Thursday, March 31, 2005

What the hell?

OK, my day started out very strange. I woke up to my mother banging on my door at 7:15 asking if I was up. I NEVER sleep through my alarm. Especially when I have something important like work going on in the morning. I have a tendency to hit the snooze a dozen times, but I NEVER sleep through it. I went to bed last night around midnight which is early for me, so I had no excuse. Anyways, I hop up, throw on my best suit and blast on out the door. I hop in the Red Dragon and I'm off. About 5 minutes into the ride I realize that my transmission no longer overheats, but it's still pulling the same fucking bullshit it was before I brought it in. I was running around 3.5 to 4.5 thousand RPMs at 65mph. Now if I'm in a Honda, no big deal. I'm winding up a 5.9 liter, 360 cubic inch, V8 to that speed when it redlines at around 5.5 thousand. I switched off the overdrive and turned it back on to see if anything would change... no change. So now I had to get BACK on the phone to my parents to call my uncle to have them square this shit away. How hard is it to replace a broken piece with a shiny new one? Stupid fucks. At least I know my Uncle Russ will give him hell. He deserves it.

To premise this story, yesterday, Helder and I were picking up our company lunch thanks to the wonderful people at Phoenix and he said to me, "I never realized how big you were until I tried to walk around you to get a sandwitch. I kept walking and you were still in my way." I'm no skinny bitch, but I'm not a fat fuck by any means. I'm a healthy 315lbs (down from my fighting weight of 345lbs). So anyways, today I get into work at 10 to 9. I get in the elevator, get to the lobbey, and then get in the second elevator to get myself up to the 10th floor. A middle aged woman gets in with me and we stand on opposite sides. I'm on the left side of the elevator, just about in the middle, leaning on the wall to my left. She is standing close to the right wall. Standard opperating procedure so far. I hit 10 and she hits 6. We get to the 6th floor, the doors open, and she TURNS SIDEWAYS, says, "excuse me" and shuffles out like I'm blocking the door! I was so far from the door that you could have fit 10 more people in the elevator. I wasn't even close! She looked at me and thought I was so huge that she had to fucking turn sideways to get out the door! WTF? I was flattered, but regardless it was funny. I ended up picturing the person she saw in that elevator all day. I can only imagine how planet like you'd have to be to block that door if you were one of two people in the vader.

I took a bunch of tests today and didn't do as well as I had hoped. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks while I'm shining up my brain. I have all this shit up there, I just have to figure out how to get it all out.

I have to post this link because when drufus gets bored, cool shit happens. The last time he was bored he made himself a pimp cup(which you will find if you look closely). This time, he decided to make a video documentary of a day in his life. He filmed it all with his digital camera and hosted it on the web. It's not perfect, but it's a cool idea and if you can get past his disguisting fatbody in boxers, you'll get a kick out of it. NOTE: Because I don't feel like editing html to get the link small so it doesn't fuck up the look of the blog, it's been permalinked in the sidebar. You should be able to figure out which link is drufus's movie.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

My 2 movies

I complained about a movie deal? Well here are my two machinima movies I directed almost a half a year ago.

The first movie is I Like to Kill People with Things staring Alex Trebek (brad) as Agent 47. This started out as the two of us testing my new A/V equipment and turned out pretty funny. If you can see the humor, great. If you are disgusted by the violence in video games and the american penchant for all things gory... go fuck yourself.
http://www.gametrailers.com/player.php?id=203&type=mov&f=1

This is my second movie, Grenada Vol.1. Vol2 is in the can, but there is a story here that needs to be told. The players in Grenada Vol. 1 are my old teammates from my Rainbow Six 3 team that competed and did very well on www.gamebattles.com. Soon after the release of Vol.1 we decided to get working on vol.2. I have to say this is a rough one because it was the first time I'd used Rainbow Six as the engine for a movie. Vol.2 is a freaken masterpiece. It actually has a story instead of just a bunch of guys blowing themselves up and laughing about the physics of the game. Only problem is that most of the people that were a huge part of filming Vol.2 had a falling out. Most of them left the sqad over differences, some stopped playing all together, some were real assholes about it. Thus, Vol2 is incomplete and sitting on a DVD in my room somewhere. One day I'll get over my differences with some of the people involved and finish the damn movie (or at least release the first half of it), but until then, here's the first installment, Grenada Vol.1 staring Team Old Boys.
http://www.gametrailers.com/player.php?id=240&type=mov&f=1

if you are looking for non machinima movies that actually have some production value, check out my cousin Russ's site: www.massiverooster.com. He does a great job and has some full length films posted. I know at least one of them was featured on the independent film network.

and... I'm.... spent.

In other news... Vultron got totally served!

OK, I've watched this movie a hundred times now. It's a clip from the new show "Robot Chicken" on cartoon network's adult swim. If you have my AIM, ask me to send it to you. Fil brought it by and I dont' think I've laughed so hard in years. It's as funny as Connan O'Brian's Old Time Baseball skit. I will say no more. Just watch the damn show.

The Red Dragon's back in my driveway. My uncle Russ is a scary and powerful man who doesn't fuck around. He is the guy who did a shitty job on my truck's boss. I'm sure he rained fire on him when he heard that my trans blew up after only being there for 2 months. I send it down on monday afternoon, wednesday morning it's back in my driveway. Rock on, Uncle Russ.

Another setback on the road to being 7 certified... municiple bonds. Holy shit is that part of the test hard. Over the course of the day I gained 20 points between tests. One more jump like that and I might pass. Whatever, work is boring blog fodder.

So I have to give my formal review of blogexplosion.com. It's a great service that brings traffic to my little site, but HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS SUCK AT WRITTING! If I have to read one more story from a housewife who's expecting/just had/wants to have her first kid, a psyco fanatic political zero, or a wanna-be-news writter going off about terry shiavo I'm going to bite someone's face. You should be thanking the gods of random selection that you landed here because 99% of the stuff on blogexplosion is SHIT!

Allright... anyways... I added a bunch of pictures that I saved from my old computer to my photostream. It made me long for the days of just lifting and drinking. Seeing myself with a mohawk throwing kegs makes the new pictures of my stupid office and silly quiet life look lame as hell. I'll be getting back to that shape again. Unfortunatly, AG Edwards frowns on mohawks and beards. It's a good thing I'll be making a lot of money.

I have to give credit to Brad for the offroading pics. He took just about every picture of my ramcharger. On the flip side, almost every pic of his jeep was taken by me, so it works out in the long run.

I have been thinking a lot about my new life. The last time I was single for more than a month or two was when I was 14. I'm 24 years old and have never really lived my own life. I'm excited to finally be out on my own, but it's scary to think of what the dating scene is going to be like now that people are getting married and starting families. I had every intention of that being me real soon until I was let in on the secret that my ex hadn't loved me for about a year and was just waiting for the right time to leave my ass. Now it's back to the bars and back to having to give a shit about how I look, my weight, and all that jive. The past few weekends have had very different messages for me. FU weekend was fun because it showed me I can still hang out at my old college and fit right in. There were dames all over the joint, but I'm rusty at the whole closing the deal thing. Then last weekend I hung out with a friend on friday night and then hit the bar with my boys on saturday. The bar saturday showed me a couple of things. 1. Being super drunk makes you look bad. I am known to enjoy the alcohol as much as the next guy, but now that I'm not a raging drunk anymore, running into chicks that are super hammered seems innapropriate and anti-productive. The girl I am talking about is very pretty and if she's the way I remember her from RHS, she's a cool girl. The fact that I didn't persue conversation with her goes to show how I would have a snowball's chance in hell with any chick when I'm that drunk. So lesson 1. When searching for dames, don't get too liquored up. 2. People in their mid-20s date more frequently than people in their late teens/early-20s. I am basing this on a narrow observation. My deal is that I know of a bunch of girls that were very single the last time I checked and now that I'm single, they are all attached. On top of that, well over 3/4 of the chicks at the bar were with their boyfriends. It wasn't an atmosphere where you meet anyone. I was a bouncer for a couple years at a college bar and I've hung out in my fair share of pubs in my day, but now I'm seeing more and more that those bars aren't the norm. So thus, lesson 2. Finding a pool of girls to choose from is MUCH harder now than it was at any previous part of my life.

Does this mean that I'm frustrated and single? No. I'm happy as a pig in shit and single. I am looking forward to the chase. I am just sizing up the competition and not knowing what it will bring. I don't want to just hang out in "college bars" and try to meet 18 year olds with fake IDs. Well... maybe once and a while, but I'm just so tired of little girl games. I am a simple man. I want a chick that makes me laugh, that is easy to deal with, and that is looking for a guy like me. What am I like? I'm excentric, passionate, intimidating at times. I love my truck, video games, working with my hands (welding, mechanical work, woodwork, etc), quiet nights on the couch with a movie, the internet, drinking with the boys, music, cringe humor, porno, etc. If you aren't open with your sexuality, then get the fuck out of my life. When it comes to my desires I have no hangups, no shame, and no limits. I know that's strange coming from a guy who was a virgin until 21, but I'm one leather mask with a zipper down the face from being La Machine.

I don't think I should be on the prowl just yet, but fuck it. I'm single and a "successful business man" (or at least I should be in a few months) with goals and morals and dashing good looks... wait... what? Anyways, if you are a horny chick with a great sense of humor and a penchant for video games and porno, you know where to find your perfect man.

I hate these posts because I am half honest and all embarrassed at the depths of my own filth. Oh brunnen. I just want to have a good time and not end up alone. My number one fear in life is not being able to provide for my family because I started a family late. We 300lb + O lineman are like big dogs, we dont' have long life expectancies. I don't want to die when my kids are in high school. I want to know my grandkids and I want them to know me. One thing that kills me is that I never knew my mother's father and was too young to appreciate my father's father. The stories I hear about them are priceless. I am always being compared to one or the other depending on what family I'm hanging with. I am flattered, but I only wish I was there to know them myself instead of hear about them via stories.I have always believed that with my lifestyle I'd be perfectly happy with a family while I'm young. I love to party, but I am just as happy with a quiet night.


