Even more shocking events

This is my boss Joe G hanging out at the office. I have to say that this isn't the norm, but I caught him trying to stretch his back on the floor after he had been putting together a sign and I thought it was funny, so here it is.

Anyways, my store wasn't delivered today. The guy from Palmer Promotional said that he would knock some money off the price of shipping because he messed up everything, but it still doesn't change the fact that I wasted a whole day and now have to build the whole store tomorrow. I talked with the cable internet installers and they said it won't be a big deal if the store isn't there, but the electrician can't come out until there is something to mount the electrical panel to. They are a local company and have been pretty cool, so I hope it won't take more than a few days to set up the install once the store is up.

It's only an hour and a half until my birthday and I feel like I should just run and hide. Brad told me he's stopping by tommorrow and mentioned he had something for me. Him and I were born one week apart, so if he got me something, I have to find him something in the next 7 days. I can't tell you how chick like that statement makes me feel. I have to say, I'm happy that someone remembered, and he told a few of my friends from xbox live that tomorrow was my birthday so I got a few happy birthdays tonight there as well. It was actually kinda cool, but I still feel wierd about the whole thing. I am going to do my best to treat tomorrow like any other day, but as I said before, it's always uncomfortable.

How shocked I am

I decided I'd sit and read away messages until 1pm so this entry would be totally legit. OK, here goes. The shocker of the year: My store wasn't put on the truck this morning and if they were going to get it to me it'd have to be tonight or tomorrow morning early. My father drives a tractor trailer for UPS, so I KNOW what that means. Let me backtrack a bit so you can get a taste of how I do. I have probably called the company that supplies our "indoor advertising" material 50 times since the store was ordered. Yesterday I got the tracking number and called every location over and over until the store arrived and made sure that it was going to make it to the next location on time. It arrived at Scranton, PA last night and was poised to be delivered this morning. I spoke with the secretary last night and she told me to call back in the morning and they would have an exact time when I should expect the delivery. I set my alarm for 7am, got up, and gave them a call. The women recognized me and was very pleasent. She asked for my tracking number, I gave it, and I made sure I threw in a, "I'm so happy this all going to happen on time. If it didn't it would ruin all the plans I've made with sprint, the phone company, the cable company, my employees... Let's not even think about it." And then she was like, "uh, let me transfer you to dispatch." A man from scranton, PA with a brooklyn accent picked up and told me the news. So now I have to go back to the Stroud Mall tonight to accept the packages and put the store together through the night. Not only that, but I will have to be there early tomorrow morning for the electrician and the cable company. Not only that, but tomorrow is my 24th birthday. At the very least, my store might be 75% completed by this time tomorrow.

I tried to avoid this subject, but tomorrow is my birthday. I am not avoiding it because I'm a year older or because of any of the normal reasons, my birthday has always been a wierd subject for me. In college we used to celebrate everyone's birthdays like they were the most important thing in the world, but my birthday always fell on a wierd time. December 1st is normally the first weekend after fooball season is over and most of us either went home to see our families or to start bringing stuff home for winter break. Consequently, other than my 21st birthday, we never really celebrated. I stopped mentioning my birthday because I felt like a silly kid wanting people to remember. There really aren't any more landmark birthdays until I get social security, so it's not like they are all as meaningful as they were when I was 17, 18, or 21, but it still sucks to be the one left out. I had quite possibly the worst birthday of my life last year. I was the assistant O Line coach and strenght and conditioning coach at Millersville University. It sounds like a good job for a football fanatic like myself, but I hated it. It involved 120 hours a week and 10 grand a year. I figured it out once and realized I was making just over a dollar an hour. The pay and hours sucked, but I also had to take all the blame for everything that happened because I was the whipping boy of the coaching staff. Anyways, my birthday comes around and I had the day off. My roommate was gone for the weekend, and all my friends were out in Jersey. I had some beer in the fridge so I decided I'd have a few and just hang out. It started getting dark, so I went to turn my light on and it burnt out, so I was alone in the dark on my birthday drinking beer and playing xbox. I felt so alone that I went on kazaa and downloaded a few versions of happy birthday to listen to while I had a piece of cake my mom had dropped off at the last football game. I couldn't drink fast enough and in a few hours I was pretty wasted. I have a tendency to get emotional when I get too drunk, and I could feel the tears on their way, so I put the rest of the case of bush back in the fridge and had a cup of cofee.

That brings me back to tomorrow. I don't want anyone recognizing my birthday. I don't want anyone to know it's coming up, I don't want anyone to get me anything, and I don't want to expect to feel like it's my day. According to what is going on I'll be up all night tonight building a store and up at the crack of dawn tomorrow to meet with utility installers. I don't know if I do this to myself in some masocistic twist of my subconscious, but I just want to be alone. When I was truely alone on my birthday I felt like I had nothing left in my life to look forward to, but I can't think of any other way I want to honor the day of my birth. Even when my mom asked me what I wanted for my birthday I felt creepy and told her whatever and left the room. I just don't feel like I'm worth the attention.

Well, seeing as I am home today instead of in the office I think I'll do something to pass the time until the delivery comes. Xbox Live! is great for that. Nothing like shooting someone in their digital face when you are down.

