Friday, December 31, 2004

Probably my last December post

I have nothing to say, but I felt like December needed one more post. Tomorrow I'm going up to Boston to party like a pirate for the new year. I'm excited, but know for a fact every new years has sucked since I can remember, so I'm not setting my sights too high for this one.

I spent last night on the couch watching movies and eating Qudoba burritos with Beth. It was such a great night and just felt so good. Then I woke up and just layed in bed with her for a few hours, got up, and went home to take care of the store. I did have to stop in, even though I didn't want to, but then I lost track of time and ended up not going. That is how I planned today, I didn't want to work and wasn't going to, but Joe G refuses to realize I have a life and was demanding I go in so I actually was going to until I got swept into what I was doing and forgot.

Speaking of, I fell off the wagon and am back playing Everquest again. I did a good job dropping that game cold turkey, but now I'm back at it again. I have a friend from xbox live, Dubya, who wanted to try it and now that he's hooked I'm running around Norath helping him in his quests. Back to the ol' grind. I enjoy it so much, but it feels so wrong. Whatever.

I'm tired as shit becasue I didn't eat any pills today. I think I'll go lay in bed and not sleep for a few hours now. Oh, on a related note, sleep apnea killed Reggie White and all my friends have been calling me up and ordering me to see a doctor (or making fun of me, one or the other). I guess if it can kill the greatest Dlineman of all time, it can fuck me up too. I am going to make an appointment with a doctor as soon as my benefits kick in.

Goodbye, reader, and goodbye December.

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Mmmmm... Pills

BrandNew014
Ah, Zantrex. I looooove eating pills.

I take these stupid pills because they make me feel really good durning the day. They are for weight loss and energy. I don't want to lose a pound, but I have very bad sleep apnea and have not had an average night's sleep in 15 years. I can sleep for 20 hours and not even be close to being rested. As soon as I get signed up for benefits I'm having it taken care of, but until then, sleep apnea pwns me. So I eat pills. I might as well be blowing lines with MARK MARK MARK! I think these little blue pills are the best on the market, but I still can't figure out why taking 2 in the morning one day makes me feel like a million bucks, and why taking 2 the next morning makes my face flushed and my head spin all day to the point where I can't focus on sales, sit still, talk to people effectively, stop myself from being distracted, etc. Today is one of those days. I can feel the blood pulsating in my face and I can't sit still. All I need now is to start grinding my teeth and sniffing.

Even though there are days like today when I feel like my face is going to explode, pills are my only defense against being tired for the rest of my life. Try this on for size: Go to bed and have a good night's rest, but have someone hold your nose every minute or so until you just about wake up and then let you breath again. Repeat repeat repeat. Every time the sleeper gets relaxed, cut off the air, but don't wake them up. Now when they wake up for the next day explain nothing to them. Let them just wonder why they're tired for the next decade. Hi! This is how I live!

So what do I do? I eat pills, lots of em. When I get tired, BANG Zantrex! So I eat Zs instead of catching them.

So here's a typical day: I wake up at 11 AM and start getting ready for work. I take care of the 3 S's. I get dressed. I pop a couple Zantrex. Go to work. Work for a while, get tired again, pop some more Zs. Then I get so fucking wired that I can't sit still. Even after my self medication I don't really wake up until around 7:30 PM. Now that it's 7:30 and I've taken dose #2 I feel fantastic... the only problem is that I will feel fantastic now until about 5 AM. Then I will lay in bed with my eyes wide open for another hour before I finally fall asleep. Wake up at 11, repeat. I kinda want to live a normal business hours life, but I get patterned real quickly. Now I'm staying up late, waking up late.

Smiggz just stopped by. I let him know I really liked his CD. I was hoping he'd stop by again. I rememberd a few lines from his CD so I commented about them so he'd know I listened to it. I don't think he believed me until I said, "expect you to miss like shaq at the line." Then he lit up and realized that I actually DID hear the whole thing. Good luck to you, Smiggz.

OK, the night is moving on by now and soon I'll be home. I met a really nice woman from Alabama. She really liked what I had to say, but she needed to talk to her husband first. Hopefully she'll transfer her 4 verizon phones to us and then get one for her daughter. That is how new wave Isaac makes sales. Spread the word! Tell people what you're all about and then get them to refer everyone they know. Mwa haha! Oh well, I'm going back to work.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

Good happy day!

Wasn't happy to be at the mall today, but I made two sales. I also was alone all day so I didn't have to be social when there were no customers. I just got a lot of internet research done. You may ask, "What is he researching???" Whatever the fuck I want to research! Get off my nuts.

I got an IM from Drufus today that said, "I read your blog and it made me want to drive down there and shoot you in the face and then shoot myself it was so depressing." My bad. I enjoyed myself today. I would have rather been home curled up under a blanket with Beth watching A Christmas Story over and over, but if it wasn't for my job I wouldn't have a job. Sounds wierd, but that is the only way I can process it. If I didn't have my job, I'd have no immediate obligations to attend to. Sure, I'd love to see Beth more and work out more, but I could blow off those things if I wanted to. I must show up at work every day and it keeps me from locking myself in all the time.

The long hours are officially over! Thank you God for only being born once a year!

Joe G called me this afternoon and asked how things were going at the mall, I said they were going. He told me he was about to play Halo 2 with a buddy of his and wanted to know if I had any tips. I didn't, but as soon as I hung up the phone I had the perfect one: Don't get a job that works 7 days a week so you can actually get good at a game.

I have a couple pics I'd like to throw in, so here they are. I will also throw a link to my EQ guild's website if I feel motivated after posting this. I am happy today. Even if only happiness by lack of depression, but I feel pretty good today.

treeXmas
my tree with freshly opened gifts underneath.

bradswrappedgift
This is Brad's gift still in the wrapping paper. I was very dissapointed because the bow fell off before I gave it to him.

I was going to end with Brad's gift, but I found a picture of myself on the internet and had to share it too.
axlepress
Finding pics of myself on the internet that don't involve The Roman War Helmet is awesomeo 4000!

Friday, December 24, 2004

Merry Christmas Eve!

tree
Seeing as it's christmas eve, here is my tree going up.

I didn't go to the show. I was afraid to go alone. I wasn't afraid for my welbeing, I was afraid I'd get lost and then show up late and then look like such a loser sitting alone or with a group of people I would hate or whatever. Too many variables that I was not prepared for. I bet Jim was great.

I did get my shopping done. I only got Beth a standard unemotional gift. I am going to try again before she gets back on Sunday to get her something that will be meaningful, but I am drawing blanks over and over again. I could go sappy college kid and make her a CD with her gift. That is always nice. I enjoy sharing music I like with her that she probably hasn't heard. I guess I should buy some CDs. I got Brad exactly what he had asked for on his birthday that I thought was too easy. I called Carly and asked her what she got him because if I matched gifts twice it would have been tragic. Especially when Brad has stepped up his gift giving. I have a good gift idea for Pete, but I don't know his address and haven't done my homework. I'll have it for New Years, but he might not be there so I'll probably just email his brothers and see if I can get his address and have it shipped there. It's something small, so I don't think I need to make this super public knowledge because I don't want him feeling he has to get me soemthing. I know there is a good chance he's reading or I'd say what it is and you'd all realize it's just a tiny little joke gift. Under $10 and I think under $5 and I wasn't looking for a gift for him and just ran over it. So Pete, if you're reading, don't get me shit, it's NOTHING. I did real well for my sister. She has the thoughtful gift of the year, tomorrow I'll explain. My cousing Tony aka Bob Hulk is going to make out like a bandit. I went to Foot Locker who now owns Eastbay, Champs, and Footaction and got him some nice clothes for damn near nothing on top of a book. The book sounds lame, but you have to understand why it's great. I got him Hemingway's The Old Man and the Sea. For any normal kid who's been through highschool english class it was required reading, but Tony is 19 and just started really reading a few years ago. He is handicapped and like I've said before he is developmentally at that point where games and toys are fun, but uncomfortable to receive. That book is short, the type is big, and it's a classic that I love to this day. I will one day be a literature teacher. I love books and I love the classics. I want to teach people how amazing the books they are forced to read are when they are presented properly. So I thought this year I'd give Tony a "grown up" present that would have meaning and substance but wouldn't be overwhelming. Hemingway has a really nice way of writting that is plain and powerful. Even if he doesn't understand the underlying struggle and the true meaning of the book, it's a great story in it's most basic right. I really hope he reads it and likes it because if he does, I'd love to bring books into his life. Anyone who loves movies and has an imagination should fall head over heels for a good book. I really really hope I can be the one that opens his eyes to the classics. I don't ever expect him to sit through The Tempest but I do think there are a lot of books that he will really find interesting. I got Phil and my father really amazing books too. I hope they like them. I got my mother a gift from Hickory Farms. It isn't the sausage or the crackers that she will like, those are not allowed on her diet, but it's the serving board. It's a cutting board with a build in slicer. Every holiday when she serves cheese and crackers we use a little knife to cut everything that is sharp as hell and designed poorly. One of these days someone's going to cut half their hand off for some chedder. Not anymore! I just hope the holiday snacks don't get her down.

Tonight is the Italian Christmas Eve dinner that has ruined my Thanksgiving forever. I no longer look forward to turkey and stuffing. Now I look forward to the 7 fish. According to tradition, eating 7 different kinds of fish on Christmas Eve brings good luck for the upcoming year. More importantly it means I will be bursting at the seams with a gut full of shrimp, muscles, clams, crab legs, lobster, Bakala Salad, and Cod. What a meal. I look forward to this all year. It is the single best meal any man could ever look forward to and my aunt Lilian that we call Tsi tsi (Italian for aunt) is an AMAZING cook. I don't find much identity in my Italian heritage, but any time she fires up the oven I'm Vito Corleone. I dont' look down on my heritage, I just see myself as American. I don't know if it looked that way or not, but I have to cover all the bases. We have to get there early because there is always so much food that if we don't spread it out we will not survive through desert. In order to enjoy it all we have to be there basically for lunch and then just eat straight through dinner. I'm pumped.