I grew up with nothing but what I needed. My family did a fantastic job raising me. They gave me more than I deserved from less than I knew. There was a period in my life, I didn't realize it at the time, where we didnt' have enough money to go food shopping for weeks at a time. We'd run out of almost everything and I would be looking for something to eat and only finding powdered milk and cans of corn and yell that we need to go to the store. Now that I'm older and looking back, I realize my mother's responses were honest. She'd say, "well, we have to wait until your father gets paid. We will just have to make due until then." Sometimes that was a week, sometimes 2, sometimes a month. Sometimes our kitchen looked like we were moving out. Other times it would be so full of cans and no name dried products that you couldn't get anything out without stuff tumbling all over the place. Then it would happen again... no food for weeks. I never had new clothes. The stuff I had was always years out of style and came in only 2 sizes: Too big and Don't fit. My bike was a hand me down that was way too small for my giant ass. I never had hair because we couldn't afford haircuts so my mom would borrow our neighbor's hair buzzer and shave my head herslef. I had so much, but it all came from nothing. I want to be sucessful so that I can make my father proud and be a great father myself. I've allready decided that my first son will be named after my father and my grandfather. I was supposed to be named after those two men, but I would have been Bruce Brockman III and that wasn't going to happen. I'm proud of my name though, I'm named after my great grandfather who was a legend in the appalacian mountains. My great uncles in Kentucky still laugh when I'm around, "Isaac Brockman... That name brings back memories. Boy, you have a lot to live up to." Anyways, I'm getting older now. When my mom was my age I was 1 year old. That means for every year I'm single that's another year I'm behind my parents. Not that I'm in a hurry now that I've gone through what I've gone through. Things have changed in my mind, but I just want you guys to know where I'm coming from.

Wow, this post got long quickly. Goodbye

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Making friends

http://www.shoemakervillage.org/games/archives/103-Ladder-Theory.html#comments

This is the response to a comment I left a while back about the ladder theory. Look at me being talked about! anyways...

Some vital stats:
Title: Games are for Children - resoring some semblance of honesty and integrity to dating and relationships
Average hits per day: 6,495 (and I thought my 150 was hot)
See the full stats here: http://www.shoemakervillage.org/report/

Author(s): Steve - (link does not work)
LD - http://www.shoemakervillage.org/games/archives/63-Greetings-Folks.html
Kate - http://www.shoemakervillage.org/games/archives/91-A-females-perspective..html#extended

My opinion: This blog is chock full of good opinions on the typical situations we all face when it comes to dating. There are plenty of colorful characters that post comments and many posts in the archives to keep you busy for a long time. I highly reccomend this site. I have a link to the post where he talks about the ladder theory (and me) on top. I'll be adding a link to the sidebar as soon as blogger stops acting stupid.


check em out! They're good people.

Can't hit the gym, so I hit prison

I decided that I'm not going to let the lack of gym stop me from working out, so today I went outside with a rope and did a prison workout. It consisted of 500 reps on the jump rope, 50 pushups, 100 crunches, and 100 prison squats (squats without weight... [see kiesel]). This isn't even a hundreth of what I used to do, but I am out of shape and need to start somewhere. The workout took about 20 minutes and I was lightheaded afterwards. It felt great. So now I'm going to shoot for a few more of everything each time I work out. Hopefully by the time I'm paid and can join the gym I'll have enough endurance to really push myself hard. You'd be supprized how much better you do at building strength when you have the endurance to keep at it. Some people just don't get that.

Holy shit, last night i was so fucked up on coffee and NRGs I couldn't sit still even through the night. Today I forced myself to survive on only one cup and even though it was hard, I'm alive and awake enough to write boring shit, so it's all good. I passed my last chapter exam today with an 80%. I was excited because there haven't been many chapters I"ve passed with an 80% the first time. I then went back and aced an equity test and then proceded to kick the shit out of a debt exam. BOOYAH, BIOTCH! I'm going to be just fine. I finally have my confidence back when it comes to this shit and now it's all down hill. Tomorrow I'll just test all day and by the end of the week I expect to be in the 90s for every single chapter. And when you see me, don't forget to divert your eyes! I'll be known as Ceaser from now on, but if you'd like, you can call me Pharoh. Either is OK in my book. If you happen to run into my junk, you can call him Vlad The Impaler. He's really a gentleman when you get to know him, so don't forget your manners, ladies! Wow, I'm feeling fantastic tonight. I can't remember the last time a feeling like this has lasted for this long. I hope to keep it going.

Speaking of, plans for this weekend keep getting better. Friday night I now have plans to go to NYC for the NY autoshow with AJ and koWALA! I'm pumped as hell because I haven't seen either of them forever. AJ said he got some serious tats done in the past 6 months, so I want to analyize them for quality. I need to find a place to get my tat STAT! What's at the NYC autoshow that makes me have this painful erection in the front of my slacks? Why, the SRT10, baby! Brad went this past weekend and said you can actually sit in it this year! I will have my camera ready to rock and roll at that moment. Fuck pictures with celebrities. I want my pic of me behind the wheel of the most awesome machine man has ever produced (ok, the 71 hemi cuda in hemi orange is... but there isn't going to be one there, so I have to settle). So now I get to see my dream truck (ETA next summer for those of you keeping score at home) and then go party like a pirate up in Boston on Saturday. I'm all hot and bothered as we speak.

I have to thank everyone at blogexplosion.com for stopping by. I am very happy with the numbers the service has been bringing in and I hope that I have entertained you guys at least a lil bit. Don't hesitate to leave a comment! I love hearing back from the people who stop in for a slice of my fattening life.

I posted a pic from last summer to my photostream of drufus sitting on The Admiral's chopper that he built from scratch. Drufus rides, but that's not his. Oh, and he's 6'5" by the way. That bike is fucking huge. I hope to find some hunk of shit street bike to learn on this summer, but that chopper is exactly what I want once I'm in the money and settled at my new place for a while. I should have known things weren't going to work out with my ex when she said that if I got a bike she'd never EVER ride it. I have a lot of toys to buy. I better open up quite a few accounts.

I'm going to keep this one short. I know I've been killing you guys with the insane length of the past few posts.

Quote on the brain:

"You're under arrest!" "for what?" "I'll think of something on the way!"

Monday, March 28, 2005

One more thought

I just added all those songs from the last post into a playlist and have been listening and I realized what I want in a woman. I want a girl who's a mix of Darling Nikki and My favorite damn disease. That being said, I'm going to bed.

High on speed and rain

I decided to type this entry in Word because blogger is being strange tonight. This has it’s advantages. You guys don’t have to deal with my awful spelling mistakes and grammatical blunders. Word has already fixed 5 spelling mistakes… I stink.

Anyways, there are things I have to recommend you guys listen to. I have been a music WHORE this past week and a half and I have found some music that’s touched me, made me laugh, and simply rock out with my cock out.

Here we go. Here are some new specific songs I’m digging:

Zakk Wylde – Way Beyond Empty
Zakk Wylde – In this River
Cake – Friend is a Four Letter Word
Cake – I will survive
Rolling Stones – Don’t Stop
Oh Brother Where Art Thou Soundtrack – Big Rock Candy Mountain
Guns and Roses – I Used to Love her (we both should have had this song years ago)
Iced Earth – Blessed are you
Nirvana – Plateau (unplugged)
Foo Fighters – Darling Nikki

Fil introduced me to a whole mess of stuff, but I haven’t been through it all yet. Thanks in advance, Fil, it all rocks so far.

Alright, that’s done with. You know what else is done with? My series 7 book! I finished the last chapter today. I didn’t take the test yet, but I did very well on all the section quizzes. Now it all comes down to the next 2 weeks. I have until the 13th to be perfect at all this stuff. I am going to be studying my ass off. I am in the passing zone so far, but only by the skin of my teeth. I need to get myself to a point where I’m guaranteed to pass. I know I can do it, but I’m going to have to focus like hell.

It’s been confirmed, the stupid counter wasn’t working last week. I was getting 1 hit a day according to seoblog, but I was getting more than that in comments. Turned out that it was a casualty of the cut and paste psychopath. Oh, I also removed the Adsense box from this site. I was enjoying reading what it thought was pertinent information, but I realized today while studying regulations that I might be breaking company policy by having it there. I ran home and took it down the second it crossed my mind that running any kind of webpage with any sort of financial tilt has to be run by our compliance department. That stupid box was throwing up adds for financial consultants left and right due to my constant talk of work. If I lose my dream job over a game I play on my blog I’ll be swinging in a closet somewhere.

I can’t even tell you how different my life is now. I am experiencing all the old things I forgot about. I don’t know where this starts and stops, but because a blog is ALWAYS a look back. It’s NEVER a look “at” I’ll stop it there. Figure that shit out, mother fucker! I had a very uplifting conversation with Drufus today. He made sure he let me know how bad life is and how nothing is going to get better. What a great fella! I can’t wait to move out. I’m so sick and tired of the commute, the house, the dealing with my parents… all of it. I love them to death and they’re nothing but wonderful, but I need some space. I don’t like the fact that things I talk about get relayed around my family faster than I can even realize it’s happening. My mom has been one of my best friends my whole life, but she’s got to cool it with the stories. I talk to her about stuff and then next thing I know my grandmother is echoing back things that weren’t supposed to leave my kitchen back to me in front of my extended family on Easter Sunday. Not a big deal, but it shows why I need to be on my own. Plus, I am a deviant if there ever was one, and I need my lair to be supervision free. Another thing I am not going much deeper into here. Let you imagination run wild on that one because you won’t be able to see the half of it in your wildest dreams.

