The Road Sometimes Traveled
I don't understand why there are so many ups and downs. I always thought that once I had a steady job and a place of my own that things would settle down emotionally for me, but it's not been the case. One day I have a conversation that I believe will change the course of my life forever, the next I'm being put on blast for not doing enough. One night I'm having a great time with my friends, the next I'm realizing the intense shallowness of the last person I would have guessed. One day it's all coming together, the next it's falling apart.
Again, I'd like to reiterate my position (holy shit I"ve been reading too many opinion reports) that I just want some kind of confirmation that the choices I've made over the past 8 years of my life have brought me to a place where things are eventually going to work out.
I have to mention this now: I got a ride back with an old teammate of mine from FU who had to stop playing because of a knee injury. He started making comments about how FU football was insignificant and it set me on fire. I didn't even realize why I was mad until I stepped away for a while and thought about it. I decided to put football first above everything but God ever since I was old enough to know that football was where a kid twice the size of the next biggest kid becomes acceptable. I made that fact annoyingly and self destructively clear to the people I cared about and that is one of the reasons I am alone. I realized when I was argueing with him that the only reason his words hurt me so deeply is because I need to know that thing I built my life on for so long wasn't bullshit. If it was, then it was, but the pain of not knowing what the future holds and being stuck having to take it day by day and having no idea when the weathers going to clear up and I'm going to be able to see a future that I'd enjoy being a part of in the distance is for nothing. I NEED to know that I made the right decisions, even if only in my head, and even if it's something 100% pointless. I NEED to have something to hold onto.
OK, it's way past my bedtime, but I was reading an old friend's blog on her myspace and it made me think very hard. I just wanted to share something and I figured this would be a good way to do it.
Again, I'd like to reiterate my position (holy shit I"ve been reading too many opinion reports) that I just want some kind of confirmation that the choices I've made over the past 8 years of my life have brought me to a place where things are eventually going to work out.
I have to mention this now: I got a ride back with an old teammate of mine from FU who had to stop playing because of a knee injury. He started making comments about how FU football was insignificant and it set me on fire. I didn't even realize why I was mad until I stepped away for a while and thought about it. I decided to put football first above everything but God ever since I was old enough to know that football was where a kid twice the size of the next biggest kid becomes acceptable. I made that fact annoyingly and self destructively clear to the people I cared about and that is one of the reasons I am alone. I realized when I was argueing with him that the only reason his words hurt me so deeply is because I need to know that thing I built my life on for so long wasn't bullshit. If it was, then it was, but the pain of not knowing what the future holds and being stuck having to take it day by day and having no idea when the weathers going to clear up and I'm going to be able to see a future that I'd enjoy being a part of in the distance is for nothing. I NEED to know that I made the right decisions, even if only in my head, and even if it's something 100% pointless. I NEED to have something to hold onto.
OK, it's way past my bedtime, but I was reading an old friend's blog on her myspace and it made me think very hard. I just wanted to share something and I figured this would be a good way to do it.
posted by NJX70 at 12:45 AM
2 Comments:
Yow. That post sorta didn't have an ending.
"Finding yourself" and finding the life you want is really freaking hard. Since leaving university I've ended up disliking both jobs I've had, and romantic relationships have been up and down (and uncertain at all times.)
I'm vaguely comforted by the fact that I have friends whose careers seem to be going awesome but who aren't really fulfilled, either.
Your post above says it all; enjoy your friends. They are what you can depend on, what is real.
Being at this age is rough for us in trying to find consistency outside of our old lifestyle of preparing for "real life", playing ball, and just having fun. I may seem like the pot, but don't let them dictate how you see yourself. It takes a strong person to believe in what he is doing, especially if it is different from others, like a commitment to college football. Everything happens for a reason, hard work goes toward an end. Sometimes we all question these things, but we gain from experience. Without football, this guy wouldn't likely be your friend, most of us would have never met. Maybe the commitmnet and discipline helped you to become the person you are now, that you should be proud of. I will shut up now.
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