Joe G is calling my phone over and over, but I am not interested in hearing from anyone at the office today. I can't go to the store at this point because I'll miss dinner. I don't care if I lose my job, I'm not going in today. I have to be in on Sunday which I hate enough, I don't need to be there today. I also could care less because he's in Fairview. The numer is unknown on my phone wich means he's sitting at his desk cursing me out for not answering my phone. Now my house line is ringing. If he is calling my house, it better be fucking important...
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OK, it was Jackie. She put Joe G on the phone who said that we're getting fined for not being open. If it was importatn for us to be open today then he should have let me know it was important. Telling me, "eh, not a big deal, I don't want you working on Christmas Eve, maybe a half day, whatever, we'll decide later, not a big deal." Is not "You have to open the place because it's Mall policy. I don't want you to work, but we have no choice." Fuck it. I am not going in. This might be my only 2 days in a row off for a long time. He asked me, "Is Rose around?" "No." "ok, ok, whatever. I'll talk to you on Monday" <- the way he said it was fake happy. I don't know how to type it so you understand. Something tells me that this will be a great excuse to not pay me for my overtime that I'm owed or to go so far as to pass the fine along to me. I'll be damned if I pay a dime for a miscommunication. Hopefully this is the straw that broke the stupid over loyal dope's back I've been waiting for so I can leave and have no regrets. I guess we'll see.
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Joe G just called me from a number I don't recognize so I answered thinking it might be someone I actually wanted to talk to. He asked me for Rose's number. I gave it to him, but now I feel bad for her. He's going to call and order her in I know it. I hate malls.
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Joe G again. "what's your fucking problem?" "what? What are you talking about?" "I wish you a merry christmas and you hang up in my face?" I didn't hear any merry christmas, I heard "allright, later." And I hung up. Now he thinks I'm being a dick. I am not happy with these calls, and I can't fake happiness, but I did wish him a Merry Christmas as well and he is going to keep trying to reach Rose. He also said we're open on New Years. So much for everything I had planned. Speaking of, I need to put my check for the party in Boston in the mail. No pickups today or tomrrow or sunday, but monday the check will still be sitting in my mailbox. If I have to just stay up and drink coffee until 6 or 7 to sober up and then drive back I will... no wait, I won't. I'll schedule someone else to come in around noon and then I'll get in when I get in. This New Years sucks balls allready. I hate it. I can't do well for myself on December 31st no matter how great my friends plans are. Then there's Beth's thing which I shouldn't discount. WTF? Oh, and on that same note, I almost got in my truck and started driving for CO yesterday. I really want to be with her for Christmas, but there is no way. It's logistically impossible, but I came real close. I was gassing up right off of 80W and while I was waiting for all 30.5 gallons I just kept thinking, "I could just keep going west. If I just drive I could be there by tomorrow at this time." I heard a tale once that was an African folk story. A poor boy wanted to give his teacher a gift. She always talked about how she wanted to see the ocean one day, so he walked for days to the beach and picked up a handful of sand. He walked it back for days and when he got back to his landlocked country and gave it to his teacher it was the best gift she had ever received because of how hard he had to work to get it. Typical "it's the thought that counts" or "the effort is what's important" or "sand rocks!" story. I figured even if I only had an average gift if I drove 2/3rds of the way accross the country to give it to her it would make it so much better. Basically I pussied out. I was there, I had all the stuff I needed to just drive and I didn't. I have plenty of money, I had some clothes, I had her gift, I had the desire... but I still pussied out. I guess I'm no poor african boy.

So here I am, feeling that sick feeling in my gut that I should be at the store on my favorite holiday. New Wave Isaac needs to come out more. I had the perfect opportunity to tell Joe G how it is but didn't. This sucks. I guess New Wave is going to have to start out as a little splash somewhere far away. Mabye this is the beginning? Nah, I'm a bitch.

No desire to bitch today. None whatsoever, but here I am.

I got a friend into Everquest yesterday. I feel like a drug dealer. I know he's hooked allready. It was 5 am and I wanted to log for the night and he wanted me to teach him to make arrows so he could get himself ready for tomorrow. He's a lvl 10 ranger and wants to get using his bow. I was following him around with my cleric watching out for his well being so he could just fight and fight and fight. Now that he's 10 I can group my Necromancer Yartox with him and he can see how the game really is when a high level healer isn't watching your back. I can only imagine how long he stayed on after I left. I bet he's either still sleeping, or he's in the game. He just kept saying, "this is the best game ever." I love it, and I knew he'd love it, but I feel bad now because this game consumes all free time if you let it. This is the kind of game that will make you rush home and play until you get blurry eyed. Normally introducing someone to a fun game is great, but you never know with this one. If you get in too deep it is dangerously addicting. I even got him in my guild. I set him up for extreme addiction. Go me! Before I leave today I'm going to log in and see if he's on for shits and giggles. I also ran into an old friend of mine Rardoan who sold me some gear that I could NEVER afford for next to nothing. I got a good 20k of goods for 1k. It was all the money I had, but it was nowhere near what they were worth. I can't wait to try out my new Reaver and armor. Thus, the reason why you are always addicted. No matter how far you go, you can always do better and become a force in the community. I can't wait until my buddy gets to the level where he can group with my warrior. It sucks because I've fallen behind the guys I used to run with because I haven't been playing. Now that I promised I'd help Dubya/Dendo out I have to put my main character, Baromen, on the backburner for another week or two.

I love Beth, EQ, Christmas, 7 fish, and not going to work.

Thursday, December 23, 2004

A Decent day, and a view through another set of eyes

I know I put a goofy post up between this one and one of the more emotional posts I've put up to date, but I don't want this to turn into a big cry baby fest. I just can't believe what an affect this blog has on my moods. I needed to talk to someone, I posted, I didn't feel like I had to talk anymore. Just taking all my problems, translating them into type, and throwing them up into space for whoever wants to read them or not read them is amazing. It's almost like when you wear something you're really not sure looks good out in public and nobody says anything so you realize it's not so bad after all. I was able to take what I had learned from myself and move on. To all you stumbling upon this blog (if there are any, I have no clue), thank you.

I took a look at Heather's blog this afternoon to find she's made some very important relationship moves, so I shot her an IM. She's going through a lot and I'm sure it would be nice if you get a second, click on over there and post something nice in her comments field. www.heatherfink.com


Today I started making changes. Joe G called me up and yelled at me for not doing sales because the regional rep from Sprint told him that the radio shack in the Stroud Mall was one of their top sellers. Instead of doing the usual, "Joe, we're trying" routine, I finally stood up for myself, if even only a little bit. I told him "Joe, I'm not going to take this bullshit anymore. Everyone at my store works hard and understands what it takes. It's only been a few weeks and we've allready done more than that stupid radio shack does in 3 months. The service in this area blows and we aren't going to move phones that will just come back. If this dude from sprint is so high on his fucking network have him come down and explain to these people why their phones don't work in their houses. All my people are leveraging everyone in their lives to make sales and they all know exactly what needs to be done. I will not take this shit." I know for a fact that the radio shack does 3 to 5 orders a month. Those orders are only if they can't force them to take verizon. The sale I did tonight was a guy who stopped at radio shack first and instead of them adding a second line to his Sprint account they tried to sell him a verizon phone that required a $400 deposit. His second line with sprint was zero down. Even when people want sprint coming into the radio shack they try their worst to sell them verizon. I have met a bunch of guys that either work or used to work at radio shack and they have all told me that if they get 5 sales a month that's a lot. They even said sometimes they go over a month with no sales whatsoever. I told Joe flat out, "whatever the fuck that guy said to you was bullshit and if you want I'll take his number, call him myself, and tell him he's full of shit." Joe then called him back and told him it was bullshit and that we were going to pull out because he can't afford it. The guy from sprint then dropped a huge bomb and basically saved our company. He agreed with Joe to pay for our losses and make sure we stay in business because Sprint and Horizon PCS (the company we deal with that owns the towers in the area) are extremely happy with how we're doing. Not only are they flipping over backwards to make sure we do well, but they want us to open 5 more stores. When Joe G told me that a lot of stuff that's happened made perfect sense. Joe M from Horizon PCS came by and made me fill something out saying how many phones we've activated. We had done 10 at that point and he put on his best poker face, took the sheet, and left. Now they know just as well as I do that the service in the greater stroudsburg area sucks balls. It's only good in the major towns and on the major highways. Once you go into the nearby mountains it just simply doesn't work. The fact that we were able to move 10 phones in 7 days shocked them. I should have seen it by the way Joe M looked at that paper when I looked at my sales report and filled in 10 phones. They all know that we are doing miracles here and want to see what we can do with an area that has better service. They even want us to open a store in Ohio. It's about time someone gets honest and tells us "good job, the service is awful and you are still moving phones." I'm sure Joe M expected 1 phone at best. We are killing the radio shack in sales when I'm sure they have been saying for years that sprint simply doesn't sell. Again, my mood swings, things are going well.