Oh, and if you’re wondering why I’m bouncing from topic to topic like a jackrabbit with ADD it’s because the chapter I was studying today was so fucking boring that I ended up eating 3 NRGs and drinking 9 cups of the strongest coffee our wonderful coffee machine can procure just to stay awake. By the end of the day I was going between tapping my leg and falling asleep. I am bored beyond comprehension by stupid regulations and analysis. I get it, there are TONS of rules… now leave me the fuck alone! There was a point when I couldn’t grip the page to turn it because I was shaking. That’s when I realized the 7th, 8th, and 9th cup of coffee were unnecessary. I just am so afraid of failing and I won’t let a great weekend and a horrible night of sleep get in the way of my triumph.

Today has been a record day for this ol blog. Record numbers of people have stopped in. I just hope one or two of them were entertained.

I want to make sure everyone realizes I put a link to the Ladder Theory (fucking genius) on the sidebar. I didn’t call it the ladder theory though. I may change it to be more obvious, but you should be able to figure out which one it is. I’m trying to promote that shit as hard as I can because that man among men has life figured out and even though the truth sucks, everyone needs to read it. Here’s the link AGAIN so you guys don’t have to strain yourselves looking for it: http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

Learn it, Live it, Hate it

Another rainy night coming right up! It made me so happy to drive in the pouring rain today. There’s just something about a good spring rain that makes the world just a little bit smaller. The sky was dark, the fog was thick, and it just felt nice and cozy everywhere I went. I think that was a huge reason why I needed all that caffeine today, but I loved it anyways. Unfortunately my truck is back down at sansone for yet another repair. I have a Dodge neon to drive for the rest of the week thanks to enterprise rent a car. Oh, and while I’m at it, don’t EVER get the insurance unless you don’t have car insurance of your own. A buddy of mine that works there let me in on the fact that it’s a scam and you don’t need it. They actually lost a class action law suit over misrepresentation of their prices due to the insurance fiasco. Whatever. I just want The Red Dragon back by Friday so I have wheels to take up to Boston on Saturday.

I also have a trial membership to eharmony.com that I might set up for real once I’m paid. I don’t know why. I just think it might be fun to see who that site thinks I should meet. Oh Brunnen. I’ll play this all by ear.

Final note: I was going to start jumping rope today… but it’s pouring rain. I was also going to initiate operation Get Huge this week with Brad, but I’m without money, so that’s pushed back until I finally get paid again. Silly gyms wanting me to “pay” to lift their weights! They should be honored! Basically, my life is on hold for a couple weeks.

I want to leave you all with the wise words of J. Mutha Fuckin Scott, “Be ready for anything, and always have one in the chamber.” He’s also the man who says, “If you sing 3 songs a day you will never be depressed.” He might be a lunatic and only half there, but he’s got some great advice.

Up up and away!

Clumsy fingers and complicated code

I have no idea what I did, but I killed a few boxes on the right side of this blog that should eventually bring some traffic here. I also killed the counter that was letting me know how many people were stopping by and from where. It is hard to tell if you should keep up traffic builders when you have no idea how much traffic is coming in. I know they look ugly now, but my fat fingers are tired of typing and I'm going to need a stronger prescription for my glasses now that I've stared at code for hours trying to figure out what the hell I did. So much for cut and paste being easy. Anyways, I know the boxes aren't even close to lining up and that things don't look all nice and neat. Trust me, it's killing me and I'll fix it eventually, but at least everything works now. If you are a coding monkey that can tell what the hell is going on with my sidebar, take a peak at the source file and tell me what's up. I am so useless when it comes to coding these days. The futher I go the more I realize I can't do shit. Oh, Brunnen.

Ended on my terms

I am sitting in my room at 11 on Easter Sunday and it just started raining. I LOVE the rain. Nothing brings me to feel calm and comfortable like rain. The way it sounds, the way it smells through an open window, how all of a sudden a cold breeze will push it's way past my curtains and bring it all togther in one simple package. It's amazing. When I picture my perfect situation with the perfect woman it always is in one of two situations. The first is just as the sun is going down. It's not dark, but it's not bright. It's that perfect time of day that you cannot replicate with any form of movie magic. Me and my girl are just laying out in the grass. There's not a road as far as the eye can see and we're perfectly alone. This is after a full day because we're both a little tired but not ready to let go of the day. The hot air is cooling rapidly and the breeze is strong. Nothing is said. We just lay there and listen to the frogs and the crickets chirping and then we just smile at each other and soak it all in. The smell off the grass and trees is thick in the air even though we've been there for hours. That makes me long for Kentucky like I can't even put into words. Wow, it feels good to voice those pictures in my head. Oh, the other one. In the second situation it's a blazing hot summer day. We're out doing something (never figured out why we were both out in the crazy heat, but bear with me) and all of a sudden the sun is gone and it starts POURING rain. It comes down so hard that there is no use looking for cover. On top of that the rain is cool and it feels good after being abused by the summer sun. We're both soaked to the bone in seconds. After the innitial shock of being wet we both realize that there isn't anything we can do and let ourselves enjoy the feeling of the heavy wetness. The ground is so hot that it immediately evaporates the first wave of raindrops and the air is all at once cool and pungent. She presses herself against me to protect herself from the cool rain and we kiss with the beads of water pouring down our faces. Then we just stand there with my arms around her laughing about the futility of being dry all the while enjoying the freedom of not caring about anything around us but each other. The rain doesn't matter, the heat doesn't matter, nothing is there but us. I hope I live to see the day I have someone special enough to share these moments. I have had them in my head as long as I can remember. I feel like any description I can give would not be good enough. See, this is why I need a movie deal. I would love to be able to show you all what I'm talking about instead of babbling on and on like an idiot.

Anyways... stupid romanticism aside, it's raining like hell outside and it just sounds and smells so great. I missed the summer rain all winter. I love the snow and I love the cold, but there is NOTHING in the world as special as the perfect rainy day. A few years back when I first started hanging out with Brad, if it would rain, we'd get in our trucks and hit the trails. Talk about another great time. Brad would take the top and doors off his jeep and we'd go off into the woods. There is no place I'd rather be than in the woods in the rain. All those afternoons needed was a dame in my truck enjoying the ride as much as I was and it would have been heaven. Hear that ladies? If you want to be my girl you better like 4 wheeling. Everything works out to plan and I'm driving my ramcharger this time next year. You better like it hard, rough, and long because when I take out Canyonaro I ride her hard and put her up wet.

So this weekend was great. I don't know how I could have made this weekend any sweeter... well, maybe a couple tweeks here and there, but I'm so happy with how just about everything turned out. It could have been a disaster on so many levels, but it turned out fun, relaxing, and exciting all at the same time. If I can keep this trend up, I'll be a happy lil guy.

In football news (who saw this shit coming?) the greatest O-Line coach I've ever known is now with the 49ers. Ben McAdoo was my o-line coach my senior year. If I had 4 years with him I would be 100X the player I am now. Here's the link: http://www.sf49ers.com/team/CoachesBio.asp?CoachID=86

and for all you slackers that didnt' click this link, here it is again. If I am motivated I'll add it to the permanent link bar, but just get over there and read. Everyone needs this lesson on life and love: http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html

OK, the weekend is done. It's officially monday morning... yuk. I will get through this week because I will be in Boston this SATURDAY (my bad on saying friday, Capt. Knopantz won't be in town until early saturday morning). I just realized that means I am going to have to fill the void that is Friday night... cool.

Oh Brunnen. I have no idea how this post is coming accross. I'll probably end up editing it later, but screw it, it's here and it's honest. If one of you has no sin, throw that stone!



Movie quote on the brain:

"When you speak of me, speak kindly"

Sunday, March 27, 2005

Dirty Rotten Stay-Out

How much ass do I kick? I have gone from a drunk fool to someone who has a fantastic time with just a few cocktails (unless of course we have to sail the high sees with Cpt. Knopantz... that doesnt' count). Jack and coke is my favorite drink ever. Thank you goes out to Peter Bresko at www.freecellphonesguy.com for re-introducing me to how awesome this drink is. When I worked for WCB we had a birthday party for Jackie at Don Q's and he came. He is one of the coolest guys I"ve met because he is probably in his late 40s and parties like a rock star and has a very lucrative business going for himself. He is at that point with his webpages that he could basically just do nothing. Me, C, and Free Cellphone Guy were hanging out at one end of the table and he was knocking back one Jack and Coke after another, then the waitress came over and he goes, "Senorita, these drinks you are bringing me are wonderful. You know what I would like next? I would like a whole pitcher of Jack and Coke so we can all share in the wonderfulness." She was so confused, but after some explanation we had a pitcher of Jack and Coke. I like to remember my time at WCB like that. There were some great times before the Sprint PCS world fell down around us. Look at me! I'm remembering good things! I think this whole new deal is going to work out just fine for me.

So another night out last night. I felt like an ass because I forgot how to get to Awesome Dan's house. I freaken grew up there and I drew such an amazingly frustrating blank on directions. I realized the last time I was there I was passed out face down in his backyard and then proceded to make a raging fool of myself in front of most of my childhood friends and his family. That was the last night I ever drank like that... thank God. The only problem is every time I've run into Awesome Dan's Awesome Parents it's had to do with drinking. At Tom's grad party I ran into them on my way out of the party to drive down the street to get money to buy drinks (I owed Erika a drink) and then tonight, Awesome Dan's Awesome Dad drove us all to the bar. Of course someone made mention to the last time I was there and I was like, "I'm a new man. I realized the errors of my ways and have changed." And Awesome Dan's Awesome Dad replied, "And where am I driving you again?" "The bar..." And we laughed and laughed and laughed.

