No Idea what to call this post

A few things have happened since my last real post. A great friend of mine got ahold of me and said a few brief lines of text that have changed me:

I read your blog. I don't want to come off wrong, but get out of sales. Just get out of sales.

It was obvious to everyone but me. He continued:

You're a sensative guy and I know your pride isn't going to let you quit, but just find something else.

He's right. Thank you Hot Carl.


So, I've decided to give up on sales. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I've decided that I want to get back into teaching and coaching, but there's a problem... I'm not certified to teach. There is a summer program which is a few months going full time that gives you a legit teaching certificate... but they require a 2.75 undergrad GPA and I have a 2.7. So I can't do that either. I can get in alternate route if I can find a school that will take me because I graduated before the GPA was moved from 2.5 to 2.75, but it's almost impossible to find that kind of setup. I could teach at a charter or private school, but they pay around 20k a year which wouldn't cover the bills (AND I'd have to find a school that would take me.... AND a school that would 'sponsor' me through alternate route). I could go back to school and get my masters... but I'm broke. I could go back to school for a post baccalauriate (no idea how to spell it) degree, but there are only a few schools that have it, it's a 1.5 year program, and I'm broke.

So those are my options to teach. I'm trying, but I just don't care about anything anymore. It's going to be so hard and I don't know if I have the guts to get it done anymore.

So, I've signed up for bartending school. I've picked a firm that guarantees placement in your area, and that's what I'm going to do. Tend bar. I told you I've given up... well there it is. I should use my fucking Fairfield University diploma to catch the overflow from the beer taps.

And to those of you keeping score at home, like I said shortly before, the best friend I've ever had is moving to California. The one person I've always counted on for everything from helping me move, to a place to talk when I was down, to kicking around a junk yard in the 100 degree heat, to getting lost in the woods with, to doing stupid shit like trying to teach ourselves to weld, to everything that I could ever imagine out of a friend is gone. When I was with my ex and I was sure she was going to be forever, him and I were drinking in my living room and I told him "If her and I are still together a year from now I'm going to ask her to marry me. The reason I'm telling you this is because I want you to be my best man."

Now I don't have the girl or the best friend. I truely am alone.

I don't know if you read this, man... but I'm going to miss you.

HOLY SHIT!

Yay!

The best friend I've ever had is moving to California... 100% of the way across the country to take a new job.

Add one more thing to the list of reasons why I'm so fucking depressed.

Little Wins

Sometimes, it's the little things that nobody has any control over that make me feel wondeful. Tonight, it's the rain. It's pouring like the end of the world right now and it sounds so beautiful. The smells of spring time are back. The air is thick, cold, and pure. I've said it a million times, but the world feels so much smaller and comfy when it's raining. It's something nice to think about, listen to, and experience that focuses our conscious on the things in our own little world instead of worrying about the big picture.


There are only two things that absolutely melt me to the core... heavy rain, and warm summer twilights.

I wouldn't give up the sounds and smells of tonight for anything in the world.


Thank you for the rain.

I know so few people who love the rain like I do. When I've had a hard day/week/month it's hard not to think for a second the rain is just for me.

Postsecret Favorite of The Week 2

Not a real strong week if you ask me.

My connection with this is when it gets real quiet in a conversation that's not going well I always get a very strong urge to just unload on the other party with a furious haymaker. It's not when they are talking, it's when there's a long quiet pause I just want to break the silence with a right hook.

I also feel that way when I'm in stuffy situations. When I was in StL for training and a bunch of wannabe swingin dicks were hanging around comparing bank accounts and high net worth connections I got the old "hey, let's knock someone out" devil on the one shoulder.

Thankfully, I'm not some ape who would do it. Afterwards I feel silly for having wanted to hit someone, but later I can picture it in cartoon form (for those of you who are new, every idea/thought/plan/memory I have looks like an old warner bros cartoon in my brain... go figure) and laugh about some dude in a fancy suit talking about all his lawyer friends one second and counting the ceiling tiles the next.

I do bet it would feel good to just thrash a nice quiet store with neatly stocked shelves just once...

Rejection

I've had it, and I quit. I have one goal in life right now: earn 40k a year. I don't care what I'm doing. I don't care if it's dead end and horseshit work. I don't care if it means I'm a failure in life and shouldn't have gone to college. I don't care anymore. I've given up.

World, you win... you've broken me. I'm done. I just need to make enough money to stay where I'm at and put some money in the bank. Is that so much to ask for? I have a great college degree and great real world experience. The biggest salary I've been offered has been 30k which leave exactly $400 a month for food, gas, going out, misc expenses, etc. It's not enough.

I'm going to go on record right here, right now, and admit that I've lost. I've failed. I'm not good at shit and everything that could possibly fall my way has not. In fact, even sure things and great leads and gimmie situations have found their way to shit faster than I can even absorb all the shitty goodness.

I get an interview for a job that offers more than 30k with the POSSIBILITY of one day earning 40k and it will go well. If it involves one dollar more something fucked up will happen and I'll blow it. Yesterday I got lost going to a good job interview and didn't think to bring the number of the woman I was interviewing with. She turned out to be one cold piece of shit and send me packing only to return at some ungodly hour later on only after she shit on me a bit. Fuck... I hate this life. I hate what I've built for myself.

I have built this empire of shit and there's nothing left to do but just sink in and let myself fester in it. Unemployment B A R E L Y pays the bills... I'm talking let one slide a month and then let a different one slide the next month close.

It's only my fault. I just don't care about anything anymore. I have no passion, no direction, no knowledge of the world, and nowhere to turn. I haven't seen my friends in months and my best friend moved away. There hasn't been one good piece of news about anything in almost 2 years.

I seriously just wonder if I'm going to make it. I don't know how I will. It's starting to feel like my whole life I've been climbing a ladder, but after I climbed through education, professional athletics, and several careers I've realized that I didn't prop my ladder on the right wall and the only thing left to do is fall. Only problem is I don't know where is down from here.

I wonder sometimes when I see homeless people how they got there. It's starting to become more and more clear.

I titled this post rejection because that's all I get. I can't deal with it anymore. I feel like I've been cursed. Ever since one lifechanging day, everyone and everything I've wanted to do one thing has done the other and thrown it right in my face.

I have nothing left to offer. I can't stay positive when it's blatantly obvious that nobody finds anything I have to offer to have any worth whatsoever. Jobs, girls, clients, etc... I've failed on all fronts.

The main reason I wanted to adopt a cat was to have someone that counted on me. To have a living breathing friend who looked to me for something who I could satisfy and enjoy their company. They've been a life saver.

I've lost everything that means anything to me. I gave up the one thing I've ever been good at for someone more important to me and I lost them both. From there's it's been one rejection after another. I'm seriously so fed up with rejection that I can't even take simple stuff. Even hearing things like "we can only offer you..." throws me into a depression that I can't snap out of for days. I'm losing my mind and I have noone to talk to.

I just want everyone to know that I've given up and I don't care anymore. That's why I'm never around, that's why I don't talk to anyone, that's why I suck. I've lost all passion for everything in my life.