Sickness and Pain

I am sick. I have a cold that is slowing me down and shortening my temper. It's not the kinda sick that makes you stay home from work. It's the cold that is just annoying enough to ruin your day but not enough to truely complain about. Not a huge deal, but a runny nose + sleep apnea = even less quality sleep = less happy me. Throw in the fact that my truck is in the shop for major repairs this week that will cost me every penny I've earned to this point and a dark and grey day filled with misty, dirty, rain that made the 200 miles I had to drive even more awful and it really was a wonderful day.

So that's the sickness, the pain aspect is in my heart. I don't know what to do. Every time I've hurt her in any way I've been able to fix it. This time it's taken on a more serious tone. I need to get myself closer and I need to fix my own life ASAP. I promised I'd never mention this part of my life again, but I feel this creeping pain in my mind that I can't figure out. It's like quicksand pulling on my heart. I need to fix things. I have to get my life in order in a way that will make everyone around me happy, but I have to make myself happy first. Nobody likes the clown crying through the painted on smile.

I have started looking for a new job. I don't know when I'll leave the one I'm doing now, but my days are numbered. If I am serious about other aspects of my life, I have to commit to them like I commit to other things that don't give me any other choice. Just because I can choose to commit to some things or not and other things force me to be 100% committed doesnt' mean that the less "written in stone" things can be neglected. Even if it doesn't seem to be that way in my head, I know what it must look like. Now that I've realized what I'm doing it makes me feel very responsible for the downfall of my own little world.

I came to the realization that what I've been offering to the world is my tolerance for unhappiness. I am all too willing to take on other's pain. I can handle a whole mess of suffering before I crack. I feel like I'm doing the right thing and that what I'm doing is a crusade if I am suffering. If I am a tragic hero, my tragic flaw is that my loyalty is laced with extreme willingness to take on others' pain. I will describe this better when I'm not between conciouslness and sleep at 3:30 AM.

Between the cold I have and the thoughts in my head I couldn't sleep tonight. I think I'll try again, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Just because I failed for the past 4 hours doesn't mean the next 4 are going to be failures as well.