There was a band at the bar that was actually very talented, but they ruined it by having a very strange presentation. They would start one song, get about halfway through, and just as everyone was getting into that song segway into another song. Once everyone got into that song they'd segway back into the original song and finish it. It was wierd. Everyone would be singing along to Sweet Caroline and then all of a sudden they're doing a Sublime song. I guess it showed a bit of talent and preparation, but I wasn't digging it.

I ran into some friends I hadn't seen forever. It was a real good time. Then I went to get a round for the boys and ran into a dame I knew from highschool. She was so fucking BLASTED that she couldn't speak. I always remembered her as a lil prim and proper girl with straight As. She was such a mess it wasn't even a conversation. It was her going "bla gagaohatg gbao bla" and me going, "really. That's awesome... BARKEEP!" If she was able to string words together I would have been interested to hear what she was up to, but it was too much of a struggle and I wasn't into it.

Another amazing situation was very clear to me. Almost everyone at this bar was coupled. You would see a few girls and every one would have a guy standing behind her giving the ol' possession touch. The hand on the hip, over the shoulder, etc just to let all guys know "this one is mine!" Nothing wrong with it, and I know couples go out to bars, but it was just strange that there were probably just about as many ladies there as gentleman but nobody was really partying and getting to know other people. It was a strange vibe. Then a kid I recognized from high school came up to me and started asking how he knew me. He asked if I went to Roxbury. I said yes and then asked him what year he graduated. He replied, "Ah shit... [turns to one of his friends] YO, DUDE, WHAT YEAR WOULD WE HAVE GRADUATED??? 98." I was like, "that's super, I'll talk to you later."

So we ended up just hanging out and knocking a few back and then the bar was clearing out around 2AM so we hopped back in Awesome Dan's Awesome Dad's Awesome Minivan and went home. I hadn't drank much of anything so I just got in my dad's truck and drove home. Mine is officially out of commission after the NYC trip I took on saturday. I have a tow truck coming to drop off a loaner and pick it up on monday. I just paid to have a brand new trans installed 2 months ago and now it's shot again. I'm furious for many reasons: 1. I wanted to get into the gym this week and now I can't because if I don't have a car I'll have to take the train. Taking the train means I won't have enough time to get to the gym, lift, and get on the last train to my town. 2. I just paid $7,800 to have it fixed right and it's not. 3. I have a weekend in Boston planned and if I don't have my truck I will have to beg to borrow one of my family's vehicals. Oh, and did I metion I'm broke? I have only been paid once at my job and I've been there since feb 14. That check was only for about 1.5 weeks of work. I don't think I get paid again until the 10th and I have bills. Of course my landlord demanded deposit be placed last week or I'd be just fine. I'm going to have to seriously cut back on any and all expenses so I make it. This is simply hilarious because if I was paid for a full month in my first check I'd still have PLENTY of money and once I'm paid again I shouldn't ever have to live paycheck to paycheck again. It's this silly lil thing called starting in the middle of a pay period in a job that pays monthly.

I know that my long winded posts don't find themselves read at times, but I have a lot to say recently and I'm writting this for my entertainment, so suck it up!

I have to mention that Drufus just sent me this link. http://www.ageofconsent.com/ageofconsent.htm He's a silly goose. And he wonders why people look at him funny.

I guess the quote game is over due to lack of participation, but I would like to have one from time to time anyways:

"We are assembling a fighting force of extraordinary magnitude. We pattern ourselves in the tradition of our ancestors. You have our gratitude."

Saturday, March 26, 2005

hallo zu meinen deutschsprechenden Damen heraus dort

Ich denke I, das ihm allem in meinem letzten Pfosten, aber gesagt werden, mich werde gebohrt und entschieden ihm seien Sie der Spaß, zum Sie während der guten Zeit zu danken gestern Abend auf ganz deutsch. Danke! Es war wundervolle Sitzung Ihre Freunde außerdem. Eine große Zeit für alle!

Night out on the town

I went to NYC last night to see the single most brutal and painful movie I've ever seen in my life. The Downfall is the story of the final days of WWII through the eyes of the people in Hitler's bunker. This movie made shindler's list look like a romantic comedy. I've never, in all my years of being a history buff, EVER seen a story from that point of view. They must have shown 100 suicides along with the murder of 5 children by their mother and a whole family by their father. I always knew that there was strong loyalty in the Nazi party, but holy shit, I never knew it like that. There was a moment where one of Hitler's secretaries was eating and just broke down in tears because everyone was getting the idea that the war was a failure. It wasn't a knee jerk cry. When people cry it's normally because something has happened and it happens when it is triggered by a memory, a story, whatever. This woman was so torn apart by the reality of the situation that she just broke down in tears unprovoked. It was such a powerful moment that I didn't even know what to do. And all along this I'm sitting next to a German who is very sensative about her country's history. For those of you who don't know, as I was typing that I was hoping someone would let me tag along for the evening so I didn't have to make plans, Silvana was IMing me to ask if I'd like to go see a movie. I just fall into awesome situations sometimes. This was one of them. Other than my brand new $3,000 transmission crapping out on me and overheating on the way to NYC and the fact that I had no idea what to say after watching that movie, it was a great night. I don't know what I did to deserve such a great life. How many times in the average redneck life do you get to hang out with an Austrian, a Russian, and a German woman who are all super smart, beautiful, and fun as hell? Not much else a guy from Kentucky can ask for. (yes, asshole, I was born in kentucky and if it wasn't for the fact that I couldnt' make the money I make now in NJ or give my children the same quality of education if I was in Kentucky I'd have moved back to Kentucky years ago.[no I don't have any kids now... I don't even have a girlfriend]) So I've posted the few pictures I took last night on my flickr photostream. I'd love to post the picture of Silvana and I at the bar, but she is simply stunningly beautiful in the pic and I look like a fat necked loser with a creepy half smile. If you really must see it, just click on over to see them full size.

Another thing, how many women do you know that are beautiful, smart, and fun to hang out with? On top of that, how many of them bring a whole new perspective to life? I am lucky to have friends like this. For instance, we left the movie and we were all talking. Juliane, Verena, and Silvana were talking about how the enterance to Hiter's bunker is very hidden right now. They said it's basically a hotel and a garage where the doors used to be. In the movie it was shown as a big building with pillars outside. Then Silvana said, "Well, everything was destroyed, you never know. It might have looked like that back then. My whole town where I grew up was completely destroyed during WWII." I all of a sudden felt like a sheltered, ethnocentric, zero. This is a girl my age who grew up in a place where things we see on TV actually have happened. She lives in a town that was destroyed by war. I am thankful I've never experienced that, and I said so, but then I thought about all the bullshit social problems there are in this stupid country. Who the fuck cares about Terry Schiavo? She's dead. You know what? There are something like 35,000 other people just like her in this country right now. How does that make you feel? Should we keep her alive? I don't know. But does every single blog and news posting need to make references to her? No fucking way. It's like this, in colleges that are located in bad areas (Temple for one) the cops/security don't bust balls about underage drinking. At schools in great areas (Fairfield University) the security guards, cops, townspeople are always up in arms about drinking. Why? Because places like philadelphia have bigger problems to worry about than a stupid fucking case of beer. One of Silvana's friends looked me in the eye and said, "you sure you've never had one of your cities destroyed?" and I was stunned. Yes, 9/11 happened and we were attacked. Yes, that still makes me want to enlist and deal out my own retribution to the ones who know no other form of negotiaton. No, I've never sat in my house and talked with my elders about how the whole town was decimated by wave after wave of bombers and tanks. When you have a place like Germany who is still very much cogniscent about the past and a place like America where we are more concerned with a braindead woman and a news anchor's sex tapes than ANYTHING else it makes you wonder. Even though nobody should ever have to go through the horrors of war in their backyard, you have to think it keeps you focused on what's important in life.

The images I saw on that screen will stick with me for a long time. To think that this is based on truth (I'm not sure the extent of reality because I'm sure they took many liberties with the actual screenplay, but certain facts would be easy to validate. I won't do so because to know these things really can happen gives me a pain in my heart.) is just one of the most frightening and horrible things I've ever known. This feeling I have now is very similar to the feeling I got watching the first beheading video. I was talking with The Boston Strangler and he asked me 5 times before I'd answer, "Did you like the movie?" How do you say you like that? I can say it's an amazing film and that it was moving and scary and horrible and at the same time human and real, but to say I liked it would be like saying I like watching kids get beat or rape testimonies or a documentary on war crimes or any of the like. I am glad I saw it. It made it even more special to see it with someone who felt so strongly about the subject matter. Silvana forced me to come to grips with what I had just seen and be honest about it. Because I couldn't excape with a joke I had to talk through how I really felt. For a guy who evades most opportunities to show who I really am face to face by defusing tough situations with a joke, last night was an eye opener. To put it in it's most simple terms, I can't wait to hang out with her again. It was an amazing night for me intellectually and on top of that, it was a lot of fun.