My Hole in the Floor

One thing I haven't brought up yet that I'd like to share is my job. I work for a company called Wireless Communication Broker that deals exclusively with Sprint PCS products and services. Now that I've given you our press release, the company is truely only about 10 people. My boss and the founder of the company, Joe G, graduated high school and went into the army. When he got back he wanted to make some money, so he started selling cell phones. He did so well that he started hiring his friends to help him out, the company grew, and then I come into the picture. I put my resume up on careerbuilder.com over the summer after I wasn't paid for the last three games of the 2004 season (I'll explain later) and realized after a check from my team bounced for the second time that I probably should get a job so I can keep paying the bills. I came accross a company called Manhatten Trading that called me out of the blue on a Wednesday afternoon and told me that there was "a management position available where you will be in charge of a sales team of 6. You will be in total control of their day to day activities and you will receive commission from every sale they make. Our company works to promote new products into the community and has sealed deals with major corporations such as the NFL and Disney." So I agreed to come in on Friday for an interview all excited that I might actually find the perfect job on my first interview. I didn't think to buy a suit up to this point and the last suit I owned was for my first communion in 2nd grade, so I was off to Men's Warehouse. They do in store tailoring, so I had plenty of time to pick out a suit and have it tailored. The problem was that with my size and lack of time I had to buy a $600 suit. I was broke, so I opened up a mens warehouse credit card and bought the suit. I went to the interview and luckily for me, the AC was busted and because I was early I had to sit for 2 hours in a room that couldn't have been much cooler than the core of the sun in a suit that made me feel super uncomfortable. By the time I got to speak with John A (the owner of the company) I was a soaking wet mess. He had a stack of resumes 5 inches thick on his desk and I was the last guy he was interviewing. I was nervous and a real stiff during the whole interview and really left feeling stupid and worthless. Amazingly, I got a call back to start training on Monday! I was so excited that I picked out my best clothes and was ready to rock and roll. I was going out for my "day of O" which was "a day to shadow one of our top guys and see what it takes to climb the corporate ladder." I called everyone I knew to tell them about my awesome new job. My grandmother was so proud of me that I could almost hear her beaming on the other end of the phone. I go in, and what do I do first? Go into a corner office and meet up with my mentor? Do I get a package outlining our company's mission statement and what we do in the community? Do I get a welcome letter on Manhatten Trading's official letter head? No, I grab a box full of cheap asian watches and load them into the back of a guy's 89 chevy wagon and hop in. I decided I'd have an open mind and see what this was all about, but from the moment I loaded up that box I knew something was wrong. My mentor, Johnny Mac, was in his 50s with grey hair and was wearing a light blue shirt, a tie, and a set of tan pants that looked like they had been purchased from a bin of reduced casual wear at KMart and put though a few too many spin cycles. It was only 8AM, but it was already reaching up towards the low 90s. I sweat more than any man alive, so I knew that if we didn't get into some AC quick I'd be finished. I was wearing the single best outfit I could put together. I had my hundred dollar pants, my dark blue longsleeve shirt, and my favorite tie on for good luck. Needless to say, the day was aweful. 90% of the day was walking around loading docks and kitchens of restaurants peddling 3 differnt items to the workers who could barely speak english. Our first item was a Swat Tactical gift set that included a black watch and a matching butane lighter and flashlight. Our second gem was called the "barber in a box" which was a hair buzzer, some scisors, and a comb. The third item was an radio controlled car. I had hit rock bottom. The looks on people's faces as Johnny Mac tried to get them to hold the flashlight and try it out as they threw our asses out faster than I could sweat made me sick. For one day I was the lowest form of life on earth. We were annoying telemarketers that knocked on your door. The management part of the job was that once you've been there for a while, you trained new people and they were now under you. See Avon or Cutco Knives. What a fucking scam.

The good part was that we walked into an office building clearly marked "No Soliciting" and ran into an office, barber in a boxes a blazing. Turns out it was a Sprint PCS store and the owner offered us jobs. Why, I can't even imagine. I was covered with a thick slime of sweat that had barely had a chance to dry before it was sweated right back up again, and Johnny Mac was drenched. His whole shirt was soaked right down to his gut. You could see the sweat working it's way below his belt and making a ring around the top of his pants. He was red faced, burned by the sun, and weary from climbing stairs and running all over town on foot. Joe G said that he was looking for salesmen and that we would make $450 a day selling phones. Johnny Mac was so lost in the pyramid scheme of Manhatten Trading that he turned it down for his $50 a day he had to kill himself for, but I took his card and promised him I'd call the second I got off work. A few days later I came in for an interview that lasted all of 2 hours and I was in.

I started working back in August doing account management, moved on to wholesaling in September, and tomorrow, I open my own store. I have proven myself to be loyal and trustworthy and with my western New Jersey living araingments I am close to where Joe G wanted to open a store, so I was named store manager and WCB's western regional mangager for all of western Jersey and PA (if you knew New Jersey, the people who grow up in the north east think that the western boarder is the wild west. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. To them I am Wild Bill taming the unknown). I'm excited and nervous because if it works out, then I'm not moving back to morris county like I had hoped, but I'll be loaded. If it doesn't, then I'm out a job. I just can't stand being a failure and I know that if I failed I couldn't come back and face everyone and go back to doing what I was doing before the store opened. When I say store, I mean little box in the middle of the mall where I'll stand and watch people go by and hopefully sell some phones.

My thanks go out to Heather for explaining to me how to work Flickr to get better looking pics up on my blog!

This is my glorious hole in the floor that will hopefully one day be a successful and awesome store.

Tomorrow morning the 19 packages containing the 2800lb box I will be living in is going to be dropped off at the Stroud Mall between 10 and 1. I plan on spending the rest of the day putting it together and making sure everything is accounted for. I will hopefully remember to take pictures so you can all see the progression, but I can almost guarantee I'll only take a picture or two before I get sweapt up in the build and forget to bust out the ol' sanyo picture phone.

Fire and Electricity

Tonight I’m typing my entry on Word because stupid blogger.com isn’t letting me in. I think I overloaded the system with that last enormous entry. At least this way you won’t have to suffer through the horrible spelling mistakes I pepper my writing with. I woke up at 4:30PM today and realized that I had wasted my whole Sunday. There is something to be said for sleeping in, but sleeping in until sunset really is depressing. I am going to have one of the busiest weeks in recent memory this week, so sleeping in today might have been just what the doctor ordered.

