Power Moves

I've been putting off posting here for over a week now because so much has been happening and so much has been up in the air that I didn't want to say ANYTHING until I had an idea what was going on. Here's the story:

I was given an unrealistic goal for January at AG Edwards. I was supposed to bring in more in one month than most 5 to 10 year guys bring in. I actually had a shot because a couple I was working with needed a product that would have helped me meet the goal. I needed them to believe in the product. They believed in me. I needed the sale... thus, I didn't get it.

So, I started looking elsewhere knowing I wasn't going to have a job come Feb1. I was out of the office on the first, so I got the news from Helder first. Our shmarmy boss made him defend himself or lose his job. He defended himself and kept his job for another month. There's a great story there... I'll tell you later. He has some things in the works that just might save him. Good luck, my friend. Campinella is a month behind us and has some pretty legit leads forming for himself, so he's in good shape as long as things swing his way.

Feb2 I go into the office and know I'm going to have an email waiting for me "Come see me when you get settled pls, thx, Shmarmy Boss" I get in, there it is. I fuck around until about 4 when he calls me in even though I am on the phone. He tries to make me beg for my job, I refuse. I offer no information, he talks out of being uncomfortable. I pack up my shit, chat for a couple hours, and leave...

POWER MOVE:

I start at NW Mutual on Monday! I have a job in Manhatten. I always swore I'd stay as far away from the city as I could possibly go, but this job is fantastic. This is one of the most highly regarded companies in the US across all industries. They have a product that appeals to the kind of people I want to work with. They give me the same choices and freedoms I had at AGE but they support me with everything I could ever ask for. I didn't want to take the job. I didn't want to go to NYC every day. I didn't want to be a commuter. I wasn't sure if I wanted to be in a suit and tie every day anymore, but then I met the regional manager for the NE region and over the course of a week he's made me a believer. I've went over all the fine print. I've scoured over every detail. I've been over critical and refused to sell myself any higher than reality. I gave honest accounts of what I've done in the past without using clean and shiny business speak to make them sound awesome when they were not. I talked about my weaknesses and let them know exactly where I fail. They were so excited to have me coming in after everything I could possibly say to ruin it for myself, showed me everything I wanted to see, and really made me feel like I was doing the right thing when I signed my name on the dotted line.

I am so scared.

I went into the city by myself for the first time on Monday. I got on the 8am train out of morristown and rode into NY Penn station. From there I took the 1 uptown and then the shuttle to Grand Central. I don't even have to leave Grand Central to get to my office, so it's actually not that bad, but the whole ordeal left me emotionally wrecked. I fucked up so many times trying to figure out exactly what I was doing. I didn't know the shuttle was upstairs from the 1. I didn't know where to find a subway enterance. I didn't know where to aim for when I was going from place to place. By the end of the day I had been all over the city running errands to get myself ready to go. I called Brad probably a dozen times to double check where I was going and what my options were. He helped me out a lot and I'm very very thankful that he was there to take my paniced phone calls.

The city moves so fast. Everyone knows exactly where they are going and what they are doing but me. I stand there on the platform and have no idea what I'm even waiting for and everyone else is on autopilot. That was worse than not knowing what I was doing... knowing I was alone. Everything is scary when you don't know what to expect and have no safe place... no home base... no point of reference. Morristown was like that to a much lesser degree when I first moved here. I didn't know where anything was but my office, but from there I was able to find my way anywhere. I just needed to know how to get back to one place and everything else grew out of there. In NYC I have no clue. My office is basically Grand Central Station, but I have no idea how to get to or from there because I've never used mass transit to get around. I've never even hailed a cab before. I've been a country boy driving a pickup truck down roads with no lines all my life. Now that I'm dealing with such a rigid structure that is so different from what I know I don't even know where to start. I do know what trains stop where on my way to and from the office, but when I was told to go down to the 14th precinct on 8th between 35th and 36th or some shit I was like, "uh... how do I do that?" If it was the life I'm used to I'd mapquest the mother fucker, write the directions on the back of an old envelope and just pay attention. In NYC you have to know what station puts you close enough to walk and which subway cars stop there. YOu also have to know if it's uptown or downtown from where you are NOW. It all sounds so simple until you're thrown into the mix with a timeline and responsibilities. I was late everywhere.

The 2 stations:

I wanted to make this an entire post because this is the first thing that struck me traveling around the city, but here it is as a snippet. If I just don't start writting bits and pieces I"ll get behind and write none of it.

NYC is such a beautiful and amazing place. All the lights and colors jump out at you from every direction from the moment the train pulls into the station. There were street performers in the stations playing violins, guitars, drums, a 10 piece brass group, and a woman painted completely in silver metalic makeup on stilts. Even the smells assault you so hard that you know you're in the city. Not particularly bad odors, but it's just city smell. Everything comes at you so fast and so hard. The people fly by with their eyes locked straight ahead. I found myself feeling even more alone because I could look someone right in the face from a foot away and not look away and they wouldn't even notice. I felt like such a voyeur. I was just looking around taking everything and everyone in and they didn't even see me.

I find the country to be beautiful like a flower. It's perfectly quiet. You enjoy it for what it is at this exact moment and want to protect and enjoy it for as long as you can. What you see when you look out over a green field is only going to be there for a few more months before the leaves fall and the grass dies, but while it's there it's breathtaking. It's pleasant and comfortable. The country makes you want to stop and stay a while. I've never been one to sit still without something in front of me to actively keep me occupied, but when I used to visit my late grandpa and grandma in Kentucky I used to just sit on the porch for hours. When the sun would go down and my mom would let me know it was time for bed I'd just want to stay 5 minutes more. For what??? All I was doing was sitting and rocking on the porch with my dad and grandpa. I couldn't even understand grandpa because of his accent. It's just the way you appreciate that kind of splendor no matter who you are.