So then we went to the bar. The first place we went to was some "invitation only" part at the Tribecca Grand Hotel. When I heard those words it made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck. I even said, "oh, I stayed there once." before it had totally sunk in WHY I stayed there. That was the first time I had met Beth's Dad and his soon-to-be wife. I came to the realization right there that even though I'm feeling ok about the whole thing and that I believe I"ve moved on by sheer necessity that I will still have moments where my heart races over some stupid reference or some holiday or some statement because my most recent memory of the stimulus will be with her. It's totally OK for me to feel like that from time to time. I am too rational (I almost said smart... dummy) to sit at home and be upset. I'm also too rational to think that there won't be pangs of consciousness where I'll remember her in inapropriate situations. Anyhoo... the tribecca grand had a huge line outside and even though Silvana's friends were on the list, Silvana and I were not, so we went to another place called, "The Bulgarian Cultural Center." It was a cool looking little bar with an enterance that looked like it was to either a whore house or crack dealer's pad. Inside the music was good and the air was super hot. I paid for Silvana and I to go in and then realized I should have checked my undertaker coat. Luckily for my poor sweat glands, Juliane and Verena didn't think it was worth the $10 cover so we got our money back and decided to just walk back toward my truck and find a place on the way. We ended up stopping in some little bar that only had a cover for dudes. Of course, as we were going in and one of them pulled out their whacky European ID some boy-band-sport-coat-and-jeans pretty boy who was either from France or stayed there a while recognized it and started talking with the girls. No matter what the situation, when you are a dude and a non-gay guy who is better looking has something personal and interesting to relate to with the girls you're with you get a little jealous. Moving on. So we go in and I offer to buy a round. What I ended up buying was a Jack and Coke (the drink of responsible drivers... it tastes too bad to drink quickly and thus I stay sober) and a diet coke for Silvana. I have to say, the DJ was interesting because he didn't play anything from outside the timeframe of 1999 and 2003 besides one song. On top of that, they were playing Napolean Dynomite on the TVs. It was a little place (and frequented by many Asians... that are little) and had a real cool vibe. I have NEVER considered just walking around manhatten until I found a bar to hang out at and when they said that's what we were doing I panicked. I kept it cool, but I just had this picture in my head of a pool cue being snapped in half over my face at some bar while the girls ran for the door. I'm just a country zero. These women are from all over europe and I live in NJ... why am I the one concerned with saftey? Anyways, Juliane and Verena wanted to go to another bar and Silvana was ready to go home. I had cleaned my truck until it was spotless for just this occasion. Unfortunatly, she has no clue how to get herself home by car. She doesn't drive and thus takes public transportation everywhere. A little side note: The girls heard me say I drive a truck and wanted to know what that was like. They didn't know what I meant by truck. They were picturing a semi. So now I'm walking with Silvana back to my truck and was going to offer to at least bring her to a subway station so she wouldn't have to walk alone, but there was one a half block from the garage, so we hugged, and she was off. I hopped in my truck, paid the $9 +$10 for a fullsize vehical and drove off. I didn't know how to get home and I didn't really care. I just hit the first highway that said West in front of it and drove. One of my things is that after a really great night, weekend, whatever, I don't really care if I know how to get home. I always figure it out, but I'm really in no hurry to get back to my life or to go to sleep and check off another day as complete.

I pulled my truck into the driveway at 5AM and couldn't turn the key off. I just sat and listened to the radio another 10 minutes before killing the motor and going back to my room. I hopped in AIM hoping there was someone I could chat wiht for a minute before going to bed, but it was 5:30AM so I just uploaded the pictures in my camera and went to sleep. I was laying in bed and couldn't stop the switch in my brain from going between beautiful fun images from the bar and the walks and the horrible stuff that happened in the movie. All in all I drifted off to sleep with good memories of a night that moved me to really feel something. You don't get that everyday and I'm happy it happened.

Now to make this post even longer, I took a few stupid tests on quiz websites to pass the time today and here are the results:

Coding is messed up for both images, so you get the boring version:

Redneck test results: 55% redneck. You're just about as welcome up in town as a hair in a biscuit. Ain't no hidin' your redneck roots!

The next quiz was to see what John Huges character I'd be... I came out:

You are Ferris Bueller (from Ferris Bueller's Day Off)! You're a smooth talker and a resourceful, quick thinker, and you play by your own rules. Fortunately, you use such things for fun and not to hurt anyone else. God only knows what would happen if you crossed paths with Lisa from Weird Science

I talked with Katherine via IM on Friday and she clicked over to this mess of a blog for the first time. The first thing she said after reading for a while was that I sound a lot like Holden Caufield from Catcher in the Rye. I loved that book and it was a really nice thing to hear. I like to think I'm a good writter, so hearing myself compared to the writting style of one of the greatest authors ever was very very cool. [please note I described the compliment to my writting style as "very very cool."]


Tonight is slated to be a night out in Morristown with the boys. Pray for Mongo.

Friday, March 25, 2005

There will be no money... but on your death bed you will recieve total conciousness

I slept in today. I had nothing to wake up for. Nothing pressing me to get what I want to get done finished before an obligation. The markets are closed for Good Friday, so my office is closed. I feel 100% content right now. I haven't felt this good in as long as I can remember. It's like I have always had a weight on my shoulders that is now gone. I am simply here and that's all I want. I have plans to hang out with the LEG + Awesome Dan tomorrow. I'm looking forward to that. Also, my buddy AJ is coming home from hotrod school for a week, so I hope to have a beer or two with that crazy SOB too. I am trying to get myself something to do tonight, but I'm not really worried about it. If people are hanging out, I'll join, but I'm not in a planning mood. You know what? That's totally OK! I can say that I don't want to make plans and just tag along if I want! That must sound wierd to a lot of you, but I really haven't felt like that before.

So... I have been just enjoying my time today. I happened to run accross some great links that I will share here:

chewing gum = huge boobs? Ladies, the BBC says so:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/4361563.stm

Found a new site that gives collegehumor.com and ebaumsworld.com a run for their money:
http://www.skoopy.com

And finally, check out this dude's blog. He's an old miliary vet from the deep south with a penchant for using his metal detector. I check out his site a few times a day. Here's a link to my favorite of his posts so far. While you're there, check out the pic of his dogs with miliary hair cuts.
http://wordsofart.blogspot.com/2005/03/some-advice-for-you-young-studs-just.html#comments

I just made plans to go see a movie in Manhatten, so I gotta go clean myself (and my filthy ass truck) up as best as possible. This is the movie:
http://www.google.com/reviews?cid=b7169667456985d1&oi=showtimes&fq=The+Downfall

I was going to go get my new memory card for the ol' digicam today with my sister when she got home, but I'll push that back to tomorrow.

Transmission Complete

Thursday, March 24, 2005

I love the SEC, NASD, MSRB, and all their regulations!

I spent 8 hours reading page after page after page (125 to be exact) of straight rules and regulations surrounding the securities I will be trading one day. Holy shit! I ate 3 NRGs and drank enough coffee to give a horse an irregular heart beat and was still falling asleep at my desk trying to get through this stupid chapter. I dont' think anything so boring has every come accross my eyes... at least since I read wuthering heights... I hated that book. I thought I would enjoy the read because I do enjoy business law, but this is every single rule that has been put in place since 1933 and I was supposed to know them all well enough by the end of the day to take a 100 question multiple choice test and get an 85% or above. Allegidly I got an 83. Shhhhhh! I didn't take the test because there was no way I was going to forfeit 2 hours of time I could be studying to failing a test I wasn't ready for. It was just smart time management. I'll get some reading done this weekend and work on putting stuff down on flash cards so when I go in and actually take the test on monday I'll be ready. What makes this all so hard is the fact that these rules were all put in place to stop some of the craftiest mother fuckers in history from bamboozeling us silly investors.

Little history for dat ass:

For those of you that didn't know, J.P. Morgan is famous for being a bear raider. A bear raider convinces people to invest on margin in stocks, manipulates the market so they price goes to almost nothing, buys up a controlling share of the company, and covers the marginal investments with worthless stock. He basically was raping and pillaging the market until he was a very very rich man.

Because of wizenheimers like JPMorgan I have to sit and read 125 pages of dry, painful, annoying regulations and know the subtle differences between things like Regulation A and Regulation D. Not only do I have to know the differneces, but i have to be able to tell which one is responsible for what changes.

Ex. What regulation says broker dealers can't make a market in privately traded stocks?
A. Regulation A
B. Regulation D
C. Rule 144
D. Rule 144A

Ex. A customer wants to show his appreciation for a job well done he can:
I. Give a gift of $100 1 time
II. Give a gift of $1000 1 time
III. Only give a gift if it's approved by a principal
IV. Can give a gift at any time as long as it is appropriate under Rule ###

A. I only
B. II only
C. I and IV
D. II and III

I don't know the legality of posting real questions, so I just pulled them out of the ol' noggin. That is what I do for HOURS! It's hard and I don't like it, but I LOVE my job, and I'm happy with my life! The reason I don't like studying all day isnt' because I shake like I have parkinsons from the caffeine and still doze off from boredom, it's because Bill will come in and give me practice things to do and I'm not good at them yet, but I have to get through serious ammounts of information for the test and really am having a hard time figuring out how to do them both well.

I know nobody checks this page out during the week, so I'm posting for myself... thus the length recently. Suck it up!

Today Drufus introduced me to a very good site. I read it from cover to cover and I like the way this guy presents his information. The link is: http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html. I haven't decided if I should add it to my links bar or not. You can agree or disagree with this dude, but you can't say it's not entertaining to read.