Anyways, time for a little more Isaac history. I played football for Roxbury High School. Our rival school Randolph was just down the road. We were raised from little boys to hate them with a passion and even the mention of that town to this day makes me feel a little resentment. It’s like Israel and Palestine without suicide bombers and kids throwing rocks at tanks. My senior year we beat Randolph twice in 6 days and went on to win the state championship. I love bringing that up to people I meet from Randolph, so when I got a job at Home Depot one summer during college and heard that one of my fellow paint desk associates was my age and played for Randolph I had to talk a little shit. Long story short we are now best friends. He had a jeep and I had a jacked up ramcharger so he took me offroading a few times and I was hooked. It’s funny because one drunk night a few years ago I promised him he’d be my best man in my wedding whenever it happens and he still would be my first choice to this day.

So Brad met Erika, Kelly, Christine, and Tim one afternoon and basically, they all hate him. He is very similar to me and I know how he felt that day. Like I’ve said before, around new people that I feel threatened by I tend to go into the tank and not be very social. Brad is the same way, so this afternoon was doomed. The day started with me getting a call from Christine who I dated for a short time in school. She told me that a few people were meeting at a state park to take a walk and catch up. When I heard who was coming I realized I didn’t want to go alone because it was one of the first times I would spend time with Kelly since the breakup. I called Brad and I guess I didn’t word the situation correctly. I said something like, “I need backup, I’m coming to pick you up.” When I got to his house he was basically sawing a baseball bat and getting ready to beat someone’s ass. I didn’t realize he thought we were going to a fight until we were halfway there. So he started out in battle mode and I was nervous about seeing these girls, so it was not looking too good. When we got there they were already in the woods and there was no way we’d be able to find them, so we just put on the radio and tried to see how well my truck would climb on shit all over the parking lot. They came out and we went for icecream. For some reason, everything Brad said was shot down by Erika and Brad also has a strong personality so he was going back at her and all I could do was stand there and do nothing. So to this day, my girls from high school hate my best friend and my best friend hates those girls. I was talking to Brad about this today because it came up in conversation last night at TGIF. I told him Erika has a very strong personality that doesn’t mesh with his strong personality and he summed it up very succinctly: It’s like playing with fire and electricity. I got a kick outta that, so there ya go.

OK, blogger.com is back up, so for those of you keeping score, that means everything will be spelt incorrectly from here on out. I know there's a spellchecker, but I don't like it.

What I really wanted to talk about this post is honesty. I have a lot of people I care about that I really want to talk about, but it's hard to say things online in a blog that I haven't told them or that I think might make them upset. Now I could just go on saying everything all sweet and nice and make everyone happy or I could be 100% honest and just pretend that this "diary" is stashed between the mattresses. I haven't decided. If I am not honest, then this really isn't worth doing. If I am, it will screw things up with people. I am not about to motherfuck my friends up and down, but being honest about how I feel about people who I am close with might cause an uncomfortable situation if they find their way here. I am going to wait a while before I get to that point. Let my posts build up a bit so maybe I can slip some stuff in without causing a rukus. I had typed about 3 more pages but deleted them because I tried to take that leap into the realm of things that might burn bridges and it just didn't feel right. I didn't say anything wrong, I just said stuff that I want to keep to myself for a while.

I don't know if anyone reads the comments, but I'd like to give a shout out to an old friend with her own website/blog who I ran into this weekend. www.heatherfink.com is the site. Check it out.

I am still trying to figure out how to post pictures, that stupid hello bullshit isn't working whatsoever so I think I'll just try and link so a few pics from last night

Pictures from last night

OK, I'm going to try and put up the pics now.

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This is Tom falling into the funniest picture of the night. The sign in the back reads "Amazing Cocktails" You can only see the funny part and it was totally an accident


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The gang at TGIF

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Jen made me take another one because she thought she looked angry...

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so Tom decided to look angry to make it fair.

I know this is a sloppy post, but I'll figure out hello! one day and make these all look bloggerific. Until then, just click on the thumbnails to see what I've got.

Tom's Graduation Party

So last night showing up a half hour late ended up being about 2 hours early so tonight I decided that I would be in no rush to show up to my friend Tom's graduation party being held in my ol' hometown. I walked into the restaurant and made my way downstairs just as the DJ was calling up his mom and dad to do a speach. As soon as I filled the doorway and looked inside everyone was looking directly at me because his parents were standing just to the side of the door with a mic. I have never had a knack for knowing when to do things, but I did get a chuckle which is a normally a good thing. I waited outside for the music to start back up and came on in. Tom was sitting with a bunch of people at a full table, so I went over, said hello, and moved to another table and sat down with a bunch of friends that had an extra space. Tonight was awesome because everyone who showed up tonight, with a few exceptions, were from the class of 99 and it was like the second installment of my reunion weekend. Probably 40 of us were there and the funny part was that only 3 of us were at the reunion last night.

Just about everyone there tonight I had been very close with at one point or another and it really felt good to be together again. What was a little strange was that a lot of my friends' parents and siblings showed up. Now this wasn't as wierd as it would have been in high school because all of the younger siblings who used to be whiny little kids are now younger siblings in college and the parents who had been protective and used to keep a keen eye on their little babies are now more like old friends. I felt old for about 5 minutes, then I realized that everything is the same. We all still hang out, most of us live within 20 minutes of where we grew up, and we all still enjoy being together. I really hope tonight spurs us into being close again. I would hate for this to be the last time we all hang out for another 5 years.

Another phenomenon that I realized tonight and last night is that a lot of people I have known for years have fluxuated in weight considerably over the past 5 years. I would say more than 75% of my friend put on between 10 and 30 lbs while in college and most if not all of them lost it all in the past couple of years. Even people who only put on a pound or two are back to their original weight. I left high school at 270lbs (light for me, but I was in lacrosse season in the spring which always took 20 lbs off me) I played last NIFL season at 340lbs and now I am 310lbs. I think with my football career my weight is a little different of an issue, but I better just keep telling myself that. All in all, everyone looked great.