So I mentioned I made a sale? Good for me. I am not concerned with walkups anymore. I know it's a kiosk, but it's now my headquarters. I am in the process of seeking out every single person who could use some extra cash that has access to a computer. We have a website that is catered for our agents, www.shopandgowireless.com. I am reaching out to everyone I know around the country that I know and offering them the opportunity to make a lot of money. We pay around $50 minimum a sale and all you have to do is give out a URL and a personalized bonus code. I allready have a guy in Texas, Chicago, Atlanta, and Florida. I'm looking for hundreds more. I am going to pay them as well as I possibly can because they are going to save me. I need them and I want them to know it when they get their commission check. I am prepping a road team to go out and do presentations at companies and colleges all around PA. I've allready nailed down 5 or 10 places for them to start with. Finally, I'm going back to what I used to do and I'm working on the corporate customers. I am going to do more sales out of that fucking box than the rest of the company can do in two months and I'm going to work no more than 40 hours. I'm not letting this situation get to me anymore. I am going to get back into the gym and build the body I need to repeat as O-Lineman of the year and win NJ it's first NIFL championship. I am going to let Beth know how much I love her by being there for her. Gone are the days where I am too busy. I am going to make time for everything in my life and I'm going to blow the doors off every other cell phone pushing piece of shit on the east coast. It's Isaac time, fuck face. I've been pushed into a corner and now you're going to see why I'm so dangerous. Once my favorite holiday (for which I've done zero preparations to date) is past and the new year is here, bitch time is over. New wave Isaac is here and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. I am making changes to how this store is run and how I am living my life. If Joe G has a problem with it he can drive 80 miles out to Stroud and run the store himself. I am going to make every one of my employees proud of themselves and make this job something they can brag about.

I have to give credit where credit is due. After I stood up to Joe G he appologized for being so hard on me for so long. When he called me and told me the good news he was relaxed and easy to talk to. Then he called me tonight and talked about how much he appreciates me and that he's going to come out and give me my Christmas bonus. I haven't had a bonus since McDs gave me a wierd red bag when I was 14. I had mentioned that I really want to get a samsung i500 smartphone (pda + cell phone) so I can have a business line and not wake up every moring to my personal phone ringing with work shit, but I'm not going to go that far. That's a $600 phone. I might get one for myself one day, but only if the price comes down. Joe G has insane mood swings and can be a real dick at times, but when he's nice, he's a real good guy. I am not putting up with any crap from here on out because this is new wave Isaac, but I think the stronger he sees me the better off I'm going to be. Trying to be way too nice and accepting is only going to make me look like a pussy and not a good leader. I think I'll fire someone as an example to everyone else. Nah, but it would be funny if I just up and fired someone for no reason and then was like, "see, assholes? That can happen to any one of you at any time so watch your ass!" I like being the boss.

So I thought about what I wrote about my Beth situation again this morning. My bed was warm and soft and even though I didn't really want to sleep anymore I layed in bed until 1pm. My alarm went off at 11:30 and I played my favorite game. My snooze button lasts 10 minutes. The best part of sleeping is sliding into bed and feeling all your muscles just relax into the softness of the sheets, so I just experience that every 10 minutes for hours. I know I should just get up and set my clock back another hour and sleep, but that feeling of being able to get back into bed is priceless. After so many years of having to get up the second that clock starts buzzing at 4:45 AM to be at fooball practice on time (2 hour early) getting to hit the snooze as long as I feel like is wonderful. It also gives me an unreplaceable chance to just think. This morning I was thinking about Beth. I just couldn't shake the feeling that I'm going to lose the best thing that's happened to me in a long long time because I don't have my priorities straight. I put myself in her shoes and it really was shitty. She doesn't have any hobbies that take up her evenings and really just wastes time until bedtime during the week. On the weekends she gets chores done and goes out with friends. There isn't a lot for her to do at her apartment. When I get home, I'm always in a hurry to get something or other going. I'm either writting this blog, playing xbox or everquest, shopping online, working on things around the house, whatever. I never have enough time. I see beth as having lots of time and she most likely sees me as having lots of time. There is no way she understands me wanting to be home to do what I do. My hobbies that I love to spend time on are unimportant and appear almost unhealthy by outsiders. In her eyes I'm sitting on my ass instead of coming to see her. When I think of it that way I realize how much of an ass I am in her eyes. No wonder I'm thinking about starting a family and she's thinking about the next time she's going to see me. She sees my free time that I spend doing the things I do as empty-should-be-her time. I can't really argue that. I promise that I will be better to her. I owe it to her for all the wonderful tolerance and unending patience she has given me. I just keep thinking that moving ahead would solve problems. I know now that I have to solve problems to move ahead.

I can't sleep tonight because of how late I slept in. I heard a song on the O&A show that really supprised me. It was William Shatner doing a song called "Common People" It was really really good. He basically does spoken word and Joe Jackson sings. I wanted to hear it tonight, but it's not on www.launch.com so I had to go back to kazaa. I hate that damn program because of all the stupid fucked up shit that ends up on your computer when you download stuff, but when you REALLY want to hear or see something there really isn't any other choice. I figured I'd wait until it downloaded to hear it once before I went to bed, but the first one was a CockBlock file. One of those stupid fucking fake files that the music label will share on the internet to try and hide the real copies. I have 4 other versions about done. Oftentimes when the first one is a cock blocker the other ones are cock blockers as well. I hate the music industry. I would buy so much more music if it wasn't forcing us to pay $20 for a stupid CD before we even hear half the tracks. If they are so scared about people not buying the CD they should just put out better CDs and release a few tracks free on the web to start up a buzz. Fuck, copy 2 is a cock blocker... YAY! COPY 3 IS REAL! That wasn't so hard after all. I need a dell MP3 player. Put that on my christmas list. Oh wait, everyone but me and dead beat parents are done shopping allready! Damn it. I want to see Jim Norton perform tomorrow night... I better start a new paragraph.

Jim Norton is my favorite comic. I can relate to a lot of his experiences he writes in his blog (see links) and his brand of humor is exactly what I have been looking for. He is performing on long island tomorrow night. I put Rose on closing duties so I could leave early, but I haven't been able to get a ticket yet. He's performing twice and I want a ticket to both shows. I know Brad loves O&A like I do, so I called him up to see if he'd be able to make it. I thought I was about to make up for his lousy birthday gift, but I was wrong. He wasn't interested. I asked him if he could make it long island and he was like, "well, I dont' know. I don't know if I could make it out there on thursday. bla bla bla." What he should have said was, "No, I don't like this gift either, and you are not going to find one gift that anyone wants this year. Why didn't you shop earlier? You work in a mall." I haven't bought a thing and it's officially the 23rd. I've never been this far behind and failed so many times. I couldn't give away a ticket to an amazing comedy show to a fan of the comic and I couldn't give away a week in paradise. What the fuck is going to happen when I show up with a mediocre gift after I struck out with really good ones? I can't buy the ticket because I haven't shopped yet. If I go to the show alone and enjoy the hell out of myself I'll feel even worse about the shit that I'm giving to people. If I don't have time to get anything I'll be even worse. If I don't get most of my shopping done before the show I'm not going. It would be selfish of me to enjoy myself so much all by myself and contribute nothing. I know how it's going to go. I'm going to go shopping, not find shit, settle on some bullshit that they won't like anyways, miss the show, get bad reactions from my gifts, tune in to O&A to hear how amazing the show was, and feel like shit for giving up my first chance to see a hero of mine for an evening of dissapointment followed by a week of giving dissapointing gifts. I am going to feel like shit at 9 when I have to get up because I'm tired, then at 3 because I'm leaving work without a decent gift in sight, and then at 7 because I'm missing Norton's performance, and then again at 10 for the same reason, and then the feeling will just last until next christmas when I have another shot. I really wanted to get myself those tickets for Christmas, but now I can almost guarantee it won't happen. Especially because nobody I know would go on short notice and I wouldn't bring anyone who doesn't know who Jim Norton is because he's offensive as hell and very very different than most comics. I would hate to scar someone for life who never saw it coming.

Oh, and this version of Common People is incomplete and the next one that downloaded was a cockblocker. I will now double click every single file that is available and see if I can't find a complete and real version by the time I get up. Goodnight, friend, and thank you for reading.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

Dudes vs Plants

Just a quickie today. I recieved a coiled bamboo plant from Jackie at the office to put in my store for good luck. I like it a lot and was talking about it with one of my employees. She told me that you have to talk to it a lot to make it happy. I replied, "You would make it just as happy if not more happy if you just blew on it a little and you wouldn't waste so much time." I was walking away from the store and the way I worded it threw a flag in my head. I realized that I am awesome for wording it that way and realized we plants and dudes aren't so different after all.

fin

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I see what I am and it hurts

I have said a few times that I believe I'm good with gifts. So I have been thinking about what to get Beth forever. Today I got an awesome idea from one of my employees: Plan a caribean vacation for just the two of us! I wasn't too high on the idea because of the price and because now that we both have jobs we can't just pick up and leave at any time. I won't be available until August and she has limited time off and uses it to see her family. So when I mentioned it would just be too expensive at this point she showed me her hookup in the industry and the number was very VERY reasonable so I thought I'd do it. I didn't want to do anything like that before I spoke to Beth, and I really thought she was going to go nuts for the idea, so even though we got blanked for the third time today I was as happy as I've been in a while because I thought I was finally able to give Beth something really special that involves the two of us and would be something she would remember forever. REVERSAL!!!!! I tell her, she flatlines on the phone and basically isn't interested at all. I know for a fact that if I was offered the same thing I would have lost my freaken mind that I was actually going to paradise. Things like a week in Barbados are for rockstars and big time business execs, not for douche bags that sell freaken telephones out of a stand in the mall. I thought I was going to top all my other gifts and really score big time. I fell flat on my face. I felt like I was publisher's clearing house walking up to a house with the big check only to have the person go, "10 million... not interested" and slam the door in my face. Beth is very grounded and understands the value of a dollar, but she comes from a lot more money than I do and I guess things like this aren't as special for someone who travels like she does. In fact, she told me, "I want to see my family and my dad wants to take a trip to Poland and my mom wants to go to Brazil so time off is scarce." Must be nice. I have only left the country once to go to Canada on a band trip on a bus. I didn't fly until my college football team played Jacksonville U down in florida my sophomore year. Things like this don't happen to me and a trip like that seemed so cool that I couldn't imagine anything but shock and excitement.

