First trip back

I went back to my parent's house yesterday to get a real dinner, some stuff I left behind, and to clean up my fish tanks. I decided it would be a good idea to wait and move the fish once I'm back from my 2 week trip to St. Louis. I have left them for up to a month at a time with a mechanical feeder, but Mao and Frank are getting older and I really dont' want to leave them unattended for too long.

My father was sleeping and I refused to let my mother wake him up to say hi. It's not like I'm so far away. I'll be around less than I thought, but more than once and a while... if that makes any sense. I had this wierd feeling driving up there. It felt like when I used to be driven out to see my grandmother when I was a little kid. Nice day, hour drive, parents. I felt like I was driving the family to see grandma and grandpa, but I have no kids... I have no girlfriend... WTF? I don't know if it's drving by The Land of Make Believe (children's amusment park we went to at least once a year when I was little) or the fact that I'm living on my own now, but for whatever reason, I was feeling pretty crummy when I got there. Then I realized how much shit I have to get done around here and wanted nothing but to get back as soon as possible. My mother does her best thinking when she's behind schedule and about to walk out the door, so of course as I'm carrying out the last of the things I want to bring to my apartment, she's heaping on more and more stuff she'd like to give to me. I am very thankful for everything, but I didn't wnat to deal with tying things down in the bed of my pickup and the cab was so full I KNEW that shit was going to fall and hit me from either the back seat or the passenger seat. I was feeling so stupid and emotional I wanted to just break down and cry in frustration because I felt alone for the first time in a long time and my plans were coming apart at the seams faster than I could blink. What were my plans? Get in, eat, grab the following: Extra linens for my bed, Blender, Protein/creatine, lamp, router/cables, pillows I left behind, and some dinner. I ended up with so much shit that all I could do was picture myself carrying that all in until some ungodly hour and getting all pissed off when I should have been studying for the insurance test I have coming up on friday. Add on top of that the unprovoked feeling that I should be bringing a family to see the grandparents (still no clue why) and all I wanted to do was sit on the floor and cover my face and just wait until all the bullshit went away like a fucking 3 year old.

I think the stress of these tests is getting to me. I am so relaxed and happy when I'm in my apartment, but there is just so much going on that it's hard to maintain this calm cool state all the time. I still haven't called someone that I promised myself I would... I'll get to that tonight maybe. Anyways, I'm so fucking happy right now, but there are just these random times that all I want to do is lay down, cover my head, and wait it out. It's like having a fucking emotional seisure once every few weeks. I didn't break down, I didn't get all outwardly emotional, but I felt so overwhelmed so quickly that it was scary.

OK, then. Enough of the psycho talk. I am back into the r6 scene again... this can only mean bad things, but if this is wrong, I dont' want to be right. I love playing rainbow six and I'm going to. If Team Old Boys resurfaces... uh, oh.

My living room furniture is being delivered on saturday. I can finally get this place looking like someone lives here. That also means I'll have no problem entertaining guests. My cousins Fil and Tony stopped by yesterday and there was only 2 seats. It looked like "Who's Line is it Anyway" when one person has to stand, one person has to sit, and one has to lay down the whole time. I can't wait to have a comfy lil place to relax with friends. I've wanted to show the place off ever since I moved in, but I feel like such a dork just having my recliner, TV and computer in the living room. No table in the dining room, no place to sit, no rug on my bare hardwood floors, nothing. Oh, and God help those losers at the delivery company if they put 1 FUCKING SCRATCH on that couch. Heads will roll.


Allright, I need to figure out how to cook the chicken legs I bought the other day. I've had a hankering for chicken for the past few days and when I was rummaging through my food they just looked so good. Time to make a call.

Later, geek