I don't want to get into a person by person recount of tonight's meetings, but there were a few that stand out. First, was Gilbert (last name). He was allways a pudgy kid, but he has lost a lot of weight and looked great. He has lost considerably more hair than me and has somewhat of a combover, but he is such an awesome kid that he could have grown a second head and still been awesome. He is the ultimate comedic partner. He has the timing of a pro and knows exactly what you are getting at all the time. Him and I used to screw around in class together and he has always had my back on any line of thinking I've ever had. Tonight was no exception. I like to think of myself the same way, but damn, that kid is hilarious. He hadn't forgot one inside joke, one prank, one instance since I've known him and everything he said was delivered perfectly. If I ever went into comedy, I'd want him up there with me. I punched his new cell number in my phone and gave him (and everyone else) my business card. He's in town, so expect to hear about him in my later postings.

The next person who I must acknowledge is Kelly. Without going into a 10 page story, she is my ex and was the first girl I had ever loved. She was the first girl I ever dated, the first girl I ever kissed, and the first girl to make me cry. She was the biggest part of my life for the majority of 5 years and my experiences with her will stick with me forever. That is both good and bad because my relationship with her was a painful one. It started with the fat goofy 8th grader who was not accepted by his classmates, teammates, etc and a cute girl with acne and glasses that he found beautiful. Our relationship started with a goodmorning every morning and a goodbye every afternoon. It sounds like nothing, but it meant everything in the entire world to me because I thought she was everything and the fact that she would do that every day gave me a reason to wake up in the morning. We were both in all the excellerated classes and because her last name was the first C name and mine was next to last in the Bs we were always near each other on seating charts and locker assignments. I was so damn shy that on valentines day I didn't think it would be OK for me to bring her a flower. At the end of the day I said something like, "I wanted to bring you flowers, but I didn't know if you would accept them from me." She told me she would have loved them, so I made my mom stop at the florist on valentines day so I could wait in line with all the other dudes that waited until the last minute. I bought one pink rose. I felt so wierd bringing it in I put it in 3 bags so nobody would know what it was. I then walked into the home ec room and asked if I could keep in in the fridge until the end of the day with my face so full of blood that if someone had poked me with a needle I think my whole head would have exploded. I picked up the rose before 9th period and put it in my locker. When we were both in the hall and were getting our stuff together for basketball I took out the tripple bagged rose and slid it accross the floor to her. I had never been so nervous in my life. She loved it, and that was the beginning. It wasn't until some time later that we officially were "going out," but she was all I could think about. I begged my parents until they agreed to put a second phone line in our house so I could call her every night and for the duration of our relationship we were on the phone every single night for HOURS. As freshmen football players, we didn't dress for the varsity games, so I used to take her every single week. It was one of the only things I could do with her that didn't involve my mom's teal minivan. We would sit and hold hands the whole game and it would make me so fucking happy to just be holding onto her. I still remember the adrenaline pumping just when we first held hands and walked to the front of the school to get picked up after the game. I can't belive I'm letting this entry turn into this, but bear with me, it was going to happen one time or another, might as well be tonight. Our first kiss was after a 6 to 3 overtime playoff loss to Morris Knolls on November 11th, 1995. Everyone was getting up to leave and she just leaned over and we kissed for probably 10 seconds and then we held hands to the front of the school. I still remember looking down at her girlfriends and seeing them all look at us like we were the cutest thing in the world. I was the emperor of the free world. I was pharoh over all of egypt. I had just pulled the sword from the stone and earned my rights to the throne. I was a rockstar and the MVP of the superbowl and anything else you could possibly imagine. I went home and totally forgot that my role models on the varsity squad had just had their championship dreams destroyed by a 1 yard run by the full back in overtime. I had never been so proud in my life. That was also our last kiss because I had no idea how to make it happen again and a few months later she cheated on me with the guy who played next to me on the O and D line. That was my first real sense of loss in my little stupid life and if I could have cried any harder or prayed to die in my sleep with any more conviction I would have. I ran out of tears a month later and finally started thinking about other things. Her relationship with Joe didn't last and the summer after our sophomore year we were going back out, but this time I felt like I had to earn it. I felt unworthy and would grovel for her affection. I would call her up and she would be in a bad mood and I would beg her for forgiveness even if I had done nothing wrong. With all the abuse I was taking in school and with how lowly I saw myself, this was the only chance at love I had. She had a hand in making our relationship like this. I don't know if it was intentional or it just happened that way, but I felt like I was unworthy and that she was above me and that is how our relationship went. She would ask me when I was going to call her, if I was late by even a few minutes I was begging for forgiveness and she was threatening to leave me. My lowest moment of whippedness was my senior year. My O-Line coach told us that if we rushed for over 200 yards and didnt' let up a sack he would take us all out for steaks. We rushed for almost 300 yards and passed for 100 with no sacks, so he told us on the saturday after the game that tuesday we would be out for a steak dinner. I didn't go because I hadn't warned Kelly far enough in advance that I wouldnt' be around for our 4 hour conversation that night. I was the captain of the team and the only offensive lineman to skip it. During the course of our relationship I spent time with only her, forgot about all my friends, let my grades slip, and got in trouble in sports all because I was so afraid of losing her. On December 6th, 1998 I realized it was over. That day was the best day of my entire life. I don't think there is an event that could possibly happen to me from now until the day I die that could ever hold a candle to that day. If I won the lottery and slept with both of the olsen twins it would still not match December 6th, 1998. That was the day Roxbury High School won it's first state championship 7 to 6 at Giants Stadium in East Rutherford, NJ. We were 44 point underdogs and started out our highschool careers at 3-6 as freshmen. We ended 10-2 and our school's first ever state champs after over 100 years of football. I have not yet since cried in joy like I did that afternoon. I was bleeding and bruised. Exhausted and happy. Instead of hanging out with the rest of the team, I picked up Kelly in my 86 cutlass salon and we went out for coffee. At one point in the night she got mad and said, "If all you are going to talk about is football, bring me home." I didn't right away, but I did cut the night short and went home. That week I was talking to her and she said something like, "fine, if that's how you feel, then it's over. We're breaking up." That was about the 15 trillionth time she'd dropped that on me, but this time instead of begging on my knees for forgiveness I just said, "OK then. It's over." It wasn't officially over for another week, but that would be another enourmous story and this one wasn't supposed to happen tonight either, so just know that it came down to me telling her that we were through and both of us moving on.