Then, after the reversal, I got the sidewalk slam. We then go into a huge discussion about how she's never been happy with me because even though she knows how intense my feelings for her are I act "exactly the opposite." My frustration level is at a near critical level. I can't take all these things at once. I can't be the man she needs and the employee Joe G needs and the Center the NJ Xtreme needs all at once. Something's gotta go and it certainly is not a girl or a game. Everything was falling together so nicely. I was going to live and work no more than a half hour away from Beth, my friends, and my team. I was going to be on my own and starting my life at a 10 to 6, Monday to Friday job where I sat in an office in sweats and made crazy money. Then Joe G wanted to open a store in PA. What a fucking mistake. I am making somewhat OK money, but I am not living my life. I am living Wireless Communication Broker's life. I am so fucking sick and tired of having to spend hours with each idiot redneck loser that wants a phone only to see them again the next day to hear the warcry of the ridgerunner: "My phone doesn't work in my house." They then precede to stand there and tell me about how it works great until they get up into the fucking mountains and they want to know how to fix it. You can't fucking fix it, you idiot! Sprint doesn't get a fucking signal up there! You don't have fucking running water knock off the bullshit act! I am to the point where I tell everyone it won't work in their house and they will be lucky if it works in their town. I just hate that they come up and say, "it doesn't work in my house" and then look at me and wait for me to say something. My answer? "You can add 100 minutes of roaming for $10 a month" Their answer, "So now I'm paying $80 a month instead of $70?" "yes, fuckface, if you want to live in the worst area for cellular signal in the country, then yes, you have to pay $10 to use your stupid phone in your stupid house. And then I go home and call my wonderful girlfriend who loves me for God knows why and have to hear her pain because I am not there for her. Why can't it all just work out? Why do I have to be so loyal to my stupid job. Why can't I just quit and work some stupid bullshit job that doesn't require me to leave behind everyone I care about? Why can't anyone else close the store? Why can't Beth and I just go out like normal people and see a movie or have a drink or do anything normal people do? Why is our relationship over the phone when we live in the same state? Why? I am so mad right now at what I've done to myself that I don't know who to talk to but you. You who? You the guy who was reading about porno and then clicked "next blog" and landed on my pile of horse shit bitching and decided to try and trudge your way through. Thank you.

I am at that point where anything can happen. I could feel in her silence that one reason she didn't want to plan a vacation in August was that she wasn't sure we'd still be going out at that point. Even though I know she loves me I also know how shitty a boyfriend I am. When I was working down the street from her apartment I still drove 2 hours home so I could eat a big dinner and sit around playing video games and not have to parallel park and buy a $3 parking permit. I was burning $25 in gas a day but I couldn't pay $3 to sleep next to the woman I love? I am such a conflicted piece of garbage that I don't know why she puts up with me. I am so in love with her and she decided to go to grad school and work in NYC because that put her close to me (among other things). She tried to play it off like it wasn't becasue of me, but in a moment of weakness she admitted that if it wasn't for me she would never have chosen NYU for grad school. Then I went off to coach at fucking MU and was 4 hours away. Then I finally wake up and realize that I should be doing SOMETHING for her after how much she was sacraficing for me and get a job near by. I thought I might as well enjoy the comforts of home for the last time before I move out on my own for good and try to be home as much as possible while I try to find an apartment. Then that backfired and I'm in PA now. All that time I was just telling myself, "Hey, it's cool. Go home tonight, have mom bake something up and eat like a king, play Rainbow Six until the wee hours of the morning and then sleep in your own bed. It's cool, in a little bit you will be seeing Beth just about every day." So much for that. Now I look like a total neglecting asshole. Tonight she dropped the bomb on me and I all of a sudden had one of those flashback sequence moments of realization where everything I've done was painfully clear. She told me that since she's known me she's been waiting for her turn. She's wanted my attention for so long and I've always had something else in my life that took priority and that she's never been totally happy with our relationship. I thought back, and she's right. I have treated her like that and I do deserve the title bad boyfriend. In college I would blow off hanging out with her because I was tired, because we were all hanging out and I was having too much fun with my boys, because I just didn't feel like seeing her roommates, because of whatever the hell was going on, and she has every right to be upset. There were times I just didn't feel like hanging out and stayed in even though I knew she really wanted to see me. I almost never took her out. I still don't. I have been broke as a joke since she's known me and never have been able to pay for dinner or the movies or the trip to the dining hall. We'd be at the same party and I would spend the whole night doing shots with my friends while she hung out with her friends and almost never even notice she was there. I am a loser and a bad person. I hate the way I've become and I'm stuck in a place I don't want to be. I need to quit my job. Plain and simple. I need to go into Joe G's office and tell him that I simply cannot do what needs to be done and that I will be done in two weeks. Football season is rapidly closing in and I am in AWFUL shape. I don't even have time to go to the gym. That is, of course, just the icing on the cake. If I keep doing what I'm doing and start football season up there will be zero time left in my life for Beth and if I'm lucky all she'll do is leave me. She should shoot me in the fucking head for what I've put her through. I will not go back to the way I was where I was begging for forgiveness and feeling like I was unworthy for no reason. The difference now is that I have gone from one extreme to the other. I have gone from scared puppy to angry grizzly. I am totally out of touch with what a relationship is supposed to be and I will probably blow it with one of the great ones. I can see myself with Beth for the rest of my life, but I can't figure out how to see her tomorrow, or this week, or next week, or in January, etc. I really need to reorganize my life and get myself into a place where I am able to enjoy myself, treat my girlfriend the way she deserves to be treated, and actually be a friend to my friends. I feel like I need to just get in my truck and drive. I wish I could just hide in the woods for a month and clear my head of all the shit that has built up over the past few years. I go from one bullshit situation to another and Beth is always there and always loves me and always wants me to do well but is always sad because she can see what I'm doing to myself way before I even realize it's a mistake. And through it all I'm neglecting her and we are not doing the things people do. If I didn't trust her like I've never trusted anyone before I wouldn't even know if she was dating someone else. I'm never there. What she doesn't tell me I'll never know. I'm NEVER there. Everything is in a fucking shambles and it's all my fault. I did it all. I built this kingdom of shit and now I have to live in it. I am going to figure this out now. I can't wait much longer. I don't know how much more time I have and it's all because I am a fool. I don't feel like Beth is going to walk out on this relationship any time soon, but I don't give her much reason to stay. I don't deserve the love I receive. I am a fucking one way street with everything going my way. I have acted like I can't be bothered by Beth or by my friends and then wonder why I feel so alone. God damn I wish I'd wake up tomorrow and realize this was all a dream. I feel so worthless and so absolutely pathetic. I am never at a loss for words and tonight I had nothing. I listened to her and then thought back and realized she's right. It's all my fault.

I wish my problems were with drugs or booze or gambling or something that would destroy me so completely that someone would see my life crumbling to dust, pick me up and help me get back together. Right now my only problem is that I have a job and that it's not where I want it. That isn't exactly the beginnings of an intervention. There is nobody that can help me but myself. I'm afraid I am incapable of changing no matter how much it tears me to shreds that I am causing so much pain.

I can't even put into words how dissapointed in myself I am. On top of all my realization that I suck at spending time with Beth I realized that I also weaseled my way out of hanging out with her on new years eve. I don't like her Hoboken friends. I go into the tank when I am uncomfortable and have no control over it. I have tried so hard to be friendly, but once that switch in my head is flipped I'm on defense and I'm dangerous. I don't like when that happens when I'm on my own, but when I'm with Beth it's ten times worse. I don't like when she sees me like that and I don't want to ruin her new years eve. I talk like I'm the fucking Hulk. What a douche bag I am. All I would have to do is put up with their cornball humor and talk about all the hip stuff they do and buy. There's an open bar and that's another problem. I get really really really really drunk when I'm the Hulk and either punch someone, cry, or both. That cannot happen anymore. I don't want to be the reason Beth doesn't enjoy her New Years, but the fact that I am thinking like that is just disturbing. Where will I be? I will be out with the Boston Strangler in his home town doing the exact same party in a different town with different people. 2005 will come and go and I will be depressed because I'm not with Beth and pray to be with her next year, but what does she see? She sees my stupid ass blowing off her awesome and inexpensive party to hang out with my college drinking buddies without her. I don't deserve her kindness. I suck so much. I am just bad at new years. When I was single I was the only guy standing there in my stupid hat not even trying for a new years kiss at midnight. Every new years I was dating someone, I didn't spend it with them. When I did, it was always a disaster. I spent one new years with Beth and her Mom in a wine bar that decided to turn the heat to 90. I was pouring sweat and uncomfortable as hell. Beth's mom decided that it would be a funny thing to comment on. I smiled and shrugged it off. Then it became the running joke of the night. "Wow, you're really sweating, let me fan you with the menu." har har har. Look how much fun I'm having. Now I'm the hulk. I procede to drink heavily and Beth is constantly asking me, "are you OK? Do you want to go outside? Are you having fun?" Not when I'm obviously sweating my fat ass off and angry that I can't cool off. Now that everyone has pointed it out I feel even more uncomfortable and angry. The spit in my face was the shitty cover band that kept trying to bother us all into crowd participation. At one point when the singer came out and got right in my face I gave her the most "I am a fucking enourmous and dangerous man who wouldn't think twice about killing you where you stand" look and asked her to go away as rudely and inappropriately as I could muster up. Now I was making an ass of myself in front of my girl and her mom, sweating my ass off, and angry as fuck. What a great new years. I suck at milesones, change, and life. I hate myself tonight.

