I see what I am and it hurts
I have said a few times that I believe I'm good with gifts. So I have been thinking about what to get Beth forever. Today I got an awesome idea from one of my employees: Plan a caribean vacation for just the two of us! I wasn't too high on the idea because of the price and because now that we both have jobs we can't just pick up and leave at any time. I won't be available until August and she has limited time off and uses it to see her family. So when I mentioned it would just be too expensive at this point she showed me her hookup in the industry and the number was very VERY reasonable so I thought I'd do it. I didn't want to do anything like that before I spoke to Beth, and I really thought she was going to go nuts for the idea, so even though we got blanked for the third time today I was as happy as I've been in a while because I thought I was finally able to give Beth something really special that involves the two of us and would be something she would remember forever. REVERSAL!!!!! I tell her, she flatlines on the phone and basically isn't interested at all. I know for a fact that if I was offered the same thing I would have lost my freaken mind that I was actually going to paradise. Things like a week in Barbados are for rockstars and big time business execs, not for douche bags that sell freaken telephones out of a stand in the mall. I thought I was going to top all my other gifts and really score big time. I fell flat on my face. I felt like I was publisher's clearing house walking up to a house with the big check only to have the person go, "10 million... not interested" and slam the door in my face. Beth is very grounded and understands the value of a dollar, but she comes from a lot more money than I do and I guess things like this aren't as special for someone who travels like she does. In fact, she told me, "I want to see my family and my dad wants to take a trip to Poland and my mom wants to go to Brazil so time off is scarce." Must be nice. I have only left the country once to go to Canada on a band trip on a bus. I didn't fly until my college football team played Jacksonville U down in florida my sophomore year. Things like this don't happen to me and a trip like that seemed so cool that I couldn't imagine anything but shock and excitement.
Then, after the reversal, I got the sidewalk slam. We then go into a huge discussion about how she's never been happy with me because even though she knows how intense my feelings for her are I act "exactly the opposite." My frustration level is at a near critical level. I can't take all these things at once. I can't be the man she needs and the employee Joe G needs and the Center the NJ Xtreme needs all at once. Something's gotta go and it certainly is not a girl or a game. Everything was falling together so nicely. I was going to live and work no more than a half hour away from Beth, my friends, and my team. I was going to be on my own and starting my life at a 10 to 6, Monday to Friday job where I sat in an office in sweats and made crazy money. Then Joe G wanted to open a store in PA. What a fucking mistake. I am making somewhat OK money, but I am not living my life. I am living Wireless Communication Broker's life. I am so fucking sick and tired of having to spend hours with each idiot redneck loser that wants a phone only to see them again the next day to hear the warcry of the ridgerunner: "My phone doesn't work in my house." They then precede to stand there and tell me about how it works great until they get up into the fucking mountains and they want to know how to fix it. You can't fucking fix it, you idiot! Sprint doesn't get a fucking signal up there! You don't have fucking running water knock off the bullshit act! I am to the point where I tell everyone it won't work in their house and they will be lucky if it works in their town. I just hate that they come up and say, "it doesn't work in my house" and then look at me and wait for me to say something. My answer? "You can add 100 minutes of roaming for $10 a month" Their answer, "So now I'm paying $80 a month instead of $70?" "yes, fuckface, if you want to live in the worst area for cellular signal in the country, then yes, you have to pay $10 to use your stupid phone in your stupid house. And then I go home and call my wonderful girlfriend who loves me for God knows why and have to hear her pain because I am not there for her. Why can't it all just work out? Why do I have to be so loyal to my stupid job. Why can't I just quit and work some stupid bullshit job that doesn't require me to leave behind everyone I care about? Why can't anyone else close the store? Why can't Beth and I just go out like normal people and see a movie or have a drink or do anything normal people do? Why is our relationship over the phone when we live in the same state? Why? I am so mad right now at what I've done to myself that I don't know who to talk to but you. You who? You the guy who was reading about porno and then clicked "next blog" and landed on my pile of horse shit bitching and decided to try and trudge your way through. Thank you.