Back to tonight. Kelly's mom, dad, sister, and boyfriend were all at Tom's graduation and I am still a little uncomfortable around her so I didnt' know when the right time to say hello would be. I know from experience that ex boyfriends hanging around your girl is stressful, so dude law said not to start up a conversation with her in front of him, let her start one with me. So I was haning out with the beautiful redhead Erika (who is a whole nother story) who I had hung out with last night. She and I were talking last night about the worst drinking night of my life that ended with me not drinking for almost a year and I asked her if she would not bring it up at Tom's party because everyone there was at that party including my friend Awesome Dan's parents. That party I am speaking of was a blast until my jackass friend koWALA decided that our punch needed an extra liter of grain alcohol, gave my allready drunk ass a glass without telling me, and damn near killed me. I woke up the next afternoon in my own bed, naked, with my truck in the driveway and no idea what the fuck had just happened. After about a month of questioning I found out I made the biggest fool out of myself, tried to drive home, got beat up by 9 of my friends until I gave up my keys, tried to jog home (about 7 miles) passed out in the woods in a patch of poison ivy, then was shoveled up into the bed of my truck and carried into my house, past my mortified parents and into my room where I locked myself in and I guess, got naked and went to sleep. I still have trouble looking Awesome Dan's Awesome parents in the eye, but for a year afterwards I avoided all my friend like the plague because the ALL were there. So anyways, Erika said she wouldn't say anything if I'd buy her a drink the next night. I have always loved her to death, so buying her drinks and getting to spend time with her seemed like a fair punishment for her knowing aweful stories about me and keeping them quiet. So I go to the bar to open a tab and get her a gin and tonic and myself a nice cool bottle of budweiser. The bar didn't take plastic, so I had to leave and go to an ATM down the road. On my way, Kelly's mom grabs me by the arm and starts talking to me. That woman hated me with every ounce of her being when I was dating her daughter and she also made her daughter the way she is. I have never liked her and even though I was never rude or smart assed to her, she still always kept a close eye on me. Her father is the nicest guy in the whole world and I really enjoyed talking to him. When we were going out and I was all into sports he told me that after college he had a shot with the Mets. He was an outfielder and had played in the minors for a while and was just about to break into the majors when he met maureen. THAT WOMAN MADE HIM CHOOSE BETWEEN BASEBALL AND HER AND HE CHOSE HER!!!! You could tell it killed him inside and that if he had it to do all over again he would be an outfielder for the mets and she would be the subject of his stupid blog just like Kelly is to me. I've always seen him as a broken man who got trapped with a woman that treated him like crap. I dont' know much about their relationship, but every trait I didn't like in Kelly I saw mirrored perfectly in her mother so I can't imagine his relationship being all peaches and cream. So I talk to her for a minute or two, she coments on how big I am and wants to know all about my football career. I drop a few press release lines on her and make my way to the door. I am stopped 3 more times by parents of friends and it takes me a good half hour to walk 50 feet to the door.

So I go and get that paper and come back to the party. I took out $100 and it felt good to know that I could take it out and not worry about seeing "declined" pop up on the window. For years taking out a 20 dollar bill was a miracle. Working sucks, but having the money is good. I get back, buy Erika her drink and come back to the table to find Kelly sitting in my chair. She says something about talking to her mom before talking to her being wrong and we chuckle. I ended up talking to her more than I would have expected, and it was nice to talk to someone who was so important to me for so long, but it's also amazing how I look at her like you would look at a picture. She is a piece of history, a painting that you study. She is not like other girls that I would look at and make a mental note of their hotness. She is just there. Even in person it's like talking on the phone. She did mention that she tells the story of my cousin's black child. I didn't appreciate it because my cousin works as a social worker and deals with a lot of sex offenders and the way her family totally doesn't say a word about why her husband is blonde haired with blue eyes and his daughter is black says something to the circumstances under which this might have happened. She made it sound like it's a cute little story. To me it shows my cousin's devotion to the importance of human life, her husbands deep and undieing love for his wife, and just how special all life is even if it's started out the wrong way. My little black 2nd cousin is one of the sweetest little girls you'll ever meet in your life. She has a mom and dad who love her very much and a family who never once has made her feel different, but Kelly thinks it's a joke, and icebreaker with new people, some little factoid that means nothing. It hurt me. I don't know if she was trying to regain dominance in a relationship where I hold all the cards or if she truely belived that a story I told her in confidence back when I thought she was the woman I was going to spend the rest of my life with was just something to throw around at parties. Even though I make this sound like it was the foucus of our evening, it was not. After I brushed that dirt off my shoulders we had a pleasent conversation and went our own ways. I kept looking at her little boyfriend and wondering what must be going through his head. I am a good 6 inches taller and probably about 150 lbs heavier than him and built like a tank standing there talking to his girlfriend who is my ex and laughing and having a great time. I don't know if it's just me, but I would have been sizing the guy up in case I had to smack a bitch. He just kinda sat there and didn't even respond when I said stuff directly at him. I am very territorial and even though I am harmless I have a tendency to act like a grizzly when I am uncomfortable with someone. Even though I know he has NOTHING to worry about, how does he know? He should have at least given me a dirty look or took a stance that was threatening or something. I felt kinda cheated.