Monday, December 20, 2004

[INSERT TITLE HERE]

I have no idea what to title this post. This weekend was OK for the store. We did 7 sales on Saturday (one order of 2 phones was cancelled, so only 5 phones, but it was cool to actually do the 7) and only one on Sunday. That is a grand total of 19 phones I belive. I could be wrong, but I think we're close to paying the rent. If we could average 3 a day we'd be doing fine, but now that we are getting closer and closer to Christmas people have less and less time to mess around with cell phones and are in a huge rush. It's hard to get someone to buy a phone when they have 3 kids that know Santa is on his way but he hasn't had time to stop at the mall until a week before the big day. I really like my employees. They are all cool people and have been doing a real good job. Some of them need to have their methods fine tuned a bit because they piss me off at times, but I have to say that I hired a good bunch of people. I think a couple of them realized more so than the rest that the success or failure of this store weighs heavy on my mind. If we aren't doing well or if I get hollered at by Joe G they can tell now. I get a "what's wrong" when I don't expect it and don't think I'm showing my distress. I guess it doesn't just weigh heavy on my mind, it also manifests itself in my mannerisms. I don't want to be old at 24, but I feel like everyday I'm forced to grow up a bit more and be a little more responsible. I know that is what workings all about, but I feel like a tragic hero these days. I also know that is what every pussy that writes a blog says about themselves, but thinking of myself as a tragic hero makes the fact that I am running my head into a wall on a daily basis seem a little more Shakespearean and cool. I simply can't give up and I can't quit. I know that sounds like a good thing, but I feel like I'm pointing my cannons at a superior ship and they are cutting us to bits and I am just standing there in my pirate hat and pointing my sword in the direction of battle knowing good and damn well that this will be my last stand. That is how I feel about a lot of things. I am as loyal and commited a man as I have ever met even when things are obviously not going to get better. I am not saying this store is going to fail. I think we will pay the rent and wages and still make the company some money, but that is going to be a long term accomplishment and short term is all we can afford right now. We are desparately close to broke and need to start seeing results right meow. If we were a bigger company I would be much more content in getting a few phones out a week and building a name for myself because I would know that starting off slow isn't going to kill us. Because of who we are it's not like that at all. If we don't hit the ground running the company could go away. This store is my cross to bear and I will carry it with honor even if that means that everything else in my life is destroyed. That is just how I am.

I miss my girlfriend so much. I haven't seen her in weeks and I don't think I will see her until after Christmas. On some levels that's a good thing because I havent' found a gift for her yet, but Christmas has always meant being with the ones you love for me and because of our families being so far apart we've never been together for Christmas. It really sucks balls. I will be opening my gifts and giving my family their gifts and the whole time all I can think about is Beth. I am a sap. I am the kinda guy who looks forward to the house, kids, dog (and fish hehe) and white picket fence. I am getting older now and it's getting to the point where I wish I was having my own Christmas with my own family. I even started collecting ornaments for my own tree a few years ago. One of my favorite gifts I received last year was an antique glass christmas ornament from my dad. I pictured Beth and I hanging it on our own tree in our own house. It makes Beth VERY uncomfortable when I talk like this, but I am just being honest. I could "edit her out" of this story, but then it wouldn't be right. I can say I picture myself and some random chick that I am with doing these things, but that is not how it is in my head. I have been with her for over 4 years and I have a hard time not picturing us doing the family thing when I'm doing stuff with my family during the holidays. I am going to stop this stream of consciousness before I start getting sease and desist emails.

Here is a little holiday favorite of mine. Listen to the song "rockin around the christmas tree." It's the version from Home Alone, but I dont' know who the broad singing it is. When she says, "Later we'll have some pumpkin pie" it sounds just like she's saying, "Later we'll have some fucking pie." Once you've heard it once, you'll never hear pumpkin again. While we're chatting about music, my favorite Christmas song of all time is Bing Crosby doing I'll Be Home for Christmas. I have always been moved by that song, but once I went to college it took on a whole new meaning. Then when I began working out of state it got even more important to me. I still remember my freshman year after finally recovering from a near fatal case of mono I was back in school at 225lbs (yes I lost 90lbs) and finishing out my semester. I hated my roommate with a passion, was doing awful in school, was so far out of shape and weak that I had a hard time walking up and down stairs and carrying my books, and all I wanted was to go home. I was listening to the radio and Bing came on. I almost lost it sitting in my dorm room. That song is a rock solid promise that no matter how hard life is and no matter how far away you are that you WILL be home for Christmas. It goes back to the tragic hero thing. Even though I am sick and I am weak, I will fight my way home no matter what the cost because YOU are so important to me. That was what it meant to me in college. When I was coaching at MU it took on a slightly differnent meaning. It was almost a battle cry for me. It meant that I will stand up for myself and I will get out of this dead end job and I will not miss this holiday no matter what it means or who I have to knock out to get there. It wasn't a "feel bad for me, I'm a skinny little pussy" song anymore, now it was I am going to be stronger than I've ever been and no matter what I have to do you will see me at the table when dinner is served. Now I live at home. So I'll be home for Christmas, Columbus Day, Leap Year, the next full moon, Labor day, etc. (you get the point) and when I heard that song today my mind went directly to Beth. I want to spend Christmas with her so badly but it's not possible. My family needs me here and her family needs her there. I would be a wreck if I was away from my grandma and my family if I was out in Colorado, and I know beth would be the same if she was here. The song made me feel sad and frustrated because the thing I want most for Christmas I have to let go. I can't stand between her and her family because I love her to much to hurt her, but I want her here so badly. That is when the frustration set in. What happens if we get married? Do we live in Jersey and split the holidays? Do we go out there? I have so much going for me here beyond my stupid job that I can't even dream of leaving, but she has her heart set on raising a family out in Colorado. I look forward to our first Christmas together, but I KNOW that it will be painful. Whichever of us is away from our family will be heartbroken. This is why I am so fucking torn on where my life is going. It's the classic "if you love it, let it go, and if it comes back.... bla bla bla" I know how important family and friends are during the holidays. It is the one time a year I feel like I MUST show everyone in my life how much I appreciate them and spend time with people that are important to me. I love Beth too much to ask that she gives up the rights to what I know I would have an awful hard time living without. It's like you care too much to let yourself care too much, but you can't stop. That was a confusing ass statement. I understant it, but I know I lost some of you. Every December feels like D-Day. I feel like all my decisions on life and love must be figured out, but not acted upon because of my stupid birthday and Christmas. It's like the emotion and importance of Christmas forces me to think through a lot of things. It shines a 2.5 million candlepower flashlight (thanks, Dad! Great gift to fuck around with and shoot down civilian aircraft) on the importance of the people in your life. I can't escape these thoughts no matter what. My heart wants my brain to figure out what the fuck is going to happen but it can't. Then another year goes by and it's the same all over again. If Beth was a Jersey girl and it wouldn't require a monumental change in one of our lives to start living our lives together, we would be. I would have moved ahead with it long ago. Wow, I shared a lot more about my current situation than I ever wanted to, but I re-read it and it's fair and nothing that Beth and I haven't talked about. I promised myself and her that I wouldn't post anything that I couldn't/haven't talked to her about.

OK, it's 2:30 and I need to get into the store. I really wanted to talk about the reunion tour we are trying to get off the ground... ok, the store can wait. I have been playing Rainbow Six 3. That is why my username on here is BYOB Kenobi. That is my gamertag on xbox live and my alter ego. I get to go online and be whatever I want to be. I'm a super soldier and the leader of a huge army and the leader of one of the greatest teams of poeople and a community leader and a fighter and a all american O-Lineman and whatever else tickles my stupid fancy. Quick history of me on R6: I started playing, met up with a guy named Six Shooter who ran a great server, met more people, we all were on each other's freind lists and eventually we were playing on the same team for hours at a time just destroying all comers. We decided to register on a competition website that keeps track of how your roster does against other rosters. That is called a Clan and Clan Competition. Our clan is called Old Boys and we were ranked #2 in the world by the time the game died out for another game in the R6 series. We played as many as 3 matches a night. Each match took between 45 minutes and 6 hours depending on how everything went. I spent more time with the other Old Boys than I did with anyone else for a year. Then the new game came out and things fell apart. We are all still friends, but we only play together a little bit. This week Brad (also on the Old Boys, his tag is Alex Trebek) started playing the old R6, then our buddy Mike from TX (Archangel75) came back, then I came back on, then people started realizing we were playing and we had 5 or 6 of the original 20 on. Now we are tying to get a reuinion tour going. Even though some of us left for other teams and others stopped playing all together, we are getting the word out via our forums and word of mouth that we are going to try and get the team back together and play some more matches for old times sake. Even the guys who left on bad circumstances miss the team so much that they are willing to give up whatever they are doing now in the gaming community to have it like it was. I am so excited about it that I can't even tell you. The time I spent as the leader of Old Boys was the best time I've ever had on a video game. I met hundreds of people from all age groups and all corners of the earth and we were a tight knit and competitive community. I was one of the most respected members of the gaming community for months. I ran into people in real life (at the halo2 midnight launch, so it was just other nerds) that were talking about R6 and I mentioned my gamertag. They almost fell over themselves shaking my hand and asking me questions about things I had posted on the gaming forum and about me and about things that I never thought anyone would remember. I was gamer famous and my team was a respected and powerful member of the gaming community. It was the BEST. If we can all get together for even a week again it would make me so happy. Oh, and if you were wondering, our average age on the team is like 25, so I'm not chatting with teen boys all day, you ass. Six is 35, Gundam is 34 and I am 24. We were the leaders and surrounded ourselves with people like ourselves.

