That's just the way it goes, kid.

If you stand in the middle of the street there are two things that can happen. 1. You get smashed by a car. 2. The cars miss you. The longer you count on option 2, the more likely option 1 is going to happen. It's just the way things are. If you stand there long enough you will die. It's easy to just stand there and not do anything, but with just a little bit of effort you can get yourself out of the street and back onto the sidewalk where you're safe unless something out of the ordinary happens.

Unfortunately for people that count on me, I'm an option 1 kind of guy. There are so many times I just let things happen around me and hope that if I just let them happen that I'll escape. It's only a matter of time until all the shit I've put off and ignored splatters me and here I am. Watching myself get chewed up by the world I've built around myself.

All I need is an old man who's been watching this all happen to say, "that's just the way it goes, kid." to make this a fucking scene from a shitty movie.

I have called myself a tragic hero on this blog a few times in the past. I know I'm tragic, but until I've saved someone, I'm going to knock off the hero stuff. When there is one person in your life that you've wanted nothing but to impress/make happy/cause to smile/etc since you were a child and all you end up doing is make a fool of yourself/piss her off/do stuid shit/make a fool of yourself/etc it starts to feel like the world is working against you. Then you realize it's just all your fault.

I wonder why I let this happen. I just let myself enjoy the fact that plans were made and didn't do shit to make the plans go from the drawing board to the battle field. Now that it's go time, I have nothing in place. NOTHING! On top of that I let myself get so absorbed by my job that I have missed several opportunities to make things right. I think it's just my own stupid insecurities. I am at a loss for words. When everything was set in motion I was so happy, but then did nothing. I just figured things would work themselves out, but that's not possible without a tiny bit of effort from myself. Did I put that effort in ahead of time? No. Is it probably too late to get them done? Yup. Do I need to pick up the phone and fail? Yes.

I think it's time to just lay it out.

The last time I thought things were just going to work themselves out I was wrong.

I don't know what else to say, but more likely than not I'll have nothing else to lose very soon and will have no reason to watch my words.

I am so fucking frustrated and confused. Not by what I don't understand and what I must do, but by the way I let myself get like this again and again and again and never see this bullshit coming until it's too late.

fail.