After a few more minutes the bar was closed and everyone was pushed out the door. All of us class of 99ers decided that we were going down the road to a TGIFridays for a few more rounds. I picked up Erika another gin and tonic, Tom a budweiser, and myself a jack and coke and we just hung out and bullshitted for hours. I got to spend a lot of time with Erika which was great. I had a crush on her when we were kids and have been facinated with her ever since. She is probably the smartest person I've ever met and also one of the most talented artists. On the flip side she can be the most hurtful and mean person I've ever seen. When she uses her superior intellect against you, there is nothing you can do but be embarrased. I don't know if that is why I can't get enough of her or what, but I really enjoy her company. I think it's because you know that if she is laughing you really did say something funny and that if she's acting interested in what you're doing she really is interested. You really have to be on point or she'll knock you down. Tonight I was on point. I don't know if it was the free drinks I put in her or if she was just feeling a sense of nostalgia hanging out with all of us for the first time in years, but she was really nice and fun tonight. I really hope to see more of her and everybody in the coming weeks.

Tom, is Tom. He is another genious with a whacky sense of humor that makes everything fun. He sleeps in a bed shaped like a racecar and has posters on the walls that have been there since the early 90s including MC Hammer, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and a patrick Ewing rookie vintage. What's amazing about Tom is that he will be singing the Meow Mix commercial in the highest octave humanly possible one moment and then talking about politics with the next breath. He is currently working out in Chicago, but I really hope he comes back to the Jersey in the near future because he is just an amazing guy.

There was another Bad Lauren sighting. She was also in the restaurant in the dining section with the girls she came to the reunion with and a buddy of mine we'll call Russless. I again played the shy little boy game and didn't have the balls to go over and talk to her and her friends when I heard they were coming in, but then after another jack and coke I thought back to all the years I wished I was in contact with her but was too much of a puss in boots and walked over and just said hello. I talked with the whole group of them for about 5 minutes and then said something like, "hey I saw you guys come in and just wanted to let you know that a bunch of us are just hanging out by the bar if you want to stop in and say hello before you leave." I am Don Juan De La Neuch, but they didn't stop by. When we left, I looked back and their booth was empty. I don't know what I expected to happen, but it was a little bit of a downer. Her friends and my friends were two totally different groups with a couple exceptions and I understand them not coming over, but I still felt like I missed an extremely rare opportunity to see Bad Lauren. To make things even more interesting she was sitting in the middle of a round booth that was full with people on both sides. I try not to make it obvious that I am only talking to her when she is in a group of my friends, but I don't think I did a good job tonight.

I am getting carried away with these posts. Hopefully once I've caught you guys up to speed on some of my past I can cut them down to a reasonable size. If you read all of this... you should get a medal.

5 year reunion

OK, I tried to talk myself out of going to my 5 year class reunion all day and almost was successful. I always do a good job of rationalizing why it's perfectly normal that I am sitting at home while I have friends who are meeting up for a night on the town. The usual excuse is that I live about 70 miles from everyone else and that if we go to a bar I'll have to just watch everyone get hammered instead of taking part in the debauchery. Last night my brain played a trick on me and said, "hey, I'll stop in after work(I get off work at 6), I'll say hello to everyone, have a beer, and go home." That didn't seem like too much to ask, so I decided I'd go. I work in Fairview, New Jersey and the reunion was being held in Hoboken, NJ (aka the trendiest, coolest place to live for people my age, but I digress) at Trinity (http://www.hobokentrinity.com/). A little NJX70 history for you: My school's mascot was a Gael aka Gaelic Warrior. It's basically a Viking. Now this bar is a "Gaelic" bar... Coincidence... You decide.

Here is the invitation I received via classmates.com. Please let me know when you would have arrived:

Roxbury High School Class of 1999 Reunion
Organizer
Heather Fink
When
Nov 26, 2004 08:00 PM ET
Duration
all night long
Details
Hey! We (me and Dara) heard that nobody was planning our damned 5 year reunion, so we decided to plan our own party! So, class of 99, bring yourself down to party for a fun night in Hoboken, and make up some kind of cool story about what you are up to now so you can impress everyone! Get to thinking, hire an escort to play your significant other, hurry there isn't much time! Just get your ass to Trinity on the night of Friday, November 26, the day after Thanksgiving. Oh yeah, and tell anyone and everyone from the RHS class of 99 you can get in touch with. Forward this invite! Oh yeah, and get there early cause this bar gets pretty packed. PS- this isn't a REAL reunion, just a date, time and place to go- so there's no freebies or cool stuff like that.

OK, so I was planning on being there early just like the invitation said, but just as I was leaving work my boss calls me up and says that he REALLY needs me to pick up some stuff from the office and drop it off at our new retail location. Just another one of the perks of being the only guy in the office who drives a pickup truck. So I grab one of our part timers and we load up my truck with cell phone accessories and I am off to Lodi. I get there, unload, and plan on leaving right away, but the store was just finished and was looking really nice, so my boss wanted me to hang out and check out his new place. I ended up helping a few customers, chit chatting, and wasting a good hour in the store. I didn't leave until quarter to 8 and I was panicking. I don't know Hoboken too well, and for those of you who don't know about the town it can be a little confusing. It's like a younger, trendier, Manhattan and right across the Huson river from NYC. People fresh out of college with big paychecks and bar tabs like to move there because of the night life and the convenience of a train that drops you off right in the city from the middle of town. I know I haven't posted many times and if you don't know who I am when you're reading this you don't realize how uncomfortable places like this make me. I have lived most of my life in New Jersey, but I have always been in a rural setting and am originally from the Appaliatian mountain region of Kentucky. If you ever hear about programs where they go into the poor regions of Appaliatia and help the poor backwards people find God and build houses, you know where my life started out. I love trucks, dive bars, doing things outside, and quiet nights just having a few beers with friends... None of which are even a possiblilty in a place like Hoboken. When I dress up it's a sweater with jeans and boots. At the bar last night ever other guy was wearing a trendy blazer and had their hair all teased up like they were in some boy band.