OK, the Old Boys reunion tour should start soon if at all possible. I'm sure you guys could give two shits, but it means a lot to me, so expect to hear more about it soon. Now that I'm "late" for work, I'm leaving. I hope my part timers aren't shitting themselves because they are on their own for a few minutes.

Sunday, December 19, 2004

Yay, Saturday (part 2)

I sold 7 phones today and have a guy coming back to pick up the 3 phones he chose tomorrow. He has been back 3 times now and I have no doubt that he will come back and get the 3 phones. That would have made the 20th, 21st, and 22nd sale and triumphantly paid the rent for December. I still don't have the balls to ask if I can take a day off a week, but at least today was a good one. I talked to Joe G after I closed the joint and he was very happy with how we did today. Maybe things will work out after all. I am so up and down about this store that it's like a damn emotional pogo stick.

Instead of bitching and being negative I thought I'd be positive and put up a few links that make me happy:

My favorite radio show ever, now on XM radio:
http://www.opieandanthony.com

Old shows you can download and listen to (you MUST hear the file "Tyson in England")
http://www.oavirus.com

My favorite comedian who I really hope to see on the 23rd in long island:
http://www.eatabullet.com and his blog http://www.jimnorton.blogspot.com/

My favorite video game on the Xbox:

http://www.rainbowsix3.com (The site is now dedicated to the sequil to rainbow six 3, Black Arrow, but that game sucks balls. I am into the original and that is the best site I could think of to put up in it's honor) The site my video game team, Old Boys, competes on http://www.gamebattles.com (we were #2 in the world)

My team's site is http://www.teamoldboys.com but it is just a password locked forum for just the team. (I created the team logo)

A site with a lot of funny pictures dispursed among a lot of boobs http://www.priceless420.com

I just want to appreciate the things in my life that make me happy. My girlfriend, Beth, my friends, my family, and my video games. I know the video game thing sounds pathetic, but I am allowed to like what I want to like. I promise I will be better to all of you once I figure out this whole store thing. It's either going to come down to me getting the hours I want or quitting. I will not be like this forever.


Saturday, December 18, 2004

Yay, Saturday! (kinda)

You know what's funny about working 7 days a week? You really don't realize what day it is until you have to write the date on some paperwork. This morning I woke up and for some reason I had the old feeling of happiness that it was Saturday. Normally my saturday mornings would involve me eating a big late breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast, cleaning my fishtanks and pruning all my aquatic plants, and then logging insane hours on either the xbox or the computer. Most weekends I had plans to hang out with friends for either friday or saturday night. Then there were the occasional nights that I would go over to a cousin's house for dinner or to Morristown to see my grandma. Those things were inconsequential in my old life before the store. They happened, I enjoyed or did not enjoy them, and then I went back to work on Monday morning. There were times I had a little too much fun and I would hate myself all day on Monday and swear that I wouldn't spend another weekend pirate drunk in VT only to drive back hungover on sunday night and go to work the next day.

The weekends were my time to do what I wanted. I could spend the whole day in my room or I could spend the whole weekend out with friends. It was up to me. I could pilot my truck into the driveway with nothing more than a few drops of gas left and not worry about filling up until monday morning. Some weekends I wouldn't drive, wouldn't talk on the phone, wouldn't do anything but hang out and play video games, surf the web, and do NOTHING from the close of the workday on Friday night through the wee hours of Monday morning. Nothing clears your head of a bad week of work like a true empty weekend. I just love wasting time. Not having to be anywhere at any time for days at a time is the way I like it. Now that gets old after a few weeks. I was unemployed and doing nothing after I graduated and it was great for a month, but after that I felt like I needed a job to get me out of the house and doing things. Playing pro football did that perfectly, but then the season ended and I needed something to pay the bills. In walks my new 10 to 6 Monday through Friday job. Perfect. It is near my girlfriend and near my football team. It's not too early or too late. 8 hours of office work and then I'm free to do as I please. I was in the process of finding an apartment when Joe G decided that I was going to run the Stroud Mall store. Sounds great doesn't it? I get to be the store manager and be in charge of employees. I don't have a boss standing over me. I get freedom to do as I please and schedule myself the way I want to work while making the company money. "Sure Joe G, I'd love to."

Fast forward to today, Saturday. It's 12:40 PM and I'm about to get ready to go to work for the rest of the night. When I get home it will be close to Midnight. Hopefully between the time I get in and the time I leave I will activate multiple phones, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Then I will go to sleep and wake up at 9 to work my fantastic Sunday schedule of 10 am to 10 pm. Then I will go to sleep and the weekend is gone. In walks Monday and I'm still on the 2 to 11 kick. Oh boy! I can't wait for next weekend! I get "Happy Friday" emails from all my friends who actually use their $140,000 education to their advantage every single week. I get to hear about all the plans they are making and all the fun they plan on having. I can't even go out for a beer because I know I have to be up again the next day to work long hours. There is just something about weekends that keeps us all healthy. Even if it's only one day off or on a non traditional weekend (monday/tuesday, etc) it keeps us all ballanced. It's that night a week when you can say "fuck it" and stay up and get drunk or watch movies all night or play video games or hang out with friends, or do whatever the fuck you want and your boss can't touch you for one whole day. The next day you can get up early and be productive or you can sleep until sundown and eat breakfast at 5 PM. If anyone has a problem with it, you can just drop the "Hey, it's MY day off" and be free of all guilt. My next day off: Christmas Day. My next day off: New Years Day. My 3rd day off: Easter Sunday. My 4th Day off: Christmas Day '05

I had more to say, but Beth called up and I would rather talk to her than complain here. I'm going to talk to her and then get showered and ready for work. YAY SATURDAY!

Friday, December 17, 2004

Spit in my face, kick me in the yam bag, and tell me you love me

What a day. I'm glad it's over. I don't know when the next time I'm going to relax will be. I can't sleep at night anymore. Last night I refused to let myself sleep until after 4 AM and then I woke up just about every hour looking at the clock and afraid that I should be at the store. Then once the sun came up I got up and unplugged my phone and put it on my pillow in case someone called. I didn't want to miss anything or anyone. I feel responsible for everything at every second of the day. The mall isn't even open and I feel like I should be there. I just want to sleep and spend an hour or two a day doing things that I enjoy without feeling like I am hiding from something or that I should be somewhere else. Fear, shame, and guilt. What the fuck is wrong with me. I WILL prove my worth. I WILL sell a lot of phones. I WILL prove myself. I WILL solve everything, stand up to those who doubt me, and overcome all problems. It's just who I am. I can't quit, I can't give up, and I must win.

One of the day's problems was that Joe G saw the hours I submitted and saw that I worked 100 hours of overtime over the past two weeks. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do if nobody else can close the store and if Joe G calls me during the day he without fail WILL tell me to go in early. The mall is open from 7 am to 11 pm and I am required to close the place every single day. I would never ask anyone to work 7 days a week, so on Sundays I open AND close the store and work all the time in between. I dont' even submit hours that I don't do enough to feel like I earned it. For instance, the day the store was delivered I was in at 7 am waiting for the truck. It didn't get in until noon, so I didn't claim those hours that I was just sitting and waiting. When I came in early or stayed late to get things done I didn't claim those hours. When I took 15 minutes to run over to the food court to get something to eat I deducted an hour. When I was out spending my own money to get things for the store I didn't count those hours. The stuff I needed to build the store cost me over $200 and I never asked for that money back. The stools I bought were $30 each, the fax machine/copier was $150, the garbage can was $10, the paper for the copier was $5, the nuts, bolts, and rubber mallet were about $15, the cobalt coated bit I needed to put holes in the aluminum cross members that were not properly drilled cost $10. I have put my money, my time, my soul into this store and I still feel like I should have my tail between my legs for not doing enough to make it succeede. I know Joe G has made a lot of money and has run a very solid business for a decade, so I really don't have any ground to stand on when it comes to my opinion on what should be done. I feel so worthless it's crazy.

On a brighter note, I got jumpstarted into a new plan today. I will not divulge the details, but the wheels are spinning. I just need to find the time it's going to take to set everything up. If it works out, this will be the way I spend most of my time. It might solve all my hourly problems and make my employees more valuable to the company. If this plan works out, I will be worthy of the praise I can't wait to receive. I will overcome an average local network and a bad product image with my intelligence. I am about 25% of the way through my plan. It is a good one, and I hope Joe G is cool with it, but it's going to take some time to get my people up to speed and get them ready to do what I am going to need them to do. I am so proud of this idea that I'm dieing to share it, but that might kill it. If I can set this up, implement it, and take care of it from nothing through success then Joe G WILL be happy because I will make the company a lot of money. I will prove that I'm not just a good soldier but I'm a good general. MY soldiers will perform beyond Joe Gs expectations and it will all be good. I really need to spend a lot of time on this and make sure it's polished and perfect before I let the cat out of the bag to Joe G. I can't wait to finally get my monthly statement and see a huge smile on Joe G's face. I can't wait.

P.S. I made friends with the girl who works at the Nextel booth. She did 20 activations tonight during her shift. She doesn't know how many were done before she got there today, but she said that she didn't count the sale she completed when she got in and relieved the other guy that opened the joint. Why can't it be like that for us?

Every time I think I'm out...

OK, more bad news for the store. I have to cut hours because we "have no money." Rent goes down after the holiday season, so we won't have so much pressure to make as many sales, but if we don't pick up a lot, the store will be shut down. It's payroll day which has been the worst 2 days of the month for us the past few months and again I'm feeling that sickning feeling in my gut that says no matter how much I do the company is going to need more.