I am at that point where anything can happen. I could feel in her silence that one reason she didn't want to plan a vacation in August was that she wasn't sure we'd still be going out at that point. Even though I know she loves me I also know how shitty a boyfriend I am. When I was working down the street from her apartment I still drove 2 hours home so I could eat a big dinner and sit around playing video games and not have to parallel park and buy a $3 parking permit. I was burning $25 in gas a day but I couldn't pay $3 to sleep next to the woman I love? I am such a conflicted piece of garbage that I don't know why she puts up with me. I am so in love with her and she decided to go to grad school and work in NYC because that put her close to me (among other things). She tried to play it off like it wasn't becasue of me, but in a moment of weakness she admitted that if it wasn't for me she would never have chosen NYU for grad school. Then I went off to coach at fucking MU and was 4 hours away. Then I finally wake up and realize that I should be doing SOMETHING for her after how much she was sacraficing for me and get a job near by. I thought I might as well enjoy the comforts of home for the last time before I move out on my own for good and try to be home as much as possible while I try to find an apartment. Then that backfired and I'm in PA now. All that time I was just telling myself, "Hey, it's cool. Go home tonight, have mom bake something up and eat like a king, play Rainbow Six until the wee hours of the morning and then sleep in your own bed. It's cool, in a little bit you will be seeing Beth just about every day." So much for that. Now I look like a total neglecting asshole. Tonight she dropped the bomb on me and I all of a sudden had one of those flashback sequence moments of realization where everything I've done was painfully clear. She told me that since she's known me she's been waiting for her turn. She's wanted my attention for so long and I've always had something else in my life that took priority and that she's never been totally happy with our relationship. I thought back, and she's right. I have treated her like that and I do deserve the title bad boyfriend. In college I would blow off hanging out with her because I was tired, because we were all hanging out and I was having too much fun with my boys, because I just didn't feel like seeing her roommates, because of whatever the hell was going on, and she has every right to be upset. There were times I just didn't feel like hanging out and stayed in even though I knew she really wanted to see me. I almost never took her out. I still don't. I have been broke as a joke since she's known me and never have been able to pay for dinner or the movies or the trip to the dining hall. We'd be at the same party and I would spend the whole night doing shots with my friends while she hung out with her friends and almost never even notice she was there. I am a loser and a bad person. I hate the way I've become and I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be. I need to quit my job. Plain and simple. I need to go into Joe G's office and tell him that I simply cannot do what needs to be done and that I will be done in two weeks. Football season is rapidly closing in and I am in AWFUL shape. I don't even have time to go to the gym. That is, of course, just the icing on the cake. If I keep doing what I'm doing and start football season up there will be zero time left in my life for Beth and if I'm lucky all she'll do is leave me. She should shoot me in the fucking head for what I've put her through. I will not go back to the way I was where I was begging for forgiveness and feeling like I was unworthy for no reason. The difference now is that I have gone from one extreme to the other. I have gone from scared puppy to angry grizzly. I am totally out of touch with what a relationship is supposed to be and I will probably blow it with one of the great ones. I can see myself with Beth for the rest of my life, but I can't figure out how to see her tomorrow, or this week, or next week, or in January, etc. I really need to reorganize my life and get myself into a place where I am able to enjoy myself, treat my girlfriend the way she deserves to be treated, and actually be a friend to my friends. I feel like I need to just get in my truck and drive. I wish I could just hide in the woods for a month and clear my head of all the shit that has built up over the past few years. I go from one bullshit situation to another and Beth is always there and always loves me and always wants me to do well but is always sad because she can see what I'm doing to myself way before I even realize it's a mistake. And through it all I'm neglecting her and we are not doing the things people do. If I didn't trust her like I've never trusted anyone before I wouldn't even know if she was dating someone else. I'm never there. What she doesn't tell me I'll never know. I'm NEVER there. Everything is in a fucking shambles and it's all my fault. I did it all. I built this kingdom of shit and now I have to live in it. I am going to figure this out now. I can't wait much longer. I don't know how much more time I have and it's all because I am a fool. I don't feel like Beth is going to walk out on this relationship any time soon, but I don't give her much reason to stay. I don't deserve the love I receive. I am a fucking one way street with everything going my way. I have acted like I can't be bothered by Beth or by my friends and then wonder why I feel so alone. God damn I wish I'd wake up tomorrow and realize this was all a dream. I feel so worthless and so absolutely pathetic. I am never at a loss for words and tonight I had nothing. I listened to her and then thought back and realized she's right. It's all my fault.