Anyways, I get some directions from a friend who lives in the town and I get going. Luckily I have almost no trouble finding the place, find a parking spot about a mile away and walk back. I was FREEZING for the whole walk back but it didn't' stop my mind from running through all the bad things that could possibly happen once I got there. I was a popular kid in high school. I was the captain of the football and basketball team, played lacrosse, was a member of the honors choir, played in the concert band, and was in the jazz band. The problem was always that growing up I was a good foot taller and 100lbs heavier than everyone else and I never was comfortable with myself enough to just relax and be myself. I was always a clown to try and fit in and it bit me in the ass. I was the big goofy kid and took more than my fair share of shit growing up. Even in high school I was always having to stand up to some kid half my size that was making fun of me. Now I could have easily destroyed these people, but that is not what you do when you are big. Everyone always says, "if I had your size I wouldn't let anyone fuck with me." Well, if you had my size you'd realize how self conscious you always are about using your size to your advantage. It's like you have some super power that you have sworn to use only for the powers of justice, only not anywhere near as cool. I had plenty of friends in school, but I KNEW if the "popular" kids showed up that there was that chance that I would feel shunned again just like I did in high school. But this wasn't what I was thinking about once I got into the bar.

When I got into the bar it was just me and a few groups of 30 somethings that were out for the evening and NOT ONE person from my class. OK... Now what? I looked at my cell and realized it was 8:30 and I was alone. My mind started racing. Did they decide to go to a different bar? Am I the only one that even cares enough to show up? Am I at the right place? Is today the day after thanksgiving... Yeah, I had turkey last night. Did I have the right time? Did something change on the invitation last minute? Should I call someone and give them my password to check it out? How long should I wait? Is this just another time I am going to be made to look like an asshole? Why did I come here alone? Why didn't I call someone to ride in with me? Who do I know in town that I can get down here NOW? Why did I even talk myself into coming to this stupid reunion? Do I really know that these people aren't from my class?

I realized that a 6'3" 325lb guy with a beard and a shaved head standing in the middle of an empty dance floor alone was looking a little strange, so I decided I'd sit at the bar and have a beer just to look like I had a reason to be there and then make a decision on what to do. There weren't enough people there to make an exit without everyone realizing I walked in, looked at the time, looked around like a lost retarded boy and then walked out, so I stayed. Almost and hour went by and my beer was just as warm as the hand I was holding it with, but I didn't bring much money and I had a long ride ahead of me so I didn't want to start banging them down. Then a little stocky fellow comes up and orders a beer. I look down, and I had never been so happy to see Lee in my whole life. The 5'2" 220lb powerlifting troll was there! Huzah! I am not alone! We played football together and it was someone to talk to. We never got along as athletes, but he's a great kid dealing with a lot of the same things I deal with being huge because he's short. Lee can throw a punch that would level a building and is the single strongest person I know, but he gets shit on even more than I do because instead of the "shutup, asshole" they get from me, he goes right back at them. He was full of stories of beating the dog shit outta guys that we knew from high school over the past 5 years and for the next hour I felt like I gave him too rough a time growing up. I let him know that for the 10 year reunion we'd just meet half way to save gas and we laughed and just had another beer.

I was ready to head out at that point, but Lee was determined to find others from our class. We walked around a bit and ran into a couple more from our class that really weren't that into the whole "what have you been up to" thing (it was so loud in there that it really took a lot of effort to tell your story, and neither of us were close enough with either of them to really put out that kinda effort). Then the night turned around. I had a friend in high school names Lauren. My sister named her Bad Lauren because I used to date another girl named Lauren from Australia and for some reason my sister Angela thought that instead of using their last names she would just call one good Lauren and one bad Lauren. I have never been so happy to run into someone in my life. I have sheepeshly tried to look her up over the past few years, but because one month turns into one year turns into 5 years so quickly I felt like it would be wierd to give her a call... and I couldn't find her number. She is without a doubt, the funniest girl I have ever known and was an awesome friend who I really wanted to keep in touch with after high school but failed horribly. Just hanging out with her for a few minutes made the whole night worth it. And after I ran into her and we chatted for a while I started seeing more and more of the people I really liked in school and I ended up having a great night. 2 am came around quickly and I was back on the hike to my truck. I ran into so many people and have so many great stories, but can tell that I am rambling on and should just close this post. The most important thing is that I gave Bad Lauren my card (I was so proud of it even though my job is an average job. Plus it was a good way to give people my contact info) and put the ball in her court. I was an ass after graduation and should have kept in touch with her and didn't, so I'll totally understand if she never calls/writes me, but I let her know that I missed the hell out of her and want to hear from her again. She is almost done with her training to join the CIA (perfect job for her) and will be based out of Washington DC, which means that I'll problably not see her often, but I just hope that I got across my desire to keep in contact. We'll see what happens.

I only took one picture with my stupid phone and it came out like crap, so I'm not even going to bother posting it. Tonight I'll try and get a bunch of photo's at my friend Tom's graduation party and post something here.

Oh, I totaly forgot! I ran into Capt. Redface (my college roomate) at the bar right as I was leaving! Talk about one shocking moment! I was like, "Holy shit! Redface! What the fuck are you doing here?" Neither one of us lives anywhere near Hoboken, so it made it that much more strange. OK, I'm done.

not all my posts will be super long

see.