If you are reading this and you have considered buying a sprint phone, PLEASE call us at 570-517-5081. We do sales nationally and REALLY need ANYONE that wants a sprint phone from anywhere in the 50 states to call us up. We do add a phones too, so if you have sprint and have been considering adding an additional line, PLEASE do so! I can't believe I'm begging in my blog for cutomers, but I have to. I've allready hit up most of my friends, given my father hundreds of my card to hand out at work, and called existing customers begging for activations. I need all the help I can get. If you would like to sell phones for commission, call that same number and ask for me, Isaac. I am looking for agents nationwide to help in my cause.

I really hate failure and it's looking more and more imminent the further down the line I walk. If you call asking for a phone I'll only sell it to you if you live and work in an area where the phone will work and give you zero problems. I gurantee that if I sell you a phone you will be very happy with it.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Sales and Smiggz

SmiggzTheWinner1
This is the Double CD I purchased from Smiggz himself tonight. It's actually pretty damn good. Here is the contact info that I found in the packaging: Email: mallybigwinner@hotmail.com rhmgmt@yahoo.com Phone: 570-977-4841 or 570-856-4535
I am going to rip some of the better tracks off the CD. If you hear some of it, email me (IsaacBrockman@hotmail.com)

4 phones have been activated in the last two days. Sprint bought out Nextel and formed Sprint Nextel which will no doubt merge with Verizon in the coming months. If you know how huge corporations have to be aligned to merge you'd know that the whole Nextel thing was just to make the company worth enough money to retain some identity when they eventually merge with Verizon. Not many people are thinking that far down the line yet, but Sprint and Verizon both operate on the same signal and would be as smooth a merge as the Cingular and ATT one. When it happens, I'll drop an "I told you so" or two. I've also told off two douche bag fucktards in the past two days and bought a double CD from a rapper selling copies of his CD out of his jacket. It's been a decent two days. If we can activate 8 more phones this month we'll at least pay the rent. I think we're going to do it. I'm feeling slightly more confident than I was the last time I posted. I just have to keep at it and be brutally honest when selling phones. Selling phones to people who can't use them where they want to use them is worthless because they'll just deactivate before the 6 months required for us to get commission. We are in a questionable area for sprint service and I'm trying to fool anyone. I just want to sell phones to people who want what we have. If that's only a couple a day, then that's how it's got to be. Because of where we are, a lot of people commute east to NYC and to Jersey to work. Those are the people who will love Sprint PCS. There is plenty of signal around my store, but the backwoods hicks who live up in the fucking mountains don't get electricity or running water and expect 4 bars. Fuck em.

OK, enough about work. Smiggz is pretty good. I like rap if it's fun and has a good beat. I am not into the whole thug life, but I enjoy a little here and there. When Smiggz came up and asked me if I like rap and showed me his CD I was feeling open minded so I started talking to him. He said something that hit a chord with me and I had to buy his CD. He told me he's trying to do what he loves but it's hard to spend the time it takes to really shine at rapping and keep a job to pay the bills. That is EXACTLY how I feel about football. I feel like I could be at least a NFL practice squad caliber O lineman, but it's so hard to keep myself strong and in shape when I can't make enough money playing to focus on it. If I could just work out all day long every day I would have such a better shot at making the show, but I can't. I need money to live and $200 a game isn't enough to last the week let alone the off season. I didn't plan on 80 hours a week, but I also didn't plan on having the earning potential I have now (potential = what I can negotiate for myself if my store does well). I am a much bigger fan of David Allen Coe than I am of Smiggz, but I felt like giving him $10 for his CD was helping him reach his dream if even only a little. I hope he makes it so I can tell all my friends I met him before he was huge, but I am not going to hold my breath. He was a genuinely nice guy and the people he was with were all cool with me too. I look like the epitome of skinhead and bigotry from afar and I've heard from many people that they were deathly afraid of me before they met me, but this guy had no attitude, was very nice, and just working hard after his normal working hours to follow his dream. How could I say no? I wanted to put the CD in and just put him on blast for a few paragraphs. I know a few guys who say they are "rappers" and they SUCK! This guy is actually fun to listen to. I really like his CD even though I had an awful picture in my head about what it was going to be before I heard it.

Today I'm making sales and down with the underground hiphop community. Oh, and I have to mention that I am back to my old tricks and logging insane and unhealthy hours on Rainbow Six 3 for xbox on xbox Live! This game is the best game to ever come out for xbox and I don't see it being rivaled soon. So much fun. Speaking of, I'm going to go waste some fools whilst I listen to Smiggz.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Blank Blank

Another day without a sale. I have been really thinking about what is going on here and I simply do not have the resources to draw people in. I can get some people, but my store needs so much more to take it to the next level. Electricity, a register, inventory management software, displays that actually look like they belong in a store, dummy phones that I can leave out for the customers to handle, advertisement (in the works, can't really complain),etc etc etc. I cannot possibly care anymore or try any harder than I do to make sales and I still get blanked. My employees have been amazing. They are trying just as hard as I am to bring in sales. I have been listening to them deal with customers and they allready have a pretty firm grasp on the basics and are being persuasive and convincing. I am proud of them for picking it up so quickly. Now we just need to start making money before the debt piles up too deep.

Here is what we get for customers. People who have problems with their phones/service, people with unbelieveably awful credit, people wanting to pay their bills (we can't do it yet), prepaid customers (we don't have prepaid yet), and bargain shoppers who will not make their decision before they've talked to every single wireless provider in the mall (there are 7 of us). I can't wait until people outside of the holiday shopper mall crowd learn we are there and start coming in to see us instead of coming to go to the BonTon and realizing we are there by accident. It will come eventually, I just need to be patient.

The other problem is that all my employees are doing a fantastic job and have great attitudes, but without sales, there aren't hours to go around. I've allready cut all nightime weekday hours and began running the store by myself after 5 PM and cut all part time hours during the day down to 4 or less hour shifts. If we keep up this bullshit sales record it's going to end up me and Rose running the store ourselves. That is an awful state of affairs because when we get one customer, we get 5 customers and with only one of us there, normally at least 3 walk away no matter how hard you try to make them stay. Without having at least 2 people in the store you can't eat, use the bathroom, give each customer the attention they need, etc. It makes sense to only have one when it's really slow, but then you get that spike in customers and you wish you had 5 people there. It's so hard to gauge that I even built in an "on call" person into every single day's schedule. Thanks go out to Jackie for the idea, and it's a great one. I have people on call in case the store gets slammed with customers that can be in within a half hour.

I think my main problem is that I have this picture in my head of 3 people in the store each running credit checks and making sales while there are people waiting and checking out literature and phones. I just picture us being so busy with activations that we have to hire more people and really be on our toes all day. The way it has been in reality is that we sit there and clean the store, dress up displays, and bullshit while we wait and then one person will come over to look at phones and we'll talk to them for a while and they decide they don't want to fill out an application today and move on. It's so damn hard to know in my heart that we lost money today and yesterday. I want this store to be a shining example of my salesmanship and managerial skills, but so far it's been me bitching about what I don't have and not making sales. I just pray things pick up soon.

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Blanked

DillWholes
My friends thought I lost my mind when I laughed at this jar of pickles for a good 5 minutes.

Speaking of Dill Wholes, my store got blanked today. We were open from 9 AM to 11 PM and didn't make one sale. We ran a bunch of credit checks and spoke with a lot of people who either wanted to shop around or that just wanted to wait until after Christmas to buy a phone. To add a little salt to the open head wound, Joe G wanted us to call in every hour on the hour and if we were late by a few minutes we would be called and questioned as to why we didn't follow orders. Luckily I was to report to Jackie who is the best, but I still don't like having to call every hour and say, "Hi, no sales. Goodbye." It's like getting kicked in the ribs after being knocked down. I got a lot of important stuff done today, but not activating a single phone is just painful. I got our advertising campaign started, wrote up this week's schedule (which is sooooo hard to do when you've never done it. It seems so easy from the outside), and did a little marketing to the stores in the mall that get discounts. This disgrace won't happen again once our name is out there, but people who want to get sprint phones don't know we exist yet and are going all the way to Allentown or to Scranton. I believe whole heartedly that we will do at least 3 activations a day once we are known. If we could do 5 a day it would be great, but 3 would pay the bills and keep me from firing people. I don't know how much I'm making a sale for certain, but I know Joe G and I had said $30 a sale I do personally and $20 a sale anyone else does. I am not particularly happy with those numbers because of all I have to give up to make this work, but I am going to have to take what I am given until I have ground to stand on in a argument about how much I'm worth. I just took the last half hour and put my FU business skills to good use and figured out what we have to do at the store to be profitable to the company. If we spend nothing outside of rent, hourly wages, and commisison, with me working 70 hours, Rose working 48, and everyone else working 20 hours a week we will break even averaging 2.4 activations a day. I am sure there are other factors involved with how we're paid, but I was told once what the company gets for an activation and I used that as the standard. I know we get paid differently depending on credit rating and plan, but if that is the average pay per activation, we only need to average 2.4 a day to break even. If we activate 3 a day the company makes "decent" money and if we do 5 the kiosk makes a ton of money. My goal has always been 200 activations a month. If we hit that, Joe G should be singing my praise up and down because he will be a wealthy man. If I hit the 200 a month mark I should be doing alright for myself as well, but I think I'll be able to negotiate some better terms for myself if I get close to those kinda numbers.

I think dynamic spread sheets are the most fun thing I learned in the Dolan School of Business. You can really learn a lot financially by putting everything into numbers and being able to change little things and see what affect they will have on the big picture. That is the only reason I was financially happy at Millersville when I was coaching. I put my pay and all my expenses into a spreadsheet and figured out that I was making enough money to put some in the bank even with all my monthly expenses. I even included a bunch of money to waste on whatever the hell I wanted every week and I still made out with a few grand left over at the end of the year. I think I'm going to send Joe G the spreadsheet I just made and see what he thinks of my awesome business knowledge in all it's glory. I guarantee he calls me up and tells me how it's flawed and how we have to sell 10 a day to make a penny, but I'm proud of it just because it works and gives me a decent idea of what every sale means to the company. It even helped me figure out how many hours I can give my employees if we hit a lull in sales or hit a hot streak. Oh well. I'm going to sleep so I can get up and activate at least 2.4 phones. BOOYA!