I had a conversation with an 18 year old buddy of mine today. He told me he thought he was a failure. I tought back on what I've experienced in my life and told him the way I see it. There is no cutoff point in your life where you can say that if you haven't made an impact by "now" that you are a failure. Life is hard. You don't get anything just because you want it. You have to work, suffer, hurt, get crushed, fail, embarass yourself, and find your way. If someone tells you they have an easy life, laugh in their face. Nobody's exempt from being a human being. You could have all the money in the world, the best job, the best house, the best car, and a glaring dissapointment someplace else that won't go away. I know for a fact that no matter how good something's going there is something else going just as poorly. Where I find peace in my life is in the realization that no matter how bad things get, they all ballance out. If you can survive the horrible things happening to you now and all the while enjoy the things that are positives you will be happy. That old saying "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" is right, but it's not perfect. When you learn to deal with things that are bad, the next time something of equal "bad-ness" comes up you're ready for it. If you learn to remain happy in times of great suffering while not ignoring the pain but championing it, you will be ready for anything. I'm not saying to repress your feelings of hurt just because you want to be some tough guy. Believe me, I'd love to say that works, but it doesn't. When it hurts, it really hurts. When I cry, I really cry. I have no fear and no shame about the way I feel emotion. I am intense and passionate. I've learned to deal with disapointment and frustration by living times of epic dissapointment and epic frustration. I have posted at length about my ability to endure great ammounts of unpleasantness. I believe that is something I was born to do. I take on the trials of others because my skin is that little bit thicker. My back is that little bit stronger. I'll carry that cross when you are weary. I will hurt like you hurt, because that is how I show you I care. I will use my power to sustain myself against all odds because I'm fiercly dedicated and deadly loyal. Again, that doesn't mean I repress anything. I'd rather let it all pour out and learn to swim in a sea of my own tears than suck it in and let it rust my insides rotten. I just know that the next time, I'll be that much more prepared for what is to come. Basically, "What doesn't kill us prepares us to go on living our lives the next time something of equal or lesser significance comes up."

I'm off tomorrow, so I get to just play. I am in my first tight financial time now. I am not liking this whole "1 paycheck a month" thing. I am sure it will be much easier to plan out my monthly allowance when I'm bringing home 6 figures a month, but I need to just get used to the way it's going to be NOW. I had to put down $1,500 on my apartment and I need a new memory card for my camera. I think I'll do some online research and then go out and pick one up, but that means some other financial responsibilty has got to go for now. I will have to go over my finances again tomorrow before I decide what to do. As of now I can only take about a dozen photos before the memory is maxed out and I'm meeting up with Tom, Dave, and Awesome Dan on saturday for the first time since my VERY FIRST POST, so I want to have the freedom to just snap away. What good is an awesomeo 4000 camera with a piece of shit memory card?

Deutscher Teil des offensichtlich gestern Abend der Geschichte war in der Übersetzung verloren. Ich hoffe, daß dieses besser ausarbeitet. Ich versuche, die grundlegendste Grammatik zu verwenden, die ich kann. OH- Brunnen.

I liked that lil quote game. Here's another meatball down the center of the plate. I'm trying to warm up slowly to the idea.

Quote of the Day:

"What's with the knife? We havin cake or somethin?"

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Here's how my ride home looked

snowy march

Hey, what happened to Spring?

I took a great pic today, but Flickr (that was just bought out by Yahoo! this week... I'm not happy about it, but I hear the pro price is coming down, so I'll wait a week or two before getting too mad) is down for maintenence, so if it doesn't come back up soon I'll just post it tomorrow. The reason it's a great pic is because it's a shot of me sitting in traffic in the SNOW on March 23rd. What a joke. I hate almost-springtime snow. I absolutely love the winter because of my obsession with being cold, but snow in late march is depressing. Also, I know a friend of mine has a birthday today. It's either Kelly or Erika, but I can't rember which is the 23rd and which is the 27th and both would burn me for not knowing. Oh brunnen, Happy Birthday to you both. I'll post the same on the 27th just to cover all the bases.

So WTF is up with the snow? I was in traffic from 5PM until just about 9. I have been having a very clear new idea about life recently and this is a good place to introduce it. Life is the same for everyone. Everything that will ever happen to you has happend to billions of people before you and will continue to happen to billions of people who follow. Just as billions have had their hearts broken and lived, billions have driven in the fucking snow! Why the hell is it so hard? I know I have a 3/4 ton pickup with 4WD, but shit. It's not rocket science, just go slow and give a lot of space between you and the car in front of you and we'll all get home fine. There were a dozen accidents on 80W and I ended up topping out at a blinding 15mph the whole time. At least the snow looked cool.

I decided I wasn't going to pay any mind to the cold I'm getting, but it sucks. It's a combination of the first of spring allergies and sleeping on an air mattress in Drufus's house with the heat off. What I do know about myself is that I have a serious S&M problem when it comes to the cold. I sleep better the colder I am. I can be just about frozen and sleep like a baby, but then I get sick. Now I know sleeping with my windows open when it's 5 degrees out is not a good idea, but it just feels so good to be so cold.

My Mp3 collection has been rappidly upgrading. After a few talks with The Boston Strangler I realized I was deficient in some major categories. So, for the past week I've been hammering down every mp3 I can get from ozzie, black sabbath, zakk wylde, nirvana, rob zombie, white zombie, metalica, etc. I also highly recomend Great White's zeppelin covers. They are amazing.

I had a tough day at work today. It was good, but very hard. I had to give a sales presentation to my boss, who could be the single most intelligent and well spoken man I've ever met, he taped me giving it, and then made me listen to it in front of my TWO office mates. I'll get into THAT in a second. I did OK, but I made sure I said on the tape that I don't feel comfortable enough with the product I'm required to sell to adequetly sell it to someone who is very knowlegeable about finance (aka Bill). I listened to the tape again on the way home and I really wasn't awful like I had expected, but it wasn't fantastic. You could tell I was nervous and that I really didn't know everything I needed to. Bill knows exactly what will crush a presentation and did everything in his power to make it as difficult as possible. I was so mad at myself when he left that the word "fuck" was omnipresent. I couldn't believe I did so much work on that stupid presentation and then got BLOWN UP. It is good for me to learn, but I want so badly to be good at this and it's so hard to get there. I know I am not going to wake up one morning and be Bill, but damnit, I'm trying.

Now, for those of you keeping score at home, I said I have TWO other guys in my office. A 3rd new guy was moved in on monday and I don't like him one bit. His name is Joe G2 and he's cocky and arrogant with your typical used car salesman delivery. While I was being blown up by Bill he actually challenged Bill on something he said and then tried to explain why what he has invested in makes more sense than what Bill was saying. Bill killed him, and moved on, but WTF? That guy's got balls. First of all, I like to help. I want him to do well, but every chance he gets he interjects his ideas like they are fact and he's only been here 3 days. He is on the first chapter of the book and is trying to jump in on conversations Helder and I are having about stuff on the last 2 chapters that he knows nothign about. He's slowing us down because after he tries to join in we have to explain to him how he doesn't know shit and that in itself is a distraction. I'm sure once he's deeper into his studies and realizes that investing in index funds for a few years doesn't make you Albert Galletin he'll be allright, but for now, he's not on my Christmas card list.

I've started playing a new game. If you haven't noticed (I know I've only had a couple of visitors in the past 24 hours... you guys are killing me) I've added google adsense to the page. I don't expect to make a dime and that isn't why I put it up. The reason I put the ad here is two fold. The first reason is because by putting up a google ad I'm basically guaranteed to be crawled by google and added to their search engine. That should bring some random fools to this page to be disguisted by my whining and complaining. Search engines are fun because I can tell what people searched to get here. Since I put the tracker up I've only had a handful of people search their way here. One was looking for "Silvertown Joe Dirt" and the other was looking for "Qudoba job application." Not exactly topical hits, but any publicity is good publicity. I'm hoping that this adsense gets me some people who are actually interested in reading my crummy story. The second fun part about google adsense is the fact that it spits out adds it believes are relevant to what's on the page. So far it's come up with dating services and zakk wylde merchandise. I have been refreshing the page over and over to see what google thinks my recent life story is about. Seriously, I know you guys see those stupid links everywhere, and I did a poor job putting the box on the site so it looks like it belongs, but it really is funny to see what pops up as relevant. Give it a try!

T-Minus 8 Days till Boston. I'm so pumped to get up there. Every single time we hang out it's a great time. I dont' think we've struck out once in the 2 years I've known those guys. I just hope all the puss in boots that have to travel get there. Again, you guys know who you are. We're meeting in Boston at Cpt. Knowpantz's house on friday. Locations may change, but that is the plan right now. Get in touch with Pete for more details.

To all my NJ killers,
I am going to be a better friend. I have said this before, but holy shit, I'm coming back to Mo County! I can't wait to be back hanging out with the PMFs hitting Wobbly Hs all over this mofo. Be ready! Life After Death Tour '05 is well under way. Check you listings for a show near you.

While I'm on the subject, my plans are as follows:

Thursday night: Hopefully hitting the Black River Barn for a good ol' Roxbury time
Friday night: Open
Saturday Night: Mo Town with the LEG and Awesome Dan.

Next Friday, Saturday, Sunday: BOSTON!

2 weeks from Friday: If Graef drops a pair I'll be at MU duckwalking with my chest out like I own the place. If not, I'm going to hit 3 Mile Island with Brad to meet up with a buddy of mine with a job out there.

Anyone who reads this and wants to hang out, just give me a call. These should all be good times to be had by all. Much drinking and merriment.

Und was würde ein guter Pfosten ohne einige Linien des Deutschen sein? Dieses ist Spaß! Sie verbessern Unterhalt überprüfend, also bin ich nicht gerechtes Abstreifen aus Deutschem zu einem Bündel Dummköpfen, die keinen Anhaltspunkt warum haben.

and I leave you with this:

"Tonight I'm going to dream about puppet shows and candy canes" -(lets see if anyone knows the reference)

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

SDMF

I have found my first tattoo. At least a piece of it. It's going to have SDMF incorporated. I want to go with malteese cross with SDMF around it, but I haven't decided. I know malteese cross, and I know SDMF, but how that's going to work is anyone's guess. I am going to get my tattoo before the summer, but a bunch of my friends want to do it together, so I might wait for them. Basically I need to get paid a couple more times and have someone there to encourage my impulse decisions [see camera].