Hair loss, friends, and time

Today I woke up and looked in the mirror for the seven thousandth time this week and made a realization and a decision about my life. About a month ago I decided that I was going to grow my hair out. Ever since I was a kid I've loved rock and roll and always wanted to have long hair. When I was 12 a friend of mine got me hooked on Metalica and I wanted to look like the guys in the band. I grew my hair out for almost a year and then my parents came down on me and forced the hair to go. When I was in college I decided that after spring football was over I would stop shaving my head for good. It lasted all summer until the first week of football camp in August when I realized that 135 degree heat, 100% humidity, a 325 lb body, a full head of hair, and a helmet really didn't all go together. So that brings me to the present. I had been letting my hair do what came natural for about a month for the first time in about 4 years. I kept looking at the sides of the front of my head and thinking to myself "ah, it's just thin because I wear a helmet. Ah, it's really just me being over self conscious. Ah, it's nothing, just let it grow in and nobody will notice." I was wrong. I have been wearing a hat because my hair is neither long nor short and just kinda sits there all a mess with nothing a comb could possibly do to save it so I wasn't sure if it was hair loss or just scary ass hat head.

This brings me to why today was any differnet than any other day. Today is Thanksgiving and I had family coming over and a day off from work, but more importantly it's the day before my 5 year highschool reunion. The reunion of the Roxbury High School class of 1999 was actually arrainged at a bar about 40 minutes from town by a couple of chicks I graduated with that had nothing to do with student affairs whatsoever in high school but realized that our class president had no intrest in doing this and just set a date via classmates.com to meet up with whoever was around.

Now I know I'm jumping around in time and boring, but this is helping me more than it's helping you, so just SUCK IT UP! A few months back I ran into 3 of my closest high school buddies at a bar in town and sat down for a few beers. One guy looked the same he always has, one guy lost a lot of weight and looked a lot better, and one guy just looked old as hell to me. I just kept looking at my buddy and thinking, "damn, that guy looks so old. What the hell is different?" He had grown a goatee, but that wasn't it. He was well dressed, but he had always been the kinda kid to come to school in nice clothes so that definately wasn't it. IT WAS HIS FUCKING HAIR! His hair line had moved almost an indescribeable amount, and it didn't even stand out as different unless you looked close, but he no longer looked like a young man. I don't want to say he looked like shit because he is still in great physical shape (better than I'll ever be. He always has been in awesome shape. Reminds me of Ned Flanders) and is still just as much fun to hang out with as he was in high school, but the way his hair made him look like an old man was just plain scary.

So this morning I took a quick shower and just stood in front of the mirror for an hour. It was not hat head, it was not an optical illusion, it was not me being over critical of myself, it was hair loss. The left and right side of my hair are thinning and my hairline is slightly higher than I remember it. I agonized over what to do for almost another hour. I decided to grow my hair now because I believed this might be my last shot at healthy, full, long hair before my hair STARTED to get thin. It takes about a year and a half of growth before it's really comfortable and can be worn the way I really wanted to wear my hair and by 25.5 years old I figured I'd be pushing my luck. My father's whole family has thin hair and my mother's side of the family are all bald so I knew genetically the odds were against me. Today I realized for the first time that I am getting old. I dug out the clippers and cut off the inch or so of hair that I had grown. I have done this thousands of times, but this morning I was sad. Every time I made a pass I thought to myself "well, that's the last time that stripe will ever be that long." The worst part is that I knew that if I went to my high school reunion with my hair looking the way it did I would be perceived as looking "old" as compared with the guy wearing aviator sunglasses and a blue graduation gown of so few years ago.

Today was the first time in my life I realized that physically I am going to lose things that I can never get back. I've sat too many hungover afternoons watching ESPN classic to think that I am going to be a healthy, strong, athletic young man for the rest of my life. I heard a quote that I will not be able to reproduce a while back. I don't know if it was from a movie or some old football veteran or what, but he said something like, "I had everything. I was stronger and faster than any man. I thought I was going to live forever. Now, look at me. I wake up, and every day I have lost something. Every gift you have been given in life will be taken away in time. I just hope that what I have done will somehow live forever because I certainly will not." I know what I have "lost" is just a couple hundred strands of hair, but the fact that no matter what I do, no matter how badly I want it, no matter how hard I work, the fact that those hairs will never come back is frightning. Today it's just hair. What will be the next thing to go? I have dealt with losing a lot in my career as a football player and in other parts of my life, but everything I've lost to this point could be earned back or improved upon with hard work. Today I lost something I have no controll over. A couple months ago I felt like I could do anything. Today I realize that everything that I have has a duration and a closing that I have no control over. I have never felt so mortal and so weak in my life.

So tomorrow (technically today) I will go to work, do my job, clean up, and go meet up with a handfull of my old high school aquaintences. I don't like the location due to distance from home, but it will be nice to see a bunch of people who never gave me the time of day in high school acting like we are long lost friends. My important "reunion" will be on Saturday night when I meet up with all the people who really were/are my friends at another party for a friend's college graduation. As a side note, I don't know the standard operating procedure for naming names in a blog. As time goes on I'll try to be more clear. This guy graduated in 5 years with a double masters in engineering and tuba performance. He was our valedictorian and also one of my best friends since we were little kids. I am really looking forward to saturday because he only comes to town for a few days at a time and our interaction normally consists of the two of us stopping at a 711 for a coffee and bullshit session before he's back on the road to study with some legend of music or work on some important engineering project.

Well, seing as I have to get up for work in a few hours and I'm sure my "old at 23" stories SUCK I'm going to just end this here. I wanted to end with something special, but I don't have anything else to give. Thank you for reading my first entry. I hope that this small window into another average life has somehow entertained you.