I wish my problems were with drugs or booze or gambling or something that would destroy me so completely that someone would see my life crumbling to dust, pick me up and help me get back together. Right now my only problem is that I have a job and that it's not where I want it. That isn't exactly the beginnings of an intervention. There is nobody that can help me but myself. I'm afraid I am incapable of changing no matter how much it tears me to shreds that I am causing so much pain.
I can't even put into words how dissapointed in myself I am. On top of all my realization that I suck at spending time with Beth I realized that I also weaseled my way out of hanging out with her on new years eve. I don't like her Hoboken friends. I go into the tank when I am uncomfortable and have no control over it. I have tried so hard to be friendly, but once that switch in my head is flipped I'm on defense and I'm dangerous. I don't like when that happens when I'm on my own, but when I'm with Beth it's ten times worse. I don't like when she sees me like that and I don't want to ruin her new years eve. I talk like I'm the fucking Hulk. What a douche bag I am. All I would have to do is put up with their cornball humor and talk about all the hip stuff they do and buy. There's an open bar and that's another problem. I get really really really really drunk when I'm the Hulk and either punch someone, cry, or both. That cannot happen anymore. I don't want to be the reason Beth doesn't enjoy her New Years, but the fact that I am thinking like that is just disturbing. Where will I be? I will be out with the Boston Strangler in his home town doing the exact same party in a different town with different people. 2005 will come and go and I will be depressed because I'm not with Beth and pray to be with her next year, but what does she see? She sees my stupid ass blowing off her awesome and inexpensive party to hang out with my college drinking buddies without her. I don't deserve her kindness. I suck so much. I am just bad at new years. When I was single I was the only guy standing there in my stupid hat not even trying for a new years kiss at midnight. Every new years I was dating someone, I didn't spend it with them. When I did, it was always a disaster. I spent one new years with Beth and her Mom in a wine bar that decided to turn the heat to 90. I was pouring sweat and uncomfortable as hell. Beth's mom decided that it would be a funny thing to comment on. I smiled and shrugged it off. Then it became the running joke of the night. "Wow, you're really sweating, let me fan you with the menu." har har har. Look how much fun I'm having. Now I'm the hulk. I procede to drink heavily and Beth is constantly asking me, "are you OK? Do you want to go outside? Are you having fun?" Not when I'm obviously sweating my fat ass off and angry that I can't cool off. Now that everyone has pointed it out I feel even more uncomfortable and angry. The spit in my face was the shitty cover band that kept trying to bother us all into crowd participation. At one point when the singer came out and got right in my face I gave her the most "I am a fucking enourmous and dangerous man who wouldn't think twice about killing you where you stand" look and asked her to go away as rudely and inappropriately as I could muster up. Now I was making an ass of myself in front of my girl and her mom, sweating my ass off, and angry as fuck. What a great new years. I suck at milesones, change, and life. I hate myself tonight.
Then, after the reversal, I got the sidewalk slam. We then go into a huge discussion about how she's never been happy with me because even though she knows how intense my feelings for her are I act "exactly the opposite." My frustration level is at a near critical level. I can't take all these things at once. I can't be the man she needs and the employee Joe G needs and the Center the NJ Xtreme needs all at once. Something's gotta go and it certainly is not a girl or a game. Everything was falling together so nicely. I was going to live and work no more than a half hour away from Beth, my friends, and my team. I was going to be on my own and starting my life at a 10 to 6, Monday to Friday job where I sat in an office in sweats and made crazy money. Then Joe G wanted to open a store in PA. What a fucking mistake. I am making somewhat OK money, but I am not living my life. I am living Wireless Communication Broker's life. I am so fucking sick and tired of having to spend hours with each idiot redneck loser that wants a phone only to see them again the next day to hear the warcry of the ridgerunner: "My phone doesn't work in my house." They then precede to stand there and tell me about how it works great until they get up into the fucking mountains and they want to know how to fix it. You can't fucking fix it, you idiot! Sprint doesn't get a fucking signal up there! You don't have fucking running water knock off the bullshit act! I am to the point where I tell everyone it won't work in their house and they will be lucky if it works in their town. I just hate that they come up and say, "it doesn't work in my house" and then look at me and wait for me to say something. My answer? "You can add 100 minutes of roaming for $10 a month" Their answer, "So now I'm paying $80 a month instead of $70?" "yes, fuckface, if you want to live in the worst area for cellular signal in the country, then yes, you have to pay $10 to use your stupid phone in your stupid house. And then I go home and call my wonderful girlfriend who loves me for God knows why and have to hear her pain because I am not there for her. Why can't it all just work out? Why do I have to be so loyal to my stupid job. Why can't I just quit and work some stupid bullshit job that doesn't require me to leave behind everyone I care about? Why can't anyone else close the store? Why can't Beth and I just go out like normal people and see a movie or have a drink or do anything normal people do? Why is our relationship over the phone when we live in the same state? Why? I am so mad right now at what I've done to myself that I don't know who to talk to but you. You who? You the guy who was reading about porno and then clicked "next blog" and landed on my pile of horse shit bitching and decided to try and trudge your way through. Thank you.
