, but 1 out of 5 will just write incomplete sentences and send them back.  I put a lot of weight on this stage of the “relationship.”  I ask questions that I really think tell me the most important things that I can’t get out of the other stages, and one that is just to throw people off and see how they respond.  I feel strongly that if someone can impress me with the answers to those questions and avoid the “World Peace” answers I get 49 times out of 50 that they have something going for them.  I don’t want to give away my questions because I post a link to Another Waste of Time on my profile, but 1 is really hard and gets “World Peace” as an answer all the time.  1 is a factual question that gets a very basic answer most of the time as well.  The other one is my personality test.  How they answer the other question shows me a lot.  Of the 2 girls that we have left, one will grab my attention with something she’s said over the course of all these stages and one will avoid conflict and just give “world peace” as her answers.  Who is who doesn’t matter at this point.

Final stage of eharmony communication is “Open Communication” where you get a message from Dr. Neil Clark Warren giving you advice on how this stage works and the way he thinks you should behave.  I have only read it once, but I’ve seen it sooooo many times.  In this stage you use the eharmony messaging system to send emails to one another.  Seeing as I started communication to both of these girls, they are both required to send the first message.  Sometimes I’ll lose someone there, but not often.  I hold myself to a high standard of privacy or I’d post some of these first messages.  I get messages that consist of something similar to this all the time:

“Hi, NJX70 (misspell) glad we made it to this point.  Isn’t eharmony crazy with the questions?  So tell me about yourself.  Later!”

At this point they know a shit load about me and should have better questions than THAT pile of dog shit.  I am not much better, but I like to explain the stuff that’s not in my profile.  If this blog was a match that had gone this far I’d like to start out conversations like this:

“Hey, AWT, I really enjoyed reading your responses to my questions and thank you for following through to this point.  

I figured now would be a good time to fill some of the gaps in the messaging process.  First of all, I love rock and roll.  Zakk Wylde is my favorite musician and has been for a long time.  I have to give rock and roll my title of “favorite” but I like any music that makes me feel something.  There is no other way that I pick what I like.  If I listen to it and really feel something then it stays on the playlist.

I just moved into Morristown in May, but I grew up in Kenvil (Roxbury) and know Morris County very well.  I love it here and look forward to a long and happy life in lil old NJ.  I’ve lived in a few different states and several places in NJ and this is where I am the most happy.  My friends are all close, my family is closer, and I’m a 5 minute drive from the office.  

So what made you choose eHarmony?  How has it worked out for you?  

Well, I just thought I’d give you something to work with on YOUR first email seeing as I know how hard it is to find something meaningful to say right off the bat.

-NJX70(spelt properly)”

See the difference?  Who gives a shit what I listen to?  Know what that is?  A conversation starter.  It does say a little bit about who I am that I love rock, but what’s most important is that she has training wheels for her first message.  I invariably get messages after that like, “I have never heard of Zakk Wylde.  I like BLA BLA BLA” but it gives us something to talk about.

Of the 2 girls, we know one has a picture, and one does not.  For simplicity purposes we have not mentioned that they can decide which part of the process their picture shows up… and they can.  The default settings are after MH/CSs and that’s not so bad, but I still like a girl who shows her picture right off the bat.  Some girls won’t show their pictures until open communication and some will only show their picture on a case by case basis.  This wastes both of our time and makes the closing more painful.  When you have enjoyed conversation with someone for a week and then get a picture of a girl that is absolutely NOT what you are looking for and you close the match it makes you feel like a creep and lets her know that the only reason you closed the match was because she wasn’t up to your standards of appearance.  I’ve never felt shallow in my life until I joined this site.

Here’s where things get interesting.  