Monday, December 13, 2004

Strange guilt

I don't know what the hell I'm doing right now. I don't have to leave for the mall for at least another hour, but I can't do anything. I got up when I got a call from Rose about a customer issue around 10, made myself some breakfast, came back to my computer, and I'm just sitting here watching the clock. I feel like if I start playing a game or watch TV or anything that I will get in trouble. Why? I have no clue. Why is it wrong for me to do stuff besides work? I don't think there's anything wrong with it, but I have this feeling like at any moment Joe G is going to call me and hear music in the background and yell at me for not being at the store. I only gave out one key, so I have to either open or close, so I'm not there in the morning, but I can't shake this feeling that I should be there and that anything I do to have fun in the morning is wrong. Then I get home at night and I know I don't have to wake up early, but I feel like I have to go to bed so I can be up early just in case. It's this very wierd feeling of guilt and shame that I feel like I'm doing something wrong if I do anything that can be heard in the background of a phonecall while I'm not at work. That is one of the reasons I'm posting to my blog in silence now instead of getting a few minutes of Xbox or TV in while I'm waiting to go to work. It's all just in case I get an angry call from Joe G asking why I'm not there. I'm not there because I'm working 3 to 11, and that should be good enough reason for me to be home, but it's not in my head. I really need to learn how to do all this and be happy because right now all I'm worried about is work and can't get out of this feeling of shame. I am even scared to talk to friends on AIM because Joe G has my screen name and if he sees my away message go down he'll know I'm home and will question me about the store. The other day my AIM signed off while I was at the store around 6 and then signed back on. That happens from time to time if my internet blinks or whatever, but I got a call from Joe G trying to catch me at home while I should have been at the store. He was like, "where are you?" "At the store, Joe, what's up?" "you sure you're at the store? I mean I know you're supposed to be there, but are you really there?" "Yes, Joe, I'm in the mall. Why?" "I just saw you sign off of AIM and then sign back on and I know you don't have internet at the mall yet. What's up? Are you still sure you're at the mall?" "Yes, Joe, I'm at the mall and I don't know why my AIM signed off and back on." "Well, I guess something at your house could have made it do that, but I don't know. OK, I'll call you later." Then he called the store just to make sure that I would answer the store phone. Do you understand what I'm up against here? I need to figure this whole situation out sooner than later.

**UPDATE** Joe G just let us know we have to check in every single hour of the day on the hour. I don't know how much more of this kinda stuff I can take.

Aftermath

What a day. I am still shocked about last night. We all didn't get to bed until after 4 AM. My favorite thing ever is just having a house party with friends. Even if that is just a few dudes hanging out drinking beers somewhere that I'm comfortable it is the best. I even got gifts. One of them was a Sprint PCS bill from Drufus that he thinks is unfair. I thought that was a little wierd, but I'll take care of it. I got a couple of DVDs, a Speaker City polo shirt that I wore to work today, a Bengals shot glass, a couple of funny magnets, and a budweiser 40. We drank, had cake, and sang happy birthday, all the things I never thought I'd get. I have to go back a bit and explain how this all worked out and how it started because if it was a conspiracy to murder me I'd be in the afterlife saying, "why didn't I see that coming?"

This week was Brad's Brithday and he told me that because we don't hang out much that he wanted to just get a few rounds of beers at a local bar and just hang out and play video games for old times' sake. I had made plans to go to Millersville to hang out with my land pirate buddies down there and was not really pumped about blowing that off to play video games, but Brad is my best friend and blowing off his birthday wish would be against what I stand for, so I decided to stay in. He told me he was coming to check out the store and that I better close it early. I had no plans to close the store before 11 because I need every sale I can get, but the late night mall crowd is all just teens who parents don't love them, so I closed the store at 10 and left. Brad and I turned on the CBs and he let me know that "his parents needed him to pick up some soda from the store on the way home." I was like, "why don't they just go pick it up? You're probably staying at my place and they could easily go get a case of soda in Randolph." He replied, "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with them, but I gotta stop." I was running on fumes, so we stopped at a gas station with a junk mart, he got a couple bottles of soda, I filled up and we left for my place. He was in a huge hurry to get outta there. Somewhere along the way I should have realized that something was up, but I had no clue. Going back even farther, Beth called me up one day and asked for my Mom's work number. I didn't really know why she needed to talk to my mother while she was at work, but I gave it to her. My mother told me she had some question about some medical thing (my mom's a nurse) and that was the end of that.

So we get to my house and there is a wrecker (Tow Truck, you idiot) parked in front of my neighbor's house. It stood out as wierd, and I thought to myself, "hey, why is there a wrecker in front of their house? Shouldn't it be towing or not there at all?" But I still had no clue. So I go inside and look in my house and saw a guy that didnt' belong. It was one of my college roommates, Strada Bones. Then I noticed that there were a bunch of people in my living room. They didn't yell suprise, they just sat there and were like, "hey, what's up." I was so damn confused I didn't know what to do. Then Beth ran up and threw her arms around me and said happy birthday. I was speachless. My friends rule.

So here is how it went down. Beth called my mom to set it up, Brad was in charge of making me go home early and not go to Millersville, Drufus drove down everyone from New England, and Curt parked his wrecker with "Curt's Sunoco" emblazened on the side of it right in plane view. It was dark and I only saw the front, so it didn't throw me off. Originally, Brad was supposed to get me out of my house so Beth could get everyone in, but having to work 12 hours did that pretty well on its own. Everyone else parked way down the road so I wouldn't see anything out of the ordinary. I am always on autopilot when I commute, so I wouldn't have noticed if they put a sign in my driveway, but it was even cooler because I had no clue until I was standing in front of everyone. Of course they planned this way in advance when I didn't have shit to do on the weekends and they were all there from 6pm drinking and waiting on me. By the time I got there everyone was half in the bag and it was so much fun that I wouldn't have traded it for the world. A few guys I really would have liked to have been there couldn't make it, but they had legitimate reasons so it's cool. The Boston Strangler was moving into his new apartment in a snow storm, BBB just got a new car and had shit to do, and Bobby doesn't drive to my knowledge so he would have had to have come down with either BBB or The Boston Strangler so he couldn't come either. I know they all wanted to be here, and that in itself was flattering. Hot Carl made it down from Rhode Island and represented my Masshole friends. I feel real close with all those guys and it was nice to see one of them made it down to see me. Even when I know I'm friends with people it's important for me to have proof that they are friends with me. Hot Carl's appearance was like sending a rep to the UN and it made up for anyone else who couldn't make it.

When I came home today and saw the garbage can full of empty beer bottles and cans I stopped and for a second the whole night just felt like a dream. My brain is still having a hard time processing the fact that everyone showed up. All day I just went about my business like usual and it wasn't until I saw those empty beers that I realized it was not a dream at all. It feels like it happened so long ago. I can't believe it was just this morning that we were all hanging around talking. I don't know how to say it, but it feels like something that happend years ago, but it was TODAY. So cool. I love shit like this no matter how much I say I don't.

The night was summed up pretty well by Curt. I was getting a beer from the garage and he was walking to the bathroom and I told him, "Hey, Curt, thanks for coming. It means a lot to me." He replied, "Sac, if you get emotional on me I'm going to kick your fat fucking ass." Booya!

Sunday, December 12, 2004

wow

specialbday
This is the away message Beth put on my computer tonight. I'll never forget it.

I came home tonight at 11pm after a full day's work to find a whole bunch of my friends and a lot of booze waiting for me in my living room. First of all, I love all my friends more than I can say without making them uncomfortable. Beth is the best ever. She set this all up. I am drunk and I don't want to blog with friends in my house, but I have to say this while it's fresh. Curt, Hot Carl, Drufus, Strada Bones, Brad, Beth, Carly, and Liz were all in my house when I came home.

From now on every time I underestimate my friends I want someone to come over to my house and punch me in the face. I just wish I had a better way to thank everyone other than writting it in my stupid blog while they are downstairs. I wish there was an appropriate way to express absolute shock and unending appreciation besides standing in the doorway looking like a dope with bad eyes. I just stared into the room and saw everyone sitting there and couldn't figure out why. Then I realized Beth set this all up for my birthday only after she ran up and hugged me. Until that point I just did the old man thing and questioned the quality of my vision and kept thinking to myself, "man, that dude looks a lot like Strada Bones, and that's not Hot Carl, is it? Man, my family has friends that look a lot like mine." I almost did the Boston Strangler in Panama City glasses up and down thing to prove to myself that my friends were really here. They came from as far away as Rhode Island to say happy birthday to me. Man I really have awesome friends and an awesome girl. Right now I'm making a copy of Hot Carl's Senior Week DVD or I'd be downstairs. I thought I'd take these few minutes to write something about a night I never dreamed would happen for me. I never even had a beer for my birthday other than my 21st and really was getting used to the whole alone thing. If it wasn't for my amazing friends I don't know what I'd do. Guys, I love you all. I feel special tonight for the first time in a long time and I owe it all to a girlfriend who truly loves me and a bunch of friends who will be there for me forever. I have 3 minutes before Hot Carl's DVD is done copying so I'll write a little more, but I can't complain about anything. All is right in the world. I am working 12 hours tomorrow, but it's all cool. Tonight is more than I could have ever asked for. Thank you guys. You all are greater than I deserve.