I am at that point where anything can happen. I could feel in her silence that one reason she didn't want to plan a vacation in August was that she wasn't sure we'd still be going out at that point. Even though I know she loves me I also know how shitty a boyfriend I am. When I was working down the street from her apartment I still drove 2 hours home so I could eat a big dinner and sit around playing video games and not have to parallel park and buy a $3 parking permit. I was burning $25 in gas a day but I couldn't pay $3 to sleep next to the woman I love? I am such a conflicted piece of garbage that I don't know why she puts up with me. I am so in love with her and she decided to go to grad school and work in NYC because that put her close to me (among other things). She tried to play it off like it wasn't becasue of me, but in a moment of weakness she admitted that if it wasn't for me she would never have chosen NYU for grad school. Then I went off to coach at fucking MU and was 4 hours away. Then I finally wake up and realize that I should be doing SOMETHING for her after how much she was sacraficing for me and get a job near by. I thought I might as well enjoy the comforts of home for the last time before I move out on my own for good and try to be home as much as possible while I try to find an apartment. Then that backfired and I'm in PA now. All that time I was just telling myself, "Hey, it's cool. Go home tonight, have mom bake something up and eat like a king, play Rainbow Six until the wee hours of the morning and then sleep in your own bed. It's cool, in a little bit you will be seeing Beth just about every day." So much for that. Now I look like a total neglecting asshole. Tonight she dropped the bomb on me and I all of a sudden had one of those flashback sequence moments of realization where everything I've done was painfully clear. She told me that since she's known me she's been waiting for her turn. She's wanted my attention for so long and I've always had something else in my life that took priority and that she's never been totally happy with our relationship. I thought back, and she's right. I have treated her like that and I do deserve the title bad boyfriend. In college I would blow off hanging out with her because I was tired, because we were all hanging out and I was having too much fun with my boys, because I just didn't feel like seeing her roommates, because of whatever the hell was going on, and she has every right to be upset. There were times I just didn't feel like hanging out and stayed in even though I knew she really wanted to see me. I almost never took her out. I still don't. I have been broke as a joke since she's known me and never have been able to pay for dinner or the movies or the trip to the dining hall. We'd be at the same party and I would spend the whole night doing shots with my friends while she hung out with her friends and almost never even notice she was there. I am a loser and a bad person. I hate the way I've become and I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be. I need to quit my job. Plain and simple. I need to go into Joe G's office and tell him that I simply cannot do what needs to be done and that I will be done in two weeks. Football season is rapidly closing in and I am in AWFUL shape. I don't even have time to go to the gym. That is, of course, just the icing on the cake. If I keep doing what I'm doing and start football season up there will be zero time left in my life for Beth and if I'm lucky all she'll do is leave me. She should shoot me in the fucking head for what I've put her through. I will not go back to the way I was where I was begging for forgiveness and feeling like I was unworthy for no reason. The difference now is that I have gone from one extreme to the other. I have gone from scared puppy to angry grizzly. I am totally out of touch with what a relationship is supposed to be and I will probably blow it with one of the great ones. I can see myself with Beth for the rest of my life, but I can't figure out how to see her tomorrow, or this week, or next week, or in January, etc. I really need to reorganize my life and get myself into a place where I am able to enjoy myself, treat my girlfriend the way she deserves to be treated, and actually be a friend to my friends. I feel like I need to just get in my truck and drive. I wish I could just hide in the woods for a month and clear my head of all the shit that has built up over the past few years. I go from one bullshit situation to another and Beth is always there and always loves me and always wants me to do well but is always sad because she can see what I'm doing to myself way before I even realize it's a mistake. And through it all I'm neglecting her and we are not doing the things people do. If I didn't trust her like I've never trusted anyone before I wouldn't even know if she was dating someone else. I'm never there. What she doesn't tell me I'll never know. I'm NEVER there. Everything is in a fucking shambles and it's all my fault. I did it all. I built this kingdom of shit and now I have to live in it. I am going to figure this out now. I can't wait much longer. I don't know how much more time I have and it's all because I am a fool. I don't feel like Beth is going to walk out on this relationship any time soon, but I don't give her much reason to stay. I don't deserve the love I receive. I am a fucking one way street with everything going my way. I have acted like I can't be bothered by Beth or by my friends and then wonder why I feel so alone. God damn I wish I'd wake up tomorrow and realize this was all a dream. I feel so worthless and so absolutely pathetic. I am never at a loss for words and tonight I had nothing. I listened to her and then thought back and realized she's right. It's all my fault.