So now we are going to talk about each match individually.  First, the one with a picture.  She has been going through all this and has done a nice job every step of the way.  She’s local and seems very nice.  I like her pictures, but she only has 2 and they are dark.  One is close up to her face and the other one is a group of friends with her standing behind 3 people.  She has a pretty face.  There is nothing that I can see that would be any problem what so ever.  She’s pretty and fun to talk to.  Why wouldn’t I want to move this forward?  So at this point I give her my real email in a message and tell her that I don’t like communicating through eharmony due to the shitty server it’s on and the time consuming nature of the site.  She will then send me an email to my email address and we’ll start talking that way.  After a few emails I like to give out my number.  Not because I want her to call me, but without fail, she’ll give me her number.  So then I call her up, and we talk.  Of the 10 or so girls I’ve gone this far with, only 1 or 2 haven’t been fun to talk to.  At this point I like to get out a few facts that have to be OK with her like that I’m addicted to video games, I’m a nerd, I’m not good at the whole dating thing, I own guns (none at my apartment, but my dad and I used to shoot clays and destroy cans together all the time), I have a sick sense of humor, I like to drink, etc.  Just some stuff that I do that sometimes causes tension.  If the conversations go well, I will try and set up a time for a meeting.  In this case, girl is cool with meeting up for dinner on Friday night.

Friday comes along, I have everything ready to go, I double check her profile, pictures, emails, everything so I don’t say anything stupid, and drive out to see her.  This is going to make me sound like a creep, but I don’t care.  With a few exceptions, I’ve not been attracted to any of them.  Why in God’s name, would you post pictures of your face, you in a crowd, you so far away from the camera that you can’t tell what you look like, or so small that you can’t see anything at all only to turn out to be 50lbs overweight?  I’m no slender reed, but I take care of myself.  I don’t have high standards, but I’m still not happy with what I’ve been running across.  Why would you do that to yourself?  Why are you so unhappy with yourself?  Why would you hide who you are to trick someone into meeting you?  

So here I am.  I’m sitting across a table from a girl who I can’t picture naked, and that’s my only criteria.  If I can picture a girl naked, then she’s in.  If I can’t, then she’s out.  Most of the problem I’m running across is weight.  Again, I don’t have a lot of ground to stand on when it comes to weight, and I know it’s a double standard, but that’s just the way I operate.  I won’t be happy with someone I’m not attracted to, so I won’t waste her time or my time.  So now I’m trying my worst to find something visually to hold onto.  I’ve enjoyed talking to her, she makes me laugh, she’s a fun girl to have around, but I can find nothing physically to keep me interested.  I sit there with a pain in my stomach because I know what’s going on and it makes me feel shallow and stupid.  I’m having a wonderful conversation with someone who shares a lot in common with me and who enjoys my company but all I want to do is do my Kool-Aide man impression and run through a wall.  Now the night goes on and we’re at a second destination and I can tell she wants to be kissed.  I don’t want to do anything more than what I’ve done and I’m frantically trying one last time to get used to the idea of  her appearance…. But I can’t.  I awkwardly get back into my truck, or drop her off, or whatever and drive home.  I put in my earpiece, and make the calls.  “Dude, she looked nothing like her picture.  I really like her a lot.  She’s exactly what I’m looking for, but I can’t be happy with someone who I am not attracted to in the least.”  It’s the same story over and over and over again and I’m tired of it.  

NEXT.

Now we get to the one without a picture.  When we left her we were freshly in Open Communication and I have to send the first message.  This is where strategies change.  My first message is normally nothing of substance.  It goes like this:

“Hey, AWT, I have enjoyed your answers to my questions.  Especially the open ended ones.  You seem like a real cool person.  I’d love to see what you look like, and don’t like communicating through eharmony any longer than I have to, so here’s my email address.  That way we can kill 2 birds with one stone.”

Then I get an eHarmony message back.  “I just sent you an email to your email address.”

Huzzah!  Success!  Now all I have to do is go punch up her picture and I’ll have a better idea of where I want to take this…. Wait…. She didn’t send a picture.  

“Hey, Issac (not spelt properly) I don’t like eHarmony messages either, I’m glad you gave me your email.  This weekend I’m bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla.