NYC is the exact opposite.

NYC is beautiful, but it's so different. NYC is hardened, cold, and loud. The sidewalks are smooth from billions of footsteps. The buildings have been utilized in every single way possible. Every square inch of every building is an office, an apartment, etc... Every exterior spec is covered with something to look at from graphiti to signs to stickers for one cause or band or show or whatever... everything is interesting to look at. I've always been known to let my eyes dart around and take everything in, but I don't know how anyone could walk around the streets of manhatten and not find themselves spinning to take in everything that surrounds them. Even with everything to look at (including the beautiful women) eveyone seems to not even notice that anyone is there but themselves. I started feeling like I was alone in a world of little worlds so I started looking right at people. They didn't even see me! I felt like such a voyeur. With all the people around nobody notices or cares if you take a look. I thought back to all the times in school I had been caught looking at a pretty girl or listening in on some nearby conversation. In NYC you can do all of that and nobody gives a shit. It's amazing.

I never had any use for an iPod before, but I'm going to get myself one of the ones that plays XM radio and MP3s just because NYC is so fucking LOUD. There is this drone of noise that makes everything around you feel so big and you so small. I felt like everything was closing in on me. I couldn't even have a conversation over the cell phone on the street because I couldn't hear anyone. While I was trying to get directions to a subway station I was thinking about my neighbors here in Morristown. I had a complaint filed against me for noise violations by my downstairs neighbor. As I'm typing this I'm listening to music... OVER MY HEADPHONES... just like I have since I moved in! WTF are they hearing??? If they think I'M a bad neighbor they should spend a night in NYC. I imagine that it doesn't get much quieter at night. It's not even anything specific that you are hearing... it's just background noise... static. I started feeling so claustrophobic that all I wanted was my own set of noise to cancel out the noise I couldn't control. I WILL be spending a great deal of money on moble sound equipment once I find myself with a couple extra bucks. Of all the things in NYC, the noise made me feel the worst.

There are two major stations I spent time in while moving around the city... grand central and the port authority (don't ask how I got there). They are as opposite as they could be.

When I got in I was proud of myself. I had made it to grand central all by myself and was no worse for it. When I got there it was stunning. Everything is shiny, clean, and perfect. The walls are marble and the ceiling is a work of art. The whole place just screams sophistication like I can't even describe with my mediocre grip on the English language. I felt like such a big shot walking around that place. Everyone store, every employee, every add, ever turn, every sign, every STREET PERFORMER (this is where I saw a man playing a violin... supprisingly well too), everything was pristine. There was a moment where I questioned why I was so afraid to work in NYC before because this was the opposite of scary or intimidating...

Then I got off at the port authority... What a fucking shithole. Every person walking around was a drunk, homeless, or some fucking degenerate that made me look over my shoulder a few times a minute. It felt like every piece of shit in NYC was forced to stay there. God I hate that place. I am too tired to even go into it, but by the time I got my money orders (needed them for the finger prints at the police station... yeah, they only take money orders) I didn't even want to try mass transit anymore. I just walked out the door and kept walking until I got to the station. It took me FOREVER and I had no idea if I was walking through good or bad neighborhoods because they all looked the same to me. FUCK I HATE THAT STATION.

Brad called because he was working from home and was bored and I let him know that I was just shot and wanted to go home. I've never missed NJ more than I did around 4pm on Monday. I know he could hear it in my voice. I was just mentally tired. I was at the point where all I wanted was my truck, my XM Satalite Radio, and $1 chicken sandwitch from McDs. I hadn't eaten all day and I was starting to feel shaky. I don't know if it was the fact that I was about 14 hours overdue for a snack or because I was just that blown to pieces by a day of new experiences in a new place with noone to rely on but myself. After I got off the phone with Brad I stopped to ask one of the NYT workers for a subway map. There were two people working so I walked to the closer one. As I walked up the man sitting at the far booth started banging angrily on the glass and waved me over like I was trying to piss him off by not going to him first. "Sir, can I please have a subway map?" "WHERE ARE YOU TRYING TO GO???" "Sir, this is the first time I've ever been to NYC and I start my new job here on Monday. I'd just like a map so I can learn a little bit more about how NYT works." "LOL! HERE'S YOUR MAP. GOOD LUCK AT YOUR NEW JOB." The best way to describe how I felt when I got back on the NJ transit train back to Morristown is I felt like a beaten kid. I was worn out emotionally, physically, and afraid of what it was going to be like the next time. I don't know how I'm going to handle doing this on a daily basis, but I'm going to do my damndest to make it work. I just hope I learn a few tricks to calm myself down and get where I need to be without worrying.

In other news:

The kittens are growing up fast. They've only been here 3 weeks and they are allready noticably bigger than when they came home. Wyatt is no longer having problems with dry food and Virgil has warmed up to me and my apartment just right. Last night I didn't close my bedroom door all the way and I woke up to Virgil standing on my chest licking my nose. First it scared the shit out me because I didn't expect it at all, but once I was awake and realized it was just the kittens I rolled over and went back to sleep. I woke up this morning with two kittens sleeping on my back. I don't think I'm going to let them in my room anymore, but it wasn't horrible to have them around last night.

Tonight I had plans for the first time in a long time. Unfortunately things didn't work out, but I'm looking forward to when they do.

I've been a slack ass when it comes to eharmony. Girls, I'm sorry. This has been a bitch of a month and I'm going to be back to answer what I would do if my girlfriend brought me to a party where I didn't know anyone soon. I'm paying out the ass for the service and the smart money's on me using it.