D+5 aka Friday night alone

I've gone from not wanting anyone to know anything they can't see to needing to talk to everyone. Brooke called me today. I told Rosie about what happened via email and I'm sure that all my old friends/employees all know what I'm going through. I am not their boss anymore. I never felt like a boss because I liked them all like friends. Brooke caught hell. She called to say hello and got read the riot act about relationships, my life, beth, and why I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone ever again. I totally destroyed blindsided her with more information and more feeling than I ever intended to. It felt good to talk to a friend without a cock and tell her what I feel about relationships. I hope I didn't make her too late for class. It definately made my ride home interesting.

Well, I'm alone. I didn't want to go out tonight so I could just feast on sorrow tonight and really feel like shit. It's my version of being a cutter. I knew that I had options tonight. Many people have told me if I want to get out of my house they'll make it happen, but I need to just sit and rot. It's working. I feel like I'm drowning in slime and pain.

I couldn't sleep last night because I just could not stop thinking about all the people that beth knows and how poorly I'd treated them. I always figured her friends would end up my friends in time and because I was blinded by my heart I felt like I had as long as it would take to warm them up to me and vice versa. I never imagined that I would run out of time because I planned on spending the rest of my life with beth. I kept telling myself, "ah, I don't have to be social this time... next time." Now there is no next time. I found myself at my keyboard at 2am writting an email to one of her friends just to say I'm sorry for being such a tool. Even though their acceptance or hatred really won't change my life now, I just want them all to know that I don't have anything againt them and that I don't want to be remembered as the asshole.

I haven't decided, but drufus invited me up to hang out at FU tomorrow. I might have to go. I don't really want to, but I can't sit alone for another day with my thoughts.