I wish my problems were with drugs or booze or gambling or something that would destroy me so completely that someone would see my life crumbling to dust, pick me up and help me get back together. Right now my only problem is that I have a job and that it's not where I want it. That isn't exactly the beginnings of an intervention. There is nobody that can help me but myself. I'm afraid I am incapable of changing no matter how much it tears me to shreds that I am causing so much pain.
I can't even put into words how dissapointed in myself I am. On top of all my realization that I suck at spending time with Beth I realized that I also weaseled my way out of hanging out with her on new years eve. I don't like her Hoboken friends. I go into the tank when I am uncomfortable and have no control over it. I have tried so hard to be friendly, but once that switch in my head is flipped I'm on defense and I'm dangerous. I don't like when that happens when I'm on my own, but when I'm with Beth it's ten times worse. I don't like when she sees me like that and I don't want to ruin her new years eve. I talk like I'm the fucking Hulk. What a douche bag I am. All I would have to do is put up with their cornball humor and talk about all the hip stuff they do and buy. There's an open bar and that's another problem. I get really really really really drunk when I'm the Hulk and either punch someone, cry, or both. That cannot happen anymore. I don't want to be the reason Beth doesn't enjoy her New Years, but the fact that I am thinking like that is just disturbing. Where will I be? I will be out with the Boston Strangler in his home town doing the exact same party in a different town with different people. 2005 will come and go and I will be depressed because I'm not with Beth and pray to be with her next year, but what does she see? She sees my stupid ass blowing off her awesome and inexpensive party to hang out with my college drinking buddies without her. I don't deserve her kindness. I suck so much. I am just bad at new years. When I was single I was the only guy standing there in my stupid hat not even trying for a new years kiss at midnight. Every new years I was dating someone, I didn't spend it with them. When I did, it was always a disaster. I spent one new years with Beth and her Mom in a wine bar that decided to turn the heat to 90. I was pouring sweat and uncomfortable as hell. Beth's mom decided that it would be a funny thing to comment on. I smiled and shrugged it off. Then it became the running joke of the night. "Wow, you're really sweating, let me fan you with the menu." har har har. Look how much fun I'm having. Now I'm the hulk. I procede to drink heavily and Beth is constantly asking me, "are you OK? Do you want to go outside? Are you having fun?" Not when I'm obviously sweating my fat ass off and angry that I can't cool off. Now that everyone has pointed it out I feel even more uncomfortable and angry. The spit in my face was the shitty cover band that kept trying to bother us all into crowd participation. At one point when the singer came out and got right in my face I gave her the most "I am a fucking enourmous and dangerous man who wouldn't think twice about killing you where you stand" look and asked her to go away as rudely and inappropriately as I could muster up. Now I was making an ass of myself in front of my girl and her mom, sweating my ass off, and angry as fuck. What a great new years. I suck at milesones, change, and life. I hate myself tonight.
posted by NJX70 at 1:24 AM
1 Comments:
In spite of any difficulty, it still sounds like what you and Beth have is pretty great. Awesome for you.
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