Oh, and I don’t have any pictures on this computer.  I am using my work laptop and I only have pictures on my home computer which is at my parents’ house while I search for a desk.  [alternate 1] I am not good with computers and I have a friend who’s going to help me with the pictures.  Once I figure out how to send them I will.  [alternate 2] I don’t have any pictures on this computer.  I’ll get a friend to send me some and will get them over to you.  [alternate 3]  bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla (notice the lack of mentioning the picture)”

Now, there’s a problem.  I don’t want to press the picture thing.  I give every girl the benefit of the doubt and don’t really want to be like, “send me a picture so I know you’re not ugly or 100lbs overweight or this conversation is over” only to find out she’s exactly what I’m looking for and really doesn’t have pictures on this computer, really is bad with computers, really is waiting for them to be emailed over, etc.  Now it’s time for some covert ops.  Next email gives her my AIM screen name.  When I catch her on AIM I’ll immediately direct connect to her and start sending pictures.  I try to get pictures of myself doing something at least once a week so I have some relevant reason for sending them.  So now she’s getting a bunch of pictures from me and should get the hint that I want pictures of her.  You can see what’s coming.  I’ve been talking to this chick for about a week, I’ve given her my email and AIM name, and now I finally see what she looks like.  Vast majority of the time these pictures show me that I no longer want to keep up with this match.  A couple times it’s worked out that they were in fact very pretty.  One is hopefully still a prospect, one was a failed date due to conflicts in moral standings.  Now you can basically go back and read the first girl’s story again.  We go out, she’s not my type, I want to Kool-Aide man, repeat.

So here I am.  I’ve been doing this since May and I’ve had some fun dates with some really cool people… that I would never want to have physical relations with.  I am painting with a broad stroke because the exceptions are so far and few between, but so far it’s been a failed experiment.  At my age, and with where I live, there are endless places to hang out where if you’re a pretty girl you’ll find guys to talk to.  Why would a 24 year old who’s fun and beautiful have any problem being alone?  I was foolish enough to believe that there were more people like me out there that were decent looking (fuck you) and were just too busy with work or didn’t like the bar scene, or were out of the dating scene for a long time with a shitty relationship and weren’t sure of what to do than there were people who COULDN’T get dates because of what they look like or because of complexities in their character that held them back.  I was wrong.  I don’t know where to go from here.  I’m still taking eHarmony very seriously and trying to find cool people to hang out with because like anything, this is a numbers game.  The only problem is for every night I’m out with someone that I don’t want to spend time with I’m missing out on an opportunity to hang out with my boys and pick up girls the old fashioned way… in public, face to face.  

The final problem I have is so stupid and so fucking annoying that it makes me want to punch myself in the face.  Distance.  I have listened to The Good Doctor on his recommendations and have my net thrown out over 100 miles to catch every good girl out there.  I’ve met a few people that I’ve not been able to keep up with affectively because I simply can’t afford the drive.  I’m fucking broke.  It’s going to be a long time before I have money to burn and at that point we’re looking at $4 a gallon gas.  I also have dealt with long distance relationships before, and if I’m not 100% committed and if I’m not drawn magnetically to a girl who lives 1.5 hours away then it’s not going to happen.  There is at least one girl out there that I would make that drive for, but I can’t because I can’t afford it.  How do you tell a girl who you like that you can’t afford the gas to come see her when you’re a fucking financial consultant?  It makes me feel awkward and useless.  This problem is the most frustrating because if I could move them closer to me and I could see them on a Wednesday afternoon after work for a little while and then go home, or visit and watch TV for a few hours and then continue on my way without having to make plans 3 weeks ahead of time and put aside $100 or $200 bucks for the trip and not eat or not drive or not do anything for that whole time so I can afford it then that would be awesome.  

I’ve decided to not elaborate on the profiles, and I also don’t feel like finding the part where I say that I’m going to.  When I read this over, I’ll take it out, if I’m motivated.

So there you have it, ladies and germs.  That’s what I’ve been doing with my life.  I’ll keep fighting the good fight, but as a good AAMS designee I’m going to diversify my efforts to real life girls and not just eGirls so I can take advantage of market moves in different sectors without putting myself at any undue risk.

And if you are reading this and you are from eHarmony, so much for our connection, right?  Bah, I stink.