Work was good today. I tested out of another chapter with an 86%. Good enough for my backyard. I had my first marketing plan meeting today. I had some good ideas, but Bill has a way of breaking me down when I think I'm onto something. He's one of the smartest people I've ever met, super well spoken, and has all the experience you can get in the world of finance. If there is one thing he understands, it's how to deal with people. He can make me feel great about something I've done or destroy me for a bad test score without ever changing the tone of his voice. It's amazing because he can cut you to the center and never lose a smile or make it obvious he's doing it. Then after he's done talking you think for a second and realize he just shit on you and that you better pick it up. I really like having him as a boss and believe this job is going to be amazing. I've also learned that part of my job is going to the bar on a regular basis to "network." That isn't even a joke. According to many brokers, FCs that are really good at what they do spend almost every night at the bar meeting people. Doesn't sound like too much of a haslte. This job is basically becoming a fixture in your community that people trust and respect. I like being trusted and respected. It's on. I just can't wait to beat this stupid test's ass and get out to St. Louis. When I come back from my first week of training I'm born again.

so I feel like this:
born again

And expect a whole lot a this:
frank the tank

For all of you fucking psycopaths with connections to the Boston-FU conglomerate, we are meeting up a week from friday in boston. Capt. Knopantz is off for the weekend and ready to break in the new boat. I'll be up, I hear BBB, bobby, Hot Carl, and the rest of the gang are being contacted as we speak. If you havent' heard anything yet, plan on it. You'll be hearing soon. For any details, just get in touch with Pete.

I have been downloading every song I can get invovling Zakk Wylde, Ozzie, Guns and Roses, Nirvana, and Metalica today. I am becoming re-obsessed with music. I guess old habbits die hard. I have switched my favorite song again. It's Zakk Wylde - Way Beyond Empty. If you own speakers and have properly functioning ears, you MUST get that song. It's easily the best song I've heard in 5 years.

um diesen Pfosten zu beenden, füge ich diesen kleinen Punkt für die eine Person hinzu, die ich weiß wem Deutsches spricht. Danke für Sein mein Freund.

later

Monday, March 21, 2005

Ich verringerte die Kühe in auffangen auf Asche mit einer gestohlenen Kernvorrichtung

For those of you who don't speak german (that's everyone but you, silly) the title of this post is "I reduced the cows in the field to ashes with a stolen nuclear device." Why would I call a post that? Because it's the first time I've really laughed without restraint and not felt guilty.

I needed this weekend so badly.

I know The Boston Strangler (aka Cpt. KnoPantz) will be pissed I didn't title this post appropriatly, but I am all over the place. This week has a strange significance in my life. 2 years ago I met a group of guys that went from random FU guys in Panama City to My closest group of friends. I know for a fact that there are a half dozen psycopaths I'd step in front of a bullet for and I know they'd do the same. In honor of the times in Panama City I was instructed to give a brief recount of the things that made spring break 1903 the best ever.

Beach Linebacker
Balkakke
Ninja Van
Sunglasses (who loves ya?)
Where've you been all my life?
Stuntman Tequilla Shot (with zero reaction)
Lemon drops with salt
$115 bucks worth of shots for 3 people in 10 minutes
beer hunter
tongue jack a shit box
What color is the sky? Do you like chicks? Do you belive in our lord and savior Jesus Christ?
"The walk down the beach"
Natural Ice suitcases
Pied Piper (of dudes)
Bobby hissing at the sun
NJ Sucker Punch off the bumper of my truck
Escaroe services
Think dead puppies
I got a little dick but I'm rich (aka my dick is tiny, but I got a shit load of money)
guys like me. I'm a guy like me.
you like stuff? I like stuff.
If by stuff, you mean sex... OUCH, IRON!
Brockman vs Mihalic and 4 townships worth of cops
2 voicemails: "help...." and "[insert ocean sounds here]"
Getting stuck in a chain link fence and passing out like a dead man stuck in barb wire
and the upper decker... just don't drop the lid



I know that's a crappy way to commemerate the aniversary of Balkakke, but I know the pirate's code of the sea, and it says that if I don't have time to go into every single one, don't half ass it. Just let the words speak for themselves.

I wonder what it is about march that makes my life change? It has been the best of times and it's been the worst times ever. All I know is that I'll never forget this march.

Realization of the day: It's all going to be OK.

Oh, and I have added a new song to my favorites, The Rolling Stones - Don't stop

OH- Brunnen, see you guys tomorrow.

1 week?

back to the future
OK, I can see the future. The future is good. I can do this. I will always remember the goodtimes, but fuck the bad times. I have a family that loves me. My friends are fantastic. I shouldnt' still be up with my alarm set for 5am, but I had to come on here and post that I had a fantastic weekend. I met some really cool people, got drunk but remember every second of the night, didn't make a fool of myself, and really just let go of everything for a while. I hope the feelings I have now for my new life stick because I feel like a new man. I'm not healed. I don't want to give the impression that my heart is a yo-yo, but I was lost and now I'm found. I may still have pain, but I can see that I don't have to be alone. I can go out. I can see friends. I can have a great time. Again, back to the death thing, when someone dies, what do all your friends say? "if [insert name here] was here I know he/she would want you to enjoy yourself." Even though it's going to be hard. I'm going to do it.

I am going to sign up for flickr premium and start posting tons and tons of pics there with only the on topic ones here. You can see the thumbs at the right anyways. Why the new pics? This is why:
http://reviews.cnet.com/Sony_Cyber_Shot_DSC-T33/4505-6501_7-31292845.html
The Old Isaac came out and made a serious impulse buy today. After I saw all the awesome pics from last night I couldn't believe I was letting myself go so long without a new camera. My old one I liked got wet when I was 4wheeling and the replacement they sent was garbage. Now I have (in my humble opinion) the best God damn camera for me. Expect lots of boring average pictures... like these from Drufus:

BEARFACE 2005! (meredith) 049




I'm off to sleep.

Saturday, March 19, 2005

D+6

I'm getting tired of these "Dday" references. It makes me realize how long each day feels. I am getting more and more willing to go to FU tonight, but I am also realizing how old I am because there are things like "sleeping arraingments" being considered in my head. I don't think anything that has been making me want to just sit at my stupid computer and zone out to EQ for the next 48 hours is legit. It's all just flack to try and get me to stay home. The drive would be good for me, the booze would be good for me, the fun would be good for me. The only problem is that I"ve been drunk in that house (my old house) and broken down in tears enough times to know that if I black out tonight, there will be stories of me freaking out and crying tomorrow. That is my one real fear.

I know I'm a constant downer, and you guys make me feel so good that I've decided to put up a new link I find entertaining and look through my computer for some funny pictures so that you can click on over to me and actually have something fun for you.

The first new link is www.ebolamonkeyman.com. The site is dedicated to messing with nigerian scam artists. If that isn't enough description for you to check it out, you'll never get it.

The second link is www.massiverooster.com. This is my cousin Russ's Movie troop.

I'm crawling my computer now...................

doh, nothing I feel like posting besides these few. I thought there was more fun stuff for you guys, but I'm tapped out:

JJandMRT
This is my Buddy JJ rockin out with Mr.T
JJandyankee
If you didn't go to FU, this pic means nothing. If you did, it needs no explanation
35180350597_468_1
This is my goldfish, Mao, from this summer when his tank looked very different. I thought he was going to die on Sunday night but by the grace of God and by my knowledge and diligence he's well on the road to recovery.
TEMP_Dodge_SRT10
This is another shot of the amazing SRT10
hartman_cowboy1
This is Gunnery Sargent Hartman. I've encluded this last picture because recently I've found myself enjoying listening to a playlist I have created. It's all just clips of him flipping the fuck out in the movie Full Metal Jacket. I don't know why I feel good with him screaming in the background while I type or read or whatnot, but I've listened to that playlist just about every day.

I have to mention that my cousin Russ called me this morning. He really cared about what was going on and I felt close to him for the first time in a while. I know we're all family, but we all have our own lives and we all have our own problems. I'm happy that he took the time out of his day to see how I was doing.

Fading back into obscurity...

Friday, March 18, 2005

D+5 aka Friday night alone

I've gone from not wanting anyone to know anything they can't see to needing to talk to everyone. Brooke called me today. I told Rosie about what happened via email and I'm sure that all my old friends/employees all know what I'm going through. I am not their boss anymore. I never felt like a boss because I liked them all like friends. Brooke caught hell. She called to say hello and got read the riot act about relationships, my life, beth, and why I don't know if I'll ever trust anyone ever again. I totally destroyed blindsided her with more information and more feeling than I ever intended to. It felt good to talk to a friend without a cock and tell her what I feel about relationships. I hope I didn't make her too late for class. It definately made my ride home interesting.

Well, I'm alone. I didn't want to go out tonight so I could just feast on sorrow tonight and really feel like shit. It's my version of being a cutter. I knew that I had options tonight. Many people have told me if I want to get out of my house they'll make it happen, but I need to just sit and rot. It's working. I feel like I'm drowning in slime and pain.

I couldn't sleep last night because I just could not stop thinking about all the people that beth knows and how poorly I'd treated them. I always figured her friends would end up my friends in time and because I was blinded by my heart I felt like I had as long as it would take to warm them up to me and vice versa. I never imagined that I would run out of time because I planned on spending the rest of my life with beth. I kept telling myself, "ah, I don't have to be social this time... next time." Now there is no next time. I found myself at my keyboard at 2am writting an email to one of her friends just to say I'm sorry for being such a tool. Even though their acceptance or hatred really won't change my life now, I just want them all to know that I don't have anything againt them and that I don't want to be remembered as the asshole.

I haven't decided, but drufus invited me up to hang out at FU tomorrow. I might have to go. I don't really want to, but I can't sit alone for another day with my thoughts.

Thursday, March 17, 2005

D+4

I laughed today. I didn't want to. It didn't feel right, but I was listening to opie and anthony on my way to work and I laughed. I tried to stop myself because I knew I'd feel gross afterwards, but I couldn't. I laughed and I laughed and I laughed. I couldn't stop. I don't even think it was that funny but I couldn't stop. Then I started feeling tears on my cheeks but I was still laughing. It wasn't cool.

I did very good today. The women assistants at my office can tell I'm not OK and they have been reaching out to get to know me this week... of all weeks. I blatently blew them off on tuesday and wednesday. Today, I talked for a minute. I was able to just chill and be friendly again. I didn't want to, but I did anyway. It doesn't feel nice to be nice or to enjoy anything. I did better emotionally today, but I couldn't study. I kept thinking about her. It was more me trying to study and then hitting a word that reminded me of something and then flipping the page and realizing I didn't know what was on the past 2 pages. I kept the blinds closed today because every time I've looked out my window I've wanted to just break down. I forced myself to talk to people. Scott and Brian M know what's going on now too. I was proud of my answer to brian. He asked if I was feeling better from calling out sick and I just told him, "My girl left me on sunday. I'd been with her for 5 years. I didn't want to announce it because I didn't think it was OK to miss work, and I knew that anyone that should know would ask me." I think it made him feel good to know I'd tell him.

I got out of my truck and went inside to find I'd left my phone in the truck. I went back out and I looked up. The sky was clear, the stars were out, and I could see Orion staring back down at me. Directly to the right of his belt is Beth's star. Orion has been my favorite thing in the sky since I was born and now I can't even look up at the stars without feeling like shit. I remember being a kid and running outside evey night to see if I could see Orion's Belt. My dad pointing it out to me is still one of my favorite memories of childhood. Now I can't even enjoy that.

All I have been doing is working and thinking about her. I refuse to come on here and post the same shit every day, so I'm going to keep it short: I am an empty souless drifter right now and I've done nothing with myself.

Goodbye
It's all been said. I miss her, but she's gone.

I ate lunch today. It was getting dangerous to drive because I was feeling lightheaded and was having a bit of trouble keeping the truck in the lines. I want to suffer, but I'm not about to put anyone else in danger. I made it 4.5 days without a bite to eat. Irony?

I love my friends. They all are the best people ever. I spoke with Awesome Dan on sunday and he was awesome at giving awesome advice like usual. Brad, The Boston Strangler, Drufus, JJ, Hot Carl, Strada Bones, Wolverine, Mp5, Zake, Erolv, Relorie, everyone. You guys rock.

I finally talked with my mom about what happened. She knew allready by my actions, but I talked to her for real tonight. She was crying but did a hell of a job holding it back enough to almost get away with it if I didn't know her. I hate making other people hurt. I know this is my cross to bear. I am not the first nor the last that will go through this and I expect no extra sympathy.

I gave her the world and I got a broken heart. How many country singers have to write the same song before we all realize that it happens to everyone?

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

D+2

Here we are again. I never felt like I had enough time to do the things I wanted to do. Now I can't make the time go away. Time is such a mother fucker. Everyone deals with it the same. Getting older is like dieing. You deny it, you get angry, etc etc. Same with any situation. I've buried friends and family without feeling like this. The guy who was my childhood idol, the guy who taught me how to throw a football, and box, and tackle, and make my bike sound like a motorcycle, how to take a jump on my bike, and who always made me feel like it was a blessing to be so big instead of feeling like a freak because of it died when I was in 3rd grade. He was in high school and got into a car accident going to get pizza. No foul play. No booze. No drugs. He's dead because of a true accident. I had to go to counciling for about a year with my friends from the block and by myself. I was able to let him go because it was just his time. I know it sounds awful to be more broken up over a chick than the closest thing I ever had to an older brother's death, but holy shit. I feel like she's dead to me. The second we stop communicating she is no longer on the same plane of reality as me. I'll never run into her, I'll never see her, I'll never hear from her, I'll never know how she's doing. That is a good thing in a way, but it's like mourning my "older brother" again but the reason she's gone is me. I did it. It's my fault. I am not able to be the man she needs and that hurts me. It is like I killed her.

So back to time. I know it's the only solution. I've been hurt before both physically and mentally and needed time to fix the wounds. I've loved before and had to let it go, so I know what she's doing. The difference here is that I didn't know I was failing. I think Kelly and Meghan both knew the time was coming. I was ear holed big time. Not only with the actual breakup, but with the realization that I am not what she wants. That's all I wanted to be and I couldn't do it. I had 5 years and I failed. That is what's so hard. It's like restoring a car. If you end up working on it for 10 years it's cool because you know in the end you are going to have a hotrod that will shake the earth. Now after you've put 10 years into it you realize that everything you've done is wrong and the car will never run. Now all that time, money, effort, blood, sweat, and tears are for nothing. How does that feel? You have a hunk of shit in your driveway on blocks with 20k of repairs only to sit there and make a fancy paperweight. I am that hunk of shit. At least that is how I feel. Everything is gone.

I held it together pretty well at work today. Helder knew what was up. I didn't talk to anyone for hours. Then we had a meeting with the cheif investment officer from some investment firm and afterwards I sat down and just looked at the floor and said, "Helder, she left me." "I know." "I'm not OK." "I know." That was it. He knew from a 10 second message about sunday being the worst day of my life and from all the times I've talked to him about beth that there was only one thing that would make me like that. I was cool all day until I got up and looked out the window. I can see my new apartment from my office (the building, not my actual place) and it just so happened that a train was going east right by the building. That would have been the train I would take to see beth. I was so close. I didn't cry today until I got home and my mom hugged me and told me it's all going to be ok. I don't think she noticed, but she knows I am hurting.

I had a little miracle today. Mao is looking better. All the hours of research into things like fish ilnesses and disease that I really hated to read might have finally saved a life. Poor Mao and Frank are still sick, but he was just floating on the top 2 days ago. He survived and is swimming normally again. Now I just have to clear up his sickness for good. God works in ways I will never understand, but He let me have Mao in my life for another day and I thank him for that.

The last thing I ate was on sunday around noon. I am finding it fun to make an endurance test out of my suffering. It's like breakup survivor. I will see how long I can make my body hurt before I forget about beth for a second and eat something. My goal was one week, but I think I will ahve to get back to food before this weekend because I'm going to drink myself blind. It is liberating. I feel like I'm winning against something that is outside of the normal realm of human existance. I have defined my life through pain and this is my way of cleansing myself from the worst hurt I've ever felt. The only thing I've noticed different now that I'm empty is that I get cold. I was cold today in my office and it felt good until I realized that I"m never cold. I will prove to myself that my own will is stronger than my body and that I can defeat it. If I can survive without food, then I can make it through this. This is my forest gump esk run accross the country without all the pesky running. I should have weighed myself before and after, but I didn't really plan on this until i was doubled over throwing up thinking about beth. I couldn't even think about food on sunday and yesterday was just as bad. Today I wanted to eat, and we had a real nice lunch paid for by the wholesalers that came in and I didn't have a bite of it. It made me feel strong. I have run until I couldn't see. I've blocked the stupid sled until I was dizzy. I've lifted more weight than most floor jacks can hold. I can defeat my own desires. When I've reached a point where I am satisfied with my pain than I will end it. That is why it's so appealing to me. When I've hit so low that I can't function I can make it all stop.

This pain will not go away any faster or slower no matter what I do. I am a broken man and all I want is my life back. It's gone. I am nothing anymore. I want to destroy myself and see how deep the rabbit hole goes. Once I smack the bottom I'll be ready. For what? I don't know. Nobody could ever tell me, but it's out there. My life. I have to kill the old Isaac and move on to a stronger one. I will do this. I dont' know how.

Monday, March 14, 2005

D+1

I have sat in silence for the entirety of this day. I have just thought for hours about what is happening to me. I feel empty and alone. I have done nothing but sit and think. I coudln't make it to work today. I wasn't able to sleep at all last night. I saw the sun come up and knew that going to work wasn't going to happen.

But then I realized something. There's nothing I can do. I'm 100% helpless. I can't avoid anything or do anything that will help me. I have to just suffer. I have to just let this awful feeling of self loathing and blame and guilt and hate just sit on me and crush me until it's done and then maybe it will get better. I don't know how much longer I can feel like this and still make it through. Today was worse than yesterday. Today was the day that I realized how long I'm going to hurt, how much I'm going to miss her, and how long I'm going to second guess myself. Someone commented without posting a name saying introspection works. I have been thinking about that for a long time. When it's something like this I can't tell what went wrong. I try to see myself as the problem, but all I see is myself working hard to make this work. I don't see things her way.

She has a long running hangup on the fear that someone will all of a sudden walk out on her life and say that he doesn't love her anymore when everything seems ok. Now she's done that to me. I always would tell her that I didn't believe that was a legitimate fear because it doesn't happen as much as she thinks. Then she showed me it does. She walked out on me just like why she was afraid of people walking out on her. You're right, Beth. It sucks. And now I'm afraid. Now I'm alone. I have been thinking about all these types of things. Trying to find out why now. Why like this. Was she doing this now to protect herself? Is she seeing someone else and I don't know? Is she just a product of the relationship experiences she's had in her life? Am I just that worthless that she can do this? I don't know. Something is up that I'm sure I'll hear about in the future, but everyone's being tight lipped about it now. Well, Beth, you're right. It's scary to think someone you love could walk out on your life when you least expect it and leave you there vulnerable, scared, and alone. It does. I understand why you were afraid of commitment now. It all makes sense.

I've decided to stop eating. I will wait until the physical pain outgrows the pain in my heart before I eat again. I need something to make this go away and I know I am good at suffering. I can't live like this, but at least I can suffer about something I can change. I don't think I'll ever feel good about myself again